This Girl Is Half His Age Don’t Stand So Close To Me

I made a mistake.

As a mom. I didn’t realize how my comment would affect Little E until the other day I went to give him a hug and kiss, which is pretty standard in our house and he turned his head so I could only kiss his cheek as opposed to his lips. So I asked if he was to mature to give his mom a little kiss? Let’s be reasonable here just for discussions sake. It’s not like we kiss with tongue or anything longer then a quick kiss to show affection and love. It’s nothing sexual and totally fine. But when I asked that he replied that no, it wasn’t because he was to cool, it was that a few days ago I made the comment that he should not kiss Z (his little sister for my new readers) on the lips. Now. For perspective, my kids just turned 6&9 this summer. And once in a while when they go to bed or say goodbye, they’ll give each other a big hug and a kiss. And apparently my uncomfortableness felt the need to push its way to the surface finally and I asked them to build walls between themselves to make myself feel better.

When he said that, I felt like shit.

I didn’t mean to cause him to think showing affection towards anyone is a negative thing, or something that needed to be reviewed in his life. In fact I have no logical reason for making that offhand comment to him other than for the same reason I no longer allow them to bathe together or don’t let them have sleepovers in each other’s rooms. I have fear.

I don’t want anything happening to Z. Now please, please don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Little E would ever do anything intentionally her or vice versa but as a mother I have to understand kids are innocent, but they also like to explore. So since I have the knowledge of that, I have to use my personal position as an adult in authority to prevent any harm to either of them in anyway that I can. That includes any potential sexual exploration among each other.

I know. This is a very taboo topic. And one that each family decides for themselves.

I for myself was never sexually assaulted as a child by a family member, but when you hear stories, you want to make sure you are considerate of others pain, and think of ways to keep your own kids safe.

Obviously, I’m being on the extreme side when I bring up the term sexual assault. But it starts somewhere. And so I have to teach both of my kids safe boundaries in regards to how they treat their bodies as well as how they approach others. I wanted to make sure Z felt ok with how she was being ‘loved’ and also that just because someone else wanted a kiss, didn’t mean she had too. I said the same thing to Little E. Like if we go to even a family get together or something and you don’t want to hug or kiss someone, you don’t have to. And from there, no he felt uncomfortable giving me a kiss to.

So I guess that’s my own fault, but I also think it’s ok in a way. It’s making him think through intimacy and boundaries. I don’t want him to think it’s never ok to kiss others, but I want there to definitely open up a conversation about it.

We’ll see where this goes from here. And I apologize this post is all over the place. I’ve written it in bits and pieces over the day and don’t feel like even reading it over for consistency’s sake. But thanks for reading anyways.

Has anyone had this issue or conversation with your own kids? How did it go? Or did you just leave them on their own to grow and figure it out alone? Let me know!

-The Police/Don’t Stand So Close To Me-

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Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

Together Forever And Never To Part Together Forever We Two And Don’t You Know I Would Move Heaven And Earth

Sleep.

Have you ever wondered where ‘we’ go while we sleep? Where do our thoughts rest? Lately, I’ve been through some fantastic flows that have allowed me to understand more deeply my connection to others, starting with K.

When I’m at my most relaxed, just about to fall asleep, in a vulnerable human state, at the point in time when most of us just fall into darkness and a point of unconsciousness and don’t remember upon wakening what happened the night before, I’m starting a journey. Each time is different, but it’s a walk along my thoughts towards a connection to K.

Years ago now, we used to fuck at night, our bodies moving as one without ever really realizing in the full consciousness (at least on my end) what was happening. Then the arguments and testing came. Each of us trying to prove to one another that it was us reaching out to the other through various forms in the perceived reality we both live in. Calls at a certain time. Specific pictures at this moment. Thoughts vibrated the question in silence but the answer coming verbally. Once we both passed through those phases, we reached a stage of deeper love and trust I thought. The next phase allowed each other to experience the pain of each other’s lives. The hate and fear we’ve both lived on separate occasions, bringing the other deeper into not only our lives and thoughts but our very existence.

But now, now it’s a beautiful thing we’ve moved onto. It’s like we’ve passed so many human levels and have moved into the unexplainable cosmic realm. It’s like the loops on our respective sides of the infinity loops are closing in and we are both getting closer to the center. Where our entire being and aura spread out to rest within and amongst ourselves and each other. I’ve rested on the waters that were K. I’ve felt the waves of his presence wash over me. I’ve been embraced by his colour. Like I can’t even describe it in all its physical beauty because words do not suffice.

To trust someone so much that you bear your soul, your essence to them. Your ideas and thoughts of creation to them. Not just with words but with all that there is. And have them there on the receiving end to grasp it? It’s pure ecstasy.

The only fear and pain I have with this experience is that I cannot embrace it forever. That it only lasts so long, after which we slowly disentangle and I return to this. To C. To what I am now. There are always small adjustments made to me after the separation back to humanity, for the better. I feel like our energy is doing a give and take type thing. But the push back to my fully human form although not actually physically painful, causes so much emotional pain because it so light years away from the safety and security and bliss I feel while floating with K. I feel like I’m missing myself. I feel unwhole. It leaves me crying like I’ve never experienced each time harder and deeper than the last until I have trouble breathing, but it’s worth it.

Maybe remaining in that state of connection takes a skill level that I’m either still just learning or lost on my way to this physical experience. Maybe it’s something humans have never learned or created at this level, so there is no instruction for it. But I know now it’s possible. It’s unforgettable now.

I just haven’t figured out how to maintain it for long. But I live for those moments. They are everything pure and beautiful and honest and whole to me. They are my rest and rejuvenation. They are now where I go when I sleep. I spread my thoughts upon K. And I feel him. And we just are. As we are.

Together.

And I never want to leave.

-Rick Astley/Together Forever-

The Very Rarest Example Of Duality Two Minds Apart With Individuality But Never To Be Apart

Twin flames

Soul mates

All those ‘infinite’ connections are something I wouldn’t wish on someone. All it does is draw you in, and push you out.

The main thing I’ve come to understand on this section of my life since that one dream that started this all. The one where it wasn’t even a dream but I was floating out of my body in the nothingness with K and we had a beautiful conversation about our future and I was first introduced to ideas like twin flame etc, is that if you find your ‘mate’, you can’t actually be with them. Because the more the both of you understand your connection, the more you come to understand that all the energies in your two perceptions are split evenly 50:50.

So if you end up coming together… there is nothing left. In order for the two of you to peacefully come together, the rest of your perception and reality must have been resolved first. If you two as twin flames, started from somewhere, then both set off on your separate ways, leaving a path of creation behind you, then in order to successfully return to one another, you must uncreate everything you both made since you left each other long ago.

This is obviously only achievable if both parties are at a please of understanding and willingness, which unfortunately is impossible. When you both set off, one had to make the first move, and then the other. Which means now and forever, thus infinitely, you will be one step off. Sure you will feel the pull and the desires and the deeper energies with that individual, but unfortunately, the closest you can get is more frustration and pain as you draw closer and then dance around as fear enters. Or they take a step closer and somehow, because of that one step, it pushes you away.

There is, and will always be an unbalanced nature between the two of you. In as much as you know the two of you may be, or are connected. Because of the clues you leave each other. The connections you experience at night while in bed. The moments you hold each other from miles away. The times you see them when they aren’t in the room. The times your perception splits open and they are standing there… it’s only served to make it more difficult, because of the original separation.

Maybe that original separation was the most beautiful thing and was required in order to create one another. Without separation, we would still be one and the same, and what joy does that bring? To be alone in the world? So we separated to allow ourselves to become independent individuals in order to come back to each other with new experiences and stories and adventures to share. Never once did we consider that coming back together, back to ourselves, would be such a struggle.

One that maybe we’ve given up on eons ago. But our innate being would have us constantly trying to find our source. Which because of our initial choice of love, has become seemingly impossible.

So the burden of ‘finding’ your twin flame. Your soul mate. Your self basically. Leads to a major blame game. A push and pull of energy. A who’s who of such. Who was first. Who left who. Forgiveness. Healing of energy. But then, you meet at the 50:50 way. And it’s over. And you realize someone has to leave again to start life again. To start the pain again. So is it worth it? Forgiving, exploring your pain only to heal and be hurt again? To exchange this pain for that healing to start the infinite ♾ cycle again? What’s worse is that it’s not only energy that seems to be split, but knowledge and feeling as well.

And never ending? No thanks. I’m more of a problem solver, and if I’ve opened up and seen the end and beginning loop? And seen in reality and nothingness that there is no possibility of anything different? It seems hopeless and pointless now to me. But then again, maybe it’s just my turn to feel that.

-Broken Hope/Loathing-