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I Wish I Could Be Every Little Thing You Wanted All The Time

She was set free11 Comments

Last night Z nearly broke my heart.

I was washing her hair, which could be considered a full time job, although we do it on average once a week if I’ve had enough coffee and sleep, when she made the comment that she doesn’t like her hair and wished it was like all her friends hair, which is in her words ‘smooth’.

Z has the most fantastic Afro, which I’ll admit at first I didn’t at first know the first thing about dealing with for obvious reasons, the main being I never had hair like that so why bother learning right? But over the years as her hair grew I realized it was getting more curly and thick and I would need more insight on how to care for her crowning glory to do it full justice, I started researching what the better quality products would be to use. I learned all about a wash n go and wet plopping and deep conditioning which to be honest were all very helpful for my hair as well since I also have curly hair, although not to the extent of Z’s 3c/4a curls. I learned not to use drug store brands that contain sulphates and other harmful chemicals that will further dry her hair out. I learned how to trim her hair myself to maintain it and get rid of dry, split ends on my own without spending a fortune on a hairdresser. I will admit though that I still cannot plait her hair, but I have learned twist outs and how to lay her edges so I’ll just take that as a win for now. One step at a time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But when she was upset last night because her hair wasn’t ‘smooth’ like all her friends at school my heart fell into my gut. I can only be so much of a roll model for her in this area. I wear my hair as big, full and curly as possible, because I honestly feel the bigger the better, and I truly think natural hair is better. I’ve straightened my hair maybe once a year since finding out all this information about hair for Z. Little E wears his hair pretty close cut because he just has no interest in keeping a style and prefers it practically shaved, and even when he does grow it out, it’s not as curly as Z’s, it’s more of a thick bigger curl. Her dad maintains a bald head although they don’t see him often (as my regular readers know 3 visits when we went back at Christmas and before that it was February last year). So I guess my point with all these “examples ” is that she has no natural hair role models as far as her hair texture. I’ve shown her on places like instagram woman with beautiful hair like hers and how they wear it even bigger than hers. For reference, her fro averages between 6-10 inches but I don’t fluff it out on the bigger side often. She prefers to style it pushed back with a headband or with a few clips or two pigtail afropuffs. Which is for the best because those are the only ones I can pull off half decently.

Anyways this is a very roundabout way of saying I hurt for her. I want her to be proud of every part of her, but this is a way I can’t directly be a role model for her. Yes, I can wear my hair naturally and I do, but her hair is distinctively different, not only from mine, but from the streets of Kelowna and even where we were before and heck even in a Kenya because of the mix, and others notice. I think it’s fantastic and beautiful and many others do as well. We constantly receive compliments while out about how nice her hair is of which I reminded her last night. I told her that her hair is original and beautiful and she should never want to change who or how she is. I was detangling it and showed her how long it was while wet and stretched out and she was so impressed, since it reaches to her elbows. So after the bath, I did one long braid for her down her back and she was much happier and kept mentioning how long and smooth it looked. Albeit it only lasted about 15 minutes until it was completely dry and shrunk up to her neck but it made her happy in that moment.

I’m just wondering how to move forward from here. I’m WELL aware that my kids should have strong black role models in their life, but if there aren’t any around… I can’t just produce them out of thin air.

My in laws are not an option, her dad is out of the question. The black community in Kelowna is to be honest practically nonexistent (trust me, I’ve looked). But I know that it will be something they need to become the fullest version of themselves they can be.

I guess that’s the most frustrating aspect of this experience. Knowing I can be the best mom I can possibly be. I can make all the healthy lunches and arrange all the play dates and study up on all the hair care and do all the sex talks, to name a few examples, but facts are facts, and facts in my situation is that my kids are half black, there’s no denying that, and I would never want to. And that culture is not something I can provide them, and they desperately need it.

It makes me feel so inadequate.

Knowing no matter what, I’ll never be enough. And I can’t do it on my own.

And what’s worse it that the right people are not offering to help.

***update***

Just stopped at Walmart and saw this ironic and timely display showing Robert Munschs books on display

All had been picked through except the braids book (which Z owns). It’s a book about a girl with hair like Z’s and how she doesn’t like to have it braided since it takes a while and hurts. Etc. But anyways it’s literally just shows how no one in Kelowna has that culture in their life nor is trying to pass it on to future generations here and I’m on my own with my kids. 😑

*Z with morning bed head for reference*

-Dishwalla / Every Little Thing –

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Leaving To Find My Soul Told Her I Had To Go And I Know It Ain’t Pretty When Our Hearts Get Broke

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The fact that I am alive is proof enough that I am a God.

No one can confirm for sure how the world started.  Not when or how or at what point, which leaves it wide open for interpretation on exactly how or why we got to this place in history or the present place in the universe.

Did we come with a purpose? I believe so. Once being to discover the fact that just being here makes our journey complete. We fundamentally have made it by making ourselves. We came. We saw. We each individually have essentially conquered the obstacles of creation by mutually not only choosing to co-exist but at the same time to create the same reality we all choose to collectively perceive and view as real or life if you will.  That fact, in and of itself makes us all God, or a portion of ‘God’ or a ‘soul’ on the outside, all jointly looking in on this world we have created and living out through human existence.

Many over the course of this dynamic perception have  tried to explain this phenomenon. Some use science to get closer to the answer. Some simply trust in the unknown God/deity they choose to represent the beginning. Other pure and simple refuse to acknowledge that question at all, which leads them not searching for an answer. In fact the large majority of today’s population have been satisfied with just living that they have no desire to wonder how their life came into being in the first place. They have become complacent. The are satisfied with a big bang, or a creation, but when it comes down to it, humans are afraid to dig deeper. Since when you try to truly uncover further into the origins of not only the world, but yourself, it will leave you looking starkly at one thing and one thing only.

No matter which theory you align yourself with, we all started at the same place. All at the same time. When I say ‘we’ I don’t mean on the surface level of the life ‘we’ live as you read this. I dive deep into us as a humanity and a universal perception.

The creation of this reality had to start in A moment. Where we all collectively branched out on our own journeys to create at will. Maybe we went from one to a million in an instant big bang style. Maybe ‘we’ collectively planned our futures and our memories and agreed we would just agreed to have thoughts and memories that extended so far back to create a reality and at the count of three wake up one morning go on our way. Maybe ‘we’ split in two and then four and then eight etc, like a baby in the womb. Maybe, we did all of the above, and agreed to each carry a different version of the conception deep in our thoughts hidden in so many lifetimes. This would help us to never return to the loneliness of being one together, since we knew we would never allow our views to change once spread so vast and becoming so hardened.

But once spread out and functioning as a world as we are now, what if two or more individual humans began to think as one again on such a level that they shared this kind of information? What would it do to the origins of the entire perception of the world? It could destroy it. It could destroy the original ‘creation’ that came from thinking independently. The separation and joy and individuality that came from the creation, that allowance to have different thought processes and different opinions that would have never occurred had we all remained as one, would be wiped out. We would return to that being of oneness.

So the fact that from the source and the beginning there are differences should bring the most joy as well as enlightenment. Joy to know the source of this world had knowledge to discover it must become different in order to expand and create eventual life. And enlightenment to acknowledge that you are a byproduct of that source.

This empowering knowledge lends to the discovery that along the way our thoughts at one point in the past were connected. Before we became so focused on the perception of this tangible reality, we were all connected and intermingled not as humans, but as souls, or thoughts. So if we did it before, lived as one in a bodyless haven, why should we limit ourselves to the possibility of creating this reality or perception we see every day, and focus instead on uncreating or returning to that for our souls.

I’m not suggesting it will happen overnight, as many indiscretions have been made against each other or each soul or thought process throughout this creation process since our infinite decision long ago to part ways. It will take many conscious repairs to mend bonds that were broken along the way, but can be made easier with the knowledge that we are all the source and the beginning, and therefore we all originally had intentions of creating a reality. Did we know exactly how it would turn out? No because we gave each other the freedom to create and be individuals. But with the brokenness, we may not feel like it on the surface, but our souls are longing for healing.

We are all longing to come back home to ourselves as one. Where we all began.

 

-Macklemore / These Days-

 

Let’s Go Back Back To The Beginning / I’m Shedding Shedding Every Color Trying To Find A Pigment Of Truth

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The other night I woke up from another one of my very real dreams I’ve been having the last few months/years and was hit with the stark realization that I have in fact been on a few lame dates.

I know I’ve complained the entire duration of my blog that I’ve never been on a nice real date, and in my mind the ones I’m about to describe still don’t really tick all the boxes of what a perfect date would be for me, but I woke up feeling like I should give these guys credit and at least appreciate the effort they put in. So here are my two stories.

The first guy I met online, obviously. This was before I met E or was married or anything. I was just a single 19 year old girl having fun. Anyway, he suggested we meet at very reputable wine bar that I’d never been to, but he knew quite well. This guy was fantastic. He helped me with my coat and pulled out my chair for me, while complimenting my appearance. He helped me in deciding which wines to try and ordered a nice appetizer for us to share. Like to be honest it was really sweet. The conversation never lagged and we shared a few jokes. It was good. After we finished up at the wine bar with him insisting on paying since he invited me out, he suggested we go for a stroll in the river valley and I just remember being so thankful that this man had ideas and could lead the date without “let’s go back to my place” being his only suggestion. This man had depth. I was impressed with his career choice, being that he worked for Red Cross and I was still reliving my glory days of the orphanage in Namibia. We were a great match. We spent about 4-5 hours together that night, all of which I enjoyed…and then I didn’t hear from him again. So I assumed it was over. In my mind I had messed it up at some point and he was obviously to good for me being that he was perfect, and that was that. My phone dropped in a toilet a week later and I lost my contacts and I couldn’t even text him first to see what happened. So zero contact UNTIL, I got a call one day after I was married to E and I can’t remember if I was pregnant or had just given birth to Little E, but I know I had a baby on my mind, so who should call like 2 years later but this dude. I guess he was sent out with the Red Cross soon after our date and had been in and out of the country since we met (according to our 1 minute phone call) He said sorry for not being in touch, he’d been thinking of me often, and could we possibly meet up?

Dude. I’m married now. With a kid. No! But even at that point I remember thinking I wish he had called sooner. I wished he had saved me from my poor decisions before I felt trapped in my marriage. But no. I was committed and I wouldn’t cheat. So I basically hung up on him and that was that. Another lost chance, to little to late guys.

Moving on to guy number two that my dream brought up. Oh man this one hurts to remember. It’s like my consciousness is working on reconciling everything it had previously shoved to my subconscious but now… well now I’m working on healing those thoughts. Anyways this one was painful, because I think if I hadn’t had this one phone call with this dude, I might have made many decisions with E differently. I don’t think I would have stayed with him from the get go. But we all know I did so….

The story goes like this. Well not the story, but the reality of my life unfortunately lol.

This guy again I met online. We went out a few times. We knew each other for maybe 3 weeks total until the fateful call? Nothing ever made official. But we went out dancing a couple times, he knew a lot of different clubs in town and every place we went he knew half the patrons in the place which was a little uncomfortable for me since we weren’t together and he was free to roam around and therefore so was I. But it left me in a club with a lot of guys hitting on me which I’m not a fan of, while he was basically off flirting. It was weird. But this was the guy who I sex with all over town. Parking lots, club doorways, public bathrooms, back of his car, front of his car, you name it.  Anyways, he did take me out to dinner once for Malaysian food which was delicious. They served amazing fried rice in a carved out pineapple and the most decadent satays, which I’d never had before but soon became my favorite. And he paid. So pretty much a date right? Anyways because we never made it official and I had issues, I was still looking for something better. And I think I wanted to make him jealous so that he would make it official (look I’m just being honest) So I was still browsing online. Plus it bothered my super low-confident self that he would still flirt with chicks at the bar when he went there with me. So that’s when I met E. I met up with E two maybe 3 times and then got the flu (not from him, just coincidence) and in my very selfish and conceited mind, I felt like maybe the guy/s that were warming my bed would want to warm my throat (not that way, get your mind outta the gutter) but maybe be kind and bring me soup or something. I just wanted someone to take care of me, that’s part of why I was “dating” in the first place. E was at work so he wasn’t available so I called the other guy.

I can’t for the life of me remember the exact wording of the conversation or how I tried to manipulate him, but I remember it backfired tremendously, so good for him. As you can imagine, he wasn’t impressed that I was involved with someone else (not sure how that came up), and I didn’t understand what the big deal was since he made it clear he could mess around so I figured what was good for the goose etc. Anyways I made the comment “you know what kind of girl I am” in response/defense to something he said, trying to indicate that had he made it official, I wouldn’t cheat. But we were just casual, so I held no allegiance to anyone at that point. And he responded with ” I obviously do. Your sneaking behind your mans back tryna to get the best of both worlds” or something darn similar. And it hit me. I’m not the kind of girl who deep down specifically tries to manipulate men. It’s not my mission when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to be a person who uses people. So I remember thinking I would be different with E. I wouldn’t turn into “one of those girls” And I determined to end my one night stands and make it work with the guy I had.

And we all know how that worked out…. Talk about wrong place wrong time, E turned into my 10 year prison sentence. All in an effort to “not be that girl” I tried like hell to make it work with him.  I’m hoping this is enough punishment to atone for all the guys who feel wronged/used by me in the past.

And although I was a girl who used men to satisfy my sexual desires on many occasions in the past, I can say this for myself. I never coerced any of them. I never forced sex or anything alone those lines on anyone. Men came to me willingly (who wouldn’t 😉 )  and I allowed it. We both walked away satisfied. Just because it hardly ever turned into something long term, doesn’t mean I was using or abusing men. We both mutually benefited and walked away with what we came into the night for. Sexual satisfaction.

So yes, I know what kind of girl I am. I’ve become a very self aware girl who tried to make up for the potential hurt feelings of past men, by trying to make it right with the wrong man, by linking myself to him even when I knew deep down it wasn’t right. And I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that I still very much enjoy sexual satisfaction, but not with random men anymore. I’ve learned that loving the wrong man will not heal the pain of loving the wrong ones. I’ve learned that I need to love myself most.

Which is a long road my subconsciousness will not let me get off of.

My journey to my healing has begun. And I’m good with it.

-Hilary Duff/ So Yesterday-

 

 

Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

She was set free19 Comments

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t write often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try to keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double-edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul-searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry-level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self-discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.

-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

Cut The Ties Send A Flare Into The night / Turn The Tide Dry Your Tears And Wave Goodbye

She was set free2 Comments

So no more calls. Not from K. Not from any guys in or out of the prison named A all the way through to Z.

Which is disappointing since I got a new phone last night and it’s just more exciting to have a new phone….well when the phone rings in any capacity. But give it time C. Be patient.

Anyways so this new phone deal. It started out last week when I realized my contract was up and started browsing around at work to see if I was eligible for and upgrade on my phone. I’ve been using an iPhone 5, so not the best and not the worst. Either case, I wasn’t going to spend any money on a new phone, but I wanted to check what I could get with my current provider. Turns out not much unless I wanted to practically triple my monthly phone bill. Which I didn’t. So I browsed over the beautiful phones and that was that. It was a look but don’t touch situation and I went home for the day.

Later at home that exact same night I got a phone call from some third party company who casually mentioned that they noticed my contract with my phone service company was up and that I had left my old provider a few years ago and could they potentially win me back? Okay… I’m interested, while at the same time creeped out by the timing of his call but… what would you do for me? Well for starters, they will give me a free iPhone 8 Plus.

Ok, now I’m not an idiot. I know nothing in life is free. Tell me all the ins and outs of this “free phone” and then I’ll decide. So the guy went over the details of a plan that’s actually better than my current one, at only $5 more per month, and all I have to do is sign on for 2 years. So at this point, I really don’t have any loyalty to a cell phone provider. I’ll jump ship at the soonest sight of a better deal for me. So considering I plan on having a cell phone for the next 2 years anyways, I might as well have a much better phone. So I took the deal and my new MUCH better phone was delivered last night. Oh my goodness you guys. It’s fantastic. But even better is as I was calling to set it up, the guy was like oh have you heard about our latest offer? Here I’m thinking I already go the latest offer but go on… So he gave me a new iPad as well and I just had to add 2 GB of data to my plan for the 2 years @$10/month. So I’ll pack that away and give it to the kids for Christmas. Actually it’ll probably go to Little E, and the older one I’d been saving to give them that my mom gave me second hand will go to Z. Now there will be no fighting over iPads.

Then today, I get a call from my old service provider (old as in the one I just switched from yesterday lol) and she’s like I see you recently left us, is there anything we could have done to improve our service or win you back? And all I could think was if they had called me 2 weeks ago, and asked what they could do to KEEP me, then I wouldn’t be pissed that they are interrupting my day. I’ve already taken my steps and signed a new contract. Bitch I’ve moved on.

It reminded me of a couple who breaks up and one of them tries to win the other back. If you had just tried harder to KEEP your significant other, you wouldn’t have lost them in the first place. You know the competition is out there. You know there are other offers for people to be looking at. If you want my business, make it worth my while from the jump, but also keep my attention for the duration of my stay so I don’t consider leaving. Keep the service good. Keep it fresh and better than the other companies so that its not so easy to be swayed.

But no, there is no way you can win me back at this point. You should’ve done a better job of making sure you never lost me in the first place. Because your calling my on my sweet ass phone and my iPad is coming by the end of the week, and it’s costing me $15 more a month for 2 years. That’s only $360+GST, plus the fact I have a much better phone and a Christmas gift, plus a loaded plan with 5GB of data/month MORE than you gave me. So no. I’m not coming back.

Unless you can pay off that 2 year contract and buy me a car?

No?

Then by.

-For King And Country/Burn The Ship-