I’m Not Your Gumdrop, ‘Cause I Walk All Alone I Got My Tough, Tough Power And I Call This Body My Home

Real quick personal post…. hahaha which of my posts aren’t personal, this whole blog is my life story lol. But anyways quick is my point. I’ve made a semi dedicated goal (let’s get real, all my goals are half assed, but let’s see where this one gets me) to get more in shape. Not a New Years resolution, but just something I’ve been complaining about for months and I now have the energy to deal with. So I went back to the gym today and got a body scan done before my workout by the trainer for starting reference and the results surprised me.

So in my head I had a good 50 lbs to lose and I’d be ‘happy’ or at least I feel I’d be more/most comfortable with my body. I’m not 100% sure since I’ve never been that kinda weight my whole adult life. Since all my recent fluctuations I’m now officially back up to 225 lbs. Not something I’m proud of but it is what it is. My goal was always the 170-180 range. I’m 5’9 pushing 5’10 and I felt that was reasonable, but wanted to feel it out along the way. I’m in no way now, nor have I ever been considered petite or small framed. I’m big. Which is just fact. Like I have curly hair. I’m fat. Nothing good or bad either way.

Anyways, one of the trainers at the gym did this scan to figure out weight vs. body fat and muscle etc, and the main thing that stood out to me is that right now I’m at 21% body fat which is less than 50 lbs. And my muscle mass was crazy high in comparison. So I thought being a certain weight would change everything, but this scan made me realize how deeply weight is I only a number. If I get down to my ‘goal weight’ there’s a high possibility that I start to deplete muscle mass which I’ve worked hard to gain. So it just led me to discover that yes, I’m overweight but I’m also quite strong, which I knew. It helped me recognize the work I’ve done so far at the gym has been not in vain and also that sometimes numbers on the scale are just that… numbers.

So while I do still want to lose weight, I think it’s more of a focus on body shape and my image of myself as opposed to just reaching an arbitrary number on the scale. I want to be healthier and mainly I want to be happier. Happier when I try on clothes and they fit the way I want them to. I can’t do anything about every god damn pair of jeans being to short, but I can change how my massive muffin top/beer belly hangs over the front. I can’t change how saggy my boobs are after nursing two kids and the fact that ones more saggy than the other, but I can tone up and be able to have more choices in bras in stock since I won’t only fit the absolute largest one. I can’t do anything about my stretch marks, but I can tighten up my tummy so they aren’t stretched to the max still. So as much as I’m not NOT impressed with my body, there ARE things I can do to improve it. I guess I just needed today to show me how far I have come already and the possibility that my goal of seeing a certain weight reflected on the scale was an unhealthy one. Each body is different and I learned my body is far stronger than I give it credit for. And although I’m not gonna win Miss Universe anytime soon ever, I’m also not going to be blown over in the next breeze and I can be counted on to help you move your couch… and I’m not just talking about holding the door open. This chicks got muscles 💪🏽.

-BAUM/This Body-

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

All I Want For Christmas

It’s been a whirlwind of a trip so far and we’re only about halfway through our holiday.

I woke the kids up early on the 21st in order to catch the taxi I had prearranged for 6:00am to the airport on time. I did Instagram stories for the first time depicting the morning and wake up in which Little E jumped out of bed and Z had the slowest wake up known to mankind which is completely opposite for them. ( I ended up documenting our entire day which was fun) The kids downed a bowl of cereal and brushed their teeth in record time they were so excited to for an airplane ride. In my mind I’m like y’all have flown on more planes compared to 75% of humans do in their lifetime, but memory before a certain age is a bitch so to them it was basically a first.

J had taken a box of gifts in her car for me which saved us suitcase space so we tucked our few bags in the taxi and drove the half hour to the airport which was a pleasant enough ride. Once at the airport I realized how many people travel during the holidays, something I’d never done before. We checked our bags and began the long journey through a massive security line.

This line was one of the longest I’ve seen and I’ve travelled through O’Hare which at the time was reputed to be the busiest airport in the world. I’ve traveled through Heathrow and Istanbul’s international airport. Like I’ve seen some big and busy airports, but this line took the cake. The kids were so well behaved and patient though! I was so proud of them. There was this one lady in front of us who just did not have her shit together. She went before us, and by the time all three of us had taken coats off and unpacked electronics and boarding passes, walked through security, and the replaced everything, oh including shoes on and off, she had gotten her coat back on. All I could think of was it was people like her that made the line so long and slow, not necessarily kids as most assume.

Anyways I finally had my coffee in the waiting area and the kids found a little play centre to pass the 20 minutes we had before boarding. Once we got settled on the plane, the kids were so excited for the flight that when the plane finally took off they both started giggling, it was adorable. They were perfectly quiet during the flight, Little E opting for his book, and Z practicing her lettering. The hour flight went by no problem and my dad picked us up from the airport with his customary timbits and we started the close to hour long drive home. Crazy hey?

We got to my parents house and my little sister N and her husband D were there to greet us with their little baby F, who was born a week before we left. We had an afternoon of snuggles and baby cuddling which I missed. F is a chunk bucket and the most adorable little thing ever. Then we made a stop at the kids old daycare to see their friends before it closed for Christmas. Santa was visiting there, and my kids got to go first, imagine that 😑.

My mom had a Christmas party arranged for the night and even though I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before and my early morning, I made my appearance for her 25+ guests and the kids did well until finally dropping into bed close to midnight. This wrapping a long day one of our Christmas holiday.

-Mariah Carey/ All I Want For Christmas-

The Conversation Dies Apologize For The Past Talk Some Shit Take It Back

This whole adulting thing is not for me. I’m either too immature for it or not reading any of the signals correctly, or just ridiculously ill prepared for it and quite frankly I don’t want it. If I could bring some magic receipt back to some store of life and say I would like a refund on… everything, just take it back and I actually don’t even need my money back, just my sanity or perhaps the finality of a quite death, I would be a completely satisfied customer.

Anyways, I had the following conversation yesterday with a dad of Little E’s friend.

IMG_0347 (Edited)

So originally in my mind he was asking if Little E wanted to hang out with his boy today, seemed harmless enough. But then nope, somehow I got it wrong and he was actually inviting his son over to my place, which to me seemed weird all on it’s own but I actually preferred it this way so Z would get to play too. So I was honestly totally fine with it. Fast forward to this morning when I went out for groceries before the playdate and ran into the kids mom at Superstore. Real small town vibes here. Anyways we got to chatting and I brought up how funny it was about the text yesterday and the misunderstanding etc. Seemed fine and dandy to me, but then 1:00 o’clock rolls around and the kids dad drops him off and he can’t even look me in the eye. I’m just like what is going on? So he brings up the fact that his wife mentioned how I was offended over yesterday’s conversation… Wait what? Not at all! I thought it was an easy misunderstanding, pretty silly once you read over the texts, you understand it could have been taken either way from the start. So I said I was completely fine and explained the whole Z thing and how this is better for us anyways. But he could barely look at me the whole time.

I’ve had this man in my house for games night with his family. We’ve drank beers together and although we’re not the best of friends given how new we are to the city, I thought by now he would’ve picked up on how easy going I am. What I do think happened though, is his wife made this to be a much bigger deal than necessary to the point it became slightly awkward between us.

That, is a major reason why I’m not a fan of adulting. If this had happened on the playground of some kindergarten class, the kids would’ve just all stood there together, most likely screaming at each other until they all felt their voices were appropriately heard, and then the situation would be nearing done. But as we grow older, there are more “protocols” or “social norms” we must follow. We have to make sure no ones feelings are hurt and we have to “be gentle” to each other. We have to be careful not to step on each others toes at the possible detriment of our own other relationships or our own feelings, perhaps embarrassment included.

I was fine with the text and was ok to just have Little E’s friend come over. I told his mom when I saw her at the store not to spread gossip or to get his dad in trouble, but because she’s my new friend too and I thought it was a funny story and I was making conversation. But somewhere along the way, things get twisted and blown up until a simple event became a full blown situation.

Something that could have just passed and become an easy memory that we might even chuckle at one day, becomes a scar or blemish on our record because thoughts occurred that suggested feeling were hurt. And it went down the rabbit trail from there.

Which is why I’m digging around looking for my receipt on adulthood. Being a child was such a simpler time, and to be honest, it’s all our fault.


-Blink 182/Here’s Your Letter-

You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

I’ve gained a bunch of weight again.

Last fall/winter I did so well (for me) and lost 49 lbs/3.5 st/22.5 kg take your pick and reached an impressive 206lbs  (impressive for me).  For those of you keeping track I was 5 foot 10 and 255lbs at my heaviest. Yes I know that’s considered obese or even morbidly obese (I hate that label). Anyways, I got to 206lbs and was so excited about being under 200lbs because I honestly don’t think I’ve been less than that since before I met E apart from maybe once or twice in Kenya when I was very ill, but once I got over the disease, the weight just piled back on.

So, come Feb/Mar of this year just at reaching 206, my life fell off the weight loss track. Things with K went downhill, and I sold my house and moved back in with my parental units and then out here to Kelowna, where I’ve just been stressing non-stop. E lost his job so my finances are under pressure. I’ve been struggling to make meaningful friends to share my struggles with, and I’m lonely. And with that I find I’m eating to much.

It’s not like it’s come by surprise. I’m on the scale almost everyday, and everyday I see that number creeping up, and everyday I ‘resolve’ to do something about it, and everyday that ‘resolve’ lasts about 20 minutes until I’m just like fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Reason being? I enjoy food and right now it feels like it’s the only small bit of comfort I have. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s warm, filling, delicious, satisfying and so many things I can’t even put into words and right now nothing else in my life brings me anything close to that same feeling. It’s pathetic and difficult to explain to anyone who doesn’t have a massive void to fill like I do, or anyone with self control in this area. But I have self control in most areas of my life. I don’t have anger issues. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m not swayed by money or fame etc. All I want is to feel satisfied. And since I can’t force another human being to love me (trust me, I know exactly what my void is from), I think out of all the options in the world to fill my emptiness, things could be worse.

Anyways. Even with me going to the gym again, my weight has still risen to 220 lbs as of the past few weeks.

No, I’m not proud of it nor am I trying to make excuses for it. Yes, when I was less weight I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror more as well as felt more confident. But right now, I just can’t fight all these battles in my life and win the weight one too. So it’s just not worth it right now.

Like they say, pick your battles, and I have more important shit going on to be constantly getting down on myself for my extremely FUPA. All in due time.

Hahahahaha I write that like I think I’m ever gonna be some trim and fit sports illustrated model. We all know I’m not. But it would be nice to look in the mirror one day and not be able to flap around my belly fat.

Maybe I’ll just win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.

I guess I would have to start buying lotto tickets for that eh?


-Shakira/Hips Don’t Lie-