I Pay The Cost, Who ‘Gon Take It Off I Record Then I Ball, I Ignored A Lot Of Calls You Ain’t Talking About Nothing, I Ain’t Got No Time

So yesterday was Father’s Day here in Canada.

As I’m sure you could assume, I’m not the biggest fan of Father’s Day.

My birth “father”? Non existent in my eyes. I haven’t spoken to him since a “brief” reconnection when I was sixteen (a 15 minute chat that ended with him giving me his business card). Before that? I hadn’t seen him in probably a dozen years.

My kid’s “father”? Back committed again in a psych ward. I know I said he was out a week or so ago, but he’s back…again. Probably for the best. Men who beat their wives unprovoked are obviously not right in the head and need all the help they can get, even if they will never be “normal.” Since I filed for divorce 4+ years ago, he’s pushing close to 9 months of being committed, and the doctors have outright said he will never “get better.” So basically my kids don’t have a dad either. But we all know they never really did.

My step-dad who raised me? Of course he did his best, but his preference for his biological daughter, my younger sister was obvious.

So, no. I have no positive feelings for Fathers Day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of great, nay even superb dad’s out there. But I just don’t have any in my inner circles. I didn’t have any role models growing up showing what a good dad could be like, which is probably why I set the bar so low for my now ex. But my issue is why?

Why the fuck can’t men be better men?

For sure there are tons of crappy women/mothers out there, but why is it somehow automatically assumed that woman have to step up when a relationship falls to shit and be the “better” parent? Of course there are exceptions to this as with everything, but the majority of the time y’all know what I’m talking about.

Why do woman have to step it up more than guys? Last time I checked it took both his dick and your vagina to make that baby. Plus the woman already did her time, 9 months worth more than a man growing the kid, so does that mean she gets the next 9 months off while he does 9 straight to compensate? Hell no. In our society sometimes the girl is “lucky” if the guy is still around by the time the child is born.

What the fuck happened to family? What happened to commitment? What happened to choosing each other and purposely deciding to create a beautiful life? How did we get so messed up, to the point where men for some reason just assume that the lady will be all good in raising A HUMAN BEING ALONE if he decides to up and bail? And for who knows what.

  1. He wasn’t ready
  2. He was scared
  3. He didn’t want the baby
  4. He found new girl
  5. He couldn’t afford the child
  6. He thought he was too young
  7. He just outright didn’t think it was his problem
  8. Etc. etc. etc.

Well guess what, we as woman feel half those reasons too. And you know what we need in that moment? A MAN. Not a boy who was horny and instead of full of sperm he’s now full of excuses. So now in the most basic sense, all I can say, although I know it’ll fall on deaf ears, if fucking keep it in your pants.

Men and woman.

If you’re not ready to be a parent, you shouldn’t be messing around.

I’m just done with celebrating stupidity. I’m done with Hallmark holidays.

Even more so, right now, I’m done with men.


-The Carters/Boss-

It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! It’s Raining Men! Amen! I’m Gonna Go Out To Run And Let Myself Get Absolutely Soaking Wet

Yesterday I was driving the kids to daycare and we were listening to the radio as per usual, when Little E asked how do “they” know what the weather is going to be?

OOOOOKKKKKAAAAAYYYYYYY!

I honestly have tried to figure this out so many times. I mean I get the general idea of wind patterns and cloud coverage etc. But honestly, how do “they” KNOW, that the wind just won’t fucking change!!!! Or more clouds just won’t accumulate? Or the sun won’t just shine harder lol. Or basically any million occurrences that could happen that could change the predictions? Like honest to goodness, how can “they” know?

So I outright told little E that. I told him I think they make predictions based on wind patterns and cloud movement etc but it’s a question that I haven’t quite figured out the answer to, so maybe he could ask his grandpa.

When I said I didn’t know the answer, I saw his eye’s twinkle in the rear-view mirror. As any kid’s would when they realize their parents don’t know everything for the first time. But I continued by saying, that like I had told him before, I would always be honest with him and never lie to him just to seem like I know the answer. Therefore, everything I’ve told him up to now, and in the future, has been and will always be the truth to the best of my knowledge. And if I don’t have the knowledge, I’ll point him in the right direction.

Now he knows that he can trust what I say. He knows that I won’t make up something “just because,” and I could see his mind going and thinking back over things I’d probably told him that he might not have believed, but now he knew he could trust me.

Last night, and all today? It was like he was a whole new boy. I’m not sure exactly what doubts he had in his mind,  but that conversation changed something in him. He’s become happier, more confident and just overall more satisfied with life it seems. I’m glad that what ever was bothering him is gone now… annoyed that it was there in the first place, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyways, as far as weather, I’m going to set Little E up with my dad to see if he can learn a few things about it. My dad is a plethora of knowledge when it comes to that stuff. None of it rubbed off on me apparently, but that wasn’t for a lack of trying on his part.

When I was in grade 5, my dad volunteered to organize a whole field trip for my class while we were doing our unit on aerodynamics and somehow I remember clouds being involved in that (see how little I care about the sky lol). So, he arranged for our class to go down to the municipal airport and see the airplanes there. We all had a chance to sit in the plane and play with the controls a bit, while he explained about the wings and lift and drag and all that airplaney stuff. I really wasn’t paying attention. One, because it was my dad and I’d heard him talk about it a thousand times at the dinner table (and car rides and bed time and just about all the time was airplane time), and two because it was my dad and everyone kept looking at me funny because my dad was the teacher for the day. Then at the end of the field trip, he took my teacher for a quick flight in a 2 seater plane which everyone thought was amazing. I was seriously thinking, I did this with him like 2 months ago for a Saturday afternoon for fun so it wasn’t that special, but ok, whatever tickles your fancy. And then back to school we went.

So, I think he’s a much better candidate for teaching Little E about weather and clouds and the air and sky and all that jazz. As for me? I probably still have no clue how it works because I was too embarrassed that my dad was leading the field trip to properly learn about cloud formations to pass any knowledge on to Little E.

Maybe that’s why knowledge skips a generation lol.

***After thought*** I normally write my posts and then pick a song/title that suits it. So after choosing this one, it reminded me how just tonight my kids facetimed my parents and when I answered my dad asked if I was going on a date. I was caught off guard, like what?? Why? He’s like your wearing lipstick. lol Omg, dad, I’ve been wearing it all day at work. Trust me. I have no date life. I’m literally in my pajama’s, and as we’ve discussed before, have literally NEVER BEEN ON A PROPER FUCKING DATE!!!!!!! So no dad. I don’t have a date tonight. But thanks for asking and reminding me of that very painful and annoying fact. Appreciate it.


-The Weather Girls/It’s Raining Men-

I Just Started To See The Light Of Day, I Just Started Hating Some People Today

I met my “Dad” again at around 15 years old.  It had been like 10 years since he gave up his visitation rights to R and I, and stopped showing up every so often to drive us down to his house in the next city for the weekend. He also stopped paying child support for the two of us after my mom got remarried. Apparently him also getting remarried and having two other kids meant for some reason he didn’t have to provide for us any more. Lame, I know. But in any case, after reconnecting with my adopted sister K, my fathers side of the family also reached out and wanted to build a relationship with R and I. I didn’t have strong feelings either way, and I was willing to give them a chance. My Aunt (my Dad’s sister) was the first to reach out. First by adding me on Facebook, and then emails every once in a while, until finally we started chatting (very rarely) on the phone. As the relationship grew (ever so slightly), and I got to know more about a family I knew existed, but didn’t know anything about. I began to feel more comfortable with the idea of spending more time with them, so my mom and I made a trip out to BC to meet more of my long-lost family.

When I initially saw my Aunt A, I’ll be real for the first time, I honestly felt like I belonged in a family. Both of my sisters R and N are much shorter and smaller in general than myself. At 5’9 1/2, I’m also at least a solid 2-3 inches taller than my mom/sisters and I’m the only one in my family with curly hair. I mean not just a little wave if I don’t straighten it in the morning, I mean full-out curl, while everyone else, yep you guessed it, pin straight black hair. Well maybe a slight wave. But also personality wise, my family is way out there, and while I’m not necessarily a stick in the mud, I do think everything through and weigh all my options instead of running around like a bull in a china shop like they tend to do. I’d rather make the calculated decision instead of fly by the seat of my pants… but that’s just me.

When I saw my Aunty A at the airport in Victoria, it was like a lightbulb went off. I felt like this is where I came from. This is where my roots belonged. I felt like I was no longer a misfit, but I had connections and to be honest, I felt for the first time like I was the right “fit” for the family. I was no longer the black sheep as far as looks go. It was like hugging myself in a mirror. Sitting with them in their living room was so peaceful, compared to my home growing up where life was so chaotic, with constant yelling and arguments. Yeah the decor was outdated but the pace of life was just so fitting for me. I felt like I had missed out on a huge opportunity in life. Growing up how I did was stressful but sitting in my newly discovered grandparents house with my new Aunt, I felt calm and like I belonged.

My mom and I spent a few days in Victoria touring around and enjoying the sights. My Grandparents house literally shared a backyard fence with the Craigdarroch Castle, which we of course toured, but I also had the amazing view of it every night before bed. Once we had done all the touristy things, like visit the harbour and take horse-drawn carriage rides through the parks, we finished up our visit with grand promises to keep in touch.

Which we did, some what (again, this is not my strong point at all). I went back one summer for a week alone and my Aunt arranged a few day camp type things to keep me busy. Kayaking in the bay (SO MUCH FUN!) and rock climbing (eh) among other things. The trip was a success, and I had a chance to learn a lot more about my heritage and how that side of my family also thinks my biological dad is a douche, so that was a bonding moment lol. But the moment when I actually got to meet him, came soon after, when my Grandpa passed away and I made the conscious decision to go to his funeral, knowing my ‘Dad” would be there.

My Grandpa and I shared a special bond and even though I had really just been getting to know him, we had instantly connected. He was a very kind, thoughtful smart man. When you looked at him you could see wisdom in his eyes. He had been through so much in his life, but had not let it get him down. He is 100% Japanese, making me 1/4, and his calm demeanor is something I aspire to. Nothing rattled him, and that’s how I try to live.

Anyways, when he passed, I wanted to be there for the funeral, so my parents agreed to send me to Victoria on my own (R wasn’t interested in getting involved with that family, and my mom didn’t want to “intrude” on this family gathering). It was a little overwhelming at first, meeting a bunch of Great Aunt’s and Uncle’s for the first time…No cousins though… since my dads kids didn’t feel the need to attend the funeral of the granddad they’d known their whole life. But I went, and I’m glad I did because I met my Great Aunt Yayeko whom I was initially named after (middle name, although after the divorce my mom changed it) and everyone got to see me after so many years.

But when it finally came down to “meeting” my dad… that part was so pathetic. He avoided me the whole afternoon, until the memorial was winding down and I knew my time was running out so I made an effort to go and talk to him before losing my chance.

Our entire conversation lasted less than 20 minutes and was pretty boring. He spent most of the time talking about his other wife and two kids. Turns out I have ANOTHER younger sister and a brother. And the worst part? My sisters name is sooooo damn close to mine it was like common. All the names in the world and you had to name her something that the substitute teacher would call me because it’s so similar? Annoying. But the worst part… at the end of our “bonding” he suggested that we stay in touch. Sure I thought at first, that could be nice. Until he pulled out his business card and handed it to me and said “My numbers on here”… Umm pardon me? You’re a grown man, and you can’t even be bothered to ask me for my information? You don’t care enough to want to know how to get in touch with your daughter? Your going to leave the future of our relationship in my teenage hands? Fine. Do that. But I’m gonna throw it in the trash, because apparently that’s how much you value it.
Needless to say, I was so pissed off. And that business card is in some garbage can where it belongs. Along with all my feelings for my sperm donor.


-Beck/I Just Started Hating Some People Today-