It’s My Party, And I’ll Cry If I Want To Cry If I Want To, Cry If I Want To You Would Cry Too If It Happened To You

I just woke up from the most ridiculous dream. Actually more like a nightmare if it were to ever occur in real life.

My kids birthdays are coming up soon. Their birthdays are 9 days apart and so normally we celebrate together with one party which both are still fine with. Since the party will be coming up in a few weeks I finally started letting them discuss and plan how/what they would like to do and who they would like to invite yesterday. Well, the list was growing exponentially, especially with both their friends on it so after a dozen or so kids I had to say that we would only send invites to certain ones, if the top picks declined. Ruthless, but I live in a small house and you take 12 kids plus possible siblings and parents and us 3 and that’s a packed house. So the kids were fine with it.

So to my dream. I’m at home and all of the sudden the doorbell rings and it’s a few kids. I don’t even know who they are but they come running in the house and their parents are waving at me from their car and zoom off. I’m not sure what’s going on yet but one of the little boys really has to pee so I take him to a really fancy bathroom which I keep wondering how it made it’s way into my house. As we’re going there are more and more kids appearing along the way and some of them are dressed in costumes? In the back of my mind I can hear the doorbell continually ringing and I know there are more people arriving and some are bringing gifts and all the dads are doing drive by drop offs. Then a pair of moms come by in a sleezy Halloween costume. Like ones a sexy nurse and ones a sexy cowboy 😂. I’m just like common in it can’t get any weirder by now!

So the house is packed, and I have kids I don’t running around who I keep asking their names and they respond but I never quite hear it.

Finally it’s time for cake. And even thought in my dream I know it’s my kids birthday party by now, I haven’t seen them the whole time. We all just gather around a bunch of donuts and treats as I stress cut the donuts for the little kids so the don’t choke and everybody sings Happy Birthday to my kids who are nowhere to be seen.

Finally one dad braves to come to the party but he is useless. He insists on ‘helping’ me by making me a coffee, but he wants to make a new speciality coffee so that it’s ‘relaxing’ for me. When really all I need is for him to corral these feral kids and get them opening presents or staying away from the lake since they’re running wild. But instead he goes and grabs one of my nice vases to steam milk in, and makes a huge mess in the kitchen while only speaking to his 4 kids and ignoring all the other adults there. Ps. I never end up getting the coffee which I think about for the entirety of the dream. Especially since it seems everywhere I look I see a mess from his endeavours.

My house was a disaster. My kids were missing for their own party. The sexy moms started making out in the corner while coffee dude ate all the snacks and watched. Like I don’t think Hollywood could have produced more of a nightmare than that.

All in all, it was an ominous warning about hopefully what is not to come. And made me think twice about throwing a party at all 😉.


-It’s My Party/Lesley Gore

I Hope You Both Feel The Sparks By The End Of The Drive I Hope You Know She’s The One By The End Of The Night

I haven’t just written about what’s going on in my life lately.

Today, my kids are attending their official last day of school. Z is done grade 1 and Little E has completed grade 4. It seems necessary to mark this occasion after the whirlwind of a season we’ve been through in this last little while. But I can now say they’ve officially, and quite successfully made it! Most of their marks being above average. I’m not a fan of the marking system the schools here use. There are no letters or percentages given out, it’s like a sentence rating. Which I don’t see as better per say. Like there are 3 preset sentences the teacher can choose from but we all know they basically represent a grade or level of achievement. Like ‘meeting expectations’ or ‘ exceeding expectations’ etc. We all know they are just place holders for the grade or level of achievement the child has obtained. My kids have been doing more than fine with them working above grade level in a few courses, so I’m not concerned. My point is does it really make it better to have it written out point blank ‘you are not meeting the expectations’ and have the gut feeling you’re not good enough or to see like a C grade or something and just be like ok. Cool. Whatever. Do better next time maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a teacher (I dropped out of university when I had Little E) but I think the letters were fine.

Wow didn’t think I’d go in about that lol. Anyway my kids are excited for the summer. Not like it’ll make a difference to our routine much. We’ve been at the beach so much already since I’ve been working from home and the Covid junk has been going on. We have our private beach at the park which makes living in a trailer park worth all the embarrassing feelings I have almost worth it. All the camps and sports I had the kiddos signed up for during the summer have been canceled so basically I just went and bought some fun new water floatys and plan on relaxing all day erryday in the lake.

As far as how I’m doing personally? Decent I guess. It’s two fold. As a regular shmegular human, I think I’m doing quite successful. My kids are well behaved and joyful. They have friends and are happy and pleasant. I have a nice house and a car that runs however I need to still get the air conditioner fixed that my sister broke last summer. I have a good secure job that pays well and is more than flexible. I live in a beautiful town with gorgeous views and neighbours who both keep to themselves as well as keep an eye out on my kids and bring over gifts and flowers/veggies/fruits from their garden for us.

So really, pretty good. But I’m lonely. And the worst part about all this is I have offers for dates and I’ve been out with guys, but it feels inauthentic because I’m still in love with K. To the point I’ve had to explain it to one guy because he kept pestering me as to why I didn’t want to be with him. As crappy as K was to me sometimes, part of me can’t move on with anyone else because of that weird connection we made. But what makes it worse is the sense that it’s completely one sided and I know there’s nothing that I can do about it except have my own feeling regarding the situation. No one is holding my hand to the fire saying I can’t move on and have a relationship with someone else. In fact most would probably recommend it. And to them I would say, I’ve tried. I went on those few dates. I even went so far as to sleep with other guys. But it was empty and even gross. Like I was trying to prove something to myself that I could be ok and create a emotion and feeling for another person. But there was nothing. Nothing except thoughts of how it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as good. It felt even disloyal. It made me feel dirty.

So even thought it’s been years, and I still cry about him ohhhh at least 4-5 times a week, I’ve at least learned that I don’t want anyone else. For me, I think that’s a good place to be. A good thing to have learned. No, it obviously doesn’t mean his feelings change in anyway, but I can grow in my life by understanding that I don’t have to be paired with another man. I know who I love, and I can rest in that peace. Where the loneliness comes from is staying loyal to my choice of not pairing up with random men while I stay true to myself and my understanding of who I love. So I’m not saying I’m just going to live my life waiting for him to love me. What I’m saying is I know who I love and who effects my life in the most beautiful way and because of that I can peacefully put the search for a partner aside and live the rest of my life to the fullest in this moment.


-I Hope/Gabby Barrett-

This Is For The Question Marks / Together We Are Dangerous Together With Our Differences

I had a terrible…. ‘thing’ happen Saturday night. I want to say nightmare but I wasn’t sleeping. I wish more than anything right now that it was a dream, but I was wiiiiiiide awake unfortunately. Which makes it all the more terrifying.

To be honest I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over. Because it all felt to real. It’s like to realities merged together in some very scary mind bending alternate universe but at the same time it was in my head. Yet out of my head since it happened to me/with me. Ugh this shits to hard to write to explain. There aren’t words enough to do it justice. It’s like either you feel and experience it or you don’t.

But there I was in the moment and I was understanding someone else’s thoughts. Like I was living the things he was thinking of doing to me. It was horrible and terrible and disgusting and morbid, yet in that moment I couldn’t pull myself out because I didn’t realize it wasn’t this true reality to me in that time. I went from relaxing one moment to experiencing all these feelings and emotions and sensations that were not of me but the guy I was with. And it wasn’t until I was able to find my own thoughts and control my own mind purely, that in one horrible rush, all the energy of his rushed away from me. Like I melted away from myself and the experience zoomed down from my head to my toes and the room melted into the place I had seen when I first walked in. All the things I had been seeing in less than an instant rushed back into his mind and he lay there still. Not a care in the world. Not a clue that I had just seen and experience everything I think he was thinking. Because I KNOW I didn’t make those thoughts on my own.

I was beyond scared. I was immobile. I could hardly breathe. I wanted to cry and scream and melt away into nothing. But as my breath returned and I calmed down, I’ve began to think long and hard about that time. And the seemingly countless others I’ve now come to have in the past with various others. Sure perception probably plays a role in this somehow but today I’m focused on how I experienced his thoughts.

And for me, it boils down to this.

The collective consciousness.

There is no proof that our thoughts are maintained in the brain. Maybe they are produced there, but a thought is not a tangible thing that must be stored within a body as most would assume until now. If I have been able to clear my thoughts and solve the majority of issues I’ve been handed in my life so far to a point that I’ve have no qualms with others. No issues of contention with others thoughts, then it could stand to reason that I would have a clear path in my consciousness that would allow me to easily access the thoughts/consciousness of others.

This, however, has not been enjoyable for me. If you’ve read my blog for a while, like a few years, you know this journey of consciousness has been a long and tough one. I don’t think it’s something that can be achieved overnight. We have years of thoughts built up in this physical lifetime, not to mention however much pain etc may be passed down through DNA and what not. Then on top of that, I now risk exposing myself in times of vulnerability to others minds without meaning or wanting to. Plus, I highly doubt some people want their thoughts that must be on the outer edge of their minds that they’ve hidden in the deepest darkest part away from their centre to be exposed and viewed by others without permission.

In a way, it’s a beautiful thing to consider and hope for and believe in. But… I think in general people would want to start cleaning up their own thoughts before they know they may be experienced by an outsider.

But that’s just my personal opinion. I know I’ll be working on what I think even in the darkest recesses of my mind, in the unknown. On the off chance it may be touching someone else’s mind and affecting them.

I have been working on it. And will continue to with every conscious thought I make.


-Together/Kirk Franklin, Tori Kelly & FOR KING AND COUNTRY-

Stay With Me Let’s Just Breathe / Did I Say That I Need You? Did I Say That I Want You?

My, oh my. Work this week was… interesting to say the very least. So to give some context (not that it makes what happened better, but you’ll understand more) I work in a small office. A very small office. Just myself, my coworker J, and my boss A. A’s wife comes in maybe once a week for a few hours to help out with filing etc which is important for the story. A himself? Works random hours at best. Which as a whole I couldn’t care less about, since J and I have literally everything else in the office handled between the two of us. So he basically comes in spends a few hours on Facebook, maybe makes a call or two, goes to yoga at lunch and heads out by 1. Not a problem. The problem started arising last week when J was on vacation. When I started at this company (3 years ago this month) A and J did the same job and slowly A’s been giving all of that over to J to handle. I don’t deal with any of that aspect. He only jumps in when there’s to much for her or, like last week when she’s away. Me? I’ve never done that job. I was hired for a completely different position and although I know what they do, because I’m in the office all day with J, I’ve never done it, A has.

So jump to last week. J’s on holidays all week and A is in office to cover her position…. supposedly. But the thing is he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on with anything, since he’s been practically AWOL since we moved to Kelowna. He had a two hour meeting with Janet before she left to go over all the details and review everything that needed to be done (by him) and said he was good to go, but when it got down to brass tacks, he was clueless. So EVERY situation that comes up he’s asking me how to deal with it. Where to find this, how to solve this, what’s the answer to this. Everything. And it was getting tense since he had the audacity to get frustrated, because I didn’t know things I wasn’t required to know, and it made him look like an idiot when dealing with our clients. But we made it through the week.

Cut to this week. J’s back, we’re all here, everything should be fine. Well there’s another situation where A asked me to handle something (this time it was within my job description) and I needed to log in to the CRA. I asked J for her login information (A and J have more logins than me since they’ve been working there longer, so I just use theirs for business things instead of us setting up more) and so she comes to my computer to try and login, no questions asked but it’s not working. So I ask A if he could come to my computer to login for CRA purposes. He messages me saying that doesn’t make sense to him and to come to his office. So I get frustrated. How can it not make sense? It makes sense to me! It made sense to J no issue, and I explained it to both of them exactly the same way. And so now I was just annoyed at how nothing in the WHOLE DAMN OFFICE MADE SENSE TO MR BIG BOSS MAN!!!! How can you claim to be the owner of a business, making the big bucks and you have no idea how literally nothing is working? It was my breaking point. I was so frustrated after almost two weeks of dealing with having to explain everything to him but in a way that had to be super respectful so I don’t get fired, to a man who was oblivious, but should know, and claims to know the most. Why is the world like this? Why do people who have no clue, continue to earn top dollar when their contribution is less than stellar? These were my thoughts as I walked to his office. Annoyed that I had to go to his office for one, since my very simple request was for him to come to my computer and login there. And if ANYTHING, once I explained it to his very simple man mind, he would have to be situated at my computer to sign in.

So I walk down the hall, thinking all these thoughts, and get to his office to explain why in detail I need to complete the request he originally asked me to do anyways, and he’s like I sense your agitated (or some other word I can’t remember now) either way he then proceeded to say “why don’t you take a breath and calm down“. WHAT THE FUCK. No. Nope nooooooo. So I said, A, (and now for the part I’m embarrassed about) I’m having a bad day (because in our society you can’t just be mad at your boss without risking your job, so I prefaced it with something else having to be wrong not just him being an ass, when in reality my day had been perfectly fine apart from him, but anyways moving on) A you cannot talk to me like that (that part I’m proud of) and then I walked outta his office saying we could discuss the work thing later, behind my shoulder on my way down the hall. I heard him say “your right” about him not being able to talk to me like that which I was very glad about.

I think he’d become to at home in the office with his wife being there and J who just rolls over at everything he says, that no one stands up to him. So I walked back to my desk and worked on something else for a while. About 45 minutes later he messaged me saying we’d have to discuss the work issue when I was ready, but sooner rather than later. I was fine by then. So I finished up what I was doing, since I was no in no rush to deal with him, and went to his office where we discussed purely work and I could tell he was being VERY careful with his wording, pausing every now and then to catch himself and think and there was no mention of the situation. We handled work and that was that for the day. Albeit a very tense day, there was no talk of what had transpired.

The next day he was very kind, asking all about how things are going, hows the family, hows Benjamin (my cat) my parents, what are the kids up to etc. Of course he obviously thinks something is super wrong in my personal life since I’m usually extremely calm and collected at work and have never lost my cool, or talked to him, or anyone in the office like that. But I’m just like let him sweat it out for a while. He also invited us all out for sushi that next day for lunch and was all chatty and nice. Obviously I noticed, but I know it won’t change how much work he maintains in the office. One, because I was to scared to actually tell him what the issue was. Two because people are who the are, and they act that way because they think it’s the best for them, and even if someone else tells them what their doing is wrong, they most likely won’t change unless they decide for themselves it’s and issue.

Does him being all friendly now change what happened? No, but I think it was good for me to let out that frustration. Could I have done it in a healthier way? Probably. But I’m new to this whole sharing my feelings thing. At least I was aware of what the issue was on how he was making me feel. We were able to move on, no one was fired, and maybe he’ll think twice about telling me how to breathe 😡😤. But do I think he will change how much work he does in the office because of it? Obviously not because I never told him that was the issue. Do I feel better about saying he couldn’t talk to me that way? 100%. Because even though nothing will change as far as work load and his incompetency, he will know there has to be boundaries in what he can, and cannot say to me in the very least.

And I count that as a win.

Even if he is still an idiot, he will be an idiot who won’t tell me when to breathe.


-Just Breathe / Pearl Jam-

I Heard Her Praying / And The Tears That She Shed Still They Still Linger In My Head

Heads up, on Little E’s iPad again so prep for an awful lay out since I’m not tech savvy enough to attempt to figure out how to fix this. Each time I click return to start a new paragraph it starts a new post instead 🤔. Okay, so last night…. last night last night last night. Woooooooweee. To start, yesterday I was doing a little reading here on WordPress and I found a blog that mentioned the word Kundalini. I had no idea what it meant. So I dived down the deep dark web (mainly a Wikipedia post, so not that thrilling) to learn what I could about it. I’d recommend you do your own research if you’re interested in the topic, but basically it’s a form of divine energy associated with the divine feminine. I read a few articles on it, and was like yep, I’m going to have my Kundalini experience. Well, welllll well wellllll. I went to bed last night early and laid in bed and I’m gonna be completely honest with you all, I was so sexually aroused. The whole day since reading the articles and discovering this idea, I was horny. There is no way to sugar coat it. I was thinking sexual thoughts, I wanted to go masturbate in the bathroom at work (I didn’t) I was drawn to the idea of watching porn (I never do). Like I was a regular horn dog. Throughout the day it subsided until I got home and did my motherly duties and fed the kids dinner and got them into bed, but then my mind was over whelmed with thoughts of giving my body sexual pleasure again. So I locked up the house of the night and went to my room, locked the door and got into bed. By 7:30 at night 🤔. Like I was so ready for this. I wasn’t even thinking Kundalini anymore, I was just ready to grab my toys and have the best time with myself that I had ever had. And so I began. Show and steady, head full of stories I head read through the day, most about forced orgasms and such tbh, I can’t remember whose blog I had ended up on while hella horny earlier that day, but she had tons of great experience that leant a huge hand to my horniness. At some point I can’t remember exactly when, but my mind went from guiding my hands to something completely different. It was scary, and relieving all at the same time. The whole kundalini divine feminine energy stuff I mentioned? Well, I’m pretty sure I experience it. In the most indescribable way ever. I felt like my body was ripped in two from the vagina up but not in a painful way. Like energy was coursing through me. But then, it change into me being aware my lower half of my body was laying on the bed orgasaming, but the upper half of my was divided into three parts. One was connected to a friend and the reality of this world, one was screaming. Really physically screaming and crying. Like all the pain of my life was escaping in that moment and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was panicking and crying and my sounds were not my own. I couldn’t stop it, but I could hear a voice reassuring me that it was for the better. That this was a healing process. The third part was laughing hysterically. And uncontrollable laughter was escaping my lips at the same time as the scream and the crying and the pain and the tears. My mind was in a panic yet I could hear a presence comforting me, letting know that this was healing and that the energy that was coursing through me was needed, to return to its rightful place. After what seemed like minutes ( probably closer to 30-40 seconds) of panic and crying and screaming and pain being released my body was able to come together. The three facets that my mind had been parted into slowly curled into each other and created my brain and held me close and comforted me in aftercare of this experience. My body whimpered and shivered and yet felt so pure and free, while at the same time safe. So while this was the most fearful journey to go on, it was also in the aftermath, very wholesome and enjoyable, at least once complete. The guiding voice reassured me that energies would be placed where needed and that the journey was not over yet, although something like that, that pain, and that release, would not happen in such majesty again. I had such a wonderful sleep last night, void of dreams which is unusual for me. Normally, at least within the past few years since my experiences have began, I’ve been dreaming a few lucid dreams each night. But last night was straight sleep all the way through and I woke this morning feeling refreshed. I even noticed I slept in a new position that I’d never done before, which although not profound, worth mentioning. So, all in all, another interesting night on my journey to healing.


-High Tide Or Low Tide/Bob Marley-