Stay With Me Let’s Just Breathe / Did I Say That I Need You? Did I Say That I Want You?

My, oh my. Work this week was… interesting to say the very least. So to give some context (not that it makes what happened better, but you’ll understand more) I work in a small office. A very small office. Just myself, my coworker J, and my boss A. A’s wife comes in maybe once a week for a few hours to help out with filing etc which is important for the story. A himself? Works random hours at best. Which as a whole I couldn’t care less about, since J and I have literally everything else in the office handled between the two of us. So he basically comes in spends a few hours on Facebook, maybe makes a call or two, goes to yoga at lunch and heads out by 1. Not a problem. The problem started arising last week when J was on vacation. When I started at this company (3 years ago this month) A and J did the same job and slowly A’s been giving all of that over to J to handle. I don’t deal with any of that aspect. He only jumps in when there’s to much for her or, like last week when she’s away. Me? I’ve never done that job. I was hired for a completely different position and although I know what they do, because I’m in the office all day with J, I’ve never done it, A has.

So jump to last week. J’s on holidays all week and A is in office to cover her position…. supposedly. But the thing is he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on with anything, since he’s been practically AWOL since we moved to Kelowna. He had a two hour meeting with Janet before she left to go over all the details and review everything that needed to be done (by him) and said he was good to go, but when it got down to brass tacks, he was clueless. So EVERY situation that comes up he’s asking me how to deal with it. Where to find this, how to solve this, what’s the answer to this. Everything. And it was getting tense since he had the audacity to get frustrated, because I didn’t know things I wasn’t required to know, and it made him look like an idiot when dealing with our clients. But we made it through the week.

Cut to this week. J’s back, we’re all here, everything should be fine. Well there’s another situation where A asked me to handle something (this time it was within my job description) and I needed to log in to the CRA. I asked J for her login information (A and J have more logins than me since they’ve been working there longer, so I just use theirs for business things instead of us setting up more) and so she comes to my computer to try and login, no questions asked but it’s not working. So I ask A if he could come to my computer to login for CRA purposes. He messages me saying that doesn’t make sense to him and to come to his office. So I get frustrated. How can it not make sense? It makes sense to me! It made sense to J no issue, and I explained it to both of them exactly the same way. And so now I was just annoyed at how nothing in the WHOLE DAMN OFFICE MADE SENSE TO MR BIG BOSS MAN!!!! How can you claim to be the owner of a business, making the big bucks and you have no idea how literally nothing is working? It was my breaking point. I was so frustrated after almost two weeks of dealing with having to explain everything to him but in a way that had to be super respectful so I don’t get fired, to a man who was oblivious, but should know, and claims to know the most. Why is the world like this? Why do people who have no clue, continue to earn top dollar when their contribution is less than stellar? These were my thoughts as I walked to his office. Annoyed that I had to go to his office for one, since my very simple request was for him to come to my computer and login there. And if ANYTHING, once I explained it to his very simple man mind, he would have to be situated at my computer to sign in.

So I walk down the hall, thinking all these thoughts, and get to his office to explain why in detail I need to complete the request he originally asked me to do anyways, and he’s like I sense your agitated (or some other word I can’t remember now) either way he then proceeded to say “why don’t you take a breath and calm down“. WHAT THE FUCK. No. Nope nooooooo. So I said, A, (and now for the part I’m embarrassed about) I’m having a bad day (because in our society you can’t just be mad at your boss without risking your job, so I prefaced it with something else having to be wrong not just him being an ass, when in reality my day had been perfectly fine apart from him, but anyways moving on) A you cannot talk to me like that (that part I’m proud of) and then I walked outta his office saying we could discuss the work thing later, behind my shoulder on my way down the hall. I heard him say “your right” about him not being able to talk to me like that which I was very glad about.

I think he’d become to at home in the office with his wife being there and J who just rolls over at everything he says, that no one stands up to him. So I walked back to my desk and worked on something else for a while. About 45 minutes later he messaged me saying we’d have to discuss the work issue when I was ready, but sooner rather than later. I was fine by then. So I finished up what I was doing, since I was no in no rush to deal with him, and went to his office where we discussed purely work and I could tell he was being VERY careful with his wording, pausing every now and then to catch himself and think and there was no mention of the situation. We handled work and that was that for the day. Albeit a very tense day, there was no talk of what had transpired.

The next day he was very kind, asking all about how things are going, hows the family, hows Benjamin (my cat) my parents, what are the kids up to etc. Of course he obviously thinks something is super wrong in my personal life since I’m usually extremely calm and collected at work and have never lost my cool, or talked to him, or anyone in the office like that. But I’m just like let him sweat it out for a while. He also invited us all out for sushi that next day for lunch and was all chatty and nice. Obviously I noticed, but I know it won’t change how much work he maintains in the office. One, because I was to scared to actually tell him what the issue was. Two because people are who the are, and they act that way because they think it’s the best for them, and even if someone else tells them what their doing is wrong, they most likely won’t change unless they decide for themselves it’s and issue.

Does him being all friendly now change what happened? No, but I think it was good for me to let out that frustration. Could I have done it in a healthier way? Probably. But I’m new to this whole sharing my feelings thing. At least I was aware of what the issue was on how he was making me feel. We were able to move on, no one was fired, and maybe he’ll think twice about telling me how to breathe 😡😤. But do I think he will change how much work he does in the office because of it? Obviously not because I never told him that was the issue. Do I feel better about saying he couldn’t talk to me that way? 100%. Because even though nothing will change as far as work load and his incompetency, he will know there has to be boundaries in what he can, and cannot say to me in the very least.

And I count that as a win.

Even if he is still an idiot, he will be an idiot who won’t tell me when to breathe.


-Just Breathe / Pearl Jam-

I Heard Her Praying / And The Tears That She Shed Still They Still Linger In My Head

Heads up, on Little E’s iPad again so prep for an awful lay out since I’m not tech savvy enough to attempt to figure out how to fix this. Each time I click return to start a new paragraph it starts a new post instead 🤔. Okay, so last night…. last night last night last night. Woooooooweee. To start, yesterday I was doing a little reading here on WordPress and I found a blog that mentioned the word Kundalini. I had no idea what it meant. So I dived down the deep dark web (mainly a Wikipedia post, so not that thrilling) to learn what I could about it. I’d recommend you do your own research if you’re interested in the topic, but basically it’s a form of divine energy associated with the divine feminine. I read a few articles on it, and was like yep, I’m going to have my Kundalini experience. Well, welllll well wellllll. I went to bed last night early and laid in bed and I’m gonna be completely honest with you all, I was so sexually aroused. The whole day since reading the articles and discovering this idea, I was horny. There is no way to sugar coat it. I was thinking sexual thoughts, I wanted to go masturbate in the bathroom at work (I didn’t) I was drawn to the idea of watching porn (I never do). Like I was a regular horn dog. Throughout the day it subsided until I got home and did my motherly duties and fed the kids dinner and got them into bed, but then my mind was over whelmed with thoughts of giving my body sexual pleasure again. So I locked up the house of the night and went to my room, locked the door and got into bed. By 7:30 at night 🤔. Like I was so ready for this. I wasn’t even thinking Kundalini anymore, I was just ready to grab my toys and have the best time with myself that I had ever had. And so I began. Show and steady, head full of stories I head read through the day, most about forced orgasms and such tbh, I can’t remember whose blog I had ended up on while hella horny earlier that day, but she had tons of great experience that leant a huge hand to my horniness. At some point I can’t remember exactly when, but my mind went from guiding my hands to something completely different. It was scary, and relieving all at the same time. The whole kundalini divine feminine energy stuff I mentioned? Well, I’m pretty sure I experience it. In the most indescribable way ever. I felt like my body was ripped in two from the vagina up but not in a painful way. Like energy was coursing through me. But then, it change into me being aware my lower half of my body was laying on the bed orgasaming, but the upper half of my was divided into three parts. One was connected to a friend and the reality of this world, one was screaming. Really physically screaming and crying. Like all the pain of my life was escaping in that moment and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was panicking and crying and my sounds were not my own. I couldn’t stop it, but I could hear a voice reassuring me that it was for the better. That this was a healing process. The third part was laughing hysterically. And uncontrollable laughter was escaping my lips at the same time as the scream and the crying and the pain and the tears. My mind was in a panic yet I could hear a presence comforting me, letting know that this was healing and that the energy that was coursing through me was needed, to return to its rightful place. After what seemed like minutes ( probably closer to 30-40 seconds) of panic and crying and screaming and pain being released my body was able to come together. The three facets that my mind had been parted into slowly curled into each other and created my brain and held me close and comforted me in aftercare of this experience. My body whimpered and shivered and yet felt so pure and free, while at the same time safe. So while this was the most fearful journey to go on, it was also in the aftermath, very wholesome and enjoyable, at least once complete. The guiding voice reassured me that energies would be placed where needed and that the journey was not over yet, although something like that, that pain, and that release, would not happen in such majesty again. I had such a wonderful sleep last night, void of dreams which is unusual for me. Normally, at least within the past few years since my experiences have began, I’ve been dreaming a few lucid dreams each night. But last night was straight sleep all the way through and I woke this morning feeling refreshed. I even noticed I slept in a new position that I’d never done before, which although not profound, worth mentioning. So, all in all, another interesting night on my journey to healing.


-High Tide Or Low Tide/Bob Marley-

No I’ll Never Leave You So Lift Up Your Voice And Sing

Hey. It’s been a while. Not that I haven’t had anything to say, more along the lines I had too much to talk about that it became overwhelming and I had no real storyline and not a clear thought of where to start. Life is always busy and stressful as I’m sure you can relate. Even just getting up an out the the door in the morning can be hectic and seem more than I’m capable of some days. But then other days I feel like, yeah I’m on top of the world. But in the in between days, in the monotonous times, I feel why bother writing? There’s nothing that makes me stand out from the rest. Nothing extravagant and special that should make me stand out from the rest. Nothing different that would make my story interesting enough to others to read. Yet I see readers checking my site all the time even though I haven’t posted in over a month, and I think, well maybe I did have something intriguing that people wanted to hear about. Maybe they did want to hear the story about when Z had to get stitched last week after she slipped at school. Or maybe people around the globe want to know how conversion Little E and I had this week about the hard thing I overcame in which I told him about the choice to leave his dad. We’ve been working through a big life journal I got each of the kids for Christmas and each week it has a different topic we discuss. This week was overcoming a hard thing in life. Anyways after I reviewed the situation with him, he shared his feelings of how he felt sorry for E and how it wasn’t his fault. I had to sit there biting my tongue. I wanted to cry. After all I’d been through he felt bad for him? After all I’ve done for you over the past six years you choose his side? But I remained calm and had to understand that he wasn’t taking a shot at me, he was more showing compassion for E regarding his mental health issues which I was explaining for the twentieth time. I realized Little E in that moment showed more maturity than many adults by showing sympathy for another human instead of jumping to anger. So I had to do the same. But most likely, the readers who are checking in, want to know what’ new in the world of consciousness. I know this because last night was the most important, fresh, scary, real, and knowledge filled experience yet. Which is why I’m writing. (Sorry for the awful grammar but I’m on my sons iPad and I can’t space and make new paragraphs for some reason). Anyways, so last night, I smoked some weed for the first time this year. I had been holding off for a while now because of what I had chopped up to paranoia. But I just felt a huge desire to last night. Not in a craving way. Not in a addicting way. Not in a “if I don’t get this I’m gonna go crazy way”. Just a peaceful pull. Also before I continue, or in the middle or it doesn’t matter where I mention this it’s all together, I’ll say I started going back to church in the fall sometime. It’s been wonderful. Well the preaching is not the best but the worship is what I’ve been missing. It’s like I can get to a point where the world melts away and it’s just me and …. the everything of the world holding me. Actually more accurately I’m not even there. So when I say I’m floating, “I’m” is just the knowledge of me. And the remembrance of when the music is done, to come back to the body I maintain. Anyways, back to last night. I smoked the smallest bit of weed. And turned on some familiar music videos that I enjoy singing to. Normal weed induced high followed, until the voices weren’t coming from the phone, they came in a quick instant from my head. SAY WHAT? Yeah🤯. So I turned right quick and listened, and the voices in the tone of who had been talking on the phone continued in my head. Weird, crazy talk you’re thinking. You’re assuming it’s a standard high. Weed paranoia, you think. Until the voices closed in around me and melted my room. I reached out to touch my walls and they weren’t there. I placed my hands in front of me and the bed was not below me. I felt my cat (can’t remember if I told you all we adopted a cat in the fall…. he poops everywhere 🤬) with one hand and he went in and out with my thoughts. If I thought him there, like if I remembered him, I could touch him, but I had to think, like actually think the thought that cats purr, and then I would hear him. Like my thoughts were only being produced through the small tunnel between my outstretched hands. They were no longer coming from my head, where my thoughts normally originate. It’s like I could change the source of my thoughts and how many I thought at once. Like tunnel vision or something, but so very narrow and controlled to think the very minimum of 3-4 at once. The ticking of the clock dissolved. The blackness of my room was gone. There was no light, no dark, no time, no fear, no pain, no past hurt. Not even the acknowledgement of my body or the room I was in, Like it was just the very minimalistic thought of my fingertips, not even my hands or arms attached, but just my fingers reaching out for the cat. And then in an instant, I wasn’t even my fingers. I rolled off the tips of my fingers and was held in the consciousness of the world. And the voice of the world which was not my own spoke to me. Confirming to me that it would hold me there, to make sure this time I remember. Because apparently the last few times it has tried to teach me that there was more than me I didn’t fully believe. Maybe because if my immense hurt. Maybe because if the huge walls I’d placed. Maybe because of the doubt in the world. It doesn’t matter, the maybes are endless. What matters is that I was held there. Long enough to remember, but not long enough to be fearful of not returning this time. And I was told I’m loved. Among so many other things. I was told I’m loved. And that each of our journeys is different. And slowly but beautifully I was placed back in C’s body tied with a lovely bow and reminded I am loved and looked over always. And I recognized that in this life I have been looked after all along. Cared for and guided. There is an inner thought and an outer expression that work together, but in my life I wasn’t allowing the connection to take place. I severed the connection forever ago. But know I’ve felt the beauty it holds. Were there repairs that had to be made? Most definitely. I feel both side held animosity towards each other, which allowed damage to be made, but now we are beginning to understand each other better as we learn to listen, allowing the love to flow better to both sides, healing what it may. And it feels like everything I’ve been looking for.


-Closer Than You Know/Hillsong United-

Its Been Forever And I Can’t Forget You With Every Single Day, It Won’t Go Away

I haven’t forgotten about you.

It would be impossible though all this pain. As you twist my body in the midst of the night. Pulling me from within and dragging my innards inside out. Ripping whatever dignity I had left and leaving them to rot wherever you discard them. No.

I haven’t forgotten you.

In infinity it’s not possible. Try as I might. To forget my start. And the burden it holds deep from my beginnings. To where I cannot speak in fear of the retribution each single word I utter will carry in years to come.

Or has the the time of their sins already past? Had the debt for their iniquity already rolled through?

I haven’t forgotten you.

As much as I wish I could run away and leave this torturous journey behind, or better yet pretend it never happened, I cannot for no matter what I do I can’t push you from my mind. I cannot have one single solitary thought that stand alone anymore. Each word I think. Each sentence I ruminate on, is linked to a phrase you mentioned once. In times long ago.

I haven’t forgotten you.

You live in my head. And though I tried at first to make it a beautiful place for you, welcoming and peaceful, you turned it into a place that I myself could no longer abide.

I haven’t forgotten you.

Because each time I turn the corner I fear you are there. My thoughts turn to paranoia as you tell me you are on your way, but to me it has become…. you are here. Lurking. Watching.

I haven’t forgotten you.

Because I thought I could love you so much that I prayed to God for you. But then soon realized he had nothing to do with you so I bargained with the Devil instead. And wound up in hell myself.

I haven’t forgotten you.

I’ve been fighting for my mind ever since I met you and it makes me think what a burden you must have had to have had this feeling your whole life and to have thought this was the norm.

I haven’t forgotten you.

I don’t know how to get myself out of this fear in my mind, let alone both of us, which is what I so stupidly told the King of all Evil in the beginning to save you from a eternity of pain.

But I do know I haven’t forgotten you.

And I do know that good always wins. I just haven’t quite figured out how yet.


-Can’t Forget You/My Darkest Days-

Ya Ever Feel Like Your Train Of Thoughts Been Derailed? That’s When You Press On

I had a very memorable dream last night.

I was invited on a trip by a person, who was in one body, but in my dream I knew that physical body represented many figures in my life. The ones who stood out the most being K, then my mother, then my older sister R and E and a few friends, in that order.

They made a big deal about this journey we were about to embark on. Helping me pack my suitcase with beautiful items for this adventure. Making sure everything was prepared just so. Building up my anticipation, but no matter how many times I asked what the destination was I was ignored as they smiled knowingly.

I felt safe, and excited.

Then in an instant we were at the location where I assumed we were going to board the airplane. We bypassed the ‘commoners’ sitting in the waiting room since I was in the very best company and had been reassured that I deserved only the best. So I followed this person up an endless flight of stairs that became more opulent with each step. Every 5-10 steps there would be another person who would check my ticket or add a tag to my carry on bag, adding to the excitement. Each person ignoring my question of where am I going. Hostess offering complimentary drinks and men in suits willing to carry my bags as we climbed higher into the sky above the others seated in the waiting room below.

At this point I didn’t even know what the point of a plane would be I felt we were so high anyways, but finely the leading figure reached a door and opened it for me and I was more excited than I’ve felt in a long time. I followed the man I’ve trusted more than I should into what I assumed was a first class cabin to find my seat in this adventure.

But when we stepped inside, the lighting changed and the seats were like what you would find in a doctors office. Cold. Hard. Armless. I was led to my seat and told to wait here.

All of a sudden my bag was gone. My excitement was missing. My anticipation for comfort was slashed. It was just me. In a cold dark room filled with sick individuals.

Then I woke up.

And I realized that all the hype was for nothing.

I had been lead by false lies and hope to a barren room. And I had no one to blame but myself. I had trusted blindly. I didn’t demand answers. I let someone who had no investment in my future lead my way with zero consequence. Just slim hope that they would take me from the life I had created and make it better…. in whatever way they choose.

But the reality is we are all responsible for ourselves and our own actions. We must lead our own way. From the conscious action, to the unconscious thought.

Because they are connected and intertwined within our mind. So let’s be respectful of both sides of ourself and what we are looking for. Both within and without.

-Gym Class Hero’s/The Fighter-

Even When The Fight Is Won / Even When My Time On Earth Is Done / Even When It Makes No Sense To Sing

Sometimes I think about how difficult it would be to be ‘God’

I know that’s an unusual thought pattern, but have you ever considered it? What it would entail to create a whole universe? And the so far thankless job it has been?

I get it. Lately people have shrunk God down to a judgmental deity who sits on a throne and whose only job is to determine who gets to enter his realm of heaven upon death, which is also his responsibility if deemed unsuitable by human standards. And by default, if the soul is ‘unworthy or sinful or hasn’t chosen Jesus as the way’, cast them down to the lakes of eternal fire where good ol’ Satan does his thing.

Now keep in mind, all of this is according to us. Human beings have determined this as the limitations of God and that this is how the after life goes according to voices from God to prophets long ago and religious sects just… went with it? What if God, as we call the all powerful being, is so much more than that and has been trying to break through and reveal MORE of it’s energy and phenomenal self to individual beings for centuries now, but to believe in anything more than what was written long ago leads you to be called an extremist or crazy etc.

Like I’m not saying what’s in the Bible or any other religion’s Holy manuscript is false. What I’m alluding to, is the fact that we cannot contain GOD in a book. And there will always be more to him. Yes, “it is finished” but y’all are forgetting the part about how he returns. And how God wants to finish the great work that he started.

Who are we to determine how or when?

That’s what I mean by it must be so frustrating to be the actual source of power and creative thought behind everything in this place. You go through all that time and effort to create a beautiful journey for everything in this world both for yourself to enjoy. I would think as an infinite being,  you would get bored just chilling by yourself, so some company to interact with and watch would be nice. You liven things up a bit by allowing free will even though humans are dumb as fuck and mess things up on the daily. You allow forgiveness and mercy under one condition.

Yet people still assume they just…. got here on their own? Like they assume they are here ‘just because’ or somehow deep within themselves contain the power to create themselves? Like for real? Take a long hard look at yourself. I’m not talking while reading this post. I’m saying over the course of a year or two. Examine your life. Do you think you were able to create this WORLD and live within it on your own? If so… wow. But if you are able to really look deep within yourself. To your very first thought and action, I know you cannot prove where you came from. You have to acknowledge that your very presence on this earth came from a source that you should at least recognize.

I’m not here advocating for the God the Christians claim to worship, or Budda, or Allah or any other deity. I’m saying there has to be something deep inside of you that allowed you to start this journey.

To me, that has to be the one true God. But the thing is, when you look at the god all the religions talk about and worship, in a round about way, they speak on the same idea.  So why have people created separation and  division in a God that desires togetherness and healing. The annoyance that must have been sparked from the beginning to have so many different ideas emerge about how to worship and how to believe, must mean the idea of God has been around from the start. That would have allowed more time for the fractions to take place. But the starting thought is the same. There is one God. To be honest I highly doubt God/Budda/Allah/Etc gives a flying fuck what you call him/her/it. As long as you practice the principles laid out at the beginning of time/creation. Because the thing is, I’m sure God goes by all the names.

God

Time

Allah

Love

Peace

Budda

Zion

And the list goes on… infinity, because you see, God is in all things. God created all the words we think by allowing this world to take place and come together. ‘

So the frustration on his part must run so deep. Creating a beautiful earth for us to live and move freely, and us humans just go and mess it up so deeply out of our free will.

At least I know when my body gives out, I’ve recognized as much of the Godly power as my human mind is capable of and I know to God I will return. And then his ultimate peace and power will shape more in me than my human mind could ever fathom.

That’s what I’m living for. That’s when good wins.


-Hillsong United/ Even When It Hurts-

 

 

So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-