Take Control Of Your Mind And Just Meditate And Let Your Soul Just Gravitate To The Love

I’ve come to the conclusion in my life for now, that every time I’ve attempted to produce love, in any kind, it ends in a more broken version of myself.

Maybe, and most likely this is because the men I’ve been showing my version of love to have not been in a receptive state in their lives to be able to receive my emotion and energy, transform it into anything of value on their end and return it to me. Therefore all I’ve been continually doing is outpouring on an ongoing basis, but not getting anything in back.

This self-destructive behavior has left me depleted and more empty than ever. I’ve come to the point were not only do I feel I have very little left to give, but my quality of love is somehow not enough, because in the past it was either maybe rejected, not returned, ignored, stomped upon, laughed at, passed by, or outright told was not good enough in one way or another. So after all my attempts, some being my best work given to the wrong people, some being a half asse attempt thrown out just to see what would happen, I’ve come to a place where I’m so broken that there isn’t enough strength left to put together a decent first move to try any form any relationship of any kind.

So at this point, I’m no longer prepared to put that energy out to anyone anymore because it only produces heartbreak and sorrow. It leads me to wonder can an individual heal themselves after pain that has surmounted in this way after so many years? Or must it come from another. If all my emotion and energy and love was given out to an other person, (not all, but this one chunk) and I was left with hopes of that emotion being given back, yet that hope went unreturned, can I ever be fulfilled from within?

For example I’m a bucket that starts with my hopes and desires and dreams and love at 100% full inside it ok? And I go and give 5% here in love to one person and 5% there to another and a 20% investment to another person, but only receive half back from those people at best, I’ve given 30% and received back 15% leaving me at 85% capacity for love and hope etc. How now, if I have given my best for years and years and only received a lackluster return on my investment and I’m standing at like 30%, how am I supposed to go into any relationship with a positive attitude or an open mind thinking it would ever survive?

It can’t.

For starters, I cannot create love and hopes and dreams from nothing in my mostly empty bucket. I also cannot be the first to initiate anything knowing I’m not in a giving state. I’m broken. Very broken. As I think most of our society is. So that leads me to question, where has all the love and peace and hope actually gone, if we are all walking around with empty buckets?

Can we just think it back into existence? Do we just choose to believe and that somehow sucks it back into our lives? Or are we then somehow unconsciously stealing from someone else’s bucket when they are not standing guard? Did we lose our chance when we didn’t plan it out from the start and thought we’d have an unlimited supply of joy? Because I can tell you right now, it’s like after you reach the 50% mark with no one pouring into you, it’s like someone pokes a hole in the bottom of your bucket and it seems there’s no coming back from that.

Right now, I’m just doing the very best I can to maintain status quo and not reach 0%. But it would be more than I can even put into words if someone would just choose to pour into me. Maybe they found the unlimited tap on love, maybe they have someone pouring into them, maybe they just have the link to hope, but for me, I’m keeping my love on lock for now. I can’t risk loosing anymore.


-Where Is The Love /Black Eyed Peas-

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My Mind Runs Wild To Comprehend What No Mind On Earth Could Understand

1,652 days from the day I got married and the day I decided to leave E. (Better than 72 days but still not impressive by any means)

1,762 days from the day I left and started this whole divorce process until yesterday, the day I got that email I thought would never come saying:

Divorce

In blue writing, emoji’s and all (yeah… millennials lol).  My divorce took 110 day longer than my entire marriage lasted.

Anyways, I was at work when the long awaited news, and I can honestly say I got overwhelmed. I experienced more emotion in that single moment then I did on my wedding day, or either day I gave birth. I had to leave work right away because I was tearing up so I sent a quick imessage to my boss and J saying I received a personal message and would be back in an hour, and left without waiting for a reply

I couldn’t even make it to my car. I, Me, C, stopped and had to sit in the stairwell to cry. Until this moment I thought people who did crap like that were just overly dramatic, like for real get your shit together. Until I couldn’t even form thoughts coherent enough to get one foot in front of the other and be confident I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. So I dropped. And sobbed. Until I heard the door above me open and thought my coworker or A had followed me out to make sure I was ok and so I rushed down the stairs to my car. Thankfully it was just another patron of the building, probably wondering what the hell was going on in the stairs lol. By the time I had gotten to my car, I had pulled myself together a bit and decided to drive down the block on the off chance anyone from work did walk out to check on me.

I parked a little ways away and the need to tell someone washed over me. It was like this was a milestone that needed to be observed and when that happens it should be noted by others, at least I thought so. So I called my mom. Wasn’t really my first choice, but it was my option in the moment. I asked if she was busy or if she had a moment to talk, and since I don’t call often ever during the day she said she was just leaving the neighbours house, but go ahead. So I let her know that my divorce was final and to be honest I can’t remember how she responded, since I was trying to suppress tears that were threatening to rise again.

She asked if she could tell the neighbour, who I grew up with and know very well, which I was fine with and she passed along the news, and then as she walked out the door she asked me how I felt about it.

Which I thought was weird. I kinda assumed everyone else would assume I would feel great about it, so the question would be unnecessary, and never asked of me. But when she asked, I realized, I didn’t feel great.

I felt like I had given up hope. I felt like this was something I’d resigned to the fact of never coming to fulfillment. I felt like E had won this forever since everything kept going his way even though his way was ridiculous. I felt like this battle had already been lost and why bother fighting anymore. So I had stopped a long time ago to preserve myself and my sanity.

And now to have it dropped in my lap…. A victory as such? I honestly didn’t know how to feel because I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway. I had only prepared for the opposite. In every way shape and form I had settled on the fact that this divorce was going to take the rest of my life and I would be stuck with E in this way forever. Caught in limbo, with each turn becoming a dead end. With each path I pursued leading me to more desolation. It no longer occurred to me that there could still be a finish line, let alone one that brought me such a decent outcome being sole custody and child support, which may not seem like much to you, but after all this time its everything to myself and the kids.

So to be shocked with this. This end. This end that provided me with something I had not planned for, was almost frightening. An end that set me free from E?

I don’t know how I feel. But I know I will know be able to spend the rest of my life discovering the new me because of it.

The new feelings and new emotions that this freedom has brought.

Because now, after many long long years, I feel I have truly lost my chains.

I, C… She has been set free. From my paranoid schizophrenic physically, mentally and emotionally abusive husband yes, but from so much more.

Where this freedom takes me is COMPLETELY up to me and only me.


-Hillsong United/Here Now (Madness)-

I Don’t Want A Lot For Christmas There Is Just One Thing I Need And I Don’t Care About The Presents

Christmas is coming. You know how I can tell? My sister R sent me a text this morning. Nope scratch that. R sent me 8 texts while I was driving to work (before 8 am) and another 4 within a few hours of me arriving to work, all related to what I should get her family for this upcoming holiday. Let me remind you that this is my super religious sister who told me she would not attend my next wedding due to her deep Christian beliefs… before I had even decided to divorce E. No I wasn’t engaged and planning a wedding, nor was I even dating anyone (still not but that’s the story of my life). She just felt it was her place to let me know her stance…because religion and all that. (about that R story here = Nobody Said It Was Easy. No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

So when I got her texts suggesting what I get her kids and husband for Christmas, I was just like, R… back off. I understand that you are literally the most frugal person to ever exist on the face of the earth, but I am a struggling single mom of two children who hasn’t even figured out if I can celebrated a decent Christmas with my own kids, let alone buy for my extended family, so just step the fuck off. If I want to buy for your 4 kids (yes my nieces, but just bare with me here) then I will ask you what they want/need, I don’t need you plying me with unwanted/needed pressure right now. Besides, I thought you of all people would be gung ho about the whole “reason for the season” shit. You know? Jesus and the birth of Christ stuff? The whole God you follow whole heartedly enough to kick me while I’m down and put me on blast about all his rules regarding divorce and crap? What are his rules about gift giving over his sons birth or commandments about being greedy?

There’s got to be some boundaries somewhere!  R, I believe Jesus Christ the Saviour of your world only received 3 gifts on this holiday, and that’s without providing an extensive list. Three presents is something R and her husband J can give their children without providing extended family a wishlist. And I can guarantee the big J.C. didn’t get a pair of fuzzy onesies when he made his debut into the world, like they are asking for.

It’s just beyond annoying when people use religion as a crutch when convenient. Or jump on the bandwagon when that belief suits their need in that moment. I’m sick of the consumerism built up all around us, holidays or not. Do you even know why your celebrating this year? Or are you just thankful for the day off? If that’s your reason, then let it be your reason. Be happy to take some well needed R&R and just treat yourself to some family time if that’s what your into, or indulge in WAYYYY to much to eat if that’s what you need. You can enjoy quietly without choosing to berate people who celebrate a birthday thousands of years ago if that’s not your thing, just do your own celebrating however you decide, there’s no need to mock them or belittle others of any religion.

But for the love of everything good, just pick one and stand by it. Be true to you and who you are. It doesn’t have to come at the expense of others. You can have strong beliefs, that’s amazing. It also doesn’t have to become something extravagant and ridiculous until you are so caught up in it, that you don’t even remember why you are “enjoying” the holiday in the first place.

Take the time to figure out what you believe, or if you haven’t yet, decide what you want to believe.

What do you want to celebrate.

And then do it. Live it. Celebrate it thoroughly and truly every day.

But just remember, each individual must choose for themselves.

And for the love of everything good and sane, don’t ever assume someone is going to buy you a present.


-Mariah Carey / All I Want For Christmas-

My Cousins Are Crazy / When I Started Out I Just Took What They Gave Me / When You Livin Like This You Supposed To Hate

Caller #3.

Last night I got a call from the prison again. Which I thought (again) was weird when I saw the number show up on my phone. For so many reasons I’m sure you could guess, but the main one being that T (the guy who wrote the phone number wrong last week, for his friend to call) got out on Monday which I found out when he called to tell me he got out early, so I had no connection at this point with anyone in the joint.

No, I really don’t care that much about T, but again I was being nice. He called me from a blocked number, which I’ve learned is pretty standard prison issue (and therefore couldn’t call back to bitch about after the below happened) The call was cut short, because he was headed to visit his family… still not sure why he called me before his family, but guys will be guys. So anyways, T is out, so who could possibly be calling me now?

Well I accept the call, and get a shady af explanation.

Hello?

Hi… You don’t know me but my name is Caller #3 and I got your number from G and my cousin and he said your good peoples (ugh, prison grammer), and so I know this is weird but I was wondering if maybe you could help me.

WHAT? G as in K/G? There is no fucking way he gave you my number to call.

So Caller #3 continues:

I just got off the phone with my cousin M who said you helped out a friend and you might help me out.

Now I’m so confused. I’ve never heard of this cousin of his, so I’m trying to understand how in the world he could vouch for me, saying I’m a good person to talk to, while at the same time beyond embarrassed by even the remote possibility that K knows about last weeks call. So I’m GRILLING Caller #3 to try to find out as many details as I can, and basically all he’s saying is that he just got off the phone with his cousin two seconds ago (Who again I have NO CLUE who he is, even after he goes into detail about who his cousin is dating and what he looks like etc, it all just confuses me more) and all Caller #3 is saying is that his cousin gave him my number to call.

How in the world did his cousin M give Caller #3 my number if I don’t even know who M is? How many guys have my number and are saying I’m a good person to talk to? Then Caller #3 confirms that yes, for sure K/G knows about last week, but he wouldn’t expand on it. So now I’m just like who the fuck is spilling the beans after I specifically asked them to keep their big ass mouths shut? Like I thought this was prison culture. Don’t say anything more than necessary/zip your lip. This? This was never necessary to speak on. Caller #3 kinda gave the vibe off that the whole situation from last week made its way around the block and my phone number is a valuable commodity in the prison now.

So there’s that.

Anyways, once I get over my initial frustration of someone leaking my info, I remember that there’s a guy on the phone who’s calling to ask for help.

So then I asked him what he was in for, and he’s like oh you’re just gonna jump right in like that hey? So I get straight to it. I basically tell him the reason I’m a good person to talk to is because I’ll keep it real and I expect the same in return, and no matter what, I’ll do my best not to judge, offer an opinion? Yes, but I’ll try not to judge. So if I ask a question, just answer. Honestly. I’ll give my heartfelt true advice, which doesn’t mean I’m right obviously, but I’m not going to beat around the bush either. So he said that’s cool, and then proceeds to inform me that he’s two years into a 12 year sentence for Manslaughter.

Well now.

To be honest, there was a slight lump in my throat, but I managed to keep it together, as he told me his quick version of the events, and then we moved on. People are people and they either make mistakes, or they make decisions. Being drunk or sober, you chose to get to that state and now here you are. Having taken someones life.But at the same time I was pissed. Who thinks it’s ok to be giving my phone number out around the PRISON! To people who have been found guilty of killing people? This is putting myself and my kids at potential risk! So I made a huge mental note about who much to reveal of myself, and figured he’s already gotten my phone number now so I might as well help out anyway I can. If I can be a friend for one person, and make that one small change in his life, maybe I’ve done a little good in the world for today.

Either way, this guy too had an issue about how his girlfriend had dumped him.

Guys. In my opinion, if your life path leads you to prison, and the girl you were with was only your girlfriend, I think it’s completely within her right to break up with you. If you were really interested in that relationship, you would’ve focused on it more BEFORE you made the decisions that lead you to be locked up. If she chooses to stay with you through your stint, than create what beauty you can outta that and remember what a solid girl you have. But if your choices led you to prison, then her choices can also lead her wherever she chooses after that. At this point she’s not your wife, you didn’t make that move to solidify your relationship and so she has not made any vow to you in any capacity to stick by you in thick or thin etc. So if she chooses to respectfully break up and move on to someone who can fulfill her life and make her happy in the ways she want to live her life, you cannot stop her. Continued phone calls etc, are probably not a good idea either. Sure a letter here or there for her birthday to maintain a friendship would be nice unless she explicedly requests for you not to, but she has chosen for you to not be her man. You have to accept that. Just like she had to accept that you made a choice to do something illegal knowing that the chance was there to potentially take you away from her for a long time to maybe forever, yet you chose that over her regardless. How was she supposed to feel?

Grand gestures to “Win her back” are probably not worth it. She’s moved on. She’s allowed to make her choices, just as you made yours. Save your big moves for a new girl who you can form a new solid relationship with from the start. And this time, choose her always. ALWAYS chose the girl over the stupidity that could take you away from the girl. Then neither of you will be stuck in a situation where this kind of decision has to be made.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion.

In the mean time, I’m not sure how I feel knowing I’m slowly becoming the prison therapist.

Unless there’s a salary connected to it?


-Drake & Lil Baby / Yes Indeed-

 

I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m currently in total ‘fuck it’ mode, let’s just call it a lunch break***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack plus a few other things people have been doing for me lately, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest in my mind to her that she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favorite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability to access it. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree, or we’d have more information on the subject. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourselves”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convince someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 🙁  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.

Anyways, trust me I’m not crazy, my kids are safe and yes I’m totally living my day to day life as per usual.


-Drake/Emotionless-