Don’t Hide Yourself In Regret Just Love Yourself And You’re Set

My cousin is in town on vacation this weekend with her boyfriend, and so they’ll be over in the next hour or so to chill at the beach. Cool.

I’ve only met the guy less than a handful of times and as a person he seems great. He’s kind, attentive treats her well and can keep a conversation going… maintains his brows better than anyone in our family. But here’s the thing, in my opinion he lets off an air of… femininity. Just hear me out you guys. I’m not against anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. Personally I identify as just straight, but I don’t judge their choices. I’m out here living my life and their doing theirs and it’s all good.

My potential issue with our society as a whole, is when men and women have been taught that being able to express your true desires is wrong, and therefore some individuals might pressure themselves into a heterosexual relationship while suppressing those desires just to maintain appearances. In the meantime, the other person in the relationship has developed deep honest feelings. Which can be fine for both people. I mean happiness is happiness, no matter where it comes from. But what happens 5-10 years down the road? When the person is now becoming comfortable expressing what they’ve been avoiding all this time. What if they previously didn’t allow themselves to explore those feelings due to fear, or religion or worry of what others would think etc. but have developed more in that area. Now you have what may have turned into a marriage, of which one partner wants out of because they are now ready to become more of their true self. This can apply in so many circumstances not just closeted people. But for the situation with my cousin, I see so many red flags. My dilemma is, do I interfere? Do I subtly suggest something that might be way off base to potentially protect both of them from future hardship?

I think back to when I was dating E and how grateful I would’ve been if some older wiser person would’ve just pulled me aside and said C, you can do better. Let’s not rush into this. Basically I needed role models, who had been there and knew more to take me out for coffee and have me explain why I thought marrying E was the best thing for my life. Because if someone had made me do that, I guarantee, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with a single decent sentence proving why I should be with him forever. I would’ve probably re-evaluated my circumstances. Or if anyone had come up to me and said C, I worry that maybe E isn’t the right fit for you, or maybe he might cause you more struggles than joy, or anything along those lines, it would’ve made me think long and hard about my future. I’m not stupid, and if others told me the obvious warning signs, I would’ve taken it to heart. But I didn’t have anyone like me. Who saw things that might be worrisome. I had no one who took time outside their own life to consider mine.

So here is my cousin, who is dating a man I worry might be gay. The being gay is not the issue, it’s the fact that they are together. You have to understand, my cousin is fairly sheltered and is an only child who grew up in the church. This man is also religious, which is where my concerns come that he might not be being true to himself. So, do I butt my head in and lightly suggest to her the possibility that has probably never even crossed her mind? Do I casually chat with him, to see if it’s even crossed his mind?

My position is I don’t want them to get balls deep into a situation that could have been prevented, one that possibly neither of them have even seen coming, if it could have been prevented by just having a chat. I’m not implying it’ll be a simple easy chat. I recognize it’ll be hella awkward no matter which way I go about it. Plus, once the idea is out, I don’t want her to always be thinking she’s never enough and I don’t want him to be ridiculously offended, which I realize will happen if I say anything either way.

I know it’s not the same situation I had with E, because hindsight is 20/20. But why are we so scared to talk about things?  Why are we so scared to prevent possible struggles for others? So scared to step on toes. I legitimately don’t want to see either of them hurt.

I guess it wasn’t as big of a deal back when I knew they were just dating, but a few weeks ago my Aunt told me they were looking at rings, and now I’m just like girl get your head on straight and open your eyes.

Don’t let love and fantasies of the future blind you. This is the here and now, and it’s screaming that he might be wanting more than just your pristine vagina eventually.

Because the signs are all over.

So people of my blog, I need your opinion and advice. I’m probably not going to say anything because everyone lives their own life and gets to make their own mistakes, but should I? And if you think I should intervene, how would you go about it? I don’t want to cause a huge divide in the family. But I don’t want her hindsight to have her wondering why no one helped…. In any way.


-Lady Gaga / Born This Way –

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I Got Boy Problems That’s The Human In Me / Don’t Text Me, Tell It Straight To My Face

Yesterday out of the blue E sent a text to see how the kids are and to ask me to say hi to them. They haven’t really talked much in months, and the last time they saw him was at Christmas.

By now, I thought I was over E. and as far as our relationship goes, I am. But when I got that text, I was bothered. And I was even more annoyed at myself by the fact that I was bothered by him. Maybe it was the wording of his text, and maybe it was just my mood even before I received it, but it irked me. Basically My reply was a curt, the kids are good.

Because they are always good. I make sure of that. Because I’m here every day raising them. I don’t check in every 6 months to see how they are. I’m their mother 24/7/365. And so I was frustrated. But in the sake of good parenting, I did pass the message along to the kids and asked if they’d like to either call or message back. Little E opted for the text, and wrote out a little message about what he’s been up to lately and hit send. Then Z dictated to Little E a note for him to type. And that’s when my annoyance built up enough for me to vent here.

Her note was as innocent as any 5 year old who’s going about messaging their father could be. Hi Daddy. I love you. Etc…

I could’ve stabbed E with all the anger I felt in that moment. Here I’ve been, for the last 5 and a half years, taking care of these kids without him, and in one text, he swoops in and receives the same type of gratitude I get on a daily basis. No I’m not frustrated at Z, in all her innocence she’s just acting out how she’s seen other kids be with their dads. And she assumes you say I love you. And that’s not wrong, but in those circumstances there’s years of trust built up. There’s time put in. There’s sleepless nights attached. There’s financial stress involved. There’s fear of loss attached. All the aspects to create what I think deserves at least the start of love.

But she gives it with wreak less abandonment to a man who doesn’t understand the pain he’s caused.

I’m not upset at Z. On one hand I think it’s brave of Z to support E with love that cannot be returned and want to let her make her own choices. But on the other hand I want to caution her on attempting to set sail on a sinking ship. I don’t want to set her on a path where she feels her love is unreturned and therefore somehow not good enough.

For now though, I’m just going to take a day of two to cool off my irrational anger towards E for receiving what in my opinion is undeserving love and I’ll come back to this at a later time.

– Lizzo / Truth Hurts –

If U Suckaz Got A Problem, Feel A Way Wit How I Act Imma Show U Where I’m From, Imma Show U Where I’m At

So this is out of the ordinary for me, but new is we have to make changes to move forward right?

Northside – Lex Talionis

My friend has made an amazing new song and I’ve decided to link it here for a few reasons.

It’s a passionate and powerful song, and while I have to admit I don’t necessarily agree with everything the song represents at its forefront, the depth and roots and beauty is deep within available to those with ears to hear it. Therefore making it the best song he’s ever sent my way. But just because in the surface I don’t agree with some of his lyrics, I agree with him as a person and I fight the same universal fight as him and because of that I want him to succeed in all the ways he wants and so I’m choosing to support him in this way. As we all should support one another.

He’s fighting his fight in the strongest way he knows how and it’s powerful and learned and needs to be heard.

So take a listen, hear the music, hear the passion, and share. It’s worth it.

https://soundcloud.com/whoissep/

-Lex Talionis/Northside-

On Top Of Spaghetti, All Covered With Cheese. I Lost My Poor Meatball When Somebody Sneezed. It Rolled Off The Table, And Onto The Floor

I’m sure EVERYONE will be thrilled to know I found the spaghetti.

Yesterday I sat down in my living room to read and my coworker sent me a text and just as I reached over for my phone I saw the corner of the container under the other arm chair

A chair both I and Little E looked under multiple times. So I called both the kids in from outside and had them sit in the chair saying I had a question for them. They were so excited thinking it was going to be a fun game. Instead, I asked them both what they thought was underneath the chair, but the weren’t allowed to look. I asked if they thought there was anything special about the chair they were sitting on, and if perhaps it was hiding something. I was trying so hard to get a read off their faces but honestly it was a wash.

They knew nothing. So finally I let them know that the missing green spaghetti container was under them, and they both needed to pick it up and deal with it.

So it was lost and now found, but I still don’t know it’s journey in between the fridge and the chair. If only spaghetti kept blogs.

Each Day I Feel So Blessed To Be Looking At You ‘Cause When You Open Your Eyes, I Feel Alive

Oh my gosh! Kids are seriously the sweetest most innocent things ever created in the history of creation and I love mine to bits. I often think about posting photo’s of mine here for the sake of cuteness, but well as unlikely as it seems after reading my posts, I do have limits.

Anyways, in today’s bit of adorableness, Little E and I went for eye exams just to make sure everything is all hunky dory in the optic world for us.

So the assistant is doing the pre-exam stuff, asking all the family history questions and Little E is listening intently to all the answers and even adding his ‘helpful’ information as he feels is needed or asking questions when he doesn’t understand one of my answers. Then she asks if I’m on any medications and I tell her which ones and she asks is I have any additional conditions not mentioned in her questionnaire and I say epilepsy and Little E says what’s that? And so I reply seizures, and he goes ‘Oh yeah when you roll and shake around in the bed at night’. And I could just tell by the look on the ladies face that she honestly thought Little E had walked in on me doing the dirty so often that I had straight up lied to him telling him I was having seizures and I could barely contain my laughter, instead just answer with a straight faced yes. So the assistant’s face was turning so red and she’s like ok that’s everything the Dr. will be right in and got out as soon as possible. Meanwhile Little E is like what’s so funny, over and over. But I honestly didn’t know how to explain it to him so I just told him that the details of someones illness can sometimes make other people feel uncomfortable and we need to learn to be more subtle about it. Lame answer I know, but how else was I supposed to explain that she mistook his complete innocent truth for a twisted lie on my part?

Anyways, the Dr. finally comes in and quickly determines Little E also needs glasses. He actually only needs lenses for one eye but the prescription is pretty big and is causing his good eye to over work. As soon as she announced it I saw tears well up in his eyes. He was not impressed. But she explained that he would only have to use them while doing school work and reading etc so his one eye wouldn’t have to work so hard, and maybe eventually he could switch to just a contact lense in that one eye if we felt that would work for him. But when out playing sports and all that, it wouldn’t be necessary. That still didn’t help his mood. He didn’t really want to choose glasses but finally ended picking an adorable pair in the end with a smile, which was helpful. He just needed the reassurance that he wouldn’t have to wear them 24/7 like Z and I, and after that it wasn’t that bad to pick out what he liked.

Honestly, he looks so handsome. Which is why I want to post a picture but I won’t. I’ll just live with the knowledge on my own that my kids are the most beautiful and handsome ever as well as the fact my optometrist’s assistant thinks my son has seen me have sex and thinks that’s what a seizure is.

Like they say, kids say the cutest things.


-Beyonce/Blue-