Why Do I Give Valuable Time To People Who Don’t Care If I Live Or Die / In My Life Why Do I Smile At People Who I’d Much Rather Kick In The Eye?

Frustrated. I guess that would be the only way to suitably and simply describe how I’m feeling now.

I’m stuck when it comes to my divorce. I feel any move I attempt to make will only be detrimental to my case and I hate that feeling.

Last you heard, I had contacted my lawyer and he sent an email saying something along the lines of us being very close to completion, but I just had to update my Legal Aid file. But when I contacted Legal Aid, they informed my that there was in fact nothing wrong with my file, but while they had me on the phone, they decided to do an update on my file.

I knew that would only turn out bad for myself since I know I make more than the limit now allowed for coverage by them. Turns out I was right. The lady on the phone said they would contact my lawyer, informing him of the situation. If the case was near completion (which it technically was, as mentioned by my lawyer, but knowing E it could still take years) then they would allow him to finish it off under my files current ticket with the subsidized coverage. If my lawyer felt it still had a lot longer to go, then he would have to wrap up whatever had been done thus far, and I could choose to either proceed with him, at full cost, or find a new lawyer, again paying full price.

Fast forward to today… and I still haven’t heard from ANYONE. So I feel like if I make a move and reach out to anyone, it might shine light on circumstances that might be better left hidden ie how much I make. Maybe my lawyer is wrapping things up and we are almost done like his previous email said, although that was like Christmas time-ish if I’m not mistaken so I’m doubtful that’s the case.

Agh, I just hate my divorce being basically controlled by others who realllllly don’t give a fuck. No-one cares that I’ve been dealing with this shit for FOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKEN DRAWN OUT MESSED UP ANNOYING AS ALL HELL YEARS. 

Four years. I could’ve gotten a University degree. Shit I could’ve been over halfway to becoming my own Lawyer at this point. At least then I would’ve known that without a doubt my legal counsel had my best interests in mind at all times. But nope. I’m sitting here feeling like my hands are tied. My lawyer doesn’t care, and E is just playing his continuous games.

If I had wanted to remain married for 8.5 years, I would’ve just stayed with E in Kenya.

I don’t.

I didn’t

I want to be divorced from that man.

Now.

And forever.

I’m not waiting for death to part us.


-The Smiths/Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now-

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Got Everybody Watchin’ What I Do Come Walk In My Shoes And See The Way I’m Livin’ If You Really Want To

I have to stop tempting the universe.

Each time I say “I’ve had enough,” it turns around and is like OHHHH but wait there’s more.

You know that stupid saying “The world/God/life/ only give you what you hand handle’? I must be the Queen of the fucking world after all this junk.

So to start off my day (yes, just to start) I was driving to work and trying to get in the right mindset since I spent the morning yelling at my kids to hurry up and get ready.

You’d think after 4-5 months of a morning routine before school, Little E would know there’s no time to read books in the morning. I mean I love the fact that he loves to read, but common! Get ready first, then read. Nope instead lately, morning after morning I find him laying on his floor with a book, still in his pajama’s, and then we have to do the hustle and bustle to get out the door on time. I’ve tried taking the book away, but he just picks out a new one. I tried explaining to him about just doing his jobs first then he can relax on the couch until it’s time to go. And now, I’ve resorted to raising my voice/yelling. Which leads to me having to explain my frustrations to him on the ride to daycare. I have to tell him that yes, I did lose my temper and that was my responsibility, but it is his responsibility to do what he has been told (many times) which is get dressed, eat breakfast, get cleaned up, then he can read.

I explained that I’m annoyed that I have to keep telling him something fairly simple over and over, and at a certain point, he needs to take responsibility. Especially since he’s growing older, and I want to be able to trust him with those things, so that as he grows, I can add more things. How I know I can trust him, is when he can do it on his own without being told/reminded. So I apologized for getting mad, told him I loved him, and we both agreed to work on our faults and not let it ruin our day.

So, anyways back to the drive to work. I dropped the kids off and continued on my way with my music blaring, and like I said the universe is like oh C, just guess what we have in store for you today, because while I was stopped in traffic dancing like no-one was watching (and even if they were I don’t give an eff) when a car slams into my rear-end and I go flying forward.

Great, hey? Just what I needed. To be rear-ended. So this young kid gets out and I’m trying to figure out what the hell just happened. All my shit is everywhere in my car. Hot coffee splashed everywhere, paperwork all over the floor/dash, like this was not a gentle nudge. And he walks up all nervous and I’m like just relax buddy. It’s not the end of the world. Yeah it sucks balls, but it is what it is, but we can’t go back. Just give me your info and let’s take pictures so I can get to work.

So we exchange information and I head off to work. But since then, my body has been literally vibrating. My neck/back are actually hurting and as ridiculous as this sounds, my knees are actually becoming so sore, I don’t even know how that works but I think they slammed into the dash somehow. It’s like as I progress throughout my day, everything is becoming more and more stiff and sore.

Anyways, this kid is like 18-19 years old and is having his dad deal with it, which I don’t care really.  I’m just annoyed that now I have to find time to file a police report and deal with this unnecessary junk. I also made myself a chiropractor appointment for after work today because I’m that sore already. I can just imagine what I’ll feel like tomorrow.

So, to top off my day (yep you heard me, that’s not all folks) my appointment that I booked back in like late September to get a prescription for medical marijuana was supposed to be today but shortly after I got to work, they called to cancel it. They said they would re-book me in the “near future” which aggravated me because my wait time from Sept-Jan was a “short wait” according to them, so near future could literally be months away and they don’t give a shit.

Now, when I say I’m done. I really mean it. I don’t mean let’s test C some more to see how strong she is. I mean this stopped being fun a long time ago.

This is all I can handle. And no, I don’t want to see if I’m right or wrong on that point.

I’m stating it as fact.

I’m done.

*UPDATE**** I”ve just been informed by a fellow blogger that, yep, I should go get tested for HIV just in case, since sometimes it symptoms can lay dormant for years…. so that’s great/ read my last post for more info****


-T.I. Feat Rihanna/ Live Your Life-

Cause For Every Lie I Tell Them, They Tell Me Three This Is How The World Works Now All He Thinks About Is Me

Whomp there it is (Whomp there it is) Ahh I need emoji’s on my computer’s keyboard so I could follow that up with musical notes or something.

Anyways. My shit gets shittier (Don’t correct my grammar, let’s just all assume at this point I know I’m making up words, it’s called artistic licence), as it’s prone to do. I’m not sure if E is just… well I’m don’t even have words to describe anything he does anymore. I don’t know if it’s for attention or out of boredom or what have you, but he felt the need to call out of the blue on Saturday, after canceling a play date with the kids (yes his once per month, if that, visit with his own spawn) to inform me that there’s a rumor going around about him.

Oh. My. Actual. God. E. I don’t care. I’m not in Junior High any more. I don’t spend my days fighting gossip OR spreading rumors, and I most definitely don’t care if it’s about you! But he proceeded to insist that I needed to know that this rumor was not true, and that I had to know. Fine! What is it?

Well I guess, first off, he supposedly (let’s all take a moment to remember now, EVERYTHING E’s ever told me ie. his age, his secret daughter that he claimed not to know about, him not doing drugs, where our money was going, him not ever even hitting me, he’s going to sign the divorce papers, every word from his mouth has been a lie) anyways, according to him, he heard at his dad’s funeral, which was back in August 2017, a rumor about him having HIV, which he adamantly denies as being true.

When he first told me I honest to god said that’s fine I’m never fucking sleeping with you ever again. Like is this some weird twisted plot to try to get me back? Then for a split second, I tried to think of the last time we did have ANY physical contact, on the off-chance it was true, and he was denying it. My mind was at ease so fast remembering right away that it’s literally been 4 years this week sometime (THAT week back in Kenya), and I’m pretty sure I would’ve shown some sort of symptoms by now, duh.

So after reassuring myself that I was fine (after 4 years symptom free and just a lying ex to show for it) I realized what had made it even worse, was the fact that he had supposedly known about this “rumor” since last summer and has just now thought to tell me. Wow thanks buddy. In the end though, I’m quiet confident that unfortunately it’s just his paranoia working overtime, and he made up the rumor in his head. It’s probably the reason he cancelled the visit with the kids, since he was too afraid to leave his house. Which is best for the kids, because they shouldn’t have to be around someone who is scared of everything and literally thinks the world is out to get them.

But I did chastise myself for letting his head games and paranoia get to me after all these years, even if only for moment. I allowed myself to get carried away with his game to the point of having to trace back when we were together, and then for complete disclosure to you guys, I even considered how in the world I would ever contact all my one night stands from in between then and whenever I last messed around maybe last Feb, since I have zero numbers in my phone. It pissed me off that I let myself get involved and play his game. I honestly should know better. And I think deep down I do know better. But I have to do my due diligence right? What if it was HIV? What if for ONCE in E’s life, he was telling the truth? Now my kids are potentially at risk. Everyone around me is at risk if I don’t take precautionary steps. So yeah, I fell for it. I looked up symptoms right now as I type, and how long they take to appear just to be certain.  I’m feeling much better now knowing I’m loooooong past the 2-4 week stage. But still frustrated at myself for letting him get in my head. Twice. Once during the phone call and again now as I confirmed. Aggggh.

So, that was that incident.

Move onto yesterday when I get an email from my lawyer starting with, word for word “We’re so close to completion”

YESSSSSSS!!!! Happy dance.

But then it goes on saying that I have to contact legal aid to update my file before he can continue. I’m using legal aid because at the beginning of this 4 year long drawn out divorce, I had just flown back from Kenya with 2 kids, and headed back to school so I had zilch to my name, and legal aid allowed me access to a lawyer at a reduced rate. Fast forward to now, where I own a house and a car and I’m pretty sure I make more than the limit for legal aid. So now I’m actually nervous to call legal aid because they want me to do a financial overview.

I don’t wanna.

‘Cause what if now I make more than allowed by legal aid, and so I can no longer access their services? Well turns out my fears were accurate. After an hour and forty-five mintues on hold today I finally got through to find out that according to them, I now make enough money that I should be able to afford a lawyer at a “normal rate.” You know because I wasn’t having enough annoyances with money lately without this junk thrown on top of the heap.

All this did was make me more mad at E. At this point I feel like he should have to pay my legal fees if they are going to increase a whole bunch (which they are). Now hear my logic on this one. I’ve had a lawyer at a reduced rate until now (January 2018 basically). And according to him, ‘we’re so close to completion.” So had E not delayed the divorce/signing the agreements for FOUR years, it would’ve been done a long time ago, way before this month. So now, if I have to go and find a new lawyer and start again (well not the whole process over, but he’ll be new to me and I’ll have to explain everything again which takes time, and to lawyers time is money) then that’s going to cost me big bucks, which quite frankly, I think should come out of E’s pocket. Agh, just to see my lawyer say that we’re almost done, but then have this happen because I’m doing better for myself is a shot while I’m down. I’m trying to move up in the world. It’s like, were all those student loans and mortgage payments and dateless weekends and sleepless night worth any of this shit lately?

I’m still here.

I’m still married to this dick.

Yet I’m still a single mom struggling.


-Taylor Swift/I Did Something Bad-