It’s My Party, And I’ll Cry If I Want To Cry If I Want To, Cry If I Want To You Would Cry Too If It Happened To You

I just woke up from the most ridiculous dream. Actually more like a nightmare if it were to ever occur in real life.

My kids birthdays are coming up soon. Their birthdays are 9 days apart and so normally we celebrate together with one party which both are still fine with. Since the party will be coming up in a few weeks I finally started letting them discuss and plan how/what they would like to do and who they would like to invite yesterday. Well, the list was growing exponentially, especially with both their friends on it so after a dozen or so kids I had to say that we would only send invites to certain ones, if the top picks declined. Ruthless, but I live in a small house and you take 12 kids plus possible siblings and parents and us 3 and that’s a packed house. So the kids were fine with it.

So to my dream. I’m at home and all of the sudden the doorbell rings and it’s a few kids. I don’t even know who they are but they come running in the house and their parents are waving at me from their car and zoom off. I’m not sure what’s going on yet but one of the little boys really has to pee so I take him to a really fancy bathroom which I keep wondering how it made it’s way into my house. As we’re going there are more and more kids appearing along the way and some of them are dressed in costumes? In the back of my mind I can hear the doorbell continually ringing and I know there are more people arriving and some are bringing gifts and all the dads are doing drive by drop offs. Then a pair of moms come by in a sleezy Halloween costume. Like ones a sexy nurse and ones a sexy cowboy 😂. I’m just like common in it can’t get any weirder by now!

So the house is packed, and I have kids I don’t running around who I keep asking their names and they respond but I never quite hear it.

Finally it’s time for cake. And even thought in my dream I know it’s my kids birthday party by now, I haven’t seen them the whole time. We all just gather around a bunch of donuts and treats as I stress cut the donuts for the little kids so the don’t choke and everybody sings Happy Birthday to my kids who are nowhere to be seen.

Finally one dad braves to come to the party but he is useless. He insists on ‘helping’ me by making me a coffee, but he wants to make a new speciality coffee so that it’s ‘relaxing’ for me. When really all I need is for him to corral these feral kids and get them opening presents or staying away from the lake since they’re running wild. But instead he goes and grabs one of my nice vases to steam milk in, and makes a huge mess in the kitchen while only speaking to his 4 kids and ignoring all the other adults there. Ps. I never end up getting the coffee which I think about for the entirety of the dream. Especially since it seems everywhere I look I see a mess from his endeavours.

My house was a disaster. My kids were missing for their own party. The sexy moms started making out in the corner while coffee dude ate all the snacks and watched. Like I don’t think Hollywood could have produced more of a nightmare than that.

All in all, it was an ominous warning about hopefully what is not to come. And made me think twice about throwing a party at all 😉.


-It’s My Party/Lesley Gore

I Hope You Both Feel The Sparks By The End Of The Drive I Hope You Know She’s The One By The End Of The Night

I haven’t just written about what’s going on in my life lately.

Today, my kids are attending their official last day of school. Z is done grade 1 and Little E has completed grade 4. It seems necessary to mark this occasion after the whirlwind of a season we’ve been through in this last little while. But I can now say they’ve officially, and quite successfully made it! Most of their marks being above average. I’m not a fan of the marking system the schools here use. There are no letters or percentages given out, it’s like a sentence rating. Which I don’t see as better per say. Like there are 3 preset sentences the teacher can choose from but we all know they basically represent a grade or level of achievement. Like ‘meeting expectations’ or ‘ exceeding expectations’ etc. We all know they are just place holders for the grade or level of achievement the child has obtained. My kids have been doing more than fine with them working above grade level in a few courses, so I’m not concerned. My point is does it really make it better to have it written out point blank ‘you are not meeting the expectations’ and have the gut feeling you’re not good enough or to see like a C grade or something and just be like ok. Cool. Whatever. Do better next time maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a teacher (I dropped out of university when I had Little E) but I think the letters were fine.

Wow didn’t think I’d go in about that lol. Anyway my kids are excited for the summer. Not like it’ll make a difference to our routine much. We’ve been at the beach so much already since I’ve been working from home and the Covid junk has been going on. We have our private beach at the park which makes living in a trailer park worth all the embarrassing feelings I have almost worth it. All the camps and sports I had the kiddos signed up for during the summer have been canceled so basically I just went and bought some fun new water floatys and plan on relaxing all day erryday in the lake.

As far as how I’m doing personally? Decent I guess. It’s two fold. As a regular shmegular human, I think I’m doing quite successful. My kids are well behaved and joyful. They have friends and are happy and pleasant. I have a nice house and a car that runs however I need to still get the air conditioner fixed that my sister broke last summer. I have a good secure job that pays well and is more than flexible. I live in a beautiful town with gorgeous views and neighbours who both keep to themselves as well as keep an eye out on my kids and bring over gifts and flowers/veggies/fruits from their garden for us.

So really, pretty good. But I’m lonely. And the worst part about all this is I have offers for dates and I’ve been out with guys, but it feels inauthentic because I’m still in love with K. To the point I’ve had to explain it to one guy because he kept pestering me as to why I didn’t want to be with him. As crappy as K was to me sometimes, part of me can’t move on with anyone else because of that weird connection we made. But what makes it worse is the sense that it’s completely one sided and I know there’s nothing that I can do about it except have my own feeling regarding the situation. No one is holding my hand to the fire saying I can’t move on and have a relationship with someone else. In fact most would probably recommend it. And to them I would say, I’ve tried. I went on those few dates. I even went so far as to sleep with other guys. But it was empty and even gross. Like I was trying to prove something to myself that I could be ok and create a emotion and feeling for another person. But there was nothing. Nothing except thoughts of how it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as good. It felt even disloyal. It made me feel dirty.

So even thought it’s been years, and I still cry about him ohhhh at least 4-5 times a week, I’ve at least learned that I don’t want anyone else. For me, I think that’s a good place to be. A good thing to have learned. No, it obviously doesn’t mean his feelings change in anyway, but I can grow in my life by understanding that I don’t have to be paired with another man. I know who I love, and I can rest in that peace. Where the loneliness comes from is staying loyal to my choice of not pairing up with random men while I stay true to myself and my understanding of who I love. So I’m not saying I’m just going to live my life waiting for him to love me. What I’m saying is I know who I love and who effects my life in the most beautiful way and because of that I can peacefully put the search for a partner aside and live the rest of my life to the fullest in this moment.


-I Hope/Gabby Barrett-

My Mama Loves, She Loves Me She Gets Down On Her Knees And Hugs Me She Loves Me Like A Rock She Rocks Me Like The Rock Of Ages

*** UPDATE *** I’ve linked my Instagram for pictures. Relevant to the post 😁****

Totally not the topic of my post but I’m at Starbucks writing this morning, since I’m meeting with a friend. Normally when I come and write here, I order my drink in a porcelain cup, you know to save the environment and not use a plastic cup and lid. So I order as per usual, and the barista says they aren’t serving in to-stay cups because of the corona virus. Like what? How will me not a WASHABLE MUG, that should be sanitized thoroughly with hot water and soap be helpful? Sure you don’t want to touch my germs (that I don’t have, since I’m not carrying the virus), but I would place the mug in a wash bucket/bin for you and you use gloves to put it in the dishwasher…. I truly fail to see the benefit of not serving drinks in them during this time other than adding to our pollution.

However, lol. That’s not the point of my blog today. Just a thought I have while writing. Another thought, was I figured out how to edit/make new paragraphs on Little E’s IPad, so I’m moving up in the world. Lol. What’s actually on my mind today, is the facts that we as a family went to the dentist a little while ago. While we were there the hygienist, who is of Asian decent (not normally a factor but plays into the story in a minor way, as a minority in our town plus with her accent) made a comment to me. She’s a very kind woman, maybe late twenties, early thirties with no kids of her own. We’ve been to the dentist a couple times now since moving so we’ve been chatting a bit, I mean as much as you can while your mouth is stuck open while your teeth are being cleaned. So this time, as I was on my way out she said, word for word as it made such and impact on me: “So you adopted your two kids” With such a sweet smile and an air of, oh what a kind thing I’d done to adopt two siblings of colour who must have been from a foreign country and probably are so much better off with me. I must be such a good lady, to have saved them from whatever war zone or something like that. Like I’d rescued them. That sort of tone/look on her face. So I figured if she was going to push the boundaries and make such a statement that was so inconsiderate, and thoughtless, then well… 🤯 I responded with: “No, they’re mine, I grew them in my belly and pushed them out my own vagina. Thanks for asking.” She was so red, rightfully so. And rushed to say it was because they don’t look like me. Ok. Ok, ok okaaaay. I know my kids aren’t like spitting images of me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be considered or thought of as much their mom as other parents who are moms and dads of kids who aren’t mixed race, or look more similar to their children. Or that obtuse people can judge my kids heritage and make them feel like they don’t belong. In fact, I may be more involved in my kids lives than many other parents who look more like their kids than I do. Looking the same as someone doesn’t automatically make you more a parental figure than me. Parenting takes time and effort. It takes imparting wisdom and listening to their deepest fears and helping the kids work through them. It takes years of hard work, trying to figure out how to pay for extra curricular activities on a single mom budget and nights crying alone in bed worrying about their future. It takes hours praying for them, hoping they will make good choices for their own lives, while knowing you can’t protect them from everything, but wishing you could. It takes prepping three meals a day, seven days a week and about a zillion snacks for years, which I’m sure continues even after they move out. It takes holding your tongue when they bring home friends you don’t agree with, then having conversations with them later about being an influential figure not the one influenced. It’s about wiping tears and giving hugs even if your hurting to. It’s about helping with homework even if they teach math stupidly now. It’s about 7:00 am Saturday morning hockey games and Sunday afternoon dance recitals. It’s about showing them love and connection. Its about teaching personal hygiene and sexual education and loving others as well as personal boundaries. It’s helping little humans self discover who they are and teaching them it’s ok to change, or not know. It’s explaining to them when to say sorry, and when to stand your ground. It’s helping them learn about emotion and safe ways to express them. It’s about creating a home environment where they feel safe to come home to when nowhere else in the world is listening to them. The list goes on, and for me, it’s about doing it all by myself. So, yes these are my biological kids, but I think being a parent can be for anyone who has consistently put in that effort, time and love into a child who needs it. So was I offended when the hygienist said that? Not so much offended as shocked. I just figured that in this day in age people wouldn’t be out making statements about others life’s so blatantly, without and background information or invite. Do I blame here for thinking that? Not necessarily, since she’s not far from the truth. My kids and I don’t look a ton alike. What I would do though, is caution her from making those comments so haphazardly in the future again. Other individuals may not take her tactless comments so lightly. I am basically the only parent my children have known, and I will teach them that looks now, and in the future will never matter. Because it is 100% on the inside what matters. -Loves Me Like A Rock/Paul Simon-

Stay With Me Let’s Just Breathe / Did I Say That I Need You? Did I Say That I Want You?

My, oh my. Work this week was… interesting to say the very least. So to give some context (not that it makes what happened better, but you’ll understand more) I work in a small office. A very small office. Just myself, my coworker J, and my boss A. A’s wife comes in maybe once a week for a few hours to help out with filing etc which is important for the story. A himself? Works random hours at best. Which as a whole I couldn’t care less about, since J and I have literally everything else in the office handled between the two of us. So he basically comes in spends a few hours on Facebook, maybe makes a call or two, goes to yoga at lunch and heads out by 1. Not a problem. The problem started arising last week when J was on vacation. When I started at this company (3 years ago this month) A and J did the same job and slowly A’s been giving all of that over to J to handle. I don’t deal with any of that aspect. He only jumps in when there’s to much for her or, like last week when she’s away. Me? I’ve never done that job. I was hired for a completely different position and although I know what they do, because I’m in the office all day with J, I’ve never done it, A has.

So jump to last week. J’s on holidays all week and A is in office to cover her position…. supposedly. But the thing is he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on with anything, since he’s been practically AWOL since we moved to Kelowna. He had a two hour meeting with Janet before she left to go over all the details and review everything that needed to be done (by him) and said he was good to go, but when it got down to brass tacks, he was clueless. So EVERY situation that comes up he’s asking me how to deal with it. Where to find this, how to solve this, what’s the answer to this. Everything. And it was getting tense since he had the audacity to get frustrated, because I didn’t know things I wasn’t required to know, and it made him look like an idiot when dealing with our clients. But we made it through the week.

Cut to this week. J’s back, we’re all here, everything should be fine. Well there’s another situation where A asked me to handle something (this time it was within my job description) and I needed to log in to the CRA. I asked J for her login information (A and J have more logins than me since they’ve been working there longer, so I just use theirs for business things instead of us setting up more) and so she comes to my computer to try and login, no questions asked but it’s not working. So I ask A if he could come to my computer to login for CRA purposes. He messages me saying that doesn’t make sense to him and to come to his office. So I get frustrated. How can it not make sense? It makes sense to me! It made sense to J no issue, and I explained it to both of them exactly the same way. And so now I was just annoyed at how nothing in the WHOLE DAMN OFFICE MADE SENSE TO MR BIG BOSS MAN!!!! How can you claim to be the owner of a business, making the big bucks and you have no idea how literally nothing is working? It was my breaking point. I was so frustrated after almost two weeks of dealing with having to explain everything to him but in a way that had to be super respectful so I don’t get fired, to a man who was oblivious, but should know, and claims to know the most. Why is the world like this? Why do people who have no clue, continue to earn top dollar when their contribution is less than stellar? These were my thoughts as I walked to his office. Annoyed that I had to go to his office for one, since my very simple request was for him to come to my computer and login there. And if ANYTHING, once I explained it to his very simple man mind, he would have to be situated at my computer to sign in.

So I walk down the hall, thinking all these thoughts, and get to his office to explain why in detail I need to complete the request he originally asked me to do anyways, and he’s like I sense your agitated (or some other word I can’t remember now) either way he then proceeded to say “why don’t you take a breath and calm down“. WHAT THE FUCK. No. Nope nooooooo. So I said, A, (and now for the part I’m embarrassed about) I’m having a bad day (because in our society you can’t just be mad at your boss without risking your job, so I prefaced it with something else having to be wrong not just him being an ass, when in reality my day had been perfectly fine apart from him, but anyways moving on) A you cannot talk to me like that (that part I’m proud of) and then I walked outta his office saying we could discuss the work thing later, behind my shoulder on my way down the hall. I heard him say “your right” about him not being able to talk to me like that which I was very glad about.

I think he’d become to at home in the office with his wife being there and J who just rolls over at everything he says, that no one stands up to him. So I walked back to my desk and worked on something else for a while. About 45 minutes later he messaged me saying we’d have to discuss the work issue when I was ready, but sooner rather than later. I was fine by then. So I finished up what I was doing, since I was no in no rush to deal with him, and went to his office where we discussed purely work and I could tell he was being VERY careful with his wording, pausing every now and then to catch himself and think and there was no mention of the situation. We handled work and that was that for the day. Albeit a very tense day, there was no talk of what had transpired.

The next day he was very kind, asking all about how things are going, hows the family, hows Benjamin (my cat) my parents, what are the kids up to etc. Of course he obviously thinks something is super wrong in my personal life since I’m usually extremely calm and collected at work and have never lost my cool, or talked to him, or anyone in the office like that. But I’m just like let him sweat it out for a while. He also invited us all out for sushi that next day for lunch and was all chatty and nice. Obviously I noticed, but I know it won’t change how much work he maintains in the office. One, because I was to scared to actually tell him what the issue was. Two because people are who the are, and they act that way because they think it’s the best for them, and even if someone else tells them what their doing is wrong, they most likely won’t change unless they decide for themselves it’s and issue.

Does him being all friendly now change what happened? No, but I think it was good for me to let out that frustration. Could I have done it in a healthier way? Probably. But I’m new to this whole sharing my feelings thing. At least I was aware of what the issue was on how he was making me feel. We were able to move on, no one was fired, and maybe he’ll think twice about telling me how to breathe 😡😤. But do I think he will change how much work he does in the office because of it? Obviously not because I never told him that was the issue. Do I feel better about saying he couldn’t talk to me that way? 100%. Because even though nothing will change as far as work load and his incompetency, he will know there has to be boundaries in what he can, and cannot say to me in the very least.

And I count that as a win.

Even if he is still an idiot, he will be an idiot who won’t tell me when to breathe.


-Just Breathe / Pearl Jam-

We Don’t Fit In Well Cause We Are Just Ourselves / You Look Stunning Dear

Z has her first crush and it is adorable. It’s one of Little E’s basketball teammates and friends from school named Tyson. He’s a very friendly boy and when he’s over to play they include Z which she obviously loves. Over the weekend she had told me that she only likes two boys, Little E and Tyson and I said that’s fine you don’t have to like all the boys, as long as you are kind to them. But last night at basketball practice I saw her crush in action for the first time and realized it was more than just an ‘I like him the way I like my brother’

It was a quick water break and Tyson came to grab his water bottle from beside where we were sitting, which I should note that Z had brought for him since he had forgotten it at school, so she made sure to save it for him and brought it full of fresh water to practice. Anyways, Tyson comes to grab a drink and Z says hi Tyson with the slight giggle and smile and all the innocence of a 6 year old girl crushing on a 9 year old boy with me sitting right there. And Tyson being the wonderful kid he is says hi Z and has his drink with a smile. Then she kinda giggles and looks back at me. Then Tyson calls her name again and we both look and he’s making a silly face at her which she loves (oh kids) and he runs back on to the court.

I thought it was the most adorable things ever to see the whole interaction. How sweet and innocent and friendly they both were. Tyson’s a great kid. He’s also the boy who after dinner at our house announced he was excited to go through puberty one day (I can’t remember if I blogged about that or just texted his mom laughing so hard about it) he’s an only child but well rounded and a good friend to Little E and apparently Z too.

I’m looking forward to what this grows into.

When his mom showed up to pick him up for practice we chatted for a bit and I mentioned that Z had a little crush. Her response surprised me. His mom and I have become acquaintances throughout this school year and she’s been over for coffee a couple times but it takes time to really know a person right? So when she said ‘Oh that’s ok, I’d be cool with a little colour in the bloodline’ or something along those lines. I was completely thrown off. She went on about how their pale Scottish skin could use some colour etc but I wasn’t really listening at that point anymore.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that my kids would face this kind of racism in their life. Subtle. But extremely there. Words that don’t need to be said and can be hurtful.

All it is, is a harmless crush between kids. There was no need to bring melanin into it. And to have that be your first reaction must mean it’s near the forefront of your thoughts. As opposed to the innocence and beauty of the relationship forming, your thoughts jumped to colour. I dunno. Not the best foot to put forward in my opinion.

So. I just felt it was the cutest moment on the kids part I wanted to share. And hope that as they grow older they learn healthy ways of interacting with each other. That help each other grow into beautiful human beings. Weather they end up together or not.


-Beautiful People/Ed Sheeran-