Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and relaxing before going to sleep and calming my breathing and thought patterns as has become my habit lately. Also something that has become part of my life is thinking of K too much. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I pushed thought of him as far I could. Sometimes thoughts of him would come, but it’s wasn’t so much thoughts of him so much as thoughts from him. And sometimes I figured what’s the harm of enjoying what little of him I had in my life? And I would allow the thoughts from him to hold me while I slept at night or tell me he loved me… things like that. But a few weeks ago, as I was relaxing, and getting rid of my thoughts from the day and releasing unwanted emotions and energy etc, all of a sudden I was just a thought. I wasn’t even in my room or on my bed. Me, in my whole entirety as C, was represented as only a thought. I had no weight of the world holding me down. No previous emotions or situations keeping me here. I was just so in that moment that I was singularly that thought of Me. And I was with the singular thought that represents K. And we talked.

And then to reform my world was a slow scary step by step process. What should I do first? How should I move to ‘rebecome’ C? The room and remembrance of where I was on my bed in Kelowna took place first. And then from there the whole world as it was just sort of fell into place in my memory as I reached slowly for a drink or water. The whole time thinking is this the right move to make? Or should I be recreating this scene differently? Am I fucking up all of my future? Or is this predestined already? Anyways. I laid back on my bed and went to sleep almost immediately, and dreamt of K which at this point is normal.

What was not normal? K called me the next day. After all this time.

Up until now, I could basically play it off like this was all in my head and I’m just a girl who was way to in love with a guy. But when he called the next day and said he was thinking of me the night before… a lot. And that he’d been thinking of me a lot all the time? It was both a relief and a stress.

Now this is real real. Like now I can’t just play it off like this is only in my head. Now he’s obviously connected to me too. I explained what happened to me (kinda, I mean how do you explain this) expecting him to have experienced the same, but was disappointed when he said no, he just heard my name said over and over so loud and clear in his head. I asked him who’s voice it sounded like and he said his own. So either he’s downplayed what happened to him, or he’s not experiencing things as deeply as I am, in which case lucky him because this shit is scary. When the whole universe dissolves enough to bring your being close enough to someone else’s so they hear your name, but then the reality is recreated like no biggie? How else do you describe it other than terrifying?

And how do I move on from here? It’s not like there’s a textbook full of studies on the subject. When you’ve discovered something this mind blowing and new, it’s…. well mind blowing and new. So I’m at a loss.

A loss so big it’s leaving me feeling very alone and helpless. Because I literally feel like there is no one to turn to for support, as this is not something that’s been dealt with before and the person I’m supposedly going through it with, is not even as deep as I am.

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

We’re All Broken Pieces Floating By / These Aren’t My People These Aren’t My Friends

I had a packed house last night.

I invited my co-workers over for drinks/games night, and J brought her two kids. I also decided to invite another couple I met through Little E and his classmates and they brought their two kids as well.

So with 7 adults and 6 kids running around my small place it was… loud. Especially after the drinks started flowing. But I think nights like these is what everyone needs, just a chance to get out and let loose. Meet new people and drink and still have somewhere to bring your kids while not feeling like your the only one doing so. It was good all around.

Everyone stayed until wellllll past our bedtimes and so it helped that we turned the clocks back an hour last, although not like I got any extra sleep…..

You know what. I’ve decided this is probably the start to the most lame post I’ve ever written. Here I was chilling at home on a Saturday, baking a cake for company… literally excited for “games night” then spending Sunday hung-over playing board games with my kids… Thinking it’s “post worthy”

Like honestly what has my life become. That this is what I look forward to. This is all I have to be happy and excited about. Providing entertainment for others so we don’t all fall into some sort of depression.

To be completely honest, I’m done with life. I would be 100% fine with not living anymore. So instead of getting all hot and heavy and talking about real shit with you guys because I think no one would understand, I write lame posts about games night… like anyone gives two shits about that. Not even I care, that’s how boring it is. Sure parts were fun in the moment…. but when you really get down to it, why are you living life? Like what is your passion? Do you have a passion or “destiny’?

Like for me, the only thing keeping me around anymore is the fact that I brought two lives into this world so I should do the decent thing and raise them until they are capable of taking care of themselves. Other than that, I’ve been doing some “soul searching” as one might say, and I can’t find anything that drives me anymore. Maybe in a past life I fulfilled my final desires, so now here I am, finishing up ‘life’. Doing one final lap. Tying up loose ends if you will. Because I have nothing left in me. After this run, I’m done. And the thought of death, doesn’t turn me off of that. Sure the pain associated with dying is a discouraging thought, but after that, being dead itself? I think I’m ready for. In fact a small part of me even longs for it. To just be done. Over. All of it over. The pain, the search for joy and love, the let downs, the guilt, the why me/why not me? Just everything. No more creating or struggling. No ups or downs. Nothing.

Just nothing.

I’m ready to find my rest and totality in nothing.

But until it comes naturally, I’ll probably have to suffer through a few more games nights.


-Lovelytheband/Broken-

I Am Driven By Hunger, So Saddened To Be Thieving In Darkness; I Know You’re Not Pleased But Nothing Worth Eating Is Free

I hate BC.

I sent my kids to play outside today, because the weather was nice, yes. But thirty seconds later Z came inside to say there was a dead rat in the yard.

Oh HELLLLLL NOOOOOO!

I was like are you sure? You didn’t touch it, did you? Don’t touch it! What did you say it was? Are you sure? So she repeats herself, saying quite clearly, that there was a dead rat in the yard. So I’m hoping with everything inside me that she’s mistaking a pile of leaves or something for a dead animal, but I know my mind won’t be set at ease until I go out to take a look. So I very slowly, carefully and full of hesitation head outside to investigate these absurd allegations.

Well unfortunately, they turned out to be very true. No false media here. A very dead rat with a very ugly long tail with very real wasps buzzing around it. So now I find myself Googling if rat’s eat their dead. Mainly because I don’t want to have to clean it up, or deal with it in any way, so I’m hoping nature will just do it’s thing and a bird will come eat it or something. But I’m concerned if I don’t deal with it, then it might attract other rats… Not ideal in any fashion.

So after a little bit of research, basically I’m left with conflicting information as well as the hilarious irony that I’m schooling you guys on rats lol. So for the most part after my quick search, I’ve learned that if the rat is already dead, it’s family members might eat it in order to clean up the body and prevent other predators from being attracted to the area. So basically it’s done for their own survival. What I’m unclear on though, is how far they will go to protect themselves. Will they search out the body, Ratatouille style, until they know what happened to it? Like should I leave it alone out in the yard, where I’ve left it for now, let them do their thing, so as to not begin a mass rat hunt that may lead them into my house in search of their missing link? Or should I clean it up (vomit in my mouth) to avoid potentially drawing more rats to the area anyways?

I honestly see this as a lose/lose situation, because everyone knows where there’s one there’s more. I’m just trying to proceed as best as possible to ensure that the “more” don’t end up in my house.

So any advice is more than welcome!

And no. Putting my house up for sale is not an option. Unfortunately.


-Camille/Le Festin (Ratatuille Theme song)

The Power Of Equality Is Not Yet What It Ought To Be / What I See Is Insanity Whatever Happened To Humanity

#HumboldtStrong

A hashtag that has unfortunately cropped up over the past week here in Canada and a few places around the world. For those of you in the dark, it’s a symbol of an accident that happened between a semi truck and a bus carrying a junior hockey team on their way to a game. The result of the crash so far has been 16 deaths, multiple injuries and a huge outpouring of support, both across our nation and worldwide.

As of yesterday, the Go Fund Me page, who’s initial goal was to pay for maybe coffee and parking for the families visiting the hospital, surpassed $11.5 million dollars, making it one of the top 5 Go Fund Me pages ever.

Now I’m very divided on this. (Of course I would have an opinion on it lol). Am I super proud of people rallying around these families in support of their lost loved ones? Obviously! It’s never easy to lose someone unexpectedly. Which brings me to my inner struggle.

Why has this particular accident garnered so much attention? Is it because of the ages of the “victims” *reminder this was not a malicious attack, but a car accident…accident.*  Or is it because of the sheer number of lives lost at once? Or is it because they were so seemingly innocent on their way to a sporting event? Was it because so many of us could relate to that experience, driving a child to a game or competition? Was it because NHL teams started donating and showing support, so hey, if they are doing it, it must be big/important?

But lets be honest, is $11.5 MILLION really necessary? I understand medical procedures are expensive, but why? Why can’t doctors “fees” become less expensive? Or hospital stays become cheaper? Why does it cost thousands of dollars to run a scan… any scan? Even more to the point, why are funerals so damn expensive? For real? Not to be crass here, but you are literally either digging a hole in the ground, or burning an empty carcass (I know that’ll offend a bunch of you, but those are just facts). So, I’m honestly wondering why medical bills can be racked up so quickly? Or maybe it’s just because when you’re THAT sick and it’s an emergency situation, hospitals know you’re in no position to go shopping around for the best deal, and can quite literally charge you anything after the fact. Leaving you alive, but slapping you with a huge bill.

On the other end of the spectrum though, is why did so many people turn to support this cause in such a tremendous way, when accidents, or even unfortunately purposeful killings/murders happen all the time? Are those families less deserving of support? Do those loved ones somehow struggle less because their kids didn’t die along side their peers on the way to a game representing our national sport? Are the medical bills somehow reduced or procedures preformed pro bono? Are funerals for those individuals who die in car accidents preformed at a reduced price?

Nope. Not a chance. Death has become a profitable industry.

Everyday people die. Some peacefully in their sleep, and some in more horrific ways then we could ever dare to imagine, and their families are left to deal with that tragedy alone.

Most compelling though, was an article I read today about a small town mayor here in Canada that I had to in some way both admire, and for some reason it kinda pissed me off. He refused to lower the town flag in honor of the individuals who passed away in the Humboldt accident. When questioned about it, he stated basically that the flag was not lowered for the 30 people who died in a mosque shooting nor for the 7 individual who where killed in the gay nightclub killing, and no one questioned that. So why should it be lowered now? What made these deaths more deserving? But then he went on to say that we needed a legislation to state when and for whom the flag should be at half mast for, thus the part that pissed me off.

But he made the point I’ve been trying to say all along. Why should we care more about these boys (and female Physical Trainer) that died, than any other person who is killed in our country? I doubt that was his point, he just wanted to have a set of rules to follow straight across the board, but it’s my point.

Why should more respect, care, help, support etc. be shown to these families, than people in similar situations.

Just because the pain may not be on such a grand scale to the person looking at a fatal accident involving only, say one death in comparison to Humboldt,  doesn’t mean that an entire family hasn’t lost a brother, or father, or uncle etc. To them, the pain is just as devastating. In fact, in the case of an “everyday death’ it may be even more so, because on top of their loss, they are now struggling with how to pay for ridiculously expensive medical/funeral costs on top of everything.

It seems messed up to me.


-Red Hot Chili Peppers/Power Of Equality-