Let’s Go Don’t Wait This Night’s Almost Over

So, in a world filled with COVID-19, I’m going to write my first post in over a month and not mention it at all… well at least not again lol. I’m going to tell all of you who have been checking my site on the daily (yeah I browse my stats, I see y’all, thanks for your dedication. It’s obviously more than I had to my writing this past little while) about my date.

That’s right I said it. I, the previously undateable girl, went on a date. An organic, non-online tinder-esk arranged date. An actual ‘you busy Friday? date. Me.

Hey these are crazy times right? I guess stranger things are happening, so why not this to?

Just as this whole pandemic was starting (I said pandemic not the dreaded C-word) I was headed to a potluck some friends were having with my kids and invited a neighbor and her son to come. She couldn’t make it since her brother had just recently moved in with her and so I offered to take her son anyway to give her and her brother some time to hang out. So sweet of me hey? So I drive to pick up her boy and that’s when I met her brother J.

Now I’m gonna be completely honest, as I do here on my blog. J’s fine. And I don’t mean fine as in fine like boy he fine, but more of a he’s just ok type of fine. So don’t get your panties up in a bunch when you realize that obviously he’s the dude I’m talking about when I say I went on a date and I’m only using the word fine to describe him. But that’s the best word I have. He’s not amazing. He’s fine. He’s not talk dark and handsome. He’s fine. Actually he’s super tall, but that still only puts him at fine. Sure he was super kind when I met him that night and had a good hand shake (lame that that’s the best redeeming quality I remember) but I’m just really not attracted to him. C? Wtf did you go on a date with him you’re probably thinking? Me too at this point but the past is in the past. This post isn’t about why I did it lol. Just describes the fact that I did. So chill.

Anyway my neighbor did introductions and that was that. A few days later my neighbor texted to say J was BBQing and would the kids and I like to come for dinner? Sure why not. We ended up staying for dinner and then having a bonfire and drinks late into the night, just hanging out. J walked us home and we made out pretty heavily before I sent him home. The next day my neighbor texted saying J was asking for my number was that cool with me? Ok. Here’s where I changed my first opinion of J. Yeah I still think he’s basically fine and definitely not the love of my life. But he’s got gentleman potential. Do I want to be in a long term relationship with him or something/anything? Nope. But I think he’s got something special for some girl. just not me.

Anyway I said sure, I didnt mind he could have my number, and he texted after work that day. He. Is. An. Awful. Texter. He’s also older than me. By a sizeable chunk. Now normally age doesn’t bother me, but when you’re in a whole other generation…. it affects how you interact with the world, so it plays a part. Anyway. He ended coming by the next weekend with my neighbor and her neighbor (who she’s seeing… apparently we like to keep things tight knit over here 😏) to hang out and that’s when on the way out he asked me on the date. Just a quick question on the way out the door. Do you wanna go for dinner Friday night? Yeah I just realized I’ve written all this and haven’t even gotten to the date. So I’ll jump to it.

I said yes, mainly because I was shocked. Because in 32 years I’ve never been asked that, and we all know it’s like a deep dream of mine. Something I’ve always wanted. Also because he was leaning in to kiss me and I really didn’t know what else to think. So I said yes. But as soon as the door shut, I thought, I don’t know if I want to go on a date with that man. I know I don’t like him like that. I made out with him mainly because yep I was drunk and yep because he was there. Call me what you want but that’s the truth. But I don’t want to go down the path that this seemed to somehow be heading in a very fast way.

There were so many thoughts going through my head and I settled on the most important one. Being that I didn’t want my friendship with my neighbor to be ruined if (and when) things broke off if it happened how I thought it would. So I texted her to see if whatever was happening between J and I was ok with her. And she was like ohhh it’s all cool. He smiles and laughs when he texts you. You make him happy. Well obviously it’s cause I’m hilarious, no but for real, now I’m like damn. I don’t wanna hurt his feelings, but I also didn’t want to commit.

Now don’t get me wrong, on Friday night I cleaned up real nice and we went on our date. Kinda. I half-assed it. I didn’t get a babysitter in time. To be honest though I didn’t even ask a single person. So here he is asking if I like lobster and have I been to certain ridiculously fancy restaurants in town and I’m like, I thought this was going to be a casual drinks thing. I don’t want to sit at a quiet chandelier lit dinner with a man I hardly know on our first night together. So I had to explain that to him.

We ended up just going to get drinks at a pub while he had his hands all over me while we waited for our Chinese take out order to be made and then went home and watched a movie.

But then. He stayed the night. It just kind of happened. I didn’t invite him. And he didn’t ask. I would have much preferred he had gone home, but he was pretty drunk so I felt bad. What I felt annoyed about most was how he didn’t give any regard to my kids and how I was going to explain it to them.

I’ve had guys over at night before. And they either left that night or quietly the next morning out my bedroom door. But J? Nope. The next day he walked out my door and loudly says good morning to the kids before I could even react.

They obviously had so many questions after he left. Did J sleep here? Why is he here. And I’m like nope. He just came for a visit this morning. Like fuck J. You didn’t respect me or my life in that moment at all.

So later I explained to him that I think we would be better off as friends. And that I appreciated the date, but I just don’t see us going anywhere.

So there, my friends you have the tale of my first date. The great let down. The time a man took me out. Was going to make reservations until I shot him down. Paid for my night. And I realized that dates are probably not all I worked them up to be. At least not with the wrong person.

Live and learn hey?


– First Date/Blink 182

Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ain’t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

Who Cares What They See? Who Cares What They Know? Your First Name Is Free Last Name Is Dom

So I’ve been really inactive sexually this last year and a half since K and I stopped. I saw a few guys once (like I do/did) but it was such a joke with them, that I didn’t even let them kiss me, although not for lack of trying on their part. Anyways, my toys and I have become well acquainted, let’s just say that. It’s so much simpler, no awkward conversation after, no asking where they work when I don’t care among all the other first time questions, no walking people I don’t care about to the door after when I really just want to go to sleep. Easy. But still satisfying. Mostly.

So for the part I’ve been missing? The conversation. The communication. The aspect of control I’ve longed for in a relationship but never had, the last little bit of exploration to fulfill some final fantasies if you will. So I took some time over the last few weeks to explore some of my own fantasies and kinks if you will, in a safe way, online, and the results were… interesting. A way to pass time to say the least and mind opening at best.

To be honest until maybe a couple years ago, my interest sex wise were very shallow. The basics were fine as long as they happened. But over the past I’ve been more open to exploration into what do I truly want and what actually makes me feel pleasure. And it’s not your average missionary position lets just say that.

I’ve always been interested in aspects of control, and the exchange of power. Maybe it’s because of my life so far, but the idea of having complete and utter control over a mans cock, when and where and how often he comes, if at all, has been intriguing to me. So I found an online community where men were looking for keyholders to do just that. They would lock their dick in a cage and the accompanying app would allow me to determine when the lock was released, sometimes not for weeks or even longer. We obviously set parameters first, and discussed needs and desires for both parties before engaging the lock. But it made me realize that men can want to have someone to control that for them too. They can crave someone telling them what to do. Some asked me for tasks daily which I assigned based on previously discussed kinks and fantasies (which were more than anything I’d ever thought of, which is part of why I stopped) And some, we just conversed daily.

It was an interesting exchange of power. They would greet me first each day, as well as wish me good night. Some would even ask me permission to urinate (I’m assuming this was based on requirements from their previous keyholders) and write me poems etc. The list went on. It felt like anything I asked of them, they did that and more. It was almost as if they craved the attention. So I had to stop, I didn’t want to become to involved with anyone to deeply in case feeling were hurt on their part. For me this was just me dipping my toes in, and may of them were new to. But in the case of building trust, I don’t want to hurt anyone and had to be careful.

As much as I enjoyed the experience and to be honest the attention as well, I felt like this is something that should be experienced on a more one on one basis. Yes I understand that people may not be able to establish that kind of relationship with an individual in real life nowadays, as everything seems internet based, but it felt like there was an aspect missing. I’m not gonna lie though, most of the experience was really appealing and I would definitely consider extending that power exchange more deeply if I found the right person in real life.

So I slowly explained to the guys that I wouldn’t be able to continue and once each of their locks timed out I released them, and wished them the best on their way.

Anyway. I learned tons about the BDSM community in the chat rooms, some I’m all for and would love to explore more and some is just WAY to much for me, but mostly I experienced a sensation that I’ve never felt before. An actual vibration of energy at certain times. I feel like my letting go of who I strictly thought I was and allowing myself to experience new hidden desires is allowing deeper freedom to come forth.

Yeah me! Just call me Dom C 😂😂

– Pharrel Williams / Freedom-

You Used To Call Me On My Cell Phone Late Night When You Need My Love Call Me On My Cell Phone

I know.

My posts have been less than juicy lately. The thing is, my life has been boring af.

My parents were in town like I said, and then I got sick and apart from work, I’ve barely left my house. I have like zero interest in guys because, well I just don’t wanna stir up all that shit again. And so my life is about as interesting as watching a baked potato bake.

I have been trying to make new friends as I mentioned though, and I had been chatting with this one guy recently. I swear to god my first line to him was basically “your not my type, but you seem like a decent guy, with his head on his shoulders, so if your looking for a friend, so am I.” Straight to the point, no leading him on, no flirting (not that I’m any good at that anyways) no playing games, just honest to goodness me trying to make friends. So we’d been texting for maybe 2 weeks and he’d gotten to the point of everyday texting me “good morning babe” or something like that. And I’m just like, do guys not get it? I would keep the conversation completely platonic and discuss work, his schooling, regular life… you know trying to build a friendship and if he moved into that kind of territory I would either ignore it respond with a completely non-emotional text.

Anyways, we were texting this weekend while I was sick and we got on the topic of how to meet new friends, and I asked him (who is also newer to the area, which is one of the reasons I reached out… because both were looking for new friends) apart from stupid dating apps, how do people actually MEET new people nowadays? And he kept replying that you get together face to face with them to see them. I’m like no, your not getting it. Even before that step, like before you have their number to text or call to arrange a face to face meeting, how do you meet new people? And so he’s like “wait”

So I’m like is that you answer? Wait? Wait for what? Life to just magically make new acquaintances appear in your vicinity? Or do you want me to wait for you to come up with a much better answer, because that was lame af.

So then about 30 minutes later he texts back and says ” wait for me, I’m on my way can I please have your address?”

What??? I’m sick! It’s Sunday night and I’m in my sweat pants with my nose running and your driving from a different city? But now saying no would be rude, since your probably halfway here at this point and it’s honestly really sweet that you would come at the drop of a hat. So I reminded him that I was sick and he reminded me that he was a General Practitioner and dealt with colds and flus all the time and it was no big deal.

So I texted him my address and decided to brush my teeth, since I couldn’t remember doing it yet that day and well… my breath was probably atrocious. Then I sat down to wait for us to “meet”

I couldn’t help but thinking while I was waiting how nice it made me feel that he would come like that. Yes, it was uninvited, but deep down, it made me feel… I don’t know, desired? Like he couldn’t keep away? Now I don’t like this guy sexually in anyway, but it made me think this is what I want. The guy for me to just KNOW that I need him to come. Without me having to ask.  I’m delusional, I’m well aware lol.

But then, low and behold, he showed up with a bottle of wine (the most delicious wine I’ve had since I’ve come tbh) and it was then that I knew he was exactly like the other guys. He obviously wanted to get in my pants.

I did my best to keep the conversation strictly friend centered and just have a glass of wine like grown adults should be able to do without fucking. But then he made the move from the armchair to beside me on the couch and I was like, whoomp there it is. Of course he causally put his arm around me and then not so slowly moved in for the kiss which I dodged and it ended up on my neck. So he continued kissing my neck and here I am, a couple of glasses of wine in, trying to figure out the best way to get him to leave without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings because he was actually such a nice guy.

So he keeps trying to kiss me and I keep managing to duck out of it meanwhile wondering why he isn’t getting the hint, and finally I just straight out told him it was time for him to leave. So he put his shoes on and then gave me a long ass hug and left, but not before exclaiming it felt so nice to hold a woman after 3 years.

You guys I ALMOST just broke down and let him fuck me because I felt so bad for him.  Three years? And he was so kind?  Like I’ve slept with so many guys what’s one more? Plus he was so nice. But him? I just wasn’t attracted to, so I kept my no at no, and then he was on his way.

He texted me three times throughout the night. “Thinking of you” and memes about your beautiful heart and being together etc. and so in the morning I had to again repeat what I said from the start. Like dude your a nice guy, like really nice, but I’m just not attracted to you. I’m sure we could be friends, but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship outside of that with you.

Let’s just say I haven’t gotten any good morning text from him since then.

Which sucks because they actually helped my day. Texts like that make you feel at least a little bit valued.

Now it’s back to nothing.

Square one sucks balls.


-Drake/ Hotline Bling-