It related exactly to everything I was trying to explain. How my mind seemingly split into three channels .and what each one felt like. While the article details that it can happen instantaneously, and yes it did, the flow and healing my body and mind experienced, lasted closer to 20-30 seconds before I felt I was swirled back into my individual self again.
I know it seems like I talk about this a lot now, but to be honest, my mind is always considering it now. I think that is the main focus of the awakening. To create a self that is always aware of more from that point on.
Yes, I go to work and care for my kids in the same manner as before, but in a sense it is new and fresh and I am different. I am now aware of a new connection and have a deeper knowledge. Not only am I aware of it, but it’s continually allowing me to learn the fact that my knowledge of it will forever more be growing. Learning more of the expanse of God and the creator and the presence that is always with us and connecting us. Not only am I able to know more, but it allows me to fear less. As I know have the knowledge of understanding that God leads the way. This beautiful birth of love has been created from within the depths of the soul and is constantly flourishing in a new and healthier way with each breathe I take.
It’s a beautiful way to live.
And I’m thankful each moment. Especially as someone who was prepared to die. No I was not suicidal, but it was as if life had begun to lose it’s luster. I had to dig so deep to find a purpose and a meaning and a reason. And now to see that my meaning and reason could be just to heal and feel this freedom. To feel each breath and each heartbeat. Knowing that? Knowing I’ve been sent to feel love in its fullness?
Friday I went back to the naturopath who’s been helping me with my liver. Which I found out is doing better thanks to Dr. K.
Last time I was there, she had recommended a B12 shot that would bypass the digestive system since she’d inject it right in my arm, and I could experience the full benefit of the vitamin. So I figured it sounded worth a try. OMG! About an hour after the shot I felt like I was vibrating. And I was to be honest, my hands were literally shaking. I’d never had so much energy IN MY LIFE. I picked up the kids from daycare and took them straight to the park where we ran around for an hour or so. Then after dinner I took them for a walk near the river valley close to our house. Once the kids were in bed, I went for a jog on the treadmill because I still felt like I couldn’t sit still. Around 9, after I had showered, I got high because I was still vibrating from so much energy and I just wanted my body to relax a little and slow down. It was the craziest feeling ever, and the whole day I just kept wondering if this is how “normal” people feel every day? Like do most people have this much energy all the time and that’s why people feel like going to the gym, or doing things at night after they’re done work. Because I normally just feel like chillin but that day I FELT like doing things, anything. It’s hard to explain, other than I knew I wanted that feeling again, so I was back for more on Friday.
This time around though, Dr. K had suggested doing an IV drip with a whole solution of vitamins. I was game. I figured it could only make me feel like I did before or better because there would be more variety of vitamins.
The problem though? Dr. K is not the best at the whole sticking the needle in my vein part. Not veins in general, just mine. My appointment was at 12:45, and when I got there, someone else had an appointment at around 1 but had arrived a little early. Dr. K asked if I would mind if she went first since she had somewhere to be. Nope, I’m cool, I don’t have to get the kids til after 4. The IV room is similar to a waiting room with reclining chairs and the other patient got her IV in on the second try (not the best but wait for it) then Dr. K leaves her for her 45 minutes to let the bag drip and do its thing.
Now it’s my turn. I have no fear of needles. Go ahead and stick me wherever, it doesn’t bother me. But, I have been told before that my veins are deep and rolling… whatever that means. Well, apparently that meant Dr. K had to attempt 4 unsuccessful times before it closed in on 2:00 and she had another patient coming in. So she asked if I could possibly come back after 3? Sure why not, I honestly had no other concrete plans for the afternoon so I might as well. Plus I wanted to feel that “energy high” again. So I headed to the mall for a bit before I came back to resume by spot as the human pin cushion.
Dr. K tried 2 more times, busting straight through one vein before we gave up. Oh did I mention when I came back at 3 there was another patient in the IV room who had successfully gotten theirs in no problem? 😠
Anyways, we decided to move on from IV. It obviously wasn’t going to work this time around, but Dr. K did have one injection left that she could do for me that day so at least it wasn’t all for naught. It was similar at the B12 I previously had, but it also had a few other things mixed in, (that I can’t remember now) and it would have to go in my rear end.
So I know have 6 twoonie size bruises all over my hands/arms and a band-aid on my rear end and to be frank…. I didn’t even get the energy I wanted.
The shot made me feel like junk. Actually to be more specific, it made me super emotional. As you’ve probably already gathered, I’m not a very emotional person. I didn’t cry at my wedding (ok maybe that’s not the best marker for this lol) I didn’t cry when I gave birth, or on Little E’s first day of school. I’m just not that emotional. I do cry yes, but it’s more rare than most. But Friday, after that shot? I was all over the map.
K was supposed to come over that night and I couldn’t pull myself together enough for a visit so I called and wanted to ask them not to come. But I couldn’t explain myself well at all and it caused issues.
Then I was watching random videos on my phone and I started tearing up. I’m pretty sure the videos were “fail” videos but for some reason I was crying at something that was actually hilarious.
I had zero energy. So the kids had peanut butter and honey sandwiches with carrot sticks for dinner and then played outside until bed.
Saturday was slightly better, I cried only once (maybe twice but you’ll never know) in the morning and managed to control myself for the most part for the rest of the day.
It’s not the fact that I didn’t have the energy I was looking for that bothers me, as much as the fact that I couldn’t control my emotions. Something that I’ve prided myself in, is being stone cold and being able to hold back when necessary. Being able to take feeling out of the situation and use logic to find the best solution. But during the last few days I felt like my mind was clouded in a way by feelings. Obviously they are my own feelings, but they confuse the moment and make the situation more difficult to judge and therefore solve. So it’s been frustrating to say the very least.
I definitely prefer my sane logical self. Maybe just with more energy but not if I have to sacrifice reason.