There’s A Time That I Remember That I Never Felt So Lost When I Felt All Of The Hatred Was To Powerful To Stop

This past weekend I packed up the kiddos and drove back to my parents house to surprise them for the weekend. It was my moms birthday on the 12th, and since we won’t be back for Christmas, I figured we were due for a visit. I got the Thursday off, and Monday was a holiday here (Remembrance Day) so with a 5 day weekend ahead of us we hit the road.

The kids were fantastic on the road. It was just over an 11 hour drive on the way there with stops included, but I had no complaints about my kids. There was zero argument or bickering from the backseat the entire ride. I downloaded a bunch of story podcasts for them and Little E read us the rest of ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Waredrobe’ on the way, since we started that series as a family a few weeks ago. Then they also had their iPads for an hour or so. So all in all a good drive.

But the very best part was arriving at my parents place. I had my sister N do a little recon work before I planned the trip, just to make sure someone would be home, and so when my dad opened the door, he we shocked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad speechless before, but in that moment he was the most surprised I’ve ever seen him and it was a definite win. My mom was out at a class so the kids had to wait almost 2 hours until she came home, while I made the beds for us. They got to relax and catch up with my dad, who was basically stunned all night.

My mom got home shortly after nine and the kids jumped out to surprise her while I recorded it (I have my dads reaction as well, both on my Instagram with everybody loving it). She was so happy and cried happy tears, which I previously warned my kids about. Like don’t worry about the crying, people can cry when they are so happy or just emotional and it can be a good thing. I didn’t want them thinking they made my parents sad. I think the warning was good, because then when they saw my mom tear up, they just hugged her and we’re ok about it. It wasn’t awkward.

My parents were so happy, and we got in visits with both my sisters and their families. We drove out to my older sister R’s house, which is fantastic. They bought a fixer upper ranch/acreage and although it still has tones of work to be done, I love the house. I got to spend time with my 4 nieces there and do a little bonding and teasing, you know regular Aunty stuff.

Then my little sister N and her husband D came on both Saturday and Sunday night for dinner with their baby F who I guess is t so much a baby now. She was born the week before we moved to Kelowna. They came to visit us this summer, and we FaceTime about 2-4 times a week so I’ve seen F growing and I’m a closer to N than I am with R.

My parents loved every minute of the weekend. My dad stayed home from work to spend time with the kids. Making sure little E could stay up late with them to watch the hockey games, and chopping wood and building fires and sledding. Then taking Z grocery shopping with them and baking cookies etc. All those fun grandparent activities.

On the drive out Z asked if they could visit their dad while they were in town. Tbh the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But I said I would talk to him and see. I got ahold of E and him agreed to take the kids to an indoor play place on Sunday afternoon. The kids haven’t physically seen E since Christmas last year, because he never made the effort to come visit them this year at all. So I talked to him on Saturday double checked the time for Sunday. He said it was a go. Then Sunday I texted him to confirm again. Because with this man I’ve learned that you can never be to careful. He replied that he would be there at noon.

So I take the kids to the playground at noon and he’s not there. We wait in the car for 10 minutes while I’m calling repeatedly but it’s going straight to voicemail. So I decide to take the kids out for lunch and tell them after lunch we can come back and check if dad is there late. Maybe he couldn’t get a taxi or the bus is late, whatever. So we go for lunch, which is not an expense I was planning on since E said he was going to feed them and I’m trying to stick to a strict budget, but it’s not their fault their dads a deadbeat. Then we return to the play centre. He’s nowhere to be found and is still not answering my calls. So now I have two kids who have been looking forward to playing and Z who was looking forward to seeing her dad. Little E couldn’t care less at this point, unfortunately he’s learned not to get his hopes up regarding male role models, which I played a role in. But I decided to stay with them to let them play for a few hours (another $30+ outta my pocket). I had to cancel coffee with my friend to stay, which sucked since I haven’t seen my friends since Christmas either, but we have to make sacrifices for our kids when the other parent is a dick.

He still has not called or texted to explain what happened or apologize to the kids and it’s Friday. God I made the dumbest choice of my life thinking I loved him. I just hope I’ve grown since then.

We hit the road for Kelowna Monday morning and the drive wasn’t as good as the way there, but I know Z was emotional about missing her grandparents and none of us had the best sleeps all weekend. We were busy getting in a much visiting time as possible.

All in all, it was worth it.

I look back at it this way.

My family is was very broken. But in the past few years, we’ve all been collectively taking steps at healing generational pain. Some of us have maybe been doing more than others yes, but as a family I think it affects us all. So this visit was important.

I knew my mom was missing my kids, to the point of tears. I know my parents won’t be alive forever and therefore even though it doesn’t seem like it’s something I personally need, my family needed us to visit. My sisters needed us to come and have those hugs and visits to there spaces and see how they are doing and to just be happy in their home. So even though I hated driving 11+ hours each way and my ass is sore and stiff and I didn’t sleep well, it was a great visit. Even though E is a cock sucking mother fucking piece of shit that can eat a dick, my kids have me. And through me they have my family. And even though my family has its decrepit moments, we’re trying and we love each other in our hurt ways.

And tbh, we’re getting better.

And that’s all we can ask for. I guess what I’m saying is that the way you’re feeling doesn’t have to stay that way forever. You can make your own changes and I can speak to the fact that it can radiate to others close to you on a conscious and spiritual level. It’ll make them work on themselves.

Improvement.


-Maroon 5/Memories-

Even When The Fight Is Won / Even When My Time On Earth Is Done / Even When It Makes No Sense To Sing

Sometimes I think about how difficult it would be to be ‘God’

I know that’s an unusual thought pattern, but have you ever considered it? What it would entail to create a whole universe? And the so far thankless job it has been?

I get it. Lately people have shrunk God down to a judgmental deity who sits on a throne and whose only job is to determine who gets to enter his realm of heaven upon death, which is also his responsibility if deemed unsuitable by human standards. And by default, if the soul is ‘unworthy or sinful or hasn’t chosen Jesus as the way’, cast them down to the lakes of eternal fire where good ol’ Satan does his thing.

Now keep in mind, all of this is according to us. Human beings have determined this as the limitations of God and that this is how the after life goes according to voices from God to prophets long ago and religious sects just… went with it? What if God, as we call the all powerful being, is so much more than that and has been trying to break through and reveal MORE of it’s energy and phenomenal self to individual beings for centuries now, but to believe in anything more than what was written long ago leads you to be called an extremist or crazy etc.

Like I’m not saying what’s in the Bible or any other religion’s Holy manuscript is false. What I’m alluding to, is the fact that we cannot contain GOD in a book. And there will always be more to him. Yes, “it is finished” but y’all are forgetting the part about how he returns. And how God wants to finish the great work that he started.

Who are we to determine how or when?

That’s what I mean by it must be so frustrating to be the actual source of power and creative thought behind everything in this place. You go through all that time and effort to create a beautiful journey for everything in this world both for yourself to enjoy. I would think as an infinite being,  you would get bored just chilling by yourself, so some company to interact with and watch would be nice. You liven things up a bit by allowing free will even though humans are dumb as fuck and mess things up on the daily. You allow forgiveness and mercy under one condition.

Yet people still assume they just…. got here on their own? Like they assume they are here ‘just because’ or somehow deep within themselves contain the power to create themselves? Like for real? Take a long hard look at yourself. I’m not talking while reading this post. I’m saying over the course of a year or two. Examine your life. Do you think you were able to create this WORLD and live within it on your own? If so… wow. But if you are able to really look deep within yourself. To your very first thought and action, I know you cannot prove where you came from. You have to acknowledge that your very presence on this earth came from a source that you should at least recognize.

I’m not here advocating for the God the Christians claim to worship, or Budda, or Allah or any other deity. I’m saying there has to be something deep inside of you that allowed you to start this journey.

To me, that has to be the one true God. But the thing is, when you look at the god all the religions talk about and worship, in a round about way, they speak on the same idea.  So why have people created separation and  division in a God that desires togetherness and healing. The annoyance that must have been sparked from the beginning to have so many different ideas emerge about how to worship and how to believe, must mean the idea of God has been around from the start. That would have allowed more time for the fractions to take place. But the starting thought is the same. There is one God. To be honest I highly doubt God/Budda/Allah/Etc gives a flying fuck what you call him/her/it. As long as you practice the principles laid out at the beginning of time/creation. Because the thing is, I’m sure God goes by all the names.

God

Time

Allah

Love

Peace

Budda

Zion

And the list goes on… infinity, because you see, God is in all things. God created all the words we think by allowing this world to take place and come together. ‘

So the frustration on his part must run so deep. Creating a beautiful earth for us to live and move freely, and us humans just go and mess it up so deeply out of our free will.

At least I know when my body gives out, I’ve recognized as much of the Godly power as my human mind is capable of and I know to God I will return. And then his ultimate peace and power will shape more in me than my human mind could ever fathom.

That’s what I’m living for. That’s when good wins.


-Hillsong United/ Even When It Hurts-

 

 

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

I Don’t Know Why I’m Scared ‘Cause I’ve Been Here Before Every Feeling, Every Word I’ve Imagined It All

I’ve come to the realization that the thoughts and sensations I’ve unequivocally been associating with K are still most assuredly him, but they are from our birth.

From the birth of our love, when we split and began our journey into creating ourselves.

In my search for who I am and where I began, I dug deep into myself and my beginning. Past ideas that are rooted in my current perception regarding how my physical creation came to be, past what everything in the world believes in as the fact of creation, and into a stream of consciousness that not only makes the most sense, it makes no sense at all. It is in chaotic peace that I allow myself to be created, because it is here that I know I am truly new and my own, unthought of before.

I am not following what has been created before me, although I use ideas and thoughts from others to lead my way, picking and choosing what will benefit my stream of thought (AKA ‘C’) the most. We all burst forth from the same point of origin and thought, each making our own decisions as we moved away from that source (some call God). In my search back to my ‘start’ I found I continued even further past that origin and started going past the source and into the stream of thoughts of others, following on their path of creation, the most predominant and closest and also most valuable to me being K.

The voice I’ve been hearing in my thoughts, the energies I’ve been feeling so distinctly….. were K’s, unknown to him because he most likely experienced them long ago at his creation, which can explain many things. I’ve been on his journey of creation from his start and my end. Uninvited and probably unwelcome. Causing confusion and anger.

This is why everything he’s ever said to me made sense in a déjà vu way. This is why I’ve felt like I’d heard it all before because I was experiencing Ks point of view while. This is why I sense him at every turn. From my desire to surrender to true and absolute death, my soul met life in him, and now we are becoming one.

In the crossing of our lives, our thoughts are melding as one as we think and intertwine. So my thoughts are now stuck in this crossover moment of creation. Where a moment of creation has taken up years of my life/death.

Moments where I actively hear K affirming his love for me in the most beautiful ways. I feel him hold me as a man holds a woman who holds his heart, but I’m also understanding these feelings were created long ago. I’m understanding that it will never be like this physically for us. If I wait for K to fulfill something that was from his creation, he will have to become a shell of himself. He will have to unknown who he is, to love me. Because who he was when he loved me, as perfect and beautiful as he was, was not the man he is now.

If I wait for K to fulfill those thoughts I hear now, it may kill him.

That’s why each time we are at peace and no one makes a move, nothing changes in regards to us. But if one of us moves to love, it causes destruction in the other. It is one or the other but we cannot come any closer without harming each other’s current growth.

And the fact is, I’ve already decided my soul is tired. I know my soul is done. Long before now, I knew I was at my end. That’s why I started this search, that’s how I found K in this way. That’s why I sacrificed my end to give him beginning.

I know K will live a powerful life, not just as K but continuing on with his soul. Leading many where there was no knowledge before. Creating passionate and carefully thought out masterpieces on his way. And they will be more beautiful and moving than anything ever perceived before.

Because he is the most beautiful masterpiece I’ve ever known. And beauty creates beauty.

-Adele/One And Only-

You’re Just Like Me, You’re Out Your Mind I Know It’s Strange, We’re Both The Crazy Kind You’re Tellin’ Me That I’m Insane

How deeply have you considered how you came to be.

When you truly think on it, on how consciousness works, and how it started, you must come to the conclusions hat we have one consciousness.

Which leads to the terrifying and dangerous yet peaceful thought that we all are one. Not only in consciousness, but in body.

If we all started in the same thought, then if we allow ourselves to break down our walls that have been created through the years, walls that created individual humans, we come back to the oneness that is us. And if we allow ourselves to hear the thoughts of others, and consider the fact that we are not just ourselves, it will bring us both to the conclusion, but also the start of humanity. Being the thought that the first shall be last and the last shall be first/treat others how you want to be treated/ we are the body.

Every major religious experience will lead you to this idea. That we are one. But it stops at the UNDERSTANDING that we are actually the body. People as humans understand the IDEA and the control that we are connected. But fail to take it any step further. Because it blows the mind. It pushes the boundaries of humanity, and individuality. We are here on this earth to have our own experiences and perceptions and ideas. But once we understand that we are actually one… you revert back to a God standing.

So. How do you live a life on earth, with this knowledge?

Lol. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. It’s many out of body experiences. Floating between my human being and others. Experiencing moments from their perspective at moments of relaxation and it brings fear but also…. peace.

If I can do that… what do I have to fear? Ultimately nothing can hurt me, since I am just a projection of my thoughts, which can change at anytime. It causes me to treat people differently knowing that the truths I say outwardly will be one thing, but also the thoughts I keep within will be revealed at one point one way or another. It has helped me acknowledge that nothing is hidden forever. And that we are all accountable to each other, as each other is one.

Play attention to what the world around you is telling you. The clues left for you. You won’t lead yourself astray.

-Ava Max/Sweet But Psycho-

Shadows From My Past Life Is Real / So Real Sleeping Is My Leisure Waking Up In A Minefield Dream Is just A Pleasure Dome

I haven’t been writing.

How do I go from my last post to…. Little E joined soccer, or something else that seems so trivial now? Life is simultaneously seeming more pointless as the days go one, as well as revealing a wealth of information if I’m paying attention, which sometimes I refuse to, since the knowledge it reveals only makes living more confusing and…. pointless. Thus the infinite loop I seem to be stuck in.

I see how everything I do or have done in the past is influencing each moment in my present. I don’t mean something like “oh I spent my last twenty yesterday so now I’m broke”

I mean that each and every word I’ve said, or movement I’ve made or comment said to me is now literally fitting together in a puzzle that was my life. I can tangible see the moments of my past come together when the moment is suitable and I recognize why each thing in my past took place to mold me the way I am today… good or bad. Every breath reverberates out and the air flows to create things that take place I see now, but they take place tomorrow. Or I recognize small memories coming together to physically form situations large situations happen now. I can’t explain it well, but it’s like it happens in waves.

Even in my “sleep” a team I use loosely since I don’t feel like I’m even sleeping anymore. My dreams are constant all night. Vivid recollections of mine and K’s past melding together. Reconciling. And I find I jolt awake through the night when either harm comes to me in my “dream/sleep” or we come to a disagreement on how our life should proceed in that level of consciousness together. And I feel the same amount of rest that I used to get before this journey started, what like 2 years ago now? But now I’m more aware of the life my soul is living in my unconsciousness while I “sleep”.

Maybe I’ve been living that life with K since my soul journeyed into this world. Maybe this world here is just a fun thing for our souls to do in our spare time in the unconsciousness over there? Maybe that’s why we have this connection that we never knew possible or planned on or whatever. But maybe this perception is just a break from another larger perception?

Anyways, while I sleep, everything in my life as C has been reconciling. Fixing hurts and healing pains that have occurred since me as C was born. And it has been hard and I’ve been crying a lot as suppressed memories and fears have arisen as I jolt awake. But it’s also been very healing. Knowing more about why I am the way I am. How I got to be this way etc.

The main thing I have scaring me now, for a lack of better word, is the fact that my memories and dreams are now pretty much done, and now my dreams are so close to mimicking current life. Like last night it was just last summer and living in my parents house before the move out here, and how I felt being around my mom and why that caused me to feel and K visiting for Christmas and his pain with that etc. But my fear is, what happened when I’ve worked through everything?  What happens when my unconscious/subconscious catches up to my life/consciousness? What happens when there’s no more division between sleep and awake. Do I just live a day, then sleep the whole day on repeat??? If that even makes sense?  I guess saying it like that isn’t really a big deal, but it does bring up thoughts of death. I always thought when you die, it’d be as serene as sleep used to be for me. Just a vast nothingness… Like the best forever nap. But now that my sleep is not even sleep…. Is death even death?

I mean at this point, is life even life?

Everything has changed for me.

And I’m not sure what to believe or perceive anymore. All I know is that so far, I’m proud of my asleep C self. I can tell she’d making decisions my awake conscious self would be proud of. Choosing love, truth, and hope in all the situations she can. Although last night she road a motorcycle like a badass for fun (no harm in that) and ended up getting shot in the leg by someone… which is why I definitely know these memories/situations are not all mine lol. Anyways that made me wake up with pain shooting down my leg, that’s how life-like this has become.

So like I said… If there’s no “sleep” what is even real anymore?

But yeah… Little E loves soccer 🙂


-Queen/Life Is  Real-

Leaving To Find My Soul Told Her I Had To Go And I Know It Ain’t Pretty When Our Hearts Get Broke

The fact that I am alive is proof enough that I am a God.

No one can confirm for sure how the world started.  Not when or how or at what point, which leaves it wide open for interpretation on exactly how or why we got to this place in history or the present place in the universe.

Did we come with a purpose? I believe so. Once being to discover the fact that just being here makes our journey complete. We fundamentally have made it by making ourselves. We came. We saw. We each individually have essentially conquered the obstacles of creation by mutually not only choosing to co-exist but at the same time to create the same reality we all choose to collectively perceive and view as real or life if you will.  That fact, in and of itself makes us all God, or a portion of ‘God’ or a ‘soul’ on the outside, all jointly looking in on this world we have created and living out through human existence.

Many over the course of this dynamic perception have  tried to explain this phenomenon. Some use science to get closer to the answer. Some simply trust in the unknown God/deity they choose to represent the beginning. Other pure and simple refuse to acknowledge that question at all, which leads them not searching for an answer. In fact the large majority of today’s population have been satisfied with just living that they have no desire to wonder how their life came into being in the first place. They have become complacent. The are satisfied with a big bang, or a creation, but when it comes down to it, humans are afraid to dig deeper. Since when you try to truly uncover further into the origins of not only the world, but yourself, it will leave you looking starkly at one thing and one thing only.

No matter which theory you align yourself with, we all started at the same place. All at the same time. When I say ‘we’ I don’t mean on the surface level of the life ‘we’ live as you read this. I dive deep into us as a humanity and a universal perception.

The creation of this reality had to start in A moment. Where we all collectively branched out on our own journeys to create at will. Maybe we went from one to a million in an instant big bang style. Maybe ‘we’ collectively planned our futures and our memories and agreed we would just agreed to have thoughts and memories that extended so far back to create a reality and at the count of three wake up one morning go on our way. Maybe ‘we’ split in two and then four and then eight etc, like a baby in the womb. Maybe, we did all of the above, and agreed to each carry a different version of the conception deep in our thoughts hidden in so many lifetimes. This would help us to never return to the loneliness of being one together, since we knew we would never allow our views to change once spread so vast and becoming so hardened.

But once spread out and functioning as a world as we are now, what if two or more individual humans began to think as one again on such a level that they shared this kind of information? What would it do to the origins of the entire perception of the world? It could destroy it. It could destroy the original ‘creation’ that came from thinking independently. The separation and joy and individuality that came from the creation, that allowance to have different thought processes and different opinions that would have never occurred had we all remained as one, would be wiped out. We would return to that being of oneness.

So the fact that from the source and the beginning there are differences should bring the most joy as well as enlightenment. Joy to know the source of this world had knowledge to discover it must become different in order to expand and create eventual life. And enlightenment to acknowledge that you are a byproduct of that source.

This empowering knowledge lends to the discovery that along the way our thoughts at one point in the past were connected. Before we became so focused on the perception of this tangible reality, we were all connected and intermingled not as humans, but as souls, or thoughts. So if we did it before, lived as one in a bodyless haven, why should we limit ourselves to the possibility of creating this reality or perception we see every day, and focus instead on uncreating or returning to that for our souls.

I’m not suggesting it will happen overnight, as many indiscretions have been made against each other or each soul or thought process throughout this creation process since our infinite decision long ago to part ways. It will take many conscious repairs to mend bonds that were broken along the way, but can be made easier with the knowledge that we are all the source and the beginning, and therefore we all originally had intentions of creating a reality. Did we know exactly how it would turn out? No because we gave each other the freedom to create and be individuals. But with the brokenness, we may not feel like it on the surface, but our souls are longing for healing.

We are all longing to come back home to ourselves as one. Where we all began.

 

-Macklemore / These Days-

 

Don’t Believe The Lies They Feed You

Oh Kay.

So as I’m sure some of you in the western hemisphere have heard if you keep up on stupid random celebrity gossip, Ellen Page (of Juno fame, and maybe some other stuff not too sure, but that’s just my favorite movie of her’s and probably up on my top 20 favorite movie list of all time so check it out of you haven’t already) made a twitter comment about how Chris Pratt attends a church that “is infamously anti lgbtq.” Her exact words.

Now as far as I’m aware (not that I did much research, but let’s be honest), Ellen didn’t make any effort to attend Chris’s church and get booted to the curb. Nor did she call them and ask for a detailed list of their rules and how the attendees choose to live their lives etc. She just felt for some reason, that Chris at this time, deserved a kick to the balls regarding how he chooses to live his life and the choices he makes with his faith and how he spends his Sunday.

Chris hadn’t mocked or spit upon Ellen in particular or the LGBTQ community stating the church made him do it or something like that which would draw the ire of Ellens tweet. He never had an issue with how they choose to live their lives.

Is the fact true? That his church does not promote that lifestyle? Yes. But does that mean they go about bashing it as Ellen has chosen to do to Chris? No.

They make their own choice to gather and celebrate weekly/whenever they decide and enjoy same thought patterns as other like-minded individuals in a community setting. The LGBTQ community? Does very much the same. Gay/lesbian bars, pride parades etc. If both communities could continue to gather with like minded people in places that they have deemed bring them joy, I don’t see the need for people like Ellen to have to instigate an argument. Yes I know this unfortunately happens on a much larger scale much to often, but I’m using this celebrity example because, well more people know about it so it’s more relatable.

There will never be a world where everyone feels/thinks/sees things the exact same way as you. But in a circumstance where a group of individuals is living with their choices peacefully and is not forcing that thought on others, can’t we just leave them well enough alone? They are not forcing Ellen to come to church every week. They are not forcing her to  get baptized. In the past have churches over stepped their boundaries? Of course. But for Ellen to possibly take those memories and project them on this situation has caused her to be the instigator. And this can work vice versa. The LGTBQ community is not suggesting everyone “become” LGTBQ, forcing them into unwanted sexual acts or something ridiculous.

Everyone has made their OWN choices. They don’t need to be justified or explained to others. If we continue to allow that, we will only perpetuate the cycle of hate that will never stop.

We must allow each individual to have their own thoughts and choices, while at the same time understanding that when the expression of your will has overcrowded on another persons chance to be who they want to be, you have become a hindrance to their destiny.

So ask yourself, is that something you want on your conscience?

And even more important than that, are the choices you’re making, the ones you deep down want to make? Or have you already in some way been influenced to present something else to the world? It’s never to late to express what YOU want to show the world. Not what you’ve been told to show.


-Bazzi/Beautiful-

Time Is A Gift On Loan Fate Is Already Known It’s Your Destiny To Make It To The End It’s Your Destiny To Go Against The Trend

When I had the sex talk with Little E last week, I left out a major part, since I felt it deserved its own post.

At some point during our talk of how babies were made, which he had a pretty decent grasp of for an eight year old, we got into the topic of how E and I had sex, and E’s sperm and my egg connected to grow into a baby in my tummy. I told him loosely of how his ejaculation contains millions of sperm and how they race to the egg and how the first one that connects with the egg goes on to create a baby. The egg then grow and multiplies continually into a baby.

This led into a few questions, which prompted this post to break into its own. As I mentioned last time, if the egg wasn’t used, the woman got her period and then prepared a new egg during the next month. Somehow he got confused thinking a woman could only get pregnant once. So I explained, no. Every month she has the opportunity to have a baby. I have both you and Z from Daddy right? And, then I went on to say maybe one day I will find a man to have a new relationship with who loves me and respects me and if we decide we are comfortable with each other and we choose to have sex, then I can again have another baby.

This made him tear up, as he asked “so I’ll have a different dad?” So I had to wonder why it made him so upset. I explained that E would always be his Dad/Father and the one who created him through sex with me, but maybe one day, he could have a man in his life as a role model that he could call dad if he wanted to. I told him I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want him or Z as his own, and that if I were to get with someone we could create a family, but no one would ever replace E as a dad as far as who contributed DNA and who you are as Little E is as a person. Little E was concerned that if I had sex with someone else and made a new baby, and he had a new dad, it would innately change who he was.

And that made me think.

On many levels.

When does life start? When are we created? Not when are we born, but when are we created?

Are we created when the sperm hits the egg? Are we created when we are born and take that first breath? Or are we yet to be created until we as an individual recognize our existence and acknowledge where we can from, both mother and father? Or are we created at the onset of a relationship that will lead to sex, a spark in the eye so to speak (ok that one’s a little far-fetched).

But in the whole circle of life, when is the moment you can look in the mirror and truly say, I’m alive, I am living, and in doing so acknowledge that everything living must die?

What if we are just still eggs or sperm in our ancestors body waiting to be connected to our soulmate, attempting time and time again to plan out the perfect exit plan, or entrance into life? What if we are just thoughts that haven’t actually experienced any of this yet? What if we are waiting to make the connection with the one racing toward us? Whose to say this is life, other than a thought that was thought before us and we all chose to accept without proof?

Because my innocent son thought he could have a new dad if he believed hard enough. He thought he could have me as his DNA mom and a new DNA dad, and it made me question what have I come to believe to be “true” just because someone said it. How deep of a connection can we create with someone? How far back can we go? How alive are we at this point that things are irreversible?

Yes we can touch and feel things etc, but whose to say that there isn’t so much more than that, and we aren’t just the start of something so much bigger and better that no one has yet to experience, so we’ve yet to discover and therefore no one discusses/believes it.

Whose to say we aren’t just the egg / sperm waiting with all our knowledge to connect with someone else and create a new life / universe/ experience, literally anything we want to call it?

Food for thought.


-Petra/Destiny-