Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ainโ€™t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ainโ€™t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area ๐Ÿ˜‚. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

Who Cares What They See? Who Cares What They Know? Your First Name Is Free Last Name Is Dom

So I’ve been really inactive sexually this last year and a half since K and I stopped. I saw a few guys once (like I do/did) but it was such a joke with them, that I didn’t even let them kiss me, although not for lack of trying on their part. Anyways, my toys and I have become well acquainted, let’s just say that. It’s so much simpler, no awkward conversation after, no asking where they work when I don’t care among all the other first time questions, no walking people I don’t care about to the door after when I really just want to go to sleep. Easy. But still satisfying. Mostly.

So for the part I’ve been missing? The conversation. The communication. The aspect of control I’ve longed for in a relationship but never had, the last little bit of exploration to fulfill some final fantasies if you will. So I took some time over the last few weeks to explore some of my own fantasies and kinks if you will, in a safe way, online, and the results were… interesting. A way to pass time to say the least and mind opening at best.

To be honest until maybe a couple years ago, my interest sex wise were very shallow. The basics were fine as long as they happened. But over the past I’ve been more open to exploration into what do I truly want and what actually makes me feel pleasure. And it’s not your average missionary position lets just say that.

I’ve always been interested in aspects of control, and the exchange of power. Maybe it’s because of my life so far, but the idea of having complete and utter control over a mans cock, when and where and how often he comes, if at all, has been intriguing to me. So I found an online community where men were looking for keyholders to do just that. They would lock their dick in a cage and the accompanying app would allow me to determine when the lock was released, sometimes not for weeks or even longer. We obviously set parameters first, and discussed needs and desires for both parties before engaging the lock. But it made me realize that men can want to have someone to control that for them too. They can crave someone telling them what to do. Some asked me for tasks daily which I assigned based on previously discussed kinks and fantasies (which were more than anything I’d ever thought of, which is part of why I stopped) And some, we just conversed daily.

It was an interesting exchange of power. They would greet me first each day, as well as wish me good night. Some would even ask me permission to urinate (I’m assuming this was based on requirements from their previous keyholders) and write me poems etc. The list went on. It felt like anything I asked of them, they did that and more. It was almost as if they craved the attention. So I had to stop, I didn’t want to become to involved with anyone to deeply in case feeling were hurt on their part. For me this was just me dipping my toes in, and may of them were new to. But in the case of building trust, I don’t want to hurt anyone and had to be careful.

As much as I enjoyed the experience and to be honest the attention as well, I felt like this is something that should be experienced on a more one on one basis. Yes I understand that people may not be able to establish that kind of relationship with an individual in real life nowadays, as everything seems internet based, but it felt like there was an aspect missing. I’m not gonna lie though, most of the experience was really appealing and I would definitely consider extending that power exchange more deeply if I found the right person in real life.

So I slowly explained to the guys that I wouldn’t be able to continue and once each of their locks timed out I released them, and wished them the best on their way.

Anyway. I learned tons about the BDSM community in the chat rooms, some I’m all for and would love to explore more and some is just WAY to much for me, but mostly I experienced a sensation that I’ve never felt before. An actual vibration of energy at certain times. I feel like my letting go of who I strictly thought I was and allowing myself to experience new hidden desires is allowing deeper freedom to come forth.

Yeah me! Just call me Dom C ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

– Pharrel Williams / Freedom-

You Used To Call Me On My Cell Phone Late Night When You Need My Love Call Me On My Cell Phone

I know.

My posts have been less than juicy lately. The thing is, my life has been boring af.

My parents were in town like I said, and then I got sick and apart from work, I’ve barely left my house. I have like zero interest in guys because, well I just don’t wanna stir up all that shit again. And so my life is about as interesting as watching a baked potato bake.

I have been trying to make new friends as I mentioned though, and I had been chatting with this one guy recently. I swear to god my first line to him was basically “your not my type, but you seem like a decent guy, with his head on his shoulders, so if your looking for a friend, so am I.” Straight to the point, no leading him on, no flirting (not that I’m any good at that anyways) no playing games, just honest to goodness me trying to make friends. So we’d been texting for maybe 2 weeks and he’d gotten to the point of everyday texting me “good morning babe” or something like that. And I’m just like, do guys not get it? I would keep the conversation completely platonic and discuss work, his schooling, regular life… you know trying to build a friendship and if he moved into that kind of territory I would either ignore it respond with a completely non-emotional text.

Anyways, we were texting this weekend while I was sick and we got on the topic of how to meet new friends, and I asked him (who is also newer to the area, which is one of the reasons I reached out… because both were looking for new friends) apart from stupid dating apps, how do people actually MEET new people nowadays? And he kept replying that you get together face to face with them to see them. I’m like no, your not getting it. Even before that step, like before you have their number to text or call to arrange a face to face meeting, how do you meet new people? And so he’s like “wait”

So I’m like is that you answer? Wait? Wait for what? Life to just magically make new acquaintances appear in your vicinity? Or do you want me to wait for you to come up with a much better answer, because that was lame af.

So then about 30 minutes later he texts back and says ” wait for me, I’m on my way can I please have your address?”

What??? I’m sick! It’s Sunday night and I’m in my sweat pants with my nose running and your driving from a different city? But now saying no would be rude, since your probably halfway here at this point and it’s honestly really sweet that you would come at the drop of a hat. So I reminded him that I was sick and he reminded me that he was a General Practitioner and dealt with colds and flus all the time and it was no big deal.

So I texted him my address and decided to brush my teeth, since I couldn’t remember doing it yet that day and well… my breath was probably atrocious. Then I sat down to wait for us to “meet”

I couldn’t help but thinking while I was waiting how nice it made me feel that he would come like that. Yes, it was uninvited, but deep down, it made me feel… I don’t know, desired? Like he couldn’t keep away? Now I don’t like this guy sexually in anyway, but it made me think this is what I want. The guy for me to just KNOW that I need him to come. Without me having to ask.ย  I’m delusional, I’m well aware lol.

But then, low and behold, he showed up with a bottle of wine (the most delicious wine I’ve had since I’ve come tbh) and it was then that I knew he was exactly like the other guys. He obviously wanted to get in my pants.

I did my best to keep the conversation strictly friend centered and just have a glass of wine like grown adults should be able to do without fucking. But then he made the move from the armchair to beside me on the couch and I was like, whoomp there it is. Of course he causally put his arm around me and then not so slowly moved in for the kiss which I dodged and it ended up on my neck. So he continued kissing my neck and here I am, a couple of glasses of wine in, trying to figure out the best way to get him to leave without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings because he was actually such a nice guy.

So he keeps trying to kiss me and I keep managing to duck out of it meanwhile wondering why he isn’t getting the hint, and finally I just straight out told him it was time for him to leave. So he put his shoes on and then gave me a long ass hug and left, but not before exclaiming it felt so nice to hold a woman after 3 years.

You guys I ALMOST just broke down and let him fuck me because I felt so bad for him.ย  Three years? And he was so kind?ย  Like I’ve slept with so many guys what’s one more? Plus he was so nice. But him? I just wasn’t attracted to, so I kept my no at no, and then he was on his way.

He texted me three times throughout the night. “Thinking of you” and memes about your beautiful heart and being together etc. and so in the morning I had to again repeat what I said from the start. Like dude your a nice guy, like really nice, but I’m just not attracted to you. I’m sure we could be friends, but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship outside of that with you.

Let’s just say I haven’t gotten any good morning text from him since then.

Which sucks because they actually helped my day. Texts like that make you feel at least a little bit valued.

Now it’s back to nothing.

Square one sucks balls.


-Drake/ Hotline Bling-

Here Come Bad News, Talking This And That Well, Give Me All You Got, And Don’t Hold It Back Well, I Should Probably Warn You I’ll Be Just Fine No Offense To You, Don’t Waste Your Time Cause I’m Happy

Update…I’m alive.

Super alive.

Thanks for everyone’s concerns/comments about how I should choose to live my life, but I had a great night.

Go ahead and read while I write a blog that makes me sound like a complete bitch (opposed to all my other ones lol) but keep in mind, he’s the one who kept asking to come… I’m the one who chose him.

It was a good choice. Like all my other previous dozens of guys considering this wasn’t my first time as many of you thought, but thanks for the warnings.

So, he brought some vodka soda’s, we threw on Netflix, some random movie he picked although it’s irrelevant because we didn’t watch any of it, and about half way into my second drink practically 5 minutes into the movie, he asked me I wanted his infamous back rub. Ahhh duh, of course I did. I didn’t just want it, I’d been craving something like it. So I downed my drink and we moved it to the bedroom and he gave me a half decent, partially non-sexual back-rub before I asked him for another drink. I chugged the drink and then I literally just enjoyed over an hour of him rubbing me and him getting me off, while turning him down every time he asked if I wanted him to stick his dick in me.

I told him straight up from the start I didn’t want to have sex, but I selfishly took whatever else he was going to give me in the pursuit of it. It definitely fulfilled my need for human contact, because he tried EVERYTHING, and it was wonderful!

Then, when all was said and done… for me at least, I said he should probably go, which he did.

And I had the best sleep… I woke up with a headache from the 4+ drinks I had but other than that, I’m in a great mood today.

I did my hair and make up this morning, and even wore a skirt to work. Like I actually put in effort to get ready. I feel better. Relieved even. It was a good night. The only downside is that he was a short mother fucker lol. So, I think if I continue this kind of “self-care” lol, it’s 6 foot+ or no go. I just don’t feel like they’re manly next to me if they’re basically the same size or maybe even smaller. Doesn’t mean they can’t be a great fit for someone else! Just not me at close to 5’10.

So thus concludes my update on “How I avoided falling into depression 2018“. Stay tuned for the next chapter… “6 foot 4 or more” ย ย  ๐Ÿ˜‰


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

 

A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I’m literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I’ve heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I’m feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I’ve been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could’ve called he would’ve and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I’m very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… ‘no strings attached’ and how he said he wasn’t going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn’t called anyone! I’m actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don’t give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he’s ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn’t give out that information.

So I’m literally no better than I was before.

Before he even got sent back, K insisted I move on and not spend his entire sentence waiting for him. He specifically told me he’d hate me forever if I ever visited him. He didn’t want me to have anything to do with his criminal side. He wanted me to be free and live free. I think he knew that if he got sent back, it could be for a few months, or once inside, it could turn into much longer than that. And he didn’t want me waiting on him. I don’t think he wanted to have to be dealing with me while inside either. When he was with me, and the K who was on the inside were two different personas. And that was to save his life. He had to maintain a toughness while incarcerated, and that wasn’t the same K he presented to me. So I think he just needed to keep space between the two. What I didn’t know in the moment was if it was only for while he was in, or if he had decided to turn his back on the K I knew forever.

I spent an entire two days trying to ‘move on’ even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM’s me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn’t promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you’re potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he’d ‘behave’ of course. ๐Ÿ˜.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner ๐Ÿ˜œ.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don’t mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would’ve been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn’t MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah that’s a hard no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It’s definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights in advance already?
Why can’t I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there’s J who I haven’t even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I’ve made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I’ve got going on.


-Usher/Yeah-

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that’s being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn’t blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen since I hate anything cooking related but it was fun to get together. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row (the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn’t want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup ever of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just straight up ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured and vibrating? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here’s an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

*Some context, K had asked me to get his final paycheck from work but no matter what I tried I couldn’t contact his “boss” in order to get the check for him, so I felt awful, because he was going to be using that money to live off of while in prison, for phone calls/commissary etc*


-Tobymac/Gone-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital to get checked out since there was nothing she could do over the phone.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just end up being a waste of everyone’sย  time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was very impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behavior. And all his actions lead me to believe that he really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with homemade songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or Little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself, I was useless. Or taking the time to teach Little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me because he’s stuck in prison . Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Please Don’t Look At Me With Those Eyes Please Don’t Hint That Your Capable Of Lies I Dread The Thought Of Our Very First Kiss

Maybe my tape measure is faulty, because I can think of no other logical explanation for how every man I’ve recently met recently whose profile said they were 6 feet plus, turned out near my height or as was the case last night, MUCH shorter. I’m 5’9, unless, like I said, every tool I’ve ever used to measure my height was faulty, than men just lie about their height, as if that’s not something noticeable the woman is going to pick up on ASAP. If you feel you MUST lie about something, lie about your shoe size or how many cars you own, or tell me some sad sob story about how your long lost brother died when you were 12 and so you do charity work in his name… just not something obvious that I’m going to be able to call you out on the minute I see you! Common!

So it started off, this guy I’ve really casually been chatting to for a couple weeks asked me out for coffee last night. My kids were spending the night at my parents (Woooo party ๐ŸŽ‰ lol) and so I agreed. Turns out he lived really close and so we picked a coffee shop nearby and a time and that was that.

I decided to walk to the Timmys since it was close by and I just wanted a nice stroll without kids and a chance to clear my head before I met the guy. Basically it was my pep talk time lol. I’d hardly done this before, so since I had about 5 minutes to get ready after work, I brushed my teeth, rolled on some deodorant, went pee and that was the extent of my ‘date’ prep. I threw on my chucks, still in the same clothes I wore to work, stuck in my headphones and headed out the door. Hey I figured if you only give me 5 minutes to get ready, how good can you really expect me to look lol?
The whole 20 minute walk I’m going over scenarios in my head, while reminding myself that if I don’t like him I can leave, and I don’t owe him anything.

So I got to the coffee shop and met the guy. First impression? Eh. I knew right off the bat he was not the one. I found myself comparing him to other men and not liking many aspects of his personal appearance as well as mannerisms. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy and we got alone just fine, like I had a decent night, but no thanks, I’m not interested in doing that again.

He was sitting in a booth so I walked in and sat across from him and we said our hi’s and all that awkward stuff. Then he asked me what I wanted and I gave him my order and then excused myself to use the washroom quickly. I just wanted to regroup and also I’ve been drinking so much water lately that after the walk my bladder was going to burst.
I came out and he was still in line so I joined him and our turn was up. He ordered for us, remembering my order like a pro and we kept up the banter no problem. The problem though? Is that I found myself slouching so that I didn’t seem so tall. It was weird, but subconsciously I feel like if a man goes to such lengths to lie about his height, he must be worried about it, so let me support him by not ever seeming taller than him or something… ridiculous I know, but while we were waiting for our teas I realized a few times that I wasn’t standing as I normally would. Instead my legs were more spread or my shoulders dramatically slouched. I think he noticed it to, since he was constantly leaning on things as if he could defend his height lie by saying oh I’m taller than this it’s because I’m leaning or sitting on the edge here etc.
But moving on lol. We got our coffees and then we road tripped to Costco (super fancy). But nooooo not the 2 right near us, we had to drive to the one way on the other side of town… because, I realized later, 2 buddy’s of his worked in the liquor store at that location and I think he just wanted to be seen with a girl.
So we spent over an hour browsing Costco for about 6 items he needed. That’s it. What a waste of time!
I get it was supposed to be fun, but he just kept pushing the cart so slowly OR WORSE stopping it for like 5 minutes in the middle of the busiest aisle to talk… about nothing! Well that’s a lie. He spent a good solid 10 minutes telling me literally everything he eats in a day. ๐Ÿ˜ซ. At one point in that conversation I actually told him I was bored with it (rudest thing I’ve ever done on a date) and he said “I know but I’m almost done” and kept going! He used to be a really heavyset guy and over the last 3 years or so I guess he’s lost about 50 pounds, which is great! But I don’t need your detailed meal plan. Like not only did he tell me WHAT he ate, but also portion sizes (ounces and everything) and how he prepared it. It was excruciatingly boring to listen to.

So then we went and browsed the books and movies section where we saw the CD/DVD’s that teach you to speak another language. So we talked about that for a minute and he’s like I’ve always wanted to learn a different language, I should get one. I’m just thinking like dude, don’t get one. If you haven’t bought one by now, you don’t need it/won’t use it, don’t buy it just to impress me. But I kept my mouth shut. Turns out, yep he’s apparently going to attempt to learn Spanish ๐Ÿ˜. Sure he is. That CD is going to sit unopened in his house forever just gathering dust, but that’s not my problem.

Then we finally made it out of Costco and next door towards the liquor store. I’m not a big drinker but he DEFINITELY is. He kept discussing this alcohol vs. that alcohol and the benefits of one compared to the other. It was just another boring conversation. Then he met his 2 friends that I guess he hits up the gym with and he was polite about it, he didn’t chat it up with them forever it was a simple quick hey how’s it going what’s up kinda thing. Then he bought about $400 worth of alcohol. 400 dollars. W. T. F. Dude? Is this a normal Thursday night for you? Or how often do you do this? Or is this a one time impress the girl move? Cause I’m more concerned about your sobriety than impressed to be honest! But whatever you are not my responsibility.

Anyways, we got into the car and at this point we didn’t really have a destination and he was just driving in the direction we came. I hate that. I don’t just ‘go for drives’ I think it’s pointless and a waste of gas. When I drive I have a destination or I at least know like let’s go for a drive around the city… then I know once we finish the loop around the city we’re done and we go home. But the whole “just drive thing”… hard no. Not for me. So I was like just head to my place please, mainly based on the fact I needed to know where we were going. Once we got to my house a massive storm had started and we sat in the car for a while chatting.

I didn’t really want to invite him in but I didn’t really want to be rude and not… so I was like oh, you probably have to get that meat home and in the fridge… or did you want to come in? What time do you have to get up for work again? Knowing he gets up at like 4 AM.
So I did my part lol and he politely declined my lame invite and said yeah he had to get home or he would have come in for sure. Next time definitely. I was thinking that’s assuming there is a next time. I thanked him for the night and then ran into my house through the rain… oh he did offer me an umbrella but I honestly didn’t want to have any reason to have to see him again to have to return it, so I turned it down, besides what’s a little water right? I won’t melt. At least I haven’t yet.

He texted me about 15 minutes later something about getting home through the storm ok, and he tried to continue the conversation for a bit, but I honestly just wanted to chill and maybe watch some tv or sleep, so I wasn’t to responsive.
So to be fair, it was a pleasant enough night, but one I don’t want to repeat. So the next day I politely as possible texted him and explained that he was a nice guy and I had a good time, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for and I didn’t see it going anywhere. Then I wished him all the best.
Better luck to the next one.


-Blink 182/First Date-

No, I Don’t Want Your Number No, I Don’t Want To Give You Mine And No, I Don’t Want To Meet You Nowhere No, I Don’t Want None Of Your Time

Wow! Men are literally coming outta the woodwork.

I took a picture at work and posted it on the gram today (because I look amazing as I discussed yesterday lol) and my phones been going non-stop. I guess I should preface this by saying selfies for me used to be VERY rare. Like my whole Instagram feed has maybe 10 pictures of me, since the dawn of my page about 4 years ago, and probably 5 of them are within the last 6 months. But even those other few pictures never garnered this much response. So now I’ve posted a selfie… and these guys are all up in my DM and texting.

But for real all these guys keep dropping hints like they’re free tonight, or they’re only in town for a little while longer… but then nothing. I’m like, be a man, and ask me out. Don’t leave it to me. Make a plan. Follow through. I’m not impressed by your utter lack of effort. I’m not going to invite guys over to my place just cause it’s convenient for everyone. I want a date. And so either be willing to make that effort or I’m moving on… right fast.

I’m no longer worried about being ‘undatable’ or something. I’ve come to learn that I’m totally dating/marriage material, but men nowadays just don’t ask women on dates.

But I’m a patient woman. I can totally wait for the one that will.

In the meantime though I’m keeping this rant short and sweet since I’m at the park with my kiddos.

Which bring me to who, by the way, decided sand between your toes was an amazing feeling? It’s so annoying! It scratches your feet, rubs between your skin and sandals, and to top it off it’s a pain to walk in.


-TLC/No Scrubs-