Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

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So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

Peace Will Come This World Will Rest Once We Have Togetherness

I remember the time I had a thought that I felt was not my own. I’ve made the connection now that my thoughts had crossed someone else’s stream of consciousness, but at the time, it just felt like the weirdest thing for me as C to think.

I was laying in bed one night and looking at my nails which were painted black and an almond shape, when I had the thought ‘I wonder is this is the bullet that killed Tupac’.

Ridiculous. I never, in my life, think of any of those things individually let alone as a whole. I’m not pro gun. I don’t think of bullets or know the difference between types, nor do I care, Rest In Peace, what kind of bullet killed Tupac Shakur. But there I was cleaning my nails one night when that thought passed by in an instance.

I was stunned. But as I’m going through this process in recognizing the one consciousness, it makes sense that in more and more circumstances, we would have thoughts that are not produced by ourselves if we share one consciousness.

The more we become connected to the universal consciousness, the more we will have situations that will allow us to connect to others who have been in a vibration of such a similar state, that it seems identical and therefore the two streams connect and intersect, allowing previously thought thoughts that happened in that moment with one individual to pass through again, as the universe recognizes the similarities and assumes the same energies as previously created.

As I’ve been growing in this knowledge, I find that it’s more easily accomplished when one is at a state of rest and relaxation. Allowing previously created energies to flow through as well as the release of your own tensions and preconditions.

These are just my experiences and I thought you might want to enjoy it for yourself as we dive deeper into togetherness.

Anyways, if you used to think strongly about Tupac and wonder what bullet killed him, HMU. I’m sure we’d have a lot to talk about. 😉

– The Jimmy Castor Bunch / It’s Just Begun-

If U Suckaz Got A Problem, Feel A Way Wit How I Act Imma Show U Where I’m From, Imma Show U Where I’m At

So this is out of the ordinary for me, but new is we have to make changes to move forward right?

Northside – Lex Talionis

My friend has made an amazing new song and I’ve decided to link it here for a few reasons.

It’s a passionate and powerful song, and while I have to admit I don’t necessarily agree with everything the song represents at its forefront, the depth and roots and beauty is deep within available to those with ears to hear it. Therefore making it the best song he’s ever sent my way. But just because in the surface I don’t agree with some of his lyrics, I agree with him as a person and I fight the same universal fight as him and because of that I want him to succeed in all the ways he wants and so I’m choosing to support him in this way. As we all should support one another.

He’s fighting his fight in the strongest way he knows how and it’s powerful and learned and needs to be heard.

So take a listen, hear the music, hear the passion, and share. It’s worth it.

https://soundcloud.com/whoissep/

-Lex Talionis/Northside-

The Very Rarest Example Of Duality Two Minds Apart With Individuality But Never To Be Apart

Twin flames

Soul mates

All those ‘infinite’ connections are something I wouldn’t wish on someone. All it does is draw you in, and push you out.

The main thing I’ve come to understand on this section of my life since that one dream that started this all. The one where it wasn’t even a dream but I was floating out of my body in the nothingness with K and we had a beautiful conversation about our future and I was first introduced to ideas like twin flame etc, is that if you find your ‘mate’, you can’t actually be with them. Because the more the both of you understand your connection, the more you come to understand that all the energies in your two perceptions are split evenly 50:50.

So if you end up coming together… there is nothing left. In order for the two of you to peacefully come together, the rest of your perception and reality must have been resolved first. If you two as twin flames, started from somewhere, then both set off on your separate ways, leaving a path of creation behind you, then in order to successfully return to one another, you must uncreate everything you both made since you left each other long ago.

This is obviously only achievable if both parties are at a please of understanding and willingness, which unfortunately is impossible. When you both set off, one had to make the first move, and then the other. Which means now and forever, thus infinitely, you will be one step off. Sure you will feel the pull and the desires and the deeper energies with that individual, but unfortunately, the closest you can get is more frustration and pain as you draw closer and then dance around as fear enters. Or they take a step closer and somehow, because of that one step, it pushes you away.

There is, and will always be an unbalanced nature between the two of you. In as much as you know the two of you may be, or are connected. Because of the clues you leave each other. The connections you experience at night while in bed. The moments you hold each other from miles away. The times you see them when they aren’t in the room. The times your perception splits open and they are standing there… it’s only served to make it more difficult, because of the original separation.

Maybe that original separation was the most beautiful thing and was required in order to create one another. Without separation, we would still be one and the same, and what joy does that bring? To be alone in the world? So we separated to allow ourselves to become independent individuals in order to come back to each other with new experiences and stories and adventures to share. Never once did we consider that coming back together, back to ourselves, would be such a struggle.

One that maybe we’ve given up on eons ago. But our innate being would have us constantly trying to find our source. Which because of our initial choice of love, has become seemingly impossible.

So the burden of ‘finding’ your twin flame. Your soul mate. Your self basically. Leads to a major blame game. A push and pull of energy. A who’s who of such. Who was first. Who left who. Forgiveness. Healing of energy. But then, you meet at the 50:50 way. And it’s over. And you realize someone has to leave again to start life again. To start the pain again. So is it worth it? Forgiving, exploring your pain only to heal and be hurt again? To exchange this pain for that healing to start the infinite ♾ cycle again? What’s worse is that it’s not only energy that seems to be split, but knowledge and feeling as well.

And never ending? No thanks. I’m more of a problem solver, and if I’ve opened up and seen the end and beginning loop? And seen in reality and nothingness that there is no possibility of anything different? It seems hopeless and pointless now to me. But then again, maybe it’s just my turn to feel that.

-Broken Hope/Loathing-