I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-

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Through Waters Uncharted My Soul Will Embark I’ll Follow Your Voice Straight Into The Dark And If From The Course You Intend I Depart Speak To The Sails Of My Wandering Heart

No “new year, new me” junk in my trunk.

I’m a woman built on all my failures, and all my triumphs. I didn’t change dramatically overnight, no one does. I’ve blossomed over all my days and years on this earth to become who I am today.

Someone who still struggles with this life, but I’m learning more and more every day.

I’m discovering who I am, and why I’m here. I’m learning that we are all here for a purpose. And I’m learning to be more sensitive to that nudge that is leading me to my purpose. Once in a while the nudge will move me ever so gently, and sometimes it’s like an unwelcome fucken’ tidal wave and pushes me over the edge, whatever/whereever that edge may be,  but I’m being moved in the right direction I think. Actually I know.

Because I know I’m moving forward. Sometimes at a more graceful pace than other times. Once in a while, I fall smack dab on my face and get massive road rash across my nose or chin, but I get up and start again. But it’s not like I have to start fresh or from the beginning, I just continue to move onward from where I landed. And if you truly stop to think about it… even falling flat on your face is technically moving forward, so… there’s that.

So, in moving forward, I’ve been busy purging my house room by room. Which to be fair to my house keeping skills isn’t that difficult, since I don’t keep that much extra crap around. But I’m trying to get it ready to list, hopefully within the next couple weeks, maybe sooner. I should really set a “goal” date to do that by, but I’m not good at setting those types of deadlines. I’m more of a “let’s just get it done when it seems best”, and so far in my life, it’s worked for me. By the end of January though for sure I wanna have it up for sale.

It’s nerve-racking to say the least, because if I list it too soon, and it DOES sell quickly, but we don’t have a place in Kelowna until June… then my only option right now is moving BACK in with my parents for the interim. Which is not my ideal situation, so if you feel up to it, pray or send good vibes or do what you do when you want something to happen, to try and help this whole transition go over smoothly, and in a timely manner, hopefully avoiding the whole parental house situation. But, I’m also aware if I don’t list it soon enough, I might not sell it in time, and that could also jeopardize the move. AGHHH, adulting is so difficult sometimes. I just really don’t wanna live with my parents again. Like at all. Like zero part of me wants it. Not even the random hair on back of my left ankle that I can never seem to shave properly is rooting for that scenario.

I was over there last week because my mom was having car issues so I took her grocery shopping, even after I suggested she just take an Uber… actually even after I offered to pay for an Uber for her, but could tell she was going to pout all day and probably bring it up at a future family event, how she gave birth to me or something else she did for me in the past, but I couldn’t drive her for groceries when her car broke down. It’s not like she was stranded at the store or anything. She was literally at home and it wouldn’t start but apparently needed to go the store THAT EXACT MOMENT. Anyways so after just spending those few hours alone with her was enough for me to confirm that she is such a narcissist. But she passes it off as caring. It’s the weirdest thing. She needs to have complete control over others, most likely because her inner self is so chaotic, so it gives her some semblance of peace. Or she just gets a high off of it. We’ll really never know. But she’s just doing her. It’s good I guess. For her.

She asks too many personal questions in my opinion, for instance, in this visit alone, she asked about my finances (how much EXACTLY do I have saved for my house, and of course the answer was not enough). Am I on birth control? Excuse me? I literally started it a week before so could honestly answer yes, but she probably asked because K was at Christmas Eve at her place and so assumes we’re messin’ around, which was assumed correctly, but still not her business. How much do I weigh now (because now she’s doing intermittent fasting, and obviously want’s everyone to do as she does, which is hard because she switches fad’s more often than normal people switch underwear). And on and on it went.

And I realized, I don’t care. Sure, she can ask questions about me. That’s her choice. As for me? I’ve decided I’ll answer with complete honesty, since I have nothing to hide. Well some things I probably should hide according to social norms, but hey, she asked, and I don’t care because I’m proud of my life. She wants to dig around in my sex life? Too bad if she doesn’t like the answers, I’m not embarrassed. She thinks I haven’t saved enough? I’m actually pretty proud so far, even if I can’t buy a $500,000.00 house, I’m a single mom, and I can honestly say I think I’m doing damn fine. My weight? Good with me. I’ve made changes to my body that I know will stick because they weren’t due to the latest trend or some extreme diet or for anyone else. I did it slowly and steadily, and I like what I see when I look in the mirror, much more than I did before. Is there room for improvement? Duh, but I’ll do it my way, because this is what gives ME confidence, not because I’m trying to make someone else happy.

What I won’t accept though, is when she starts handing out unsolicited advice. Or looking down on me for the choices I’ve made or am making. I will make my own decisions, and live my life how I choose to and do so with dignity and confidence. I do not judge others on their choices, and although I don’t like them sometimes, or they wouldn’t be the choice I would make, I would never look down on someone because of that, or spend countless hours trying to make them see or do it my way.

If they wanted to have a chat about my choices and why I do things the way I do,  without trying to change them, then I would be up for that, but I wouldn’t feel “less than” if they left the conversation still wanting to do things their own way. So when she started going in on me for certain things I’m doing and why they’re “wrong” at least to her, that’s when I began to push back. And she was not happy. Unfortunately, too bad for her.

I wasn’t rude, or mean. I just stood up for my choices, even though they were contrary to what she would have done, or at least said she would have done. When it comes down to the wire, everyone’s actions speak louder than words.

So, I’ve decided to keep my actions, words, and thoughts, pure and true to myself.

The worlds gonna do what it’s gonna do.

People might say one thing, and turn around and do another, maybe to impress someone, or out of fear, they back away from their original choice, or for any number of reasons they don’t defend their thoughts and choices and decisions and beliefs.  But I’ve decided, really… what do I fear?

Nothing.

Nothing here in this immediate world presents enough of a threat to me, for me to turn around and change who I am and what I stand for. Because of what? What they THINK of me? I know what I THINK of myself. And that is where all the power lies. So I will make my choices. Some of them may be “bad” to others. Some of them not the ones you would make. But they are my choices. And I hold them. I back them up with my thoughts and beliefs. And either way, we can’t go back to change them.

Because time moves forward.

Thus, no ‘new year, new me’. I’m built on everything that came before, and continue to grow in that. I cannot change anything in the past, nor would I want to. I can only move forward and grow, learn, and love. Well I could move forward and not grow, as many do, they just move forward with time, without expanding their mind and spirit and soul, but that shit ain’t for me.

I’m CHOOSING to grow. And to stand firm in my choices. Because they are mine. They make me, me.

And who wouldn’t want that. To be the person your choices make you.

Choose wisely, because frankly at this point, the past choices no longer matter. It is only the decisions moving forward that have any further impact on who we become.

So think now. Long and hard. Who do you want to become.

From this point on.

Because that’s all that’s left.


-Hillsong United/Captain-

 

 

So What We Go Out. That’s How It’s Supposed To Be. Living Young And Wild And Free

Friday night, my kids spent the night at my parents house. Which was the first time in a while that I had the night off (like you all know from my Mother’s Day rant). So originally I had plans for May 19th with a certain someone, but as with life, plans change. So I ended up going out with a few friends for appy’s and drinks and then spent a few hours on the dance floor where I danced with anyone and everyone and it felt SO good.
I haven’t had a reason to dress up (although I wore a t-shirt, jeans and my chucks but I actually did my hair and makeup) in so long. And I haven’t been hit on in public in forever. Probably because I’m never out past like 7:30 at night without my kids. So it was just such a stress reliever. Just good ol’ fashioned fun. And I love dancing. But I was asked 4 times for my number and managed to not give it out once. Because this was just a night for me. And not me trying to hook up with new guys. Like yeah I’ll dance with you for a while but I’m not interested in seeing you another day. This was for the then and there… and that was it.

I was dropped off back at home around 3 AM and then slept til around 10 ish without having to worry about the kids. Well that’s a lie. I was awake around 6:30 out of habit but after going to the bathroom decided to go back to bed. Then since I still had the day to myself before I had to pick up my kids, I went to get another tattoo.

I only had two previously, but I’ve been wanting another one for a while now. It was a work in progress since I had to get the piercing first a couple of months ago, let it heal, then I could do the tattoo to go with it. But I’m happy about how it turned out, and excited about what it represents.

The dermal piercing head is the bird, and the tattoo is the empty cage. Showing there are no longer any bars holding me back, and how there’s nothing but freedom ahead. 

And then E and Z for my kids.

When I showed little E the tattoo and explained that the E was for him and asked him how it made him feel, he shyly said special. And that’s all I needed to hear. I told him and Z that they are special to me. Now and forever, which is why I’ll have them with me always. His smile…. I’ll never forget that moment.

But more importantly for myself, to never forget what it felt like in that cage, and as a reminder that I made it out once, so don’t lock myself back in.

The choice is only mine.


-Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa/Young, Wild & Free-