So You’re Still Thinking Of Me/We Have So Much In Common We Argue All The Time

This is quite possibly shaping up to be on par with the shitty-est week ever.

First (actually I don’t even remember what happened first anymore, but) Z got the chicken pox. So that threw a wrench in my week like nobody’s business. She obviously couldn’t be at daycare, plus I had to pull little E from school and daycare just in case he was carrying the virus as well, since they didn’t want him also potentially infecting a bunch of kids. So that started on Monday with a phone call from the daycare followed up with a visit to the Doctor to confirm and then a stop at the pharmacy to stock up on calamine lotion and children’s Advil. As the week has progressed, her symptoms haven’t been that bad and she’s actually almost over it, so I’m lucky it was a very mild case since she only ended up with maybe two dozen spots and no major fever. Also, little E never ended up with a break out so that’s a blessing… maybe. I kinda was hoping they would get it at the same time so I don’t need to miss another week of work if he gets it at a different time but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyways now that we got the all clear from the doctor, I decided to take the kids swimming today. Just to get out of the house and get my mind off everything else that’s been going on. I packed up the kids and since my weight loss I told them I’d have to make a quick stop at Walmart to grab a new swimsuit since I was fairly certain my old one wouldn’t fit. Either way I threw my old one in the swim bag and off we went. Walmart had two mismatched bottoms without tops left in their clearance section and that was it. So I figured I’d try my old bathing suit one last time since I’d already told the kids I’d take them to the pool and I didn’t want to let them down. We get to the pool, paid, and then I got both the kids ready and got my suit mostly on, when I realize one side of my halter strap is broken. And there was no way I could wear the suit without the strap since it’s about 2-3 sizes to big now and would end up around my waist without any support. So I had to explain to the kids that I tried my best, but all we could do now was play at the indoor playground.

Oh my goodness. I have raised such kind, understanding children. Little E was just like “it’s ok mom, you tried your best” and Z was like “we understand.” So we changed back into our street clothes and the kids are now running around a ridiculously busy playground.

While I write.

Which I need.

Because so many others things are fucked up.

I got an email from my lawyer yesterday? Two days ago? I don’t even remember now. But here it is.

Yeah. After E told me he signed all final documents with his lawyer, and I forwarded that email to my lawyer, he didn’t actually sign. I even had asked him a few days ago if he signed, and he lied outright and said yes, as well as confirmed on a phone call when he said he had done it.

So I’m trying to get ahold of E and he’s ignoring all my calls and messages.

I’m so beyond pissed at this excuse of a man. I just want to be done. I have just wanted to be done for years. So I replied to my lawyer with the exact screenshot as above and pretty much asked at what point do we stop allowing a severely mentally disabled person dictate how much longer this divorce will take. Like at what point can we file some contempt case or something. He’s obviously messing with the system and delaying the inevitable and it’s pissing everyone off.

Mine and his lawyer included now.

He’s just a never ending fountain of lies. And I was done with it long ago.

So in an effort to relax I tried going for a massage that K got me for my birthday while my mom was babysitting. The massage was actually very relaxing and enjoyable, so then I decided to add on a facial on a whim. I figured why not, I hardly ever have a babysitter let me live a little. So while the lady left me for 10 minutes to let a moisturizing mask do it’s thing, I wanted to check my phone to see if my kids had phoned, and to call and say good night to them.

WELL, lol. I sat up and leaned towards my feet where my purse was and that’s when the WHOLE TABLE FLIPPED OVER and I ended up on the floor 😂😂. The massage table was folded in two and I spent the better part of 5 minutes hoping no one heard (fat chance) while trying to fix the table. Let’s just say it brought back all the stress (and more) that was just released during the massage lol. And to top it all off, when I finally called my kids, I had just missed them going to bed so it was all for naught.

Then, as an added bonus, when I went to pay for it all, the gift card K had given me didn’t even work so it just made a frustrating day even more so. Needless to say, I just went home and went straight to bed.

And, because that’s not enough, K has not been answering my calls and I just really want a friend to talk to right now.

Like I get when E ghosts me like this, but for K to do it? And during the exact same timeframe as E is just fucken annoying.

So that’s life lately.

Also, a few of you commented on my last post, and the basic jest of the comments lead me to believe that I misled you. Yes crying helped that night. But no, my experiences have not stopped. They lessened for that night, and then returned in full force the next night and every night since.

-Khalid/Young Dumb & Broke-

Now You’re Out Here Looking Like Regret Ain’t Too Proud To Beg, Second Chance You’ll Never Get

So, I got an update from my lawyer. After constantly harassing him about updates in regards to the divorce (obviously, why else would I bother my lawyer) he finally told me last week that the only thing that E was yet to agree on was the Section 7 expenses. Basically the past money he owes me for the kids.  Details here – (B*tch Better Have My Money, Pay Me What You Owe Me

So I planned in my head to use this as a bargaining chip in my conversation with E. In my mind, I honestly thought I would have to convince him to ‘let’ me move with the kids. Just based on his previous reactions to, well to anything in life and how difficult he is with everything I guess I prematurely assumed this would also be a fight. So in my mind, I prepared a bargaining chip before I even called E to tell/ask him about the move. Old habits die hard.

My lawyer had advised me that if I had a verbal agreement between myself and E, then I could move the kids to Kelowna with no issues/court involvement, and that’s what I was aiming for. If E did have an issue with it however, it could move to me having to file some sort of order to move, which would lead to more delays and just aggravation in general.

So I decided that if he was going to make it difficult, I was honest to whatever God going to offer him all his section 7 expenses in return for the move. The thing is, I know money is more valuable to E than time with the children, so I was quite confident that that play on my part would work if necessary. Turns out though, that E surprised even me!

When I called, I started off the conversation asking why he was still delaying the Section 7 part. Because it was my understanding that we both just wanted to put this whole divorce behind us, I mean we’re in the fourth year for goodness sake. That’s when he shocked me by saying he had just emailed his lawyer that morning saying he agreed to everything, and to wrap it up.

I was shook (I never use that word, but I was beyond shocked and it seems fitting) First, there goes my ace card, not that it looked like I would need it, but secondly and more importantly, the end to this ridiculous farce of a marriage seemed in sight! But because E is E, and I can no longer believe a single word that passed through his lips, I asked him to forward me the email that he sent to his lawyer… just to make sure. I stalled on the phone while I waited for the email to come through, and then sure enough there it was. Plain as day. E agreeing to pay out all the thousands of dollars he owes me. In writing.

So that was good.

But now how do I explain Kelowna with no leverage?

So I just started in. I lead with the fact that my work was considering relocating (not a lie) and so I might have to move with the kids to BC, and how did he feel about it? I also explained that I would consider paying half of either his flights or bussing for when/if he came to visit the kids so he understood that I wasn’t trying to move to ‘take them from him’. But he was uncharacteristically very understanding. He said if it’s for work than it’s ok.

I didn’t believe him. Probably because I’ve learned my lesson with E, and I know I can’t take ANYTHING he says at face value. So I asked him repeatedly if he had any questions or concerns. He said no. So I tried again, wanting to know if he had ANY issues with me moving our children further away from him? He said no.

So I figured I should just take that answer and run with it, before anything changed… because with E there is always change.

I got off the phone and emailed my lawyer and let him know that I had a verbal agreement from E in regards to the move. I also forwarded E’s email to his lawyer, to my lawyer (make sense?), so y lawyer could move forward with finalizing everything. I feel like I say that a lot, but while dealing with E, there’s a lot of back and forth, so at least  now I had a “paper trail” so to speak.  I also confirmed with my boss that E would not be an issue with the move and we could continue with our plans.

So things were a go….

Until not more than 6 hours later I get this.

FullSizeRender
E’s message

I KNEW in that time (well I didn’t know but I STRONGLY felt) that E had probably contacted his lawyer and now was fishing for more information.  Now don’t get it twisted, I’ve told E where I work, multiple times, since his memory is terrible. But I didn’t want to tell him in this moment in case it wrecked things for me. So I tried calling him, and he ignored me calls, even though I could see he was online (SO FRUSTRATING).

Once I finally got a hold of him, and asked him why he wanted to know, his first response? “It has nothing to do with the case” So I knew immediately that it had everything to do with the “case” and therefore my suspicions were confirmed. I asked him what it mattered to him, and reminded him that I’d told him before, so it’s nothing I”m hiding. So on the phone I asked AGAIN, if he was ok with me, and therefore the kids moving. He once again said yes.

So I again said ok, and said my good byes, also that I would try to call with the kids on the weekend.

Now I’ve gotten my updated letter of settlement and my lawyer but a small “clause’ in there if you will about how despite everything previously agreed upon, E agrees to ‘let’ me move to Kelowna with the kids and I’ll give him access to the kids while there.

I’m hoping this settles things.

But if I’ve learned anything with E… expect the unexpected and never trust anything he says.


-Demi Lovato/Sorry Not Sorry-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavement Even If It Leads Nowhere

So I’m on the plane waiting to take off for home.

I guess from an outsiders point of view, you could say this was a successful trip. Mainly based on the fact that…

I BOUGHT A HOUSE. Well, almost. Let me explain.

So the original property that I loved already had an offer on it, but the real estate agent that’s been helping everyone in the office found a new one that was just put on the market a few days ago, so we went to check it out.

First off, the neighbourhood was great. Way better than the first place I liked. It’s a townhouse (obviously) and when you drive into the complex there’s a park in a great little green area which would be excellent for little E and Z to play at after school while I’m making dinner or on weekends etc. And even while we were checking the place out, there were a few kids playing there, which was nice to see, knowing that there are other kids in the area. Then, the unit I’m purchasing (or attempting to) is located at the far end of the U-shaped complex, which means that the only traffic driving in front of my place would be myself and my would be neighbour, whose house is the very last one in the complex. So that’s always good for peace of mind, knowing if the kids are out riding bikes or playing out front, traffic is next to none. There’s a car port, which for Kelowna is good enough because with the weather you don’t require anything more than that, since you don’t have to worry about tons of snow in the winter, but even that is better than my current situation which is currently just a stall out back. There’s also 4-5 available parking spots right out front for visitors. Not that I have any friends in Kelowna right now that I would be expecting any time soon, but eventually.

The inside of the house didn’t have the wow factor like the original house did, but it has lots of great character like exposed wood beams and new bamboo flooring. I think it was just mainly paint colour and a few light fixtures that were off-putting. But as I started to look around I realized that the layout was pretty good and it has a really decent feel to it.

My boss A, has offered to come out and spend a couple of days painting after I pick out colours as well as update any light fixtures I want just to brighten the place up, before we move in. Other than that I had no issues with the place.

It fit all my requirements, like 3 bedroom/2 bath/various levels/safe area/close to schools and shopping and TONS of storage. Literally, I have no idea what I would even put in all those nooks and crannies lol.

But after the viewing we met up for lunch with everyone from the office and basically my boss and his dad (co-owners) decided they would by it, as the company, since these properties come up few and far between. If this whole Kelowna thing ends up falling through, they are confident they can resell it no problem. But right now, we have put in an offer to the owners and the company is taking care of down payment and basically everything else associated with it for now.

Then once I sell my house, I’ll be able to get my personal financing, and buy it from the company. It also means I’ll have an address to register my kids for school with, once that process starts in February.

Here I thought this trip was going to be a ‘research’ trip. Check out the sights. View the hotspots. Get to know the town etc. And I did. I visited multiple beaches. I went to my first (and second and third) winery and did multiple wine tastings. I had more lattes than I could keep track of, at more little independent coffee shops than I remember. I checked out the YMCA’s and other sports centres, and got pricing for memberships. I got info on the latest and greatest fruit & veggie stands. I saw different schools in various catchments. I learned where the druggies hang at night and where the ‘poor girls who can’t afford many clothes’ chill.

But I honestly didn’t think I’d be flying home with a property waiting for me to come back to.

Kelowna is beautiful. Relaxing and even though it was a stressful jam-packed trip, it was enjoyable. The entire city gave off an easy-going vibe.

But what it didn’t give off though, was a multi-cultural feel.

I saw 1 African American the entire trip. And that gave me pause. Will that cause issues for my kids? Will they be more likely to be targets of bullying because they stand out from others? Is this move going to be detrimental to them because of potential ignorance playing a higher role?

The very last thing that I want is for this move to cause problems for them, because I hadn’t thought that aspect through. On one hand, I feel like my kids will have to learn to love themselves no matter what other think/say, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a different colour skin tone, and so they need to know and truly believe that. But on the other hand, do I want to potentially make that issue a little more difficult than necessary for them to deal with? All because I want a little more relaxed lifestyle?


-Adele/Chasing Pavement-

What A Revelation It Was To Her, When She Realized That She Didn’t Need To Settle

So this Kelowna thing.

It’s affecting me deeper than I expected. My boss is trying so hard to find a way to make it work for everyone, but right now, the focus is on myself, mainly because of the financial aspect. Sure soon I’ll have to deal with the whole E/visitation part but that’s an entirely different ball game.

As it is right now, I am the sole owner of my house. No co-signer. No renting. I own it. Which on its own is something to be proud of considering a few years ago I was flying back from Kenya with a negative bank balance and embarking on a journey to becoming a single parent. So looking at it in that light, I’ve come a long way.

Just apparently not far enough.

I love my house, and I’m proud of it. It suits my family’s needs perfectly and I couldn’t have found something better if I had looked for years! One of the best aspects of my place? Is the fact that it’s not a mobile home.

I realize that I’ll probably sound arrogant and uppity during this post, but why should this post differ from any other in me just saying what I’m thinking?

I’ve worked HARD to get myself and my kids to where we are now, and although we don’t live in a million dollar house, we don’t live in a trailer park, and never have. Which is something I can say that, yes, I am proud of when I truly think of it. Which is why this Kelowna thing is messing with me.

It is DAMN expensive there. At least comparatively to where I am now. To purchase accommodations similar to what I have now, would run me $400,000-$475,000 deep. And let’s be honest, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around. The money I do have? Enough for a mobile home in that area.

My boss is trying to make this move feasible for all of us in the office like I said. So he’s throwing out options like helping with the down payment or the company buying the place I choose, and then us arranging a lease to own type thing. But even with those options, there is a price cap, which would only put me in the “upper end” mobile homes (if that’s even a thing), or a really crappy/shady neighbourhood.

K, I totally appreciate the offer. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything. But this has gotten me so emotional.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard to get my family and myself where we are, that to me, moving until a mobile home would be a step back. I completely understand it’s probably because of the whole stigma with a trailer park etc, but why should I accept anything but the best for us? I’m not being forced into this move. I shouldn’t have to go unless I feel anything less than 100% about it right?

Sure. Except, my boss has made it clear that if I don’t go, the company doesn’t relocate.He doesn’t want to mess up the operations of the company and how smoothly it’s running now. So, no me? No move.  Which means that the house my boss and his wife have already contacted a Real Estate agent about? And are ready to put in an offer for? Gone. And I mean he is ready! I’ve been hearing him on the phone with his bank talking mortgages and down payments etc. It also means all the research my co-workers been doing on which new schools are best, day care costs, getting her husband on board even though HE doesn’t have a guaranteed job there once they move, will be for nothing.

All because I don’t want to live in a trailer park.

It’s not just the whole stigma of a trailer park though. It’s the whole mobile home. I like having an entirely empty floor between myself and the kids sometimes while they play in the basement and I’m ALL THE WAY upstairs in my room, as opposed to LITERALLY 2 feet away. I like that thick sound proof walls I have, and the nicely insulated walls, for both summer and winter. I like the full-sized hallways and space just for the sake of space. I like my foundation.

I also like the fact that I paid for it on my own. It’s been embarrassing at work to be the only person in this situation. Discussing finances with your boss is not the most comfortable thing. And it feels SUPER uncomfortable to just be expected to accept an offer for a house upgrade basically? It’s just yet another situation there’s no manual or How To book for. How many people, if asked the question has your company ever offered to buy you a house? Could genuinely say yes?

So maybe that’s why I’m so conflicted. Maybe this is way to good to be true. Maybe beggars can’t be choosers. Maybe Kharma does exist.


-Amy Rubin-

Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yep, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash upfront or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.


-Kesha/Praying-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

Figures, I Gave You Ride Or Die And You Gave Me Games/Love Figures I Gave You All And You Gave Me Shit

I've never felt so outright disrespected probably ever, at least that I can remember. W? He was killed. E? Never knew what he was doing. But this? This is K actively being… well just awful.

So the mess with K? Well I've been working behind the scene trying to get word to him. Making sure he knew that he needed to add people to his contact list and all that jazz.

Just a refresher though…
K asked me originally to track down his final check from work and send him the money. So I'm thinking he's expecting something from me in the mail to be delivered to the prison, and therefore will want my name added to his list of approved contacts. Sounds logical right?

Well not only was the money order I sent returned to me, but when I tried to get word to K about the approved contact list, because in my mind I'm thinking he must not know about it if he hasn't already added my name… he called yesterday to basically piss all over me.

Saying no, don't bother with the money, keep it for him (yeah right) he's known my address the whole time…and he'll call me when he gets out.

Fuck no!

Who does he think he is? Making that choice for me, about when our relationship/friendship/fucked up life goes on hold? On the call yesterday he revealed that he'd been calling everyone EXCEPT me. And all this time, I'm writing him, and trying to do what I can to support him, and now he's throwing it in my face. I don't even know how, but somehow it's my fault for trying to be there for him.

He told me months ago how his ex twisted things for him the first time he went in, messed shit up on the outside and played with some shit that screwed him over, and I was trying instead to do the exact opposite of that. But apparently he's been calling the ex (and everyone else) and she's been twisting my words and making me look like scum and he's just eating it up, without a second thought.

I'm like wow. You just believe everything she said point blank. You haven't even called me. You asked me to do these few things for you and when I try and follow them through, you shit all over me.
Then you say you'll call me when your out, like that should be some gift to me.

No thanks.

A few people have said things along the lines of guys don't like to mix the life inside with out here and try to just do their time, then move on when they get out. People who don't even know K and I and all that's happened. And if that was the case, I MIGHT have been more understanding. But nope. He seems perfectly comfortable mixing the two worlds when he calls his family or friends from back home or his ex, who already messed up prison for him once. So like what the fuck.

It's a damn privilege to have someone like me in your life and you K… just fucked yourself over.

-Jessie Reyez/Figures-

Figures
I gave you ride or die and you gave me games
Love figures
I know I'm crying 'cause you just won't change
Love figures
I gave it all and you gave me shit
Love figures
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures
I'm the bad guy 'cause I can't learn to trust
Love figures
You say sorry once and you think it's enough
I got a lineup of girls and a lineup of guys
Begging for me just to give 'em a try
Figures
I'm willing to stay
'Cause I'm sick for your love
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures

I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

Happy Birthday To You Happy Birthday Dear Little E, Happy Birthday To You.

Today is little E’s 7th birthday. And I have so many things I’ve been wanting to post about, but decided to write about the day he was born. Because that’s a story of its own!

My pregnancy with little E went great. Absolutely no morning sickness, none of the uncomfortable sleeping at night, just a tiny bit of heartburn near the end which I’m pretty sure can be attributed to all the hair he was born with. I’m very lucky to have had such a good pregnancy because E was no support. Throughout the 9 months, he would often suggest that the baby was in fact not his, and that the night of my failed housewarming ( https://shewassetfree.wordpress.com/2017/04/12/house-warming-it-was-cold-as-fuck/) I had slept with S, and therefore who knows how many other men. As you can imagine this was difficult to deal with while pregnant, and I didn’t feel very supported, so it was nice to at least feel like the baby was working with me.

The only thing that really changed for me was that I craved steak like nobody’s business. I could eat steak for breakfast, lunch, dinner and still want more, until some blood work revealed that it was amazing I was still up and walking since my iron was SO depleted. Once I got on some iron supplements, the cravings slowed and then the only that bothered me was smell.

EVERYTHING stunk to me. Especially E. He would get home from work, I’d have to ask him to shower. He’d come home from rugby practice, where he just showered, and I’d make him do it again. Before we left anywhere, I’d ask him to reapply deodorant, or shower. I know he didn’t actually stink more than before, but to me? Oh god the smell was awful. At one point we went to my parents for supper and I actually apologized to my mom for how E smelled and she’s like ‘honey, he doesn’t smell, it’s your nose/hormones’ … didn’t matter to me, I still needed him to shower 3x a day if not more.

So, anyways as we neared, and then passed little E’s due date, I found myself doing all the preparations for the baby. E didn’t put together one baby item. He didn’t purchase one particle of clothing for our first child. He was barely interested in conversations about the name even. Except of course to throw in the lies about the middle name and confuse the shit outta everything. But as far as first names go, it was basically up to me, which I’m so grateful for! At least now I don’t have to say my kids names every day and have regrets about them. I picked them both out and love them throughly.

Since apparently my womb is so comfortable, little E stayed 10 days past his due date and I had an appointment to be induced. E decided he didn’t want to come with me, so I drove myself to the hospital. He basically said let him know how it goes and if anything happens, he would come later.

So I was on my own. 22 years old. About to give birth to my first child. And my husband chose work over supporting me.

I went through the process and stayed for about an hour when the nurse came to check me out and said there was no signs of labor so I could head home for now, but to come back if anything changes. So I headed home. I had some slight back pain but, since this was my first time, I kept waiting for ‘contractions’ and yet had no idea what they would feel like. My back pain kept getting worse and I had no way of relieving it, so I took a shower. E was home from work by the time I got out of the shower but I was in so much pain all I could do was sit on my towel on my bed. This ended up being probably the best thing for me, since while I was still on the towel, my water broke and I finally clued in that my back pain was actually contractions. #idiot
I told E we had to go now, and his response was that I had to wait since he needed to eat since he just got him from work and was hungry. So while E did whatever he did in the kitchen, I got myself dressed and hauled my hospital bag out to the car, all while in labor.
E finally moseyed his way to the car and we went to the hospital where I was admitted ASAP.

My mom met us at the hospital since at this point I knew E was going to be probably not too much help and to be honest I was scared and needed someone to be there as a support. Most women have their husbands for support, but well, I had E soooo, mom was like my plus one.

My mom came into the room and then E left! I was like what the? And he told us that he didn’t think he was going to stay in the room because where he’s from the men don’t stay, it’s more of a woman’s thing. I was like get your ass in this room right now! You got me into this! You are going to help me through it! I don’t care if you just stand there silently or even faint! You stay!
So he did, although he just stood there quietly, he stayed in the room.

Meanwhile, because everything was happening so quickly, my room was buzzing with people. My maid of honor at my wedding is actually a labour and delivery nurse and was working that night, which was the only thing keeping me sane. She tried to make sure I had the best Dr. and nurses and when the actual delivery came she was right there helping out too.

I didn’t have a big ‘delivery plan’. I knew I was all for the drugs though, I mean if I can do this pain-free, then load me up. So they started with the laughing gas (which did nothing to help) while my MOH tracked down an anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist came and did his poke, but for some reason, the epidural didn’t work either, and this baby was coming NOW.

I remember the Dr doing that dumb counting thing, like for your breathing, and everyone’s saying oh you’re doing great, good job, keep going, and I just snapped. I actually yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at everyone. In my mind I just wanted quite so I could focus on my own in peace, plus their words were doing nothing to help so I just wanted silence. After I yelled though I felt bad so I kept apologizing, and trying to explain how I just needed quite, and everyone’s like no it’s ok, you can yell all you want.

So, the pushing is going on and there’s so much happening in my room with me and E and my mom and about 6-8 staff (I don’t even know for sure) because something is going wrong…. as I’m pushing, the baby gets stuck. So my MOH gets a stool and stands on it, holds her arms out like she’s about to perform CPR and then literally JUMPS and pushes onto my belly and helps push little E out. Who let me tell you, WAS NOT LITTLE!

Little E was 9lbs 7ozs and a short little sucker. He looked like a sumo wrestler no lie. A cute sumo wrestler. The Dr who delivered him felt the need to comment saying ‘Oh if I had known he was this big, I would’ve done a C-section’. Oh thank you for that. Thanks for saying that NOW! When there’s no going back. Thanks for talking about the huge new life I just pushed through my vagina while you use a dozen stitches to close me up. Yeah, thanks. Real professional.

But, aside from having my genitalia ripped open, the drugs not working, and E not being interested at all in being there…

It was the most beautiful day of my life. No I didn’t cry. But I was very broken at the time. I did cherish it though. I remember little E had no problem starting to nurse and the feeling of having a new life, a human, so small yet fully functioning, look into your eyes while feeding off of the life you bring it? Priceless.

I stayed up all night just watching him. Making sure he was ok. Changing diapers that didn’t need to be changed, but just to do it.. Waking up E so he could bring me the baby. Holding him. Touching him. Stroking his hair. Looking into his eyes. Singing to him. Just loving him. And I would do it all again.
Everything I’ve been through with E, I would do again just to have the amazing experience of little E’s life it has brought me.

7 years ago today.


-Patty Hill&Mildred Hill/Happy Birthday-