Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ain’t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

Eventually If It Was Meant To Be, Then It Would Be ‘Cause We Related, Physically And Mentally / Boy, I Tell You, I Miss Her

Today I had another honest conversation with my kids. I asked them how they would feel if they never had a ‘dad’. Like if we just always remained a family of three. How pretty much they’ve always known it.

I told them I’ve come to the realization that for myself, men cause me a distraction, (because it’s something I so deeply want) and then disappointment or hurt when left unfulfilled and that I’m learning to teach myself I can be ok and even whole on my own. Yes, it’s been a painful journey, one I’m hoping not to stumble on over and over again, but to teach my kids that they don’t need to find satisfaction and fulfillment within another individual.

But, on the other hand, I want to make sure my kids would not feel like they are missing out by having that experience of a dad in their life. I told them (especially Little E) if there were situations they were going through that I didn’t have the answers to from my life experience (or google) we could ask my dad or I have two brothers-in-law that would be great for advice of that type.

Little E was honestly completely fine with it. He said I do a good job (aww) as a mom and he was not bothered by my question or suggestion that I would just remain single from here on out. Z wasn’t really sure, although she’s not quite 6 so I don’t think she understood the whole situation. I reassured her that I’ve been taking care of her and her brother on my own since she was 6 months old so nothings changing other than the fact we’re talking about it. All I’m suggesting is that we would stay that way, as a family of three, and I focus on them. Would that be good for them? Or make them feel really uncomfortable at Fathers Day when the daycare does a party for dads or at the father daughter dance at dance class etc. Little E was still completely A OK about it and once Z understood that I was just checking that she was ok that that things stayed the same, she was fine. Little E made a comment on how it would be more weird and how things would have to change if they DID get a dad since they’ve never really had one, and I agreed with him.

I explained that he can rest easy that I won’t ever bring anyone into their lives who would cause hurt or that would turn around and walk away. (FYI, My kids have never even seen any of the guys I’ve been with let alone meet them and get attached, apart from K and that was after a long time… I won’t do that again) That pain is just unnecessary, and so I’ll do my best to protect them from it at all costs. And this will cost me a lot.

Which is why I’m good with just being me.

Just C. Raising her two kids. I’ve done well on my own the last 5 years. I don’t see why I can’t repeat that another 3 times.

-Common/I Used To Love H.E.R.-

I Like Big Butts And I Can Not Lie You Other Brothers Can’t Deny That When A Girl Walks In With An Itty Bitty Waist And A Round Thing In Your Face You Get Sprung

So Little E had a friend over on Sunday and I heard him asking Alexa to play “I like Big Butts.” Now in my house, for the most part, I’m pretty open with my kids, and that includes music. I’d rather keep an open dialogue then have to deal with little secrets now that can turn into big things later. So they can basically listen to whatever music, unless the profanity is extreme. My kids aren’t allowed to swear because I’ve taught them a vast vocabulary and try to teach them a few things about swearing. First, if you don’t understand the meaning behind the word you shouldn’t be using it, and secondly it’s better to try to communicate what you’re trying to get across with more than just one word. Yes sometimes the curse word is the best you can come up with, and maybe when you’re older, it will be more suitable with your vocabulary to use. But for now, lets work on expanding our knowledge and finding more precise words to explain our feelings.

Anyways, back to big butts lol. When I heard the song come off while Little E’s friend was over I asked him to change it. He was fine with that. Later after supper I explained that I didn’t know if his friends parents would appreciate him hearing that kind of language at our house and that to remember we are trying to be role models in our life for others.

Then he asked what was so bad about the song. So I explained that the song talks about how men like big butts and it’s not a lie, other men can’t deny (or lie) that when a beautiful woman walks in with a beautiful body, or a nice figure and large bum, it gives them a hard penis or erection.

To which he was like ‘Oh yeah that happened to me at Superstore”

Surprise Mom!

And so we dove into the sex talk. I told him having an erection is perfectly normal and it’s a guys body’s way of preparing his penis for sex, although just because you get an erection, does not mean you must have sex. It just means you are attracted to that individual and now the blood is rushing to your penis, making it protrude from your body so it can more easily enter the vagina.

I explained how you would first find someone who you enjoy spending time with and trust and feel safe and happy as well as comfortable with, as sex is a very intimate (close) thing. And just because your penis is capable of getting an erection, doesn’t mean your mentally able to deal with the other elements that sex entails. You would want to build a relationship with a person before moving forward and having sex with anyone who gives you an erection. But, I told him, if you start a relationship with someone and feel uncomfortable, it’s ok to stop the relationship and just remain friends. You don’t have to have a physical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with everyone. You will eventually choose one person that you feel the best and most special with. Then, once you’ve built that bond with the person you feel most happy with, and have dated for a while and felt safe and comfortable with, and they are happy with you, you might want to consider sex.

Now it’s important to know, sex is not just one thing. It’s not just when the penis goes into the vagina. It’s a whole situation. It’s intimacy. It’s kissing and hugging. It’s touching their bodies. It’s making each other feel good. Sex cannot be defined as something in one second, and can be different each time (yes I realize I went deep for a 8.5 year old, but I also told him this wouldn’t be our only talk on it, as it’s a fluid subject). Anyways, sex is about both people involved making each others bodies feel pleasure, and the most simple way of doing that is through the penis going in and out of the vagina , but the best way of doing it through listening and responding to what your partner wants, and responding to that. Kissing, touching, different positions (to which very awkward hand motions came out) etc. Sex is normally finished once both people have reached the most pleasure their bodies can. For men, it is when they ejaculate, which is when sperm comes out of their penis, creating the most pleasurable feeling throughout the body. I didn’t go into female orgasms at that time, because, well one step at a time lol.

Anyways, so far he was being an active participant in the conversation, which is why I went this far. When I talked about male ejaculation and sperm, we moved more into how babies are made, as he talked about how he knew what sperm was and how it was half of what joined with the egg to create the baby.

So I told him, the sperm go into the woman, and one of the sperm reaches the egg and they join together to multiply and grow and grow and grow inside the woman to create a baby. So that’s how sex can create a baby. Which I very skillfully and motherfully (not a word I know) linked back to why it was important to choose carefully who you have a relationship and then sex with, as that person could potentially be your parenting partner. Like you two could be a dad and mom together.

But then he was like “so every time you have sex you make a baby?” To which I wanted to be like YES so avoid it forever!!! lol. But I was honest and explained about condoms to protect from sicknesses you can get from sex. Then I touched a bit on a woman’s period. So if a woman didn’t have sex while her egg was ready, her period came and washed it away and prepared a new fresh one next month denoting the importance of timing.

Oh man, it was a big discussion. But Little E was involved and asking questions, understanding most of it. Of course you don’t fully understand something like sex and intimacy until you’ve experienced it for yourself, but to be more prepared will help the depth of his empiricism, at least those are my sentiments.

But in the end I told him I don’t want him judging a woman or potential partner solely on her body, as the song suggests. Yes, women have wonderful bodies and they can make you think of being with them in a sexual way, and they can give you an erection by just simply standing there and existing because we are beautifully made, but a woman is not just a body. We have thoughts and feelings and emotions and dreams and goals like men do. How would you feel if a girl only liked you because of your hair or nice smile, and not because your good at math or didn’t care that you liked hockey, or never wanted to discuss how your day was? You wouldn’t feel as comfortable and happy with her as you should. There is a girl out there who will make you smile every day and want to hear all about those things, not because she feels its part of her job, but because you genuinely interest her, and you make her happy, by just being you. That’s the kind of girl you should be dating and be in a relationship with to one day have sex. But remember, there is no rush, because you’re not ready to be a dad.

Since then there’s just been a few follow-up questions, like what does sexy mean, and can you only make a baby once, or every month? Both good questions, which I tried answering as simply as I could for him.

Because although he is only 8, since he understood and took it seriously, it was time. And I trust him. He made me proud. More proud than half the guys out prowling the night lately anyways.


-Old School Players / Baby Got Back-

Let’s Go Back Back To The Beginning / I’m Shedding Shedding Every Color Trying To Find A Pigment Of Truth

The other night I woke up from another one of my very real dreams I’ve been having the last few months/years and was hit with the stark realization that I have in fact been on a few lame dates.

I know I’ve complained the entire duration of my blog that I’ve never been on a nice real date, and in my mind the ones I’m about to describe still don’t really tick all the boxes of what a perfect date would be for me, but I woke up feeling like I should give these guys credit and at least appreciate the effort they put in. So here are my two stories.

The first guy I met online, obviously. This was before I met E or was married or anything. I was just a single 19 year old girl having fun. Anyway, he suggested we meet at very reputable wine bar that I’d never been to, but he knew quite well. This guy was fantastic. He helped me with my coat and pulled out my chair for me, while complimenting my appearance. He helped me in deciding which wines to try and ordered a nice appetizer for us to share. Like to be honest it was really sweet. The conversation never lagged and we shared a few jokes. It was good. After we finished up at the wine bar with him insisting on paying since he invited me out, he suggested we go for a stroll in the river valley and I just remember being so thankful that this man had ideas and could lead the date without “let’s go back to my place” being his only suggestion. This man had depth. I was impressed with his career choice, being that he worked for Red Cross and I was still reliving my glory days of the orphanage in Namibia. We were a great match. We spent about 4-5 hours together that night, all of which I enjoyed…and then I didn’t hear from him again. So I assumed it was over. In my mind I had messed it up at some point and he was obviously to good for me being that he was perfect, and that was that. My phone dropped in a toilet a week later and I lost my contacts and I couldn’t even text him first to see what happened. So zero contact UNTIL, I got a call one day after I was married to E and I can’t remember if I was pregnant or had just given birth to Little E, but I know I had a baby on my mind, so who should call like 2 years later but this dude. I guess he was sent out with the Red Cross soon after our date and had been in and out of the country since we met (according to our 1 minute phone call) He said sorry for not being in touch, he’d been thinking of me often, and could we possibly meet up?

Dude. I’m married now. With a kid. No! But even at that point I remember thinking I wish he had called sooner. I wished he had saved me from my poor decisions before I felt trapped in my marriage. But no. I was committed and I wouldn’t cheat. So I basically hung up on him and that was that. Another lost chance, to little to late guys.

Moving on to guy number two that my dream brought up. Oh man this one hurts to remember. It’s like my consciousness is working on reconciling everything it had previously shoved to my subconscious but now… well now I’m working on healing those thoughts. Anyways this one was painful, because I think if I hadn’t had this one phone call with this dude, I might have made many decisions with E differently. I don’t think I would have stayed with him from the get go. But we all know I did so….

The story goes like this. Well not the story, but the reality of my life unfortunately lol.

This guy again I met online. We went out a few times. We knew each other for maybe 3 weeks total until the fateful call? Nothing ever made official. But we went out dancing a couple times, he knew a lot of different clubs in town and every place we went he knew half the patrons in the place which was a little uncomfortable for me since we weren’t together and he was free to roam around and therefore so was I. But it left me in a club with a lot of guys hitting on me which I’m not a fan of, while he was basically off flirting. It was weird. But this was the guy who I sex with all over town. Parking lots, club doorways, public bathrooms, back of his car, front of his car, you name it.  Anyways, he did take me out to dinner once for Malaysian food which was delicious. They served amazing fried rice in a carved out pineapple and the most decadent satays, which I’d never had before but soon became my favorite. And he paid. So pretty much a date right? Anyways because we never made it official and I had issues, I was still looking for something better. And I think I wanted to make him jealous so that he would make it official (look I’m just being honest) So I was still browsing online. Plus it bothered my super low-confident self that he would still flirt with chicks at the bar when he went there with me. So that’s when I met E. I met up with E two maybe 3 times and then got the flu (not from him, just coincidence) and in my very selfish and conceited mind, I felt like maybe the guy/s that were warming my bed would want to warm my throat (not that way, get your mind outta the gutter) but maybe be kind and bring me soup or something. I just wanted someone to take care of me, that’s part of why I was “dating” in the first place. E was at work so he wasn’t available so I called the other guy.

I can’t for the life of me remember the exact wording of the conversation or how I tried to manipulate him, but I remember it backfired tremendously, so good for him. As you can imagine, he wasn’t impressed that I was involved with someone else (not sure how that came up), and I didn’t understand what the big deal was since he made it clear he could mess around so I figured what was good for the goose etc. Anyways I made the comment “you know what kind of girl I am” in response/defense to something he said, trying to indicate that had he made it official, I wouldn’t cheat. But we were just casual, so I held no allegiance to anyone at that point. And he responded with ” I obviously do. Your sneaking behind your mans back tryna to get the best of both worlds” or something darn similar. And it hit me. I’m not the kind of girl who deep down specifically tries to manipulate men. It’s not my mission when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to be a person who uses people. So I remember thinking I would be different with E. I wouldn’t turn into “one of those girls” And I determined to end my one night stands and make it work with the guy I had.

And we all know how that worked out…. Talk about wrong place wrong time, E turned into my 10 year prison sentence. All in an effort to “not be that girl” I tried like hell to make it work with him.  I’m hoping this is enough punishment to atone for all the guys who feel wronged/used by me in the past.

And although I was a girl who used men to satisfy my sexual desires on many occasions in the past, I can say this for myself. I never coerced any of them. I never forced sex or anything alone those lines on anyone. Men came to me willingly (who wouldn’t 😉 )  and I allowed it. We both walked away satisfied. Just because it hardly ever turned into something long term, doesn’t mean I was using or abusing men. We both mutually benefited and walked away with what we came into the night for. Sexual satisfaction.

So yes, I know what kind of girl I am. I’ve become a very self aware girl who tried to make up for the potential hurt feelings of past men, by trying to make it right with the wrong man, by linking myself to him even when I knew deep down it wasn’t right. And I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that I still very much enjoy sexual satisfaction, but not with random men anymore. I’ve learned that loving the wrong man will not heal the pain of loving the wrong ones. I’ve learned that I need to love myself most.

Which is a long road my subconsciousness will not let me get off of.

My journey to my healing has begun. And I’m good with it.


-Hilary Duff/ So Yesterday-

 

 

You Used To Call Me On My Cell Phone Late Night When You Need My Love Call Me On My Cell Phone

I know.

My posts have been less than juicy lately. The thing is, my life has been boring af.

My parents were in town like I said, and then I got sick and apart from work, I’ve barely left my house. I have like zero interest in guys because, well I just don’t wanna stir up all that shit again. And so my life is about as interesting as watching a baked potato bake.

I have been trying to make new friends as I mentioned though, and I had been chatting with this one guy recently. I swear to god my first line to him was basically “your not my type, but you seem like a decent guy, with his head on his shoulders, so if your looking for a friend, so am I.” Straight to the point, no leading him on, no flirting (not that I’m any good at that anyways) no playing games, just honest to goodness me trying to make friends. So we’d been texting for maybe 2 weeks and he’d gotten to the point of everyday texting me “good morning babe” or something like that. And I’m just like, do guys not get it? I would keep the conversation completely platonic and discuss work, his schooling, regular life… you know trying to build a friendship and if he moved into that kind of territory I would either ignore it respond with a completely non-emotional text.

Anyways, we were texting this weekend while I was sick and we got on the topic of how to meet new friends, and I asked him (who is also newer to the area, which is one of the reasons I reached out… because both were looking for new friends) apart from stupid dating apps, how do people actually MEET new people nowadays? And he kept replying that you get together face to face with them to see them. I’m like no, your not getting it. Even before that step, like before you have their number to text or call to arrange a face to face meeting, how do you meet new people? And so he’s like “wait”

So I’m like is that you answer? Wait? Wait for what? Life to just magically make new acquaintances appear in your vicinity? Or do you want me to wait for you to come up with a much better answer, because that was lame af.

So then about 30 minutes later he texts back and says ” wait for me, I’m on my way can I please have your address?”

What??? I’m sick! It’s Sunday night and I’m in my sweat pants with my nose running and your driving from a different city? But now saying no would be rude, since your probably halfway here at this point and it’s honestly really sweet that you would come at the drop of a hat. So I reminded him that I was sick and he reminded me that he was a General Practitioner and dealt with colds and flus all the time and it was no big deal.

So I texted him my address and decided to brush my teeth, since I couldn’t remember doing it yet that day and well… my breath was probably atrocious. Then I sat down to wait for us to “meet”

I couldn’t help but thinking while I was waiting how nice it made me feel that he would come like that. Yes, it was uninvited, but deep down, it made me feel… I don’t know, desired? Like he couldn’t keep away? Now I don’t like this guy sexually in anyway, but it made me think this is what I want. The guy for me to just KNOW that I need him to come. Without me having to ask.  I’m delusional, I’m well aware lol.

But then, low and behold, he showed up with a bottle of wine (the most delicious wine I’ve had since I’ve come tbh) and it was then that I knew he was exactly like the other guys. He obviously wanted to get in my pants.

I did my best to keep the conversation strictly friend centered and just have a glass of wine like grown adults should be able to do without fucking. But then he made the move from the armchair to beside me on the couch and I was like, whoomp there it is. Of course he causally put his arm around me and then not so slowly moved in for the kiss which I dodged and it ended up on my neck. So he continued kissing my neck and here I am, a couple of glasses of wine in, trying to figure out the best way to get him to leave without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings because he was actually such a nice guy.

So he keeps trying to kiss me and I keep managing to duck out of it meanwhile wondering why he isn’t getting the hint, and finally I just straight out told him it was time for him to leave. So he put his shoes on and then gave me a long ass hug and left, but not before exclaiming it felt so nice to hold a woman after 3 years.

You guys I ALMOST just broke down and let him fuck me because I felt so bad for him.  Three years? And he was so kind?  Like I’ve slept with so many guys what’s one more? Plus he was so nice. But him? I just wasn’t attracted to, so I kept my no at no, and then he was on his way.

He texted me three times throughout the night. “Thinking of you” and memes about your beautiful heart and being together etc. and so in the morning I had to again repeat what I said from the start. Like dude your a nice guy, like really nice, but I’m just not attracted to you. I’m sure we could be friends, but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship outside of that with you.

Let’s just say I haven’t gotten any good morning text from him since then.

Which sucks because they actually helped my day. Texts like that make you feel at least a little bit valued.

Now it’s back to nothing.

Square one sucks balls.


-Drake/ Hotline Bling-

Here Come Bad News, Talking This And That Well, Give Me All You Got, And Don’t Hold It Back Well, I Should Probably Warn You I’ll Be Just Fine No Offense To You, Don’t Waste Your Time Cause I’m Happy

Update…I’m alive.

Super alive.

Thanks for everyone’s concerns/comments about how I should choose to live my life, but I had a great night.

Go ahead and read while I write a blog that makes me sound like a complete bitch (opposed to all my other ones lol) but keep in mind, he’s the one who kept asking to come… I’m the one who chose him.

It was a good choice. Like all my other previous dozens of guys considering this wasn’t my first time as many of you thought, but thanks for the warnings.

So, he brought some vodka soda’s, we threw on Netflix, some random movie he picked although it’s irrelevant because we didn’t watch any of it, and about half way into my second drink practically 5 minutes into the movie, he asked me I wanted his infamous back rub. Ahhh duh, of course I did. I didn’t just want it, I’d been craving something like it. So I downed my drink and we moved it to the bedroom and he gave me a half decent, partially non-sexual back-rub before I asked him for another drink. I chugged the drink and then I literally just enjoyed over an hour of him rubbing me and him getting me off, while turning him down every time he asked if I wanted him to stick his dick in me.

I told him straight up from the start I didn’t want to have sex, but I selfishly took whatever else he was going to give me in the pursuit of it. It definitely fulfilled my need for human contact, because he tried EVERYTHING, and it was wonderful!

Then, when all was said and done… for me at least, I said he should probably go, which he did.

And I had the best sleep… I woke up with a headache from the 4+ drinks I had but other than that, I’m in a great mood today.

I did my hair and make up this morning, and even wore a skirt to work. Like I actually put in effort to get ready. I feel better. Relieved even. It was a good night. The only downside is that he was a short mother fucker lol. So, I think if I continue this kind of “self-care” lol, it’s 6 foot+ or no go. I just don’t feel like they’re manly next to me if they’re basically the same size or maybe even smaller. Doesn’t mean they can’t be a great fit for someone else! Just not me at close to 5’10.

So thus concludes my update on “How I avoided falling into depression 2018“. Stay tuned for the next chapter… “6 foot 4 or more”    😉


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

 

Pull Me In, Hold Me Tight, Don’t Let Go / I Want To Step Into Your Great Unknown With You And Me Setting The Tone

So today I teared up when I went for a pedicure. All because the guy doing my toes took off his gloves near the end and touched my feet with bare hands.

It was the first skin to skin touch I’ve had in months and it almost made me cry.

It’s beautiful here. Sunny and hot and people are friendly, but I crave intimacy.

It’s gotten to the point that I’m pretty much going to resort to my old behaviors of online “dating.” Although why they call it that I’ll never get. Not one of those boys ever took me out on a date. But anyways, I signed up again just to maybe feel someones arms around me again. However fake.

I haven’t been with a guy since K. But… well just but.

I guess I got hurt so bad, and maybe thought that we might end up together, that I’ve held off. But reality is harsh. And the reality is he’s moved on. So far on… at least I assume he has. We haven’t been talking and I don’t know why he wouldn’t move on. And it’s time I do the same. It’s past time I did the same… but I kept hoping.

So I made my ridiculous profile this weekend and got my ridiculous messages. And now I find myself in the position of having a guy about to come over tonight.

He seems fine. But all I can do is compare him to K, which I know I have to stop doing. My only saving grace at this point is that I got my period an hour ago… so that’ll help restrain me.

I’m honestly so looking forward to the possibility of a man holding me though.

Pathetic, I’m well aware.


-Adele/I Miss You

If It’s Love And We Decide That It’s Forever No One Else Could Do It Better

And now ladies and gentlemen,  what you’ve all been waiting for (lol)

My brutally honest and never to be used (since I have zero desire to open a dating profile again) dating profile.

First, let me start off by saying, like most of you, I have no idea how to properly start this thing. How do I ‘sell’ myself to someone I’ve never met? How do I know what they’re looking for? How do I know what they’re not looking for and what might scare “you”… my potential “perfect” man away? But in the spirit of this post, I’m just going to be honest… in my good ol’ C fashion. Which trust me lol is going to scare you all away anyways.

So, let’s get the basics out-of-the-way. I believe in the dating world its “ASL” or for us newbies- Age, Sex, Location. (Ok, so I just realized I’m not going to reveal everything like location, due to some privacy but you’ll get my drift lol).

Age. I’m officially old. I hit the 30’s back in October which I’m feeling fine about, since age doesn’t bother me, it really is just a number. In the past I haven’t ever made a big deal about my birthday, but they actually are important to me. I think I just let them slide because no-one close to me felt the need to congratulate the fact that I survived another year on this earth with a big celebration. So if you want to date me, it is important to me that you at least acknowledge my birthday with a small gift, or even better, arrange for a special date night. This would be even better is you repeated it every year on my birthday because, surprise surprise, those things continue each year on the same day until I die. I don’t expect fancy gifts, or even want big expensive presents. I prefer time spent together and just the fact that you remember and are happy that I’m still alive and was born however many years ago is so valuable to me. Because without my birthday, you wouldn’t have found the woman of your dreams. Although flowers would be nice.

Sex. Well, I’m very much a female, whose looking for a manly man. I don’t mean a man who needs to walk around in red plaid and suspenders swinging an axe all the time, but I also mean… A MAN. Like ok, I like the fact that men can grow beards, and can for the most part, grow amazing beautiful big muscles that just looks good on them (hey this is my honesty), but I also like the ones who recognize that men and women are different and are sensitive to that separation. I’m not talking about keeping woman in the kitchen type shit (more on my kitchen skills, or lack thereof later) I mean a man who will understand that my body is made different and yes, our minds sometimes work different and our emotions can be different. But most importantly he understands that that difference is NOT weakness. So yes, I am a female with female curves and female hormones and a very female vagina. Please be a male with original working parts. I’d like to use them often.

Location… Welp, that’s for me to know.

Next, Imma let you know straight off the bat that I have two kids that are better than any you’ve met before. Yes, they are from the same dad. No, I’m not a skank who slept around and randomly got pregnant. Well I have slept around, but never produced a kid from it. My offspring are both from a marriage that failed miserably. Yes, their Dad is still kinda in the picture. They see him about once a month for a few hours at a time. No, he doesn’t ever call. No, he never just “pops by’ the house for a visit. No, he is not going to be an issue. I’m technically still married though because he has still not signed the divorce papers yet. Yes I’m trying to push the divorce through faster, but sometimes life is just not on my side.

So anyways, my kids. I treat them like actual humans with real and valuable emotions. They have chores and responsibilities around the house to learn that the world is not handed to them on a silver platter but some things are earned. I teach them manners and about respect. I explain to them that loving themselves is the most important thing though because it sets a precedent on how you should expect others to treat you. I would appreciate and enjoy any potential partner to act as a father figure if you feel comfortable doing so. In fact, I don’t see myself with anyone long-term who cannot accept my children as his own. In the future however, should we choose to have children of our own, then how we choose to raise those children would have to be decided on 100% mutually. Although I can tell you right now, that yep I do support spanking in a controlled environment as long as it’s not done out of anger. I think the parent is first and foremost a parent. Kids will have plenty of friends in their lives, but a parents role is to mold and shape the humans of the future, so I have to make sure I’m teaching them as much as possible about right from wrong, about kindness and love. My goal is not to try and make my kids like me. But make them love me long-term for the heart and soul I instill in them, and choose their own path.

Next, I’m actually expecting big things from a partner as far as a social life. Right now, I don’t get out much. I don’t have a ton of friends due to many moves around the world, changes in jobs, and basically cutting off a lot of dead weight in my life as far as social situations go. So I’d love it if the guy I date would actually do things with me. I know this seems like given, but it hasn’t been in my life, so it’s extra important to me. It would knock me off my feet if a man planned a date from start to finish for me. It would show me that he cared enough about me to invest the time thinking about what I might enjoy and then following through in arranging it for me (I’m actually still shocked that this happens in the real world).

Some things I would like to do? Please no movies or boring coffee dates, although I understand those are good for just getting out of the house every once in a while. But I honest to goodness crave adventure. I wanna go to an amusement park and go on the roller coasters. I wanna go to the shooting range and shoot guns (so much fun) I want to go quading and snowmobiling. I want to own a boat one day and just spend the day speeding around and drinking beers on the lake. Take me sky diving. Book us a mini holiday to a warm beach somewhere, heck take me on a cruise! And please, please for the love of everything good take me dancing. No matter how bad you may think I suck in comparison to you, I love to dance. So take me dancing, and be good at it. But never EVER take me camping in a tent. Not unless you previously set it all up and plan on cooking every meal yourself over the fire pit and are ok with me sitting in a super comfy recline lawn chair that you personally packed me, along with my favorite book by my favorite author (Ted Dekker) covered in bug spray. Nope scratch that, you built me a gazebo with a full mosquito net around my chair, that still lets the sun through, cause a girls gotta tan. Yeah… you should just probably plan on never going camping with me.

That being said, I like my alone time. I’m an independent woman, I don’t have to be with you every second of every day. I honestly don’t even have to know what you’re doing all the time. Like if I say I trust you, then I trust you. Just don’t be shady about shit ok? You wanna go out with the guys? By all means have at ‘er. I would hope you would feel free to tell me you’re going. It’s called communication, it’s how properly functioning adult relationships thrive. You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not your mom. ‘Cause I know you’re coming home to me, and not only that, but I would trust that you’re not messing around while you’re out. Because you chose me to be in relationship with. Just how I would expect the same level of trust from you. And if you don’t think you could do that, then move along.

Ummm, other honest little tidbits about me. I’ve recently lost almost 50 pounds, as well as started working out with a trainer. I actually love going to the gym, but with my kids its been difficult to go as often as I would like and I’m hoping once I move, I’ll be able to go more like 4-5 times a week as opposed to twice like now. Currently, I just work out with my trainer, but eventually I think it would be fun to work out with my boyfriend/S.O. every once in a while. I think it would be a great bonding experience, motivational, and I see zero downside of staying healthy together.

Staying in the vein of healthy, I’m not the best cook in the world, just because I find no joy in it. I’m probably not even the best cook in my house and I only live with my two kids. But I do my best to provide them with a balanced diet that includes all the food groups and teach them to eat until they’re satisfied. So if you can cook? Well that’s a huge bonus. But if not, I haven’t killed anyone yet from my cooking (that I know of) and I’ll always try my best…actually that’s a lie, I’ll always at least make sure there’s a meal on the table every night, but would actually love if we shared cooking duties.

I’m not interested in being a stay at home mom/housewife. I enjoy work. It’s challenging and makes me cringe some days, but I’d choose it over spending my days at home with the kids anytime. Did I take a year off work when each of my children were born? Of course, and I would do it again. I think that initial bonding time is vital. Plus nursing was my favorite, being all snuggled in bed with a baby while you literally feed them from you, it’s amazing. But then, after a year I’m back at work. I think it helps me be a better mom, to get away from the house and kids during the day. Then when I come home, I appreciate them more. I’m looking for a man who also values work. I don’t care what you do, as long as you like it, and have fun. Literally it could be anything as long as it doesn’t put my kids or myself in danger and brings in the cash. As it is, I support us decently enough (although lately that’s debatable) so anything you make is literally just gravy. (ie all those dates I mentioned above hint hint)

Some more about me that you might find disconcerting lol. I blog. About my personal life… so that might be an issue we can discuss if it bothers you. I smoke weed. Started off for my seizures (oh yeah I’m epileptic), but then it turned into an every night thing which my doctor said was ok. Even still, I test myself every once in a while by not doing it for a week or two just to make sure I’m not addicted… so far so good. I’m not a big fan of alcohol, but don’t mind a drink every now and again and it doesn’t bother me if you do. It would bother me I think, if you downed 3-5 beers a night though, or did any other recreational “things.”

So with all that being said, I’m just looking for a man who chooses me. Actually no. Not any man. Opps I just realized I’m picky too, but this is my ridiculously honest post sooooo. I like black men only. I like guys who are 6 feet minimum. I like guys with muscles. I like guys who read. I like guys who can think for themselves. I desire a man who holds me in his sleep just because I’m his. I want sex. A lot of sex, and I may or may not have a fantasy that requires rope. I require a guy who smiles and makes me laugh because that brings him joy. A man who can talk to me because we’re best friends. A man who believes in good vs. evil and that good is the champ. I want a man who can decide for himself and stick with his choices. I want a man who doesn’t care what other people think, about him or us. I want a man who will protect our love, because we have chosen each other and that is the most valuable commodity there is.

I want a man who thinks love is the greatest most powerful thing there is.

And so he chooses to love me.

*Now we know why I’m still single*


-Train/If It’s Love-

 

 

 

 

Not ‘Cause She Ain’t Livin’ / And This Here Ain’t A Scrimmage Mothafucka, We Ain’t Finished

This morning I woke up determined to have a good day. Actually that’s a lie. I woke up about an hour before my alarm having to pee. So after I used the bathroom and crawled back into bed, Z walked into my room and asked to snuggle. So I pulled her up and tucked her in then listened to her fall back asleep.

Then I laid there and started crying as quietly as possible as to not wake her again.

Like I’ve done most days for the past little while.

But as I laid there and tears rolled down my face silently, I looked over and saw Z sleeping. Peacefully. Because she trusts me. No matter how fucked up things have been for me, my kids trust me to care for them and take care of them. They trust me enough to sleep easy at night. So I can’t fuck it up.

I have to make it work.

I have to keep pushing through.

Even though last night I felt like giving up to the point I planned out exactly how I would do it…give up, my kids trust me. Maybe they shouldn’t, but they do.

So I gathered her in my arms and held her while I cried and decided that I would just have to take all the shit the universe sends my way for the sake of my kids. Maybe. just maybe, if I take enough of the burden, there will be less evil for them to bear later down the road.

To watch her wake up and snuggle me and see her love… was hard to hold the tears back in front of her. But instead we put on the music, and started our day.

I put on my big girl pants and a smile determined to make the best of whatever I have. I still have no idea how I’m going to make up the money deficit I have, but I decided to try to do it with dignity and grace. To try and make my kids proud. Because for some reason, they believe in me.

So I got up and got ready for the day. I put on a full face of make-up which is rare. I attempted a new hair style, which sort of worked out. I made myself a proper lunch and even grabbed an apple for breakfast. And then headed out the door to greet the day.

Well literally ONE step out my back door, and the world was like “nope. not today C” because I slipped on the ice and fell right on my ass. For a split second I considered staying there. Honest to god, I thought maybe I should just take the fucking hint already, and not get up this time. I should just call into work and crawl back into my pajama’s and back into bed and NEVER get out. How nice would that be?

But instead Z asked if I was ok, and I lied and said yes, dragged myself up, wiped myself off, and here I am at work.

Again.

I really was initially determined to have a good day. And I really don’t want all my posts to be just me complaining about life.

So with that said, my next post which is inspired by a title I glanced over yesterday, is a work in progress (which is RARE, since I normally write all my posts in one sitting, about whatever’s on my mind at the moment), and won’t be about my day-to-day life. The post I saw was called something like “What would be in my dating profile if it were completely honest.” Which I thought would be fun and refreshing.

No, I’m not looking to meet/date anyone new right now. Nor am I looking to write any profiles for any dating websites/apps anytime soon, but just thought this would be a fun glimpse at me.

Plus it gives me something to focus on other than my body aching from the car accident and the fall, or my financial issues. So you can look forward to that, although *spoiler alert* I”m pretty much exactly how I seem in my blog… So I doubt there will be many surprises lol.


-Rihanna N.E.R.D./Lemon-