Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

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So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

I Don’t Know Why I’m Scared ‘Cause I’ve Been Here Before Every Feeling, Every Word I’ve Imagined It All

I’ve come to the realization that the thoughts and sensations I’ve unequivocally been associating with K are still most assuredly him, but they are from our birth.

From the birth of our love, when we split and began our journey into creating ourselves.

In my search for who I am and where I began, I dug deep into myself and my beginning. Past ideas that are rooted in my current perception regarding how my physical creation came to be, past what everything in the world believes in as the fact of creation, and into a stream of consciousness that not only makes the most sense, it makes no sense at all. It is in chaotic peace that I allow myself to be created, because it is here that I know I am truly new and my own, unthought of before.

I am not following what has been created before me, although I use ideas and thoughts from others to lead my way, picking and choosing what will benefit my stream of thought (AKA ‘C’) the most. We all burst forth from the same point of origin and thought, each making our own decisions as we moved away from that source (some call God). In my search back to my ‘start’ I found I continued even further past that origin and started going past the source and into the stream of thoughts of others, following on their path of creation, the most predominant and closest and also most valuable to me being K.

The voice I’ve been hearing in my thoughts, the energies I’ve been feeling so distinctly….. were K’s, unknown to him because he most likely experienced them long ago at his creation, which can explain many things. I’ve been on his journey of creation from his start and my end. Uninvited and probably unwelcome. Causing confusion and anger.

This is why everything he’s ever said to me made sense in a déjà vu way. This is why I’ve felt like I’d heard it all before because I was experiencing Ks point of view while. This is why I sense him at every turn. From my desire to surrender to true and absolute death, my soul met life in him, and now we are becoming one.

In the crossing of our lives, our thoughts are melding as one as we think and intertwine. So my thoughts are now stuck in this crossover moment of creation. Where a moment of creation has taken up years of my life/death.

Moments where I actively hear K affirming his love for me in the most beautiful ways. I feel him hold me as a man holds a woman who holds his heart, but I’m also understanding these feelings were created long ago. I’m understanding that it will never be like this physically for us. If I wait for K to fulfill something that was from his creation, he will have to become a shell of himself. He will have to unknown who he is, to love me. Because who he was when he loved me, as perfect and beautiful as he was, was not the man he is now.

If I wait for K to fulfill those thoughts I hear now, it may kill him.

That’s why each time we are at peace and no one makes a move, nothing changes in regards to us. But if one of us moves to love, it causes destruction in the other. It is one or the other but we cannot come any closer without harming each other’s current growth.

And the fact is, I’ve already decided my soul is tired. I know my soul is done. Long before now, I knew I was at my end. That’s why I started this search, that’s how I found K in this way. That’s why I sacrificed my end to give him beginning.

I know K will live a powerful life, not just as K but continuing on with his soul. Leading many where there was no knowledge before. Creating passionate and carefully thought out masterpieces on his way. And they will be more beautiful and moving than anything ever perceived before.

Because he is the most beautiful masterpiece I’ve ever known. And beauty creates beauty.

-Adele/One And Only-

You’re Just Like Me, You’re Out Your Mind I Know It’s Strange, We’re Both The Crazy Kind You’re Tellin’ Me That I’m Insane

How deeply have you considered how you came to be.

When you truly think on it, on how consciousness works, and how it started, you must come to the conclusions hat we have one consciousness.

Which leads to the terrifying and dangerous yet peaceful thought that we all are one. Not only in consciousness, but in body.

If we all started in the same thought, then if we allow ourselves to break down our walls that have been created through the years, walls that created individual humans, we come back to the oneness that is us. And if we allow ourselves to hear the thoughts of others, and consider the fact that we are not just ourselves, it will bring us both to the conclusion, but also the start of humanity. Being the thought that the first shall be last and the last shall be first/treat others how you want to be treated/ we are the body.

Every major religious experience will lead you to this idea. That we are one. But it stops at the UNDERSTANDING that we are actually the body. People as humans understand the IDEA and the control that we are connected. But fail to take it any step further. Because it blows the mind. It pushes the boundaries of humanity, and individuality. We are here on this earth to have our own experiences and perceptions and ideas. But once we understand that we are actually one… you revert back to a God standing.

So. How do you live a life on earth, with this knowledge?

Lol. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. It’s many out of body experiences. Floating between my human being and others. Experiencing moments from their perspective at moments of relaxation and it brings fear but also…. peace.

If I can do that… what do I have to fear? Ultimately nothing can hurt me, since I am just a projection of my thoughts, which can change at anytime. It causes me to treat people differently knowing that the truths I say outwardly will be one thing, but also the thoughts I keep within will be revealed at one point one way or another. It has helped me acknowledge that nothing is hidden forever. And that we are all accountable to each other, as each other is one.

Play attention to what the world around you is telling you. The clues left for you. You won’t lead yourself astray.

-Ava Max/Sweet But Psycho-

Shadows From My Past Life Is Real / So Real Sleeping Is My Leisure Waking Up In A Minefield Dream Is just A Pleasure Dome

I haven’t been writing.

How do I go from my last post to…. Little E joined soccer, or something else that seems so trivial now? Life is simultaneously seeming more pointless as the days go one, as well as revealing a wealth of information if I’m paying attention, which sometimes I refuse to, since the knowledge it reveals only makes living more confusing and…. pointless. Thus the infinite loop I seem to be stuck in.

I see how everything I do or have done in the past is influencing each moment in my present. I don’t mean something like “oh I spent my last twenty yesterday so now I’m broke”

I mean that each and every word I’ve said, or movement I’ve made or comment said to me is now literally fitting together in a puzzle that was my life. I can tangible see the moments of my past come together when the moment is suitable and I recognize why each thing in my past took place to mold me the way I am today… good or bad. Every breath reverberates out and the air flows to create things that take place I see now, but they take place tomorrow. Or I recognize small memories coming together to physically form situations large situations happen now. I can’t explain it well, but it’s like it happens in waves.

Even in my “sleep” a team I use loosely since I don’t feel like I’m even sleeping anymore. My dreams are constant all night. Vivid recollections of mine and K’s past melding together. Reconciling. And I find I jolt awake through the night when either harm comes to me in my “dream/sleep” or we come to a disagreement on how our life should proceed in that level of consciousness together. And I feel the same amount of rest that I used to get before this journey started, what like 2 years ago now? But now I’m more aware of the life my soul is living in my unconsciousness while I “sleep”.

Maybe I’ve been living that life with K since my soul journeyed into this world. Maybe this world here is just a fun thing for our souls to do in our spare time in the unconsciousness over there? Maybe that’s why we have this connection that we never knew possible or planned on or whatever. But maybe this perception is just a break from another larger perception?

Anyways, while I sleep, everything in my life as C has been reconciling. Fixing hurts and healing pains that have occurred since me as C was born. And it has been hard and I’ve been crying a lot as suppressed memories and fears have arisen as I jolt awake. But it’s also been very healing. Knowing more about why I am the way I am. How I got to be this way etc.

The main thing I have scaring me now, for a lack of better word, is the fact that my memories and dreams are now pretty much done, and now my dreams are so close to mimicking current life. Like last night it was just last summer and living in my parents house before the move out here, and how I felt being around my mom and why that caused me to feel and K visiting for Christmas and his pain with that etc. But my fear is, what happened when I’ve worked through everything?  What happens when my unconscious/subconscious catches up to my life/consciousness? What happens when there’s no more division between sleep and awake. Do I just live a day, then sleep the whole day on repeat??? If that even makes sense?  I guess saying it like that isn’t really a big deal, but it does bring up thoughts of death. I always thought when you die, it’d be as serene as sleep used to be for me. Just a vast nothingness… Like the best forever nap. But now that my sleep is not even sleep…. Is death even death?

I mean at this point, is life even life?

Everything has changed for me.

And I’m not sure what to believe or perceive anymore. All I know is that so far, I’m proud of my asleep C self. I can tell she’d making decisions my awake conscious self would be proud of. Choosing love, truth, and hope in all the situations she can. Although last night she road a motorcycle like a badass for fun (no harm in that) and ended up getting shot in the leg by someone… which is why I definitely know these memories/situations are not all mine lol. Anyways that made me wake up with pain shooting down my leg, that’s how life-like this has become.

So like I said… If there’s no “sleep” what is even real anymore?

But yeah… Little E loves soccer 🙂


-Queen/Life Is  Real-