Let’s Go Don’t Wait This Night’s Almost Over

So, in a world filled with COVID-19, I’m going to write my first post in over a month and not mention it at all… well at least not again lol. I’m going to tell all of you who have been checking my site on the daily (yeah I browse my stats, I see y’all, thanks for your dedication. It’s obviously more than I had to my writing this past little while) about my date.

That’s right I said it. I, the previously undateable girl, went on a date. An organic, non-online tinder-esk arranged date. An actual ‘you busy Friday? date. Me.

Hey these are crazy times right? I guess stranger things are happening, so why not this to?

Just as this whole pandemic was starting (I said pandemic not the dreaded C-word) I was headed to a potluck some friends were having with my kids and invited a neighbor and her son to come. She couldn’t make it since her brother had just recently moved in with her and so I offered to take her son anyway to give her and her brother some time to hang out. So sweet of me hey? So I drive to pick up her boy and that’s when I met her brother J.

Now I’m gonna be completely honest, as I do here on my blog. J’s fine. And I don’t mean fine as in fine like boy he fine, but more of a he’s just ok type of fine. So don’t get your panties up in a bunch when you realize that obviously he’s the dude I’m talking about when I say I went on a date and I’m only using the word fine to describe him. But that’s the best word I have. He’s not amazing. He’s fine. He’s not talk dark and handsome. He’s fine. Actually he’s super tall, but that still only puts him at fine. Sure he was super kind when I met him that night and had a good hand shake (lame that that’s the best redeeming quality I remember) but I’m just really not attracted to him. C? Wtf did you go on a date with him you’re probably thinking? Me too at this point but the past is in the past. This post isn’t about why I did it lol. Just describes the fact that I did. So chill.

Anyway my neighbor did introductions and that was that. A few days later my neighbor texted to say J was BBQing and would the kids and I like to come for dinner? Sure why not. We ended up staying for dinner and then having a bonfire and drinks late into the night, just hanging out. J walked us home and we made out pretty heavily before I sent him home. The next day my neighbor texted saying J was asking for my number was that cool with me? Ok. Here’s where I changed my first opinion of J. Yeah I still think he’s basically fine and definitely not the love of my life. But he’s got gentleman potential. Do I want to be in a long term relationship with him or something/anything? Nope. But I think he’s got something special for some girl. just not me.

Anyway I said sure, I didnt mind he could have my number, and he texted after work that day. He. Is. An. Awful. Texter. He’s also older than me. By a sizeable chunk. Now normally age doesn’t bother me, but when you’re in a whole other generation…. it affects how you interact with the world, so it plays a part. Anyway. He ended coming by the next weekend with my neighbor and her neighbor (who she’s seeing… apparently we like to keep things tight knit over here 😏) to hang out and that’s when on the way out he asked me on the date. Just a quick question on the way out the door. Do you wanna go for dinner Friday night? Yeah I just realized I’ve written all this and haven’t even gotten to the date. So I’ll jump to it.

I said yes, mainly because I was shocked. Because in 32 years I’ve never been asked that, and we all know it’s like a deep dream of mine. Something I’ve always wanted. Also because he was leaning in to kiss me and I really didn’t know what else to think. So I said yes. But as soon as the door shut, I thought, I don’t know if I want to go on a date with that man. I know I don’t like him like that. I made out with him mainly because yep I was drunk and yep because he was there. Call me what you want but that’s the truth. But I don’t want to go down the path that this seemed to somehow be heading in a very fast way.

There were so many thoughts going through my head and I settled on the most important one. Being that I didn’t want my friendship with my neighbor to be ruined if (and when) things broke off if it happened how I thought it would. So I texted her to see if whatever was happening between J and I was ok with her. And she was like ohhh it’s all cool. He smiles and laughs when he texts you. You make him happy. Well obviously it’s cause I’m hilarious, no but for real, now I’m like damn. I don’t wanna hurt his feelings, but I also didn’t want to commit.

Now don’t get me wrong, on Friday night I cleaned up real nice and we went on our date. Kinda. I half-assed it. I didn’t get a babysitter in time. To be honest though I didn’t even ask a single person. So here he is asking if I like lobster and have I been to certain ridiculously fancy restaurants in town and I’m like, I thought this was going to be a casual drinks thing. I don’t want to sit at a quiet chandelier lit dinner with a man I hardly know on our first night together. So I had to explain that to him.

We ended up just going to get drinks at a pub while he had his hands all over me while we waited for our Chinese take out order to be made and then went home and watched a movie.

But then. He stayed the night. It just kind of happened. I didn’t invite him. And he didn’t ask. I would have much preferred he had gone home, but he was pretty drunk so I felt bad. What I felt annoyed about most was how he didn’t give any regard to my kids and how I was going to explain it to them.

I’ve had guys over at night before. And they either left that night or quietly the next morning out my bedroom door. But J? Nope. The next day he walked out my door and loudly says good morning to the kids before I could even react.

They obviously had so many questions after he left. Did J sleep here? Why is he here. And I’m like nope. He just came for a visit this morning. Like fuck J. You didn’t respect me or my life in that moment at all.

So later I explained to him that I think we would be better off as friends. And that I appreciated the date, but I just don’t see us going anywhere.

So there, my friends you have the tale of my first date. The great let down. The time a man took me out. Was going to make reservations until I shot him down. Paid for my night. And I realized that dates are probably not all I worked them up to be. At least not with the wrong person.

Live and learn hey?


– First Date/Blink 182

Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ain’t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

Eventually If It Was Meant To Be, Then It Would Be ‘Cause We Related, Physically And Mentally / Boy, I Tell You, I Miss Her

Today I had another honest conversation with my kids. I asked them how they would feel if they never had a ‘dad’. Like if we just always remained a family of three. How pretty much they’ve always known it.

I told them I’ve come to the realization that for myself, men cause me a distraction, (because it’s something I so deeply want) and then disappointment or hurt when left unfulfilled and that I’m learning to teach myself I can be ok and even whole on my own. Yes, it’s been a painful journey, one I’m hoping not to stumble on over and over again, but to teach my kids that they don’t need to find satisfaction and fulfillment within another individual.

But, on the other hand, I want to make sure my kids would not feel like they are missing out by having that experience of a dad in their life. I told them (especially Little E) if there were situations they were going through that I didn’t have the answers to from my life experience (or google) we could ask my dad or I have two brothers-in-law that would be great for advice of that type.

Little E was honestly completely fine with it. He said I do a good job (aww) as a mom and he was not bothered by my question or suggestion that I would just remain single from here on out. Z wasn’t really sure, although she’s not quite 6 so I don’t think she understood the whole situation. I reassured her that I’ve been taking care of her and her brother on my own since she was 6 months old so nothings changing other than the fact we’re talking about it. All I’m suggesting is that we would stay that way, as a family of three, and I focus on them. Would that be good for them? Or make them feel really uncomfortable at Fathers Day when the daycare does a party for dads or at the father daughter dance at dance class etc. Little E was still completely A OK about it and once Z understood that I was just checking that she was ok that that things stayed the same, she was fine. Little E made a comment on how it would be more weird and how things would have to change if they DID get a dad since they’ve never really had one, and I agreed with him.

I explained that he can rest easy that I won’t ever bring anyone into their lives who would cause hurt or that would turn around and walk away. (FYI, My kids have never even seen any of the guys I’ve been with let alone meet them and get attached, apart from K and that was after a long time… I won’t do that again) That pain is just unnecessary, and so I’ll do my best to protect them from it at all costs. And this will cost me a lot.

Which is why I’m good with just being me.

Just C. Raising her two kids. I’ve done well on my own the last 5 years. I don’t see why I can’t repeat that another 3 times.

-Common/I Used To Love H.E.R.-

I Like Big Butts And I Can Not Lie You Other Brothers Can’t Deny That When A Girl Walks In With An Itty Bitty Waist And A Round Thing In Your Face You Get Sprung

So Little E had a friend over on Sunday and I heard him asking Alexa to play “I like Big Butts.” Now in my house, for the most part, I’m pretty open with my kids, and that includes music. I’d rather keep an open dialogue then have to deal with little secrets now that can turn into big things later. So they can basically listen to whatever music, unless the profanity is extreme. My kids aren’t allowed to swear because I’ve taught them a vast vocabulary and try to teach them a few things about swearing. First, if you don’t understand the meaning behind the word you shouldn’t be using it, and secondly it’s better to try to communicate what you’re trying to get across with more than just one word. Yes sometimes the curse word is the best you can come up with, and maybe when you’re older, it will be more suitable with your vocabulary to use. But for now, lets work on expanding our knowledge and finding more precise words to explain our feelings.

Anyways, back to big butts lol. When I heard the song come off while Little E’s friend was over I asked him to change it. He was fine with that. Later after supper I explained that I didn’t know if his friends parents would appreciate him hearing that kind of language at our house and that to remember we are trying to be role models in our life for others.

Then he asked what was so bad about the song. So I explained that the song talks about how men like big butts and it’s not a lie, other men can’t deny (or lie) that when a beautiful woman walks in with a beautiful body, or a nice figure and large bum, it gives them a hard penis or erection.

To which he was like ‘Oh yeah that happened to me at Superstore”

Surprise Mom!

And so we dove into the sex talk. I told him having an erection is perfectly normal and it’s a guys body’s way of preparing his penis for sex, although just because you get an erection, does not mean you must have sex. It just means you are attracted to that individual and now the blood is rushing to your penis, making it protrude from your body so it can more easily enter the vagina.

I explained how you would first find someone who you enjoy spending time with and trust and feel safe and happy as well as comfortable with, as sex is a very intimate (close) thing. And just because your penis is capable of getting an erection, doesn’t mean your mentally able to deal with the other elements that sex entails. You would want to build a relationship with a person before moving forward and having sex with anyone who gives you an erection. But, I told him, if you start a relationship with someone and feel uncomfortable, it’s ok to stop the relationship and just remain friends. You don’t have to have a physical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with everyone. You will eventually choose one person that you feel the best and most special with. Then, once you’ve built that bond with the person you feel most happy with, and have dated for a while and felt safe and comfortable with, and they are happy with you, you might want to consider sex.

Now it’s important to know, sex is not just one thing. It’s not just when the penis goes into the vagina. It’s a whole situation. It’s intimacy. It’s kissing and hugging. It’s touching their bodies. It’s making each other feel good. Sex cannot be defined as something in one second, and can be different each time (yes I realize I went deep for a 8.5 year old, but I also told him this wouldn’t be our only talk on it, as it’s a fluid subject). Anyways, sex is about both people involved making each others bodies feel pleasure, and the most simple way of doing that is through the penis going in and out of the vagina , but the best way of doing it through listening and responding to what your partner wants, and responding to that. Kissing, touching, different positions (to which very awkward hand motions came out) etc. Sex is normally finished once both people have reached the most pleasure their bodies can. For men, it is when they ejaculate, which is when sperm comes out of their penis, creating the most pleasurable feeling throughout the body. I didn’t go into female orgasms at that time, because, well one step at a time lol.

Anyways, so far he was being an active participant in the conversation, which is why I went this far. When I talked about male ejaculation and sperm, we moved more into how babies are made, as he talked about how he knew what sperm was and how it was half of what joined with the egg to create the baby.

So I told him, the sperm go into the woman, and one of the sperm reaches the egg and they join together to multiply and grow and grow and grow inside the woman to create a baby. So that’s how sex can create a baby. Which I very skillfully and motherfully (not a word I know) linked back to why it was important to choose carefully who you have a relationship and then sex with, as that person could potentially be your parenting partner. Like you two could be a dad and mom together.

But then he was like “so every time you have sex you make a baby?” To which I wanted to be like YES so avoid it forever!!! lol. But I was honest and explained about condoms to protect from sicknesses you can get from sex. Then I touched a bit on a woman’s period. So if a woman didn’t have sex while her egg was ready, her period came and washed it away and prepared a new fresh one next month denoting the importance of timing.

Oh man, it was a big discussion. But Little E was involved and asking questions, understanding most of it. Of course you don’t fully understand something like sex and intimacy until you’ve experienced it for yourself, but to be more prepared will help the depth of his empiricism, at least those are my sentiments.

But in the end I told him I don’t want him judging a woman or potential partner solely on her body, as the song suggests. Yes, women have wonderful bodies and they can make you think of being with them in a sexual way, and they can give you an erection by just simply standing there and existing because we are beautifully made, but a woman is not just a body. We have thoughts and feelings and emotions and dreams and goals like men do. How would you feel if a girl only liked you because of your hair or nice smile, and not because your good at math or didn’t care that you liked hockey, or never wanted to discuss how your day was? You wouldn’t feel as comfortable and happy with her as you should. There is a girl out there who will make you smile every day and want to hear all about those things, not because she feels its part of her job, but because you genuinely interest her, and you make her happy, by just being you. That’s the kind of girl you should be dating and be in a relationship with to one day have sex. But remember, there is no rush, because you’re not ready to be a dad.

Since then there’s just been a few follow-up questions, like what does sexy mean, and can you only make a baby once, or every month? Both good questions, which I tried answering as simply as I could for him.

Because although he is only 8, since he understood and took it seriously, it was time. And I trust him. He made me proud. More proud than half the guys out prowling the night lately anyways.


-Old School Players / Baby Got Back-