The End

Hello all.

Thanks for taking the time out of your lives over the last year and a bit to learn about mine.

Unfortunately life is just to shitty to even find the desire to write and update you guys anymore so I’ve decided to shutdown the whole blogging part of who I am for now.

Thanks for understanding.

C.

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Why’d You Have To Wait? Where Were You? Just A Little Late You Found Me Why’d You Have To Wait To Find Me?

I’ve come to the understanding within myself that I’m not where I’d like to be in my life. Which, on it’s own is not that big a deal you’d think right? Just go out and change, or get what you want etc. and you’d be all good C right? Except that where I want to be is out of my own reach.

After I wrote my last blog, I truly realized how much I wanted another baby. For some reason I didn’t think it was that big of a deal before, but after I let it out, like put it from my mind out to the world, it made it so real… too real.

All I ever wanted to be was a family. A wife and a mother in a perfect little family. I didn’t realize it was such a deep truth for me until I’ve come to see how much of a failure I’ve become in this area.

I wanted a simple wedding with a first dance. Maybe a honeymoon if I was lucky. I wanted cute little kids, to grow up with two parents who love them, and each other. I wanted to cook dinner for my family while my husband helps the kids with homework, or shoots hoops in the backyard. I wanted to go for family walks after supper while my man and I hold hands and the kids run off ahead. I wanted to see my husband change a diaper just once, or rub my pregnant stomach and maybe sing to our unborn baby. I wanted to have fun looking at houses together or possibly picking out then putting furniture together for our place.

I even wanted to do my mans laundry, because folding clothes is my favorite. And as I fold his clothes I can make note of which items are wearing out and needing replacement. I wanted to nurse a baby in the middle of the night that my husband carried to me because it was “his turn”.

I wanted all these things and more, but I experienced none except the cute kids part. And the thing that chokes me up the most, is that I can’t change it. I can’t make a man appear, let alone love me and choose me. I can’t make another baby happen on my own… well technically with IVF, I could but that won’t change the course of my single mom life.

Sure I can make dinner for my kids. I can fold their laundry. I can take them for walks. I can do all these things mentioned… but I have to do them alone. And trust me. Four years of experience tells me it’s not the feeling I’ve been looking for.

Imagining holding someone’s hand… not the same as feeling it. Imagining laying in bed with someone else? Not the same as feeling their warmth and hearing their breath. Cooking for two kids? Not the same as making a real hearty meal for a man.

So I’ve just realized that I’m not where I had hoped to be, and frustrated that I cannot do a damn thing to change it on my own.

So instead, I’ll just have to keep plodding ahead as I am. Attempting to be the best mom I can, to the two kids I do have. Because they only have one parent in the picture which means I have to be doubly good…. maybe even more so because my efforts so far haven’t been top notch.


-The Fray/You Found Me-

Not ‘Cause She Ain’t Livin’ / And This Here Ain’t A Scrimmage Mothafucka, We Ain’t Finished

This morning I woke up determined to have a good day. Actually that’s a lie. I woke up about an hour before my alarm having to pee. So after I used the bathroom and crawled back into bed, Z walked into my room and asked to snuggle. So I pulled her up and tucked her in then listened to her fall back asleep.

Then I laid there and started crying as quietly as possible as to not wake her again.

Like I’ve done most days for the past little while.

But as I laid there and tears rolled down my face silently, I looked over and saw Z sleeping. Peacefully. Because she trusts me. No matter how fucked up things have been for me, my kids trust me to care for them and take care of them. They trust me enough to sleep easy at night. So I can’t fuck it up.

I have to make it work.

I have to keep pushing through.

Even though last night I felt like giving up to the point I planned out exactly how I would do it…give up, my kids trust me. Maybe they shouldn’t, but they do.

So I gathered her in my arms and held her while I cried and decided that I would just have to take all the shit the universe sends my way for the sake of my kids. Maybe. just maybe, if I take enough of the burden, there will be less evil for them to bear later down the road.

To watch her wake up and snuggle me and see her love… was hard to hold the tears back in front of her. But instead we put on the music, and started our day.

I put on my big girl pants and a smile determined to make the best of whatever I have. I still have no idea how I’m going to make up the money deficit I have, but I decided to try to do it with dignity and grace. To try and make my kids proud. Because for some reason, they believe in me.

So I got up and got ready for the day. I put on a full face of make-up which is rare. I attempted a new hair style, which sort of worked out. I made myself a proper lunch and even grabbed an apple for breakfast. And then headed out the door to greet the day.

Well literally ONE step out my back door, and the world was like “nope. not today C” because I slipped on the ice and fell right on my ass. For a split second I considered staying there. Honest to god, I thought maybe I should just take the fucking hint already, and not get up this time. I should just call into work and crawl back into my pajama’s and back into bed and NEVER get out. How nice would that be?

But instead Z asked if I was ok, and I lied and said yes, dragged myself up, wiped myself off, and here I am at work.

Again.

I really was initially determined to have a good day. And I really don’t want all my posts to be just me complaining about life.

So with that said, my next post which is inspired by a title I glanced over yesterday, is a work in progress (which is RARE, since I normally write all my posts in one sitting, about whatever’s on my mind at the moment), and won’t be about my day-to-day life. The post I saw was called something like “What would be in my dating profile if it were completely honest.” Which I thought would be fun and refreshing.

No, I’m not looking to meet/date anyone new right now. Nor am I looking to write any profiles for any dating websites/apps anytime soon, but just thought this would be a fun glimpse at me.

Plus it gives me something to focus on other than my body aching from the car accident and the fall, or my financial issues. So you can look forward to that, although *spoiler alert* I”m pretty much exactly how I seem in my blog… So I doubt there will be many surprises lol.


-Rihanna N.E.R.D./Lemon-

Got Everybody Watchin’ What I Do Come Walk In My Shoes And See The Way I’m Livin’ If You Really Want To

I have to stop tempting the universe.

Each time I say “I’ve had enough,” it turns around and is like OHHHH but wait there’s more.

You know that stupid saying “The world/God/life/ only give you what you hand handle’? I must be the Queen of the fucking world after all this junk.

So to start off my day (yes, just to start) I was driving to work and trying to get in the right mindset since I spent the morning yelling at my kids to hurry up and get ready.

You’d think after 4-5 months of a morning routine before school, Little E would know there’s no time to read books in the morning. I mean I love the fact that he loves to read, but common! Get ready first, then read. Nope instead lately, morning after morning I find him laying on his floor with a book, still in his pajama’s, and then we have to do the hustle and bustle to get out the door on time. I’ve tried taking the book away, but he just picks out a new one. I tried explaining to him about just doing his jobs first then he can relax on the couch until it’s time to go. And now, I’ve resorted to raising my voice/yelling. Which leads to me having to explain my frustrations to him on the ride to daycare. I have to tell him that yes, I did lose my temper and that was my responsibility, but it is his responsibility to do what he has been told (many times) which is get dressed, eat breakfast, get cleaned up, then he can read.

I explained that I’m annoyed that I have to keep telling him something fairly simple over and over, and at a certain point, he needs to take responsibility. Especially since he’s growing older, and I want to be able to trust him with those things, so that as he grows, I can add more things. How I know I can trust him, is when he can do it on his own without being told/reminded. So I apologized for getting mad, told him I loved him, and we both agreed to work on our faults and not let it ruin our day.

So, anyways back to the drive to work. I dropped the kids off and continued on my way with my music blaring, and like I said the universe is like oh C, just guess what we have in store for you today, because while I was stopped in traffic dancing like no-one was watching (and even if they were I don’t give an eff) when a car slams into my rear-end and I go flying forward.

Great, hey? Just what I needed. To be rear-ended. So this young kid gets out and I’m trying to figure out what the hell just happened. All my shit is everywhere in my car. Hot coffee splashed everywhere, paperwork all over the floor/dash, like this was not a gentle nudge. And he walks up all nervous and I’m like just relax buddy. It’s not the end of the world. Yeah it sucks balls, but it is what it is, but we can’t go back. Just give me your info and let’s take pictures so I can get to work.

So we exchange information and I head off to work. But since then, my body has been literally vibrating. My neck/back are actually hurting and as ridiculous as this sounds, my knees are actually becoming so sore, I don’t even know how that works but I think they slammed into the dash somehow. It’s like as I progress throughout my day, everything is becoming more and more stiff and sore.

Anyways, this kid is like 18-19 years old and is having his dad deal with it, which I don’t care really.  I’m just annoyed that now I have to find time to file a police report and deal with this unnecessary junk. I also made myself a chiropractor appointment for after work today because I’m that sore already. I can just imagine what I’ll feel like tomorrow.

So, to top off my day (yep you heard me, that’s not all folks) my appointment that I booked back in like late September to get a prescription for medical marijuana was supposed to be today but shortly after I got to work, they called to cancel it. They said they would re-book me in the “near future” which aggravated me because my wait time from Sept-Jan was a “short wait” according to them, so near future could literally be months away and they don’t give a shit.

Now, when I say I’m done. I really mean it. I don’t mean let’s test C some more to see how strong she is. I mean this stopped being fun a long time ago.

This is all I can handle. And no, I don’t want to see if I’m right or wrong on that point.

I’m stating it as fact.

I’m done.

*UPDATE**** I”ve just been informed by a fellow blogger that, yep, I should go get tested for HIV just in case, since sometimes it symptoms can lay dormant for years…. so that’s great/ read my last post for more info****


-T.I. Feat Rihanna/ Live Your Life-

I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Saying Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance

So where to begin.

I feel like ranting about every little thing in my life, which I won’t, however easy it would be.

My lawyer contacted me saying E didn’t actually sign the papers like he said he did (which I think I mentioned already). On top of that, he denied me ever telling/discussing the move with him, let alone him agreeing to it. So he had been ignoring my calls/texts/emails EVERYTHING for the last month and a half.

When I finally got a hold of him, he told me he’s been at work this whole time. Suuuure you have, it’s like he forgot I’m a payroll/HR specialist and know ALL the rules about how long he can be at camp for. Which means last rotation on his 10 days off while he was in town, he ignored all my calls and choose not to see the kids. Yes, that also means he hasn’t spoken to/seen them in close to two months now… maybe more I can’t even remember. All because he realized he got caught in his newest lie where he said he signed the papers but he didn’t, so now he’s to scared to answer the phone because he knows why I’m calling.

Fuck I can’t believe I ever married this guy.

Next, Little E’s teacher has been driving me crazy. I don’t know if she’s on some power trip or what, but in her newest move, she kept a few kids in during recess because they got ONE answer wrong on a quiz, and so she wouldn’t let them eat their morning snack while she made them clean other kids cubby’s out. I found out about it because when I asked Little E about his day, his first response was how he was SOOO hungry at lunch, which led me to ask why, etc. etc.

I can’t remember if I’ve ranted about Ms. C before, but in the incident before this (not even the first one, just previous to this, that’s how many there are in this saga), Little E came home from school and when I asked if there was anything exciting at school, he told me how his entire class had to run to the library so that a kid wouldn’t hit them. Umm, what??? Yeah, he says, then the librarian told them to run to the Gr. 6 room and wait quietly. Say WHAT!!!!!

What the hell is with all this running? And who’s hitting? And is there a note from your teacher? Nothing. I asked all the questions I could, and Little E did the best he could to explain, but since nothing had been explained to the class themselves other than RUN, he really had zero information to relay to me. So I emailed Ms. C, who didn’t even respond, but instead (since I’ve questioned her ONCE in the past, and I’m pretty sure she’s intimidated by me since I’m not a grade two-er she can boss around) she passed me off to a school counselor who replied with a half-baked email stating the privacy of our children is most important and the kids were safe at all times, and therefore nothing more would be provided to me.

Umm, no. That doesn’t answer my question. I understand if you have a special needs child who was perhaps having a seizure or something, but send an email or note home to the parents that an incident occurred that day so we aren’t wondering what happened. Especially in this day and age with all the ridiculousness that could potentially happen in schools. I just want to know, and be informed. So that I can know MY child is also safe. That way when I call Ms. C an idiot, at least I do it with all the correct backing knowledge lol. Anyways, it’s getting to the point, where I’m half considering moving Little E to a different class. Mainly because Ms. C is frustrating on so many levels and refuses to work with me. She won’t even respond to my emails, and it’s not like I’m hounding her, I’ve sent her 3 the entire year, and 2 were a back and forth conversation, the third most recent one she didn’t respond to. So most people I’ve discussed this with, think I should take it to the Principal. Thoughts?

Also, Christmas is coming up… so there’s that. My work is doing our thing this Saturday night which originally K said he would come to, but now he’s mad at me for something I legitimately don’t know what. And every time we talk since Friday when this ‘incident’ where I messed up doing I’m not sure what, because no matter how many times I ask he won’t say, he’s gotten more and more enraged. When I ask him to tell me what I did, he says I’m not an idiot I should know. He won’t just explain it to me. So, I’ve tried apologizing although I’m not sure what I’m saying sorry for and I think that makes him more mad each time I do. So then I don’t say anything and that also infuriates him, because he keeps asking if I have anything else to say, and since apologizing makes him mad, I don’t want to do that, but I honestly don’t know what he’s expecting at this point.  Unfortunately I’m not sure what to do now, and he’s at the point where he is so mad at me, that I feel a little uneasy. He’s speaking in terms that slightly scare me, so I’ve decided to take a step back. I have to protect myself and more importantly my children.

So because of that, unless there’s some sort of miracle, it looks like I’ll be going to my Christmas party solo for two years in a row… despite promises on his part denoting otherwise. I think he might honestly just be nervous to meet more people in my life and this might be his excuse. So I’ll just let him have it. Although he did come to my parents house for my birthday dinner with myself and the kids which was so nice of him. He met my parents for the first time and they loved him. He even went back the next day and lad lunch with my mom and worked on his resume alone with her… I can only imagine what they chatted about for that hour.

But anyways, I’ll probably also have to let the kids know that K won’t be coming to Christmas at my parents house on Christmas Eve because of this, which sucks because I know it’s my fault for getting their hopes up. It’s my fault for setting them up for disappointment, and I’ve learned my lesson. I just thought after a year and a half, I could trust him more.

I have only myself to blame for the feeling of hope my kids will lose. And as far as K and I go, if he wants to hold onto his anger, and won’t tell me what I did so I can at least get on the right track in rectifying it, then I just have to let him make his choice. If he chooses to stay mad, and not communicate, I will have nothing left but to choose to retreat.

Because at this point I see no other option.


-Shinedown/Second Chance-