I’m Tired Of Being What You Want Me To Be / I Don’t Know What You’re Expecting Of Me Put Under The Pressure Of Walking In Your Shoes

I finally sucked up my pride. In so many ways.

I lowered my housing standards and browsed manufactured houses in… you guessed it, trailer parks. Then I took it on step further and threw all caution to the wind, because I ended up calling my Grandpa all for selfish reasons of course, but it was an annoying phone call non-the-less.

It began when I found a place that I actually thought would be reasonable to live in for an AMAZING price. The only downside, is that I know the price is so good because it’s so fricking close to the high-way. Like the one major high-way that runs through the city. And when I say close, I mean highway here—~–house here. Nothing but a little hill between them.

Now I live close to a major road right now, and I’m fine with it. Albeit, it took me a little time to get used to it (since I moved from the suburbs with my parents and a remote village in Kenya, so traffic was rare), but right now my house faces a fairly busy side road, and across that is a little field with a few telephone/electrical wires/trees, then taa-daa the Trans-Canada highway. No houses blocking noise, no stores or schools. Nothing. Just my place, and a few bushes between me and every cross-country traveler. Oh wait, throw the train tracks in there too because I’m fancy like that. So to me, to be close to a main road… not that big of a deal. But to be fair, the place I’m considering is MUCH closer. But also MUCH cheaper.

So as I looked through photo’s, it made me consider all the things that this opportunity could possibly open up. The place is listed for less that $175,000.00, which means I could potentially get it for less, and save a bunch of cash. It only needs a few updates, and nothing that actually needs to be done, only things I would want just for aesthetic purposes, and even those might cost $5-10,000.00 if that. Like restaining kitchen cupboards, painting a bathroom etc, nothing major. My mortgage would be way cheaper, which means I would save tons every month, plus there are no condo/strata fees. Which means… my kids and I could have a better quality of life.

That cruise I wanted to go on? A total possibility. The new car I need, why not? My kids being able to go into more than one out of school activity at a time, have at ‘er. More money in my pocket every week opens up the door to so many opportunities. The place itself has everything we need. Need as in, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathroom, a nice kitchen, dining room, and living room. All arranged in a logical way, which is important to me. It comes with a large shed outside and a big backyard for the kids to at least have a good place to play. Does it have a basement? No. But when I sit down and think about it, I only ever go to my basement to do laundry since thats where the machines are, and the kids watch TV there. So with the TV in the living room, and the laundry room on the main floor, why would we need any more that what’s listed above.

I know that once we move, our lifestyle will change. I’m anticipating more time outside anyways. So I truly appreciate the large yard and a big deck too. As well as a massive shed, almost like a workshop, (not that I build things), for storing all our outdoor activity equipment, like bikes and kayaks and balls etc.

Anyway, I’ve realized, that since I’m doing this on my own, I have to make my own choices. And I know that THINGS don’t mean that much to me. I don’t need brand name junk. I don’t need 20 pairs of jeans. I don’t need 400 video games or 400 of anything. So if I live a life where I only keep things that spark joy, than why wouldn’t I apply that to my house? Why would I buy a place that has a bunch of extra unused space that is only used/touched when I have to run a rag over it to wipe the dust off it? This smaller place is still 1200 square feet, tastefully done, and nicely landscaped. But best of all? It won’t make me house poor.

So I sucked up my pride and called my Grandpa to see if he would be available to go and take a look at it, and give me his opinion on the noise from the highway. I figured not only would he would give me his honest thoughts, but he’s the only one out there who’s not working all day so an extra project wouldn’t be too stressful. Well, turns out he was at my Uncle’s house. Great. I guess I should preface this with the fact I’ve seen/spoke to  him once in the past ohhhhhh 12-15 years? And it was this past summer at my Grandpa’s memorial. Yep he skipped my wedding, but in hindsight I wished I skipped it to, so I can’t fault him to much for that. But basically we never had a falling out or anything, we just both never call family. So my Grandpa hands the cell over to my Uncle for him to write down the address and get all the information, upon which my Uncle begins to judge my choice. Something I can tell by his comments and tone.

“Oh, well you should sell your place first”

“Get your ducks in a row before moving on”

“Make sure you have your money straightened out before you even consider looking”

And all I can think is, first, what makes you think I don’t have my money straightened out? Or that my ducks aren’t in a row? Like you literally have no idea what’s going on in my life, because we haven’t had any sort of relationship in years! I can’t live at home with my parents like my cousins are STILL doing because you think life is expensive! That wasn’t an option for me. I wasn’t allowed to stay at home until I was like 28 and have my parents pay for 4-6 years of secondary education while living rent free so I had a chance to save up half a mil or whatever you expect/are doing for your kids. My life wasn’t like that, and won’t be like that. I have to move now. I have to buy a place by this summer. I can’t magically come up with hundreds of thousands of dollars or even one dollar (trust me, I tried but people suck, *common y’all had to know I would call you out on your lies too*). So I have to do what I can to make it work. So unless you plan on forking over the cash to make my options something other than a fucking trailer park, without going into huge debt, shut your damn mouth along with all the other people who just like to give advice without backing it up with REAL LIVE HELP.

I’m so sick and tired of people with all their “advice”.

I need to tattoo my forehead or something with “DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK,” but idiots probably still wouldn’t get it.


-Linkin Park/Numb-

I Know It Hurts Sometimes But You’ll Get Over It You’ll Find Another Life To Live I Swear That You’ll Get Over It I Know You’re Sad And Tired

Like usual, life has taught me that I can only depend on myself and that people will just say shit to make themselves look good, but majority of the time, never follow through with actions. Both here on the internet where they feel they can put forth any facade they want with very little to no consequence in real life if they turn out fake, as well as in my everyday reality.

As I left work after a frustrating day in the office, I received one blow after another with no reprieve.

I picked up the kids from daycare, where they were handing out lice notices. Great.

I got a letter in the mail stating that all my financial information may have been compromised after a hack at Nissan from when I bought my Rogue back in ’14. Excellent.

I received an email from my lawyer saying despite E saying he was going to sign, he didn’t (obviously) plus E claims he had no knowledge of the move to Kelowna, and is now not wanting to pay any previously owed money. Perfect.

My Grandpa called 3 times wanting to help me with my house hunt. Superb. For those of you not in the know, he made an aggressive pass at me while I was staying at his house last summer, which is bad enough right? Throw on top of that that it was the night of my Grandma’s memorial and you might understand why I have yet to answer his calls.

To top off those Wednesday only items is the fact that my best friend hasn’t been talking to me this week over something petty, and you can see why at this point I’m thankful for all of you.

Thankful for reminding me that people will say things like “I got you”. Or “I’m here for you”. But in the end, they are only words. Words only have the power you give them. Actions, on the other hand, can be substantiated without all the grandeur of words.  You can do something small but so meaningful for someone without having to boast yourself up. But after many years (yeah unfortunately it took me a while, I kept wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt), I have come to the understanding that people need words to make themselves feel good. They don’t say things for the benefit of others. It is solely to build up themselves. Make themselves feel good, like in their minds, at least they feel like they offered a chance at kindness so it’s as good as done.

So I’m truly grateful. Because you have reminded me that I cannot depend on anyone but myself. My mind and my strength are all that will get me through. My wits and my logic and my actions.

So I’ve decided to take another course of action. Where the results will be 100% in my hands. I can’t leave my families fate to individuals who are all talk no walk. So I appreciate the kick in the pants, and the reality check.  From both my readers and the people in my life, that has helped me to understand we are individuals for a reason. We do things individually. On our own. For our own.

Lesson learned.


-Lil Uzi Vert /The Way Life Goes-

Him An’ His Christmas Spirit Are Really A Lotta Bunk I’ll Have To Bust My Ass For Another Year Just To Pay For All This Junk

So, the other night I was wrapping Christmas presents for my kids after they went to sleep, and it came time to label them, and I started getting pissed off.

Pissed off because I worked hard for the money used to buy those gifts. I spent my days off going shopping for those presents. I kept lists throughout the year of what my kids needed/would like, so that I would know what the perfect gifts would be. But now, as I go to label them, and have to sign the “from” part… I have to write Santa on most of them.

So some imaginary fat dude in a red suit gets all the credit for my hard work? Yeah, that pisses me off.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the idea of ‘the holidays.’ Of people gathering together, exchanging gifts as a token of love for one other. Spending time with family and friends you haven’t seen in too long. Indulging in far to much alcohol and baked goods etc. Enjoying the sparkling lights against the dark winter sky. All that stuff, I’m for. But the Santa shit? Why? Why can’t we get into the spirit of joy and festivity without lying to our children? Why can’t we just spend time together and have time off work to celebrate life and each other, without all the fake… everything? Why can’t we just have this time of year for looking back, reflecting, and enjoying life. Sure I’m okay with gift giving, although not to the extreme extent that most people take it, but a small exchange to show you appreciate someone? I think that’s more than reasonable. A big meal surrounded by people you love? Totally do-able. But to infiltrate our kids minds with lies, when they look to us to be a guide, a source of truth? That’s just inhumane.

Like, way to set your kids up to never believe you again. To them, you’ll become the boy who cried wolf. They’ll start questioning everything you’ve ever taught them, and rightfully so.

Santa? Not true.

The Easter Bunny? Lie.

The Tooth Fairy? Jokes on you, and on it goes.

So I don’t see why we can’t just be honest to our kids. Ya know… there’s this thing we could try where we treat them like actual humans for once? With though processes that start now and will form the adults they will become. The ones that will inherit this world. They’ll believe what we tell them, so why can’t we tell them the truth?

Why do we feel so pressured to continue a ridiculous lie that I’m willing to bet 95% of you don’t even know where it started from…

I’ll tell you why. Because when one of us attempts to tell our kids the truth (yep, me telling Little E Santa’s a farce) every year, each year they get caught up in all the hype of the other kids at school or day care etc, so it’s like trying to hold back a massive tidal wave with your bare hands. Impossible. They understand when you first tell them, and then the confusion sets in when they are literally bombarded from every direction starting in November of some overweight senior dressed in red with a white beard.

So, all I’m asking is, for the sake of every other single mom/dad out there, who not only worked hard for the gifts she bought her kids, but more importantly because I want my kids to be raised in the truth, that you thoughtfully consider how you approach the holidays in the future.

Do you want your kids to think its all about the red suit? Or maybe, just maybe, have them value something more.

I know what I’m working towards. But I also know I can’t do it alone.


P.S. Check out the new post on http://www.thebirthoflove.ca


-Rudolph & The Gang/Here Comes Fatty Clause-

That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continually complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful/happier than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so they’re having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-