Each Day I Feel So Blessed To Be Looking At You ‘Cause When You Open Your Eyes, I Feel Alive

Oh my gosh! Kids are seriously the sweetest most innocent things ever created in the history of creation and I love mine to bits. I often think about posting photo’s of mine here for the sake of cuteness, but well as unlikely as it seems after reading my posts, I do have limits.

Anyways, in today’s bit of adorableness, Little E and I went for eye exams just to make sure everything is all hunky dory in the optic world for us.

So the assistant is doing the pre-exam stuff, asking all the family history questions and Little E is listening intently to all the answers and even adding his ‘helpful’ information as he feels is needed or asking questions when he doesn’t understand one of my answers. Then she asks if I’m on any medications and I tell her which ones and she asks is I have any additional conditions not mentioned in her questionnaire and I say epilepsy and Little E says what’s that? And so I reply seizures, and he goes ‘Oh yeah when you roll and shake around in the bed at night’. And I could just tell by the look on the ladies face that she honestly thought Little E had walked in on me doing the dirty so often that I had straight up lied to him telling him I was having seizures and I could barely contain my laughter, instead just answer with a straight faced yes. So the assistant’s face was turning so red and she’s like ok that’s everything the Dr. will be right in and got out as soon as possible. Meanwhile Little E is like what’s so funny, over and over. But I honestly didn’t know how to explain it to him so I just told him that the details of someones illness can sometimes make other people feel uncomfortable and we need to learn to be more subtle about it. Lame answer I know, but how else was I supposed to explain that she mistook his complete innocent truth for a twisted lie on my part?

Anyways, the Dr. finally comes in and quickly determines Little E also needs glasses. He actually only needs lenses for one eye but the prescription is pretty big and is causing his good eye to over work. As soon as she announced it I saw tears well up in his eyes. He was not impressed. But she explained that he would only have to use them while doing school work and reading etc so his one eye wouldn’t have to work so hard, and maybe eventually he could switch to just a contact lense in that one eye if we felt that would work for him. But when out playing sports and all that, it wouldn’t be necessary. That still didn’t help his mood. He didn’t really want to choose glasses but finally ended picking an adorable pair in the end with a smile, which was helpful. He just needed the reassurance that he wouldn’t have to wear them 24/7 like Z and I, and after that it wasn’t that bad to pick out what he liked.

Honestly, he looks so handsome. Which is why I want to post a picture but I won’t. I’ll just live with the knowledge on my own that my kids are the most beautiful and handsome ever as well as the fact my optometrist’s assistant thinks my son has seen me have sex and thinks that’s what a seizure is.

Like they say, kids say the cutest things.


-Beyonce/Blue-

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Actin All New To Me I Creep On You Like Puberty / The Struggle Continues I’ll Miss You

Little E just casually informed me he spotted some hair “down there” and pointed to his crotch.

No, this isn’t something that I ask him abut often, therefore he felt the need to inform me. However about 2 weeks ago we pulled out a book I got him a while back (I think I blogged about it…not sure) about what to expect when you go through puberty as a boy.  I remember thinking that I, being 100% female, in case you weren’t aware, had literally no clue what happens when a male body goes from boy to man.

I grew up in a house with myself, two sisters, my mom, and a fairly absent dad. At least not a dad who we discussed our changing bodies with. I didn’t kiss a guy, like really kiss a guy until high school and it went straight from kiss to like 3rd base, and yeah, he was pretty developed. I lost my virginity at 19 to a guy who was 28. E’ll be 39 next year. Like all I’m saying is I have ZERO experience with the male species before or heck even during, puberty.

Thus, the reason I got Little E a book on it. I just wanted to be prepared and have answers to questions, as well as have knowledge for situations that might not even have been a question, had the book not bought up the topic.  I remember browsing Indigo for a solid 20 minutes in the pre-teen section, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of options in this category. I didn’t want to get a book that would overwhelm HIM, but I didn’t want to get a book that left out important details that I wouldn’t have answers to. I wanted him to be prepared, but not scared, confident but not loose all innocence. I think the one mistake I made, was that I gave it to him a little to early. We read it together to start, which was something I offered and he liked the idea of bonding through “story” (oh kids, so naive), but we stopped after the first maybe 2 chapters, because things just weren’t applicable to him and he was loosing interest at the time.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, when he was organizing his books one day and decided that because he’s 8 now, the things would apply more. One thing he had learned in those 2 chapters was that puberty can start anywhere between ages 8-12 lol. Anyways we started from the beginning again, stopping often to discuss more things, since he now had more questions and him interjecting where his life experiences now applied.

I learned all about how he’s already experienced erections (something I already assumed based on the sounds I hear coming from his room), as well as how he thinks his “pits” stink.

On the one hand, I’m glad he’s comfortable talking to me about EVERYTHING so easily. On the other hand, as a mother, I wish I never had to know certain things about my own sons body.

EVER.

But I had to also be mature about it. So when he asked what was an erection and we read about it, and he exclaimed “Oh I’ve had that when it gets strong and hard and stands up, and then you just have to wait until it goes back down”? I had to say yes without asking for any more information, and that of course every guy gets them. But then of course the book starts discussing wet dreams, which Little E didn’t quite understand, so I don’t think he’s experienced yet. I tried to explain more so that when he does potentially have one, he’s not embarrassed, and at least has an understanding of what’s happening to his body. Well, that, and he’ll know how to clean it up by himself lol.

So now he’s announced that he’s discovered hair “down there” as he puts it. And I’m just like “Oh good for you” “You’re growing up now” “That’s exciting” “Just like the book said” “Yeah, and now we know it’ll be in coming soon in so many other places too” “How do you feel”

I need to grow up.

In any case, I think now at 8 years old, Little E is more than ready for the book on puberty. It’s me at 30 who’s too immature.


-2Pac, Thug Life, Outlawz/M.O.B.-

Take Me To Church I’ll Worship Like A Dog At The Shrine Of Your Lies

So after K got sent back, I had a little falling out with my mother. I was emotional and needed someone to talk to and you’d think by now I’d have learned that that person should never be my judgmental mom but deep down inside I still want to have a open and good relationship with her. So I try and take steps towards that… steps that include telling her some aspects of my life others may keep to themselves. On one hand it’s a fine line because my mother asks too many personal questions as it is and gets to involved anyways, so I have to make sure she understands that I’m a grown woman and some parts of my life are none of her business, while on the other hand, I do want her advice on certain things, since yes she has a few years on me and experience is always a welcome point of view.

But the thing with my mom is, she gets terribly offended if you don’t share every detail with her and if you don’t DO everything how she would’ve done it, or how she advised you too… which therefore leads me to just not share those parts of my life with her in the first place. Kinda like a “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her” type thing.

Don’t get it twisted, she knows I get high like every night and thinks it’s a great and natural way to handle my epilepsy. She knows about my past with men and… well she thinks it’s in the past, because I just don’t feel the need to discuss every sexual partner I’ve had with my mother. She knows about the rape and the issues with E. Like she knows pretty much everything, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with her.

So when K was sent back, and I really needed someone to talk to, I will never for the life of me figure out why I felt like calling up my mom instead of any one of my girlfriends who knew about K already. Or one of my coworkers who saw flowers get delivered from him on my birthday. Or my sister N who met him when we walked over to her place one night. Or anyone else on the planet apart from my MOTHER. But no. Somewhere deep inside caused me to call my mom. Because I was missing a guy.

I can’t remember how the conversation went, because it didn’t go well. I was just looking for someone to tell me it would be ok, and basically my mom was not in a position to do that. She was mad at me because I hadn’t told her about K sooner. I tried explaining that K and I weren’t together/dating officially or whatever, and so there was nothing to say. I don’t feel the need to run every friend past my parents for approval. It’s not like I was keeping secrets. Then she pulled the whole ‘You’re still married’ card out on me. Yes, officially, I am still married. Since my divorce has taken over 3 years, and is still not finalized then, yes I am still married. So your right. I guess I am formally a ‘heathen’ for that. Which lead her to asking why do I even go to church still. So I thought about how I would tell her in the simplest way, without hurting her feelings too much.

I don’t really believe in God. That’s not true. Well it is, but…  Ah, I believe there’s a being out there. A fantastic divine being that has somehow orchestrated this world. But I don’t believe it’s the god that’s discussed and portrayed in the bible at most churches. So, yes. Until that call with my mom I attended church and it was fine. But mostly it was to instill certain values and morals into my children from a young age that are taught at the church. Like the fruits of the spirit, patience, self control, joy etc. Also, then my kids could see my parents once a week, as well as play with other kids.

Well let me tell you, that went over like a led balloon, and my mother was like ‘don’t bother coming if that’s why’ I know very Christian of her lol… but needless to say, the last two Sundays the kids and I have chilled at home because of this and it’s been very nice. Then this morning my Dad texted to see if we were going to church. I said no, so he asked if he could take the kids. Sure why not I figured. Even though I know my mom probably put him up to it, my dad is just trying to stay out of the drama and be neutral. He’s the least likely person I know to start an argument, mainly because that would cut into his TV time and heaven forbid that ever happens! But anyways, he showed up this morning with a coffee for me and picked up the kids and said he would drop them off after lunch. He made no comments about how I should be going to church or anything about K. He just lets grown people live their lives. Something my mom is having issues with.

My mom thinks I should only date one man who I plan on marrying, and only once my divorce is done. I’m like how will I know I want to marry them until I try dating them? Oh she also thinks that I should have to introduce him to my parents within like the first week of meeting him, but that my kids shouldn’t meet him until we’re practically married. Yes I’m almost 30 but she feels the need to intrude on my sex/relationship life with her ‘advice’. She was so offended by my secret keeping because apparently she thought this whole time I’ve been living on my own, I was… I dunno celibate or something? And I guess her finding out I’d been hanging out with someone for almost a year messed with her. Why it affects her life so much I’ll never get.

I could understand if she was offended that I didn’t tell her I had a boyfriend, or was officially dating someone, but I wasn’t. I was messing around with K and a bunch of other guys. And I didn’t think she needed to know every time I took my pants off. But it’s just like the last little while before K went back things changed between us… things were said… feeling became… deeper for a lack of a better word, and that’s why I was so emotional about it, and needed someone to talk it out with.

99% my fault for choosing my mom and disturbing the balance of our relationship. 1% her fault for assuming I would tell her all those personal details that she doesn’t need to know about anyone besides her and my dad.

Either way, I have an unexpected kid free morning, and I’m liking it!


-Hozier/Take Me To Church-