I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

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But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing  something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavement Even If It Leads Nowhere

So I’m on the plane waiting to take off for home.

I guess from an outsiders point of view, you could say this was a successful trip. Mainly based on the fact that…

I BOUGHT A HOUSE. Well, almost. Let me explain.

So the original property that I loved already had an offer on it, but the real estate agent that’s been helping everyone in the office found a new one that was just put on the market a few days ago, so we went to check it out.

First off, the neighbourhood was great. Way better than the first place I liked. It’s a townhouse (obviously) and when you drive into the complex there’s a park in a great little green area which would be excellent for little E and Z to play at after school while I’m making dinner or on weekends etc. And even while we were checking the place out, there were a few kids playing there, which was nice to see, knowing that there are other kids in the area. Then, the unit I’m purchasing (or attempting to) is located at the far end of the U-shaped complex, which means that the only traffic driving in front of my place would be myself and my would be neighbour, whose house is the very last one in the complex. So that’s always good for peace of mind, knowing if the kids are out riding bikes or playing out front, traffic is next to none. There’s a car port, which for Kelowna is good enough because with the weather you don’t require anything more than that, since you don’t have to worry about tons of snow in the winter, but even that is better than my current situation which is currently just a stall out back. There’s also 4-5 available parking spots right out front for visitors. Not that I have any friends in Kelowna right now that I would be expecting any time soon, but eventually.

The inside of the house didn’t have the wow factor like the original house did, but it has lots of great character like exposed wood beams and new bamboo flooring. I think it was just mainly paint colour and a few light fixtures that were off-putting. But as I started to look around I realized that the layout was pretty good and it has a really decent feel to it.

My boss A, has offered to come out and spend a couple of days painting after I pick out colours as well as update any light fixtures I want just to brighten the place up, before we move in. Other than that I had no issues with the place.

It fit all my requirements, like 3 bedroom/2 bath/various levels/safe area/close to schools and shopping and TONS of storage. Literally, I have no idea what I would even put in all those nooks and crannies lol.

But after the viewing we met up for lunch with everyone from the office and basically my boss and his dad (co-owners) decided they would by it, as the company, since these properties come up few and far between. If this whole Kelowna thing ends up falling through, they are confident they can resell it no problem. But right now, we have put in an offer to the owners and the company is taking care of down payment and basically everything else associated with it for now.

Then once I sell my house, I’ll be able to get my personal financing, and buy it from the company. It also means I’ll have an address to register my kids for school with, once that process starts in February.

Here I thought this trip was going to be a ‘research’ trip. Check out the sights. View the hotspots. Get to know the town etc. And I did. I visited multiple beaches. I went to my first (and second and third) winery and did multiple wine tastings. I had more lattes than I could keep track of, at more little independent coffee shops than I remember. I checked out the YMCA’s and other sports centres, and got pricing for memberships. I got info on the latest and greatest fruit & veggie stands. I saw different schools in various catchments. I learned where the druggies hang at night and where the ‘poor girls who can’t afford many clothes’ chill.

But I honestly didn’t think I’d be flying home with a property waiting for me to come back to.

Kelowna is beautiful. Relaxing and even though it was a stressful jam-packed trip, it was enjoyable. The entire city gave off an easy-going vibe.

But what it didn’t give off though, was a multi-cultural feel.

I saw 1 African American the entire trip. And that gave me pause. Will that cause issues for my kids? Will they be more likely to be targets of bullying because they stand out from others? Is this move going to be detrimental to them because of potential ignorance playing a higher role?

The very last thing that I want is for this move to cause problems for them, because I hadn’t thought that aspect through. On one hand, I feel like my kids will have to learn to love themselves no matter what other think/say, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a different colour skin tone, and so they need to know and truly believe that. But on the other hand, do I want to potentially make that issue a little more difficult than necessary for them to deal with? All because I want a little more relaxed lifestyle?


-Adele/Chasing Pavement-

Give Your All To Me I’ll Give My All To You Your My End And My Beginning Even When I Lose I’m Winning

You know what they say, picture or it didn’t happen 😏.

I meant to post yesterday, but just ended up being so busy with life that, well, here I am.

I did originally by the flowers for myself, as promised but since yesterday was Z’s birthday I decided to gift them to her by the time I got home. She was so excited but not as thrilled as she was when she opened her little kids makeup kit! I let her do her own as well as mine and needless to say we both looked like clowns by the end of it.

But I decided to give her the roses as more of a…lesson? Nah not really a lesson, but I want her to feel like she should have high expectations from people and that she deserves special things especially on days like her birthday.

When I was young I envisioned my husband taking our daughters out on dates while they are young, to teach them what they should expect and show them what it’s like to be treated respectfully by a man. To show them what they deserve, and so they can know what is good vs. crappy date behaviour. Now, since Z’s dad is not around to do that, I still think it’s important for her to know, and also something for little E to learn, how to treat a woman. So I gifted the flowers to her.

I heard a quote a few months back that I’m going to slaughter, but it was roughly like this;

Don’t teach little girls that when a boy teases/bullies her it’s because he likes her, because then she’ll grow to learn that being bullied is the definition of love.

This stood out to me like WOW! It made a lot of sense. Probably to me more than some of you, but it definitely was something I wanted to incorporate into my family. First to teach Z that love is love. Not teasing and bullying and name calling etc, and therefore she should never accept that from any man or woman for that matter. And next to show little E more positive ways to express his emotions when he does start to have feelings for someone.

Anyways, keeping it super short and simple for today. If anyone knows the actual quote I’m trying (and probably failing miserably) to refer to, give me a shout.


-John Legend/All Of Me-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

Figures, I Gave You Ride Or Die And You Gave Me Games/Love Figures I Gave You All And You Gave Me Shit

I've never felt so outright disrespected probably ever, at least that I can remember. W? He was killed. E? Never knew what he was doing. But this? This is K actively being… well just awful.

So the mess with K? Well I've been working behind the scene trying to get word to him. Making sure he knew that he needed to add people to his contact list and all that jazz.

Just a refresher though…
K asked me originally to track down his final check from work and send him the money. So I'm thinking he's expecting something from me in the mail to be delivered to the prison, and therefore will want my name added to his list of approved contacts. Sounds logical right?

Well not only was the money order I sent returned to me, but when I tried to get word to K about the approved contact list, because in my mind I'm thinking he must not know about it if he hasn't already added my name… he called yesterday to basically piss all over me.

Saying no, don't bother with the money, keep it for him (yeah right) he's known my address the whole time…and he'll call me when he gets out.

Fuck no!

Who does he think he is? Making that choice for me, about when our relationship/friendship/fucked up life goes on hold? On the call yesterday he revealed that he'd been calling everyone EXCEPT me. And all this time, I'm writing him, and trying to do what I can to support him, and now he's throwing it in my face. I don't even know how, but somehow it's my fault for trying to be there for him.

He told me months ago how his ex twisted things for him the first time he went in, messed shit up on the outside and played with some shit that screwed him over, and I was trying instead to do the exact opposite of that. But apparently he's been calling the ex (and everyone else) and she's been twisting my words and making me look like scum and he's just eating it up, without a second thought.

I'm like wow. You just believe everything she said point blank. You haven't even called me. You asked me to do these few things for you and when I try and follow them through, you shit all over me.
Then you say you'll call me when your out, like that should be some gift to me.

No thanks.

A few people have said things along the lines of guys don't like to mix the life inside with out here and try to just do their time, then move on when they get out. People who don't even know K and I and all that's happened. And if that was the case, I MIGHT have been more understanding. But nope. He seems perfectly comfortable mixing the two worlds when he calls his family or friends from back home or his ex, who already messed up prison for him once. So like what the fuck.

It's a damn privilege to have someone like me in your life and you K… just fucked yourself over.

-Jessie Reyez/Figures-

Figures
I gave you ride or die and you gave me games
Love figures
I know I'm crying 'cause you just won't change
Love figures
I gave it all and you gave me shit
Love figures
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures
I'm the bad guy 'cause I can't learn to trust
Love figures
You say sorry once and you think it's enough
I got a lineup of girls and a lineup of guys
Begging for me just to give 'em a try
Figures
I'm willing to stay
'Cause I'm sick for your love
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures

A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action Please

Ladies! What is wrong with us? Apparently the majority of the female population are putting out this vibe that we don’t give a f**k? That we aren’t there to support or listen to men. It’s absurd how many guys, after ONE night/date/phone call/what have you, will tell me I’m so easy to talk to, or that I really listen, or that they should be paying me for my therapy services, or they feel really comfortable around me unlike other girls in the past.
This truly baffles me. Because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything extraordinary that any human being shouldn’t be practicing on a daily basis. I make conversation. I make a honest effort to get to know people. I enjoy making people smile, but I also know there’s a time and a place for that. I understand sympathy but because of my life I hold a large amount of empathy in many situations. I don’t think anyone’s thoughts are invalid, dumb sometimes, yes but I understand everyone has their own opinions.

What I don’t understand, is how so many men, seem to have never met a woman who listens like I do. Because it’s so simple. Men have issues and feelings that they need someone to talk to about, probably even more so than chicks, because they most likely don’t have a group of gal pals they gossip with every Friday night unlike some people…. But they don’t wanna tell a woman all their issues so the girl can tell them what do with it, or try to solve the problem for them. But instead they want to talk with a woman so the man feels support in the choices he’s making. If he feels he trusts the girl enough, then believe me, I know by experience, he will ask for your advice, and because it’s welcomed and invited at that point, 90%+ of the time, he’ll take it.

But if girls are just either not going to want to listen to men talk about deep stuff in their lives in the first place, or listen only to tell the guy what to do? Then the guys aren’t gonna wanna talk.

I try to always remember this saying I heard so many years ago.

“Most people listen to respond, they don’t listen to hear.’

And since then I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to listen to hear what a person is truly saying. Sometimes I pause, think it through, I even ask myself if it requires a response, then if so what direction should it go. Because sometimes an individual won’t speak the exact words directly, but the meanings or implications are there if you are seriously making an effort to hear.

I dunno… it’s either really working, or really not, depending on what way you view my situation/life  😂


-Elvis Presley/A Little Less Conversation-

I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

Happy Birthday To You Happy Birthday Dear Little E, Happy Birthday To You.

Today is little E’s 7th birthday. And I have so many things I’ve been wanting to post about, but decided to write about the day he was born. Because that’s a story of its own!

My pregnancy with little E went great. Absolutely no morning sickness, none of the uncomfortable sleeping at night, just a tiny bit of heartburn near the end which I’m pretty sure can be attributed to all the hair he was born with. I’m very lucky to have had such a good pregnancy because E was no support. Throughout the 9 months, he would often suggest that the baby was in fact not his, and that the night of my failed housewarming ( https://shewassetfree.wordpress.com/2017/04/12/house-warming-it-was-cold-as-fuck/) I had slept with S, and therefore who knows how many other men. As you can imagine this was difficult to deal with while pregnant, and I didn’t feel very supported, so it was nice to at least feel like the baby was working with me.

The only thing that really changed for me was that I craved steak like nobody’s business. I could eat steak for breakfast, lunch, dinner and still want more, until some blood work revealed that it was amazing I was still up and walking since my iron was SO depleted. Once I got on some iron supplements, the cravings slowed and then the only that bothered me was smell.

EVERYTHING stunk to me. Especially E. He would get home from work, I’d have to ask him to shower. He’d come home from rugby practice, where he just showered, and I’d make him do it again. Before we left anywhere, I’d ask him to reapply deodorant, or shower. I know he didn’t actually stink more than before, but to me? Oh god the smell was awful. At one point we went to my parents for supper and I actually apologized to my mom for how E smelled and she’s like ‘honey, he doesn’t smell, it’s your nose/hormones’ … didn’t matter to me, I still needed him to shower 3x a day if not more.

So, anyways as we neared, and then passed little E’s due date, I found myself doing all the preparations for the baby. E didn’t put together one baby item. He didn’t purchase one particle of clothing for our first child. He was barely interested in conversations about the name even. Except of course to throw in the lies about the middle name and confuse the shit outta everything. But as far as first names go, it was basically up to me, which I’m so grateful for! At least now I don’t have to say my kids names every day and have regrets about them. I picked them both out and love them throughly.

Since apparently my womb is so comfortable, little E stayed 10 days past his due date and I had an appointment to be induced. E decided he didn’t want to come with me, so I drove myself to the hospital. He basically said let him know how it goes and if anything happens, he would come later.

So I was on my own. 22 years old. About to give birth to my first child. And my husband chose work over supporting me.

I went through the process and stayed for about an hour when the nurse came to check me out and said there was no signs of labor so I could head home for now, but to come back if anything changes. So I headed home. I had some slight back pain but, since this was my first time, I kept waiting for ‘contractions’ and yet had no idea what they would feel like. My back pain kept getting worse and I had no way of relieving it, so I took a shower. E was home from work by the time I got out of the shower but I was in so much pain all I could do was sit on my towel on my bed. This ended up being probably the best thing for me, since while I was still on the towel, my water broke and I finally clued in that my back pain was actually contractions. #idiot
I told E we had to go now, and his response was that I had to wait since he needed to eat since he just got him from work and was hungry. So while E did whatever he did in the kitchen, I got myself dressed and hauled my hospital bag out to the car, all while in labor.
E finally moseyed his way to the car and we went to the hospital where I was admitted ASAP.

My mom met us at the hospital since at this point I knew E was going to be probably not too much help and to be honest I was scared and needed someone to be there as a support. Most women have their husbands for support, but well, I had E soooo, mom was like my plus one.

My mom came into the room and then E left! I was like what the? And he told us that he didn’t think he was going to stay in the room because where he’s from the men don’t stay, it’s more of a woman’s thing. I was like get your ass in this room right now! You got me into this! You are going to help me through it! I don’t care if you just stand there silently or even faint! You stay!
So he did, although he just stood there quietly, he stayed in the room.

Meanwhile, because everything was happening so quickly, my room was buzzing with people. My maid of honor at my wedding is actually a labour and delivery nurse and was working that night, which was the only thing keeping me sane. She tried to make sure I had the best Dr. and nurses and when the actual delivery came she was right there helping out too.

I didn’t have a big ‘delivery plan’. I knew I was all for the drugs though, I mean if I can do this pain-free, then load me up. So they started with the laughing gas (which did nothing to help) while my MOH tracked down an anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist came and did his poke, but for some reason, the epidural didn’t work either, and this baby was coming NOW.

I remember the Dr doing that dumb counting thing, like for your breathing, and everyone’s saying oh you’re doing great, good job, keep going, and I just snapped. I actually yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at everyone. In my mind I just wanted quite so I could focus on my own in peace, plus their words were doing nothing to help so I just wanted silence. After I yelled though I felt bad so I kept apologizing, and trying to explain how I just needed quite, and everyone’s like no it’s ok, you can yell all you want.

So, the pushing is going on and there’s so much happening in my room with me and E and my mom and about 6-8 staff (I don’t even know for sure) because something is going wrong…. as I’m pushing, the baby gets stuck. So my MOH gets a stool and stands on it, holds her arms out like she’s about to perform CPR and then literally JUMPS and pushes onto my belly and helps push little E out. Who let me tell you, WAS NOT LITTLE!

Little E was 9lbs 7ozs and a short little sucker. He looked like a sumo wrestler no lie. A cute sumo wrestler. The Dr who delivered him felt the need to comment saying ‘Oh if I had known he was this big, I would’ve done a C-section’. Oh thank you for that. Thanks for saying that NOW! When there’s no going back. Thanks for talking about the huge new life I just pushed through my vagina while you use a dozen stitches to close me up. Yeah, thanks. Real professional.

But, aside from having my genitalia ripped open, the drugs not working, and E not being interested at all in being there…

It was the most beautiful day of my life. No I didn’t cry. But I was very broken at the time. I did cherish it though. I remember little E had no problem starting to nurse and the feeling of having a new life, a human, so small yet fully functioning, look into your eyes while feeding off of the life you bring it? Priceless.

I stayed up all night just watching him. Making sure he was ok. Changing diapers that didn’t need to be changed, but just to do it.. Waking up E so he could bring me the baby. Holding him. Touching him. Stroking his hair. Looking into his eyes. Singing to him. Just loving him. And I would do it all again.
Everything I’ve been through with E, I would do again just to have the amazing experience of little E’s life it has brought me.

7 years ago today.


-Patty Hill&Mildred Hill/Happy Birthday-

My Friends All Tell Me Maybe I Should Seek A Psychic They Tell Me Just Beware I May Or May Not Like It

So, take this with a grain of salt, but I went for my first time to see a psychic today. I booked an appointment originally for a chakra healing session and then after that was done I decided since I was there to throw in a palm reading since… well I was there and curious so why not.

So for the healing session, I laid on her table and she had all the music and incense going. Then she laid her crystals on me and told me to relax. More. MORE. Bitch this is me totally relaxed! Like I’m breathing calmly, laying still, I honestly don’t know how to relax more than this! I hate when people tell me to relax, since I hardly ever get worked up. I’m pretty homeostasis all the time. Even if my steady state is a tense stressful state… that’s how I stay lol.

Anyways she started her thing, and spent a lot of her time focusing on my ankle, which made me chuckle inwardly. She’s probably thinking I’ve got tons of ‘blocked energy’ there but in reality, I twisted it on Monday night and it’s just been messed up and swollen since. I figured if she knows what she’s doing, like if she’s the real deal, she’ll figure it out on her own, and I ain’t saying nothing.

So she spent maybe 45 minutes doing her thing with her hands and the crystals and whatever else she did, I can’t really say since I had my eyes closed and was trying to ‘relax’ 😒. But then she removed the crystals and said when I was ready to come over to the table.

I felt very stiff and… heavy? Yeah heavy, while trying to get off the table. It actually took me 2 tries since I couldn’t move my arm the first time it was so heavy. But I made my way to the table and she started to explain what she ‘felt/sensed/saw’ with me.

For starters, she told me my chakras are very balanced, and overall I’m a well-balanced person, with no major ‘blockages’ anywhere. There was only one thing she really noticed which was a feeling of disappointment in my emotional chakra. So now I’m starting to thing this lady might actually know a thing or two.

She went on to say she saw something she’d never seen before which was feathers falling all around me in a bright white light. So she didn’t know if that represented angels or spirituality but that somehow I was very connected to the spiritual world and in a way enlightened.

I recently had an ‘experience’ and thought it might be a little too ‘out there’ to share with everyone here, but at this point, why hide? Especially since it’s so relevant to this. So this happened maybe 2-3 weeks ago while I was laying in bed one night. I have, as you all know, been really in search of ‘more’. I had stopped going to church and I didn’t want to just be wandering with no direction, so I really wanted a connection. Too feel like the decision I made was a solid one, or the right one to say the least. So I’m laying in bed a few weeks ago and relaxing (however relaxed I can get lol) while really thinking about the meaning of life and desiring more. Everything more. And then it flooded over me.

It was like waves rushing over from the centre of my body floating out from my head to toward my left side, yet my right side was unaffected. It continued for about 5-10 minutes, this rippling effect, like it was peeling layers from my left side away again and again and it was so welcomed and refreshing and I knew in that moment that, yes there was something out there, and I had… I’m not sure… ‘connected’ somehow?<<<<<<<<
enlightenment if you want, you can me crazy or ridiculous or cracked, but it's made me realize that there is a whole 'force' or whatever and to me, it was a good experience.

So back to today, when my psychic was saying she saw feathers and light around me, something she'd never seen. She told me she felt that I was connected and enlightened and I appreciated that. It somewhat confirmed my moment a few weeks back. Don't worry though, I'm not going to go and become some enlightened yogi or something like that lol. It just solidified what I had felt in my own moment of discovery, kind of like yeah C, you've reached a place many don't, keep at it.

So as far as what she saw in my chakra, that was about it. She said everything else is very balanced, and firm. She said I'm a strong independent individual and there was nothing standing out that seemed to draw her attention. Her words were that I was strong and firm yet light and airy. Very joyful, yet firmly rooted.

I'm very aware of myself and so if there were issues within, I would've dealt with them myself previously.  I'm very witty and pardon my humble brag but I'm hilarious.

And as far as the disappointment she felt, well yeah. I'm well aware of the disappointment. And I know exactly what it's stemming from.<<<<<<<<
e chakra done, I asked her to do the palm reading. I felt she had been pretty accurate so far so why not try to see a little of what's to come?

<<<<<<<<
as interesting. And kinda exciting and disappointing at the same time lol. Like I said I've never been to a psychic before, and I've definitely never had my palm read (I'm so vanilla) but she got right on it. Apparently, my hands say A LOT!<<<<<<<<
, on my lifeline, the one near my thumb with all the crossed lines at the top… well all those intersecting lines represent difficulties in my life. She was shocked to see so many but reassured me that they lessen out and then asked me my birth date. She then pulled out a notebook and did some number crunching which made no sense to me (probably for the best) and came up with 'my numbers' which are apparently 3+6+9. So with that she sees my lifeline steady out around 30 (I'll be 30 in October) and predicted that most of my "struggles" or major difficulties will have passed by then. At the bottom of my life line it branches out a few times (3) though which she suggests could represent a few significant 'moves or relocations'. I told her I've already moved once to Africa, then back, and she said with living here plus there, she sees one more significant move or relocation in my life, but not for a couple of years.

Moving on, (toward the left on my picture) she said my line representing success in business and finances was very prominent and had a few 'bumps/triangles coming off of it which meant basically according to her that I will be quite successful in that regards with the triangles representing large increases like work bonuses, raises etc. That's always good.

Now. The line horizontal to my fingers… with the zillion little x's intersecting it? Yep. That's my love line lol. She said she's getting a block on the line right now. I was like you and me both sister. Then, the thing that bothered me most about the whole visit was what she said next.<<<<<<<<
he sees 3 major relationships on this line. (Tiny ovals near the outer edge mixed with the x's). Then she said this doesn't include like 1-2 dates with a guy, but real relationships (what, does this chick read my blog lol). So what now? I consider obviously W, and then E 'real relationships'… so I guess since W is dead, and NO WAY I'm getting back with E,  Does K count? Or because we've never been official than I have one chance left?

So then we moved on to the very left side where she was impressed to see many travel lines (along the left outer edge) She said she's had some people with none or just a few, but I have more than normal. I figured that makes sense since I've done lots of traveling, and have a desire to do much more.

So when she did a recap, she said she sees a major move, but not for a couple of years (2-3) I'll be quite successful business wise, and with that financially too. She said this was most likely because I am a very independent person, with a strong creative streak and also a deep line showing intelligence. Also she threw in there that I have a knack for writing (hay thanks 🤗) and it might help with my success. She thinks 30 will be a better year for me, and then mentioned that between the ages of 23 and 26 looks like it was especially difficult. I was 26 when I made the decision to leave E so yeah you could say those years of 'marriage' were difficult. And she said that my lifeline looks pretty clear from now on with most of the struggles in the past now. The love line is the one that is quite complex. Girl preach. She closed by saying there is a hold on it for now (the love line) but in about 1.5-2 years it will steady out and to be patient. Then she reiterated the 'major move' in 2-3 years, and that was that.

My thoughts? To be honest I went in mostly sceptical, but also willing to be open, I mean I went, right? But as she started talking even before the palm reading I felt she had a good sense of what she was doing. She wasn't WAY off the mark on anything. Again that's the reason I decided to continue the palm reading.ll I live my life based on what she told me? Nope. Will I make my life decisions during the next few months with what she said in the back of my mind? I'd like to say no, but the words have been said and they will always be lingering in my subconscious.r now, I'm just trying not to put faces in any of the situations she mentioned and just let whatever happens, happen.t I will say that I don't regret it. It was for sure interesting and I didn't feel creeped out by her or that she was a total fraud at any point. Although for now, I heard what I heard, and don't feel I need to go rushing back for my next 'session'. Now or ever.


-Vanessa Hudgens/Psychic-

A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I'm literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can't pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I've heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I'm feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I've been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could've called he would've and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I'm very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… 'no strings attached' and how he said he wasn't going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn't called anyone! I'm actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don't give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he's ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn't give out that information.

So I'm literally no better than I was before.

I spent an entire two days trying to 'move on' even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM's me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn't promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you're potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he'd 'behave' of course. 😐.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner 😜.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don't mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would've been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn't MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It's definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights already?
Why can't I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there's J who I haven't even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I've made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I've got going on.

-Usher/Yeah-