Let’s Go Back Back To The Beginning / I’m Shedding Shedding Every Color Trying To Find A Pigment Of Truth

The other night I woke up from another one of my very real dreams I’ve been having the last few months/years and was hit with the stark realization that I have in fact been on a few lame dates.

I know I’ve complained the entire duration of my blog that I’ve never been on a nice real date, and in my mind the ones I’m about to describe still don’t really tick all the boxes of what a perfect date would be for me, but I woke up feeling like I should give these guys credit and at least appreciate the effort they put in. So here are my two stories.

The first guy I met online, obviously. This was before I met E or was married or anything. I was just a single 19 year old girl having fun. Anyway, he suggested we meet at very reputable wine bar that I’d never been to, but he knew quite well. This guy was fantastic. He helped me with my coat and pulled out my chair for me, while complimenting my appearance. He helped me in deciding which wines to try and ordered a nice appetizer for us to share. Like to be honest it was really sweet. The conversation never lagged and we shared a few jokes. It was good. After we finished up at the wine bar with him insisting on paying since he invited me out, he suggested we go for a stroll in the river valley and I just remember being so thankful that this man had ideas and could lead the date without “let’s go back to my place” being his only suggestion. This man had depth. I was impressed with his career choice, being that he worked for Red Cross and I was still reliving my glory days of the orphanage in Namibia. We were a great match. We spent about 4-5 hours together that night, all of which I enjoyed…and then I didn’t hear from him again. So I assumed it was over. In my mind I had messed it up at some point and he was obviously to good for me being that he was perfect, and that was that. My phone dropped in a toilet a week later and I lost my contacts and I couldn’t even text him first to see what happened. So zero contact UNTIL, I got a call one day after I was married to E and I can’t remember if I was pregnant or had just given birth to Little E, but I know I had a baby on my mind, so who should call like 2 years later but this dude. I guess he was sent out with the Red Cross soon after our date and had been in and out of the country since we met (according to our 1 minute phone call) He said sorry for not being in touch, he’d been thinking of me often, and could we possibly meet up?

Dude. I’m married now. With a kid. No! But even at that point I remember thinking I wish he had called sooner. I wished he had saved me from my poor decisions before I felt trapped in my marriage. But no. I was committed and I wouldn’t cheat. So I basically hung up on him and that was that. Another lost chance, to little to late guys.

Moving on to guy number two that my dream brought up. Oh man this one hurts to remember. It’s like my consciousness is working on reconciling everything it had previously shoved to my subconscious but now… well now I’m working on healing those thoughts. Anyways this one was painful, because I think if I hadn’t had this one phone call with this dude, I might have made many decisions with E differently. I don’t think I would have stayed with him from the get go. But we all know I did so….

The story goes like this. Well not the story, but the reality of my life unfortunately lol.

This guy again I met online. We went out a few times. We knew each other for maybe 3 weeks total until the fateful call? Nothing ever made official. But we went out dancing a couple times, he knew a lot of different clubs in town and every place we went he knew half the patrons in the place which was a little uncomfortable for me since we weren’t together and he was free to roam around and therefore so was I. But it left me in a club with a lot of guys hitting on me which I’m not a fan of, while he was basically off flirting. It was weird. But this was the guy who I sex with all over town. Parking lots, club doorways, public bathrooms, back of his car, front of his car, you name it.  Anyways, he did take me out to dinner once for Malaysian food which was delicious. They served amazing fried rice in a carved out pineapple and the most decadent satays, which I’d never had before but soon became my favorite. And he paid. So pretty much a date right? Anyways because we never made it official and I had issues, I was still looking for something better. And I think I wanted to make him jealous so that he would make it official (look I’m just being honest) So I was still browsing online. Plus it bothered my super low-confident self that he would still flirt with chicks at the bar when he went there with me. So that’s when I met E. I met up with E two maybe 3 times and then got the flu (not from him, just coincidence) and in my very selfish and conceited mind, I felt like maybe the guy/s that were warming my bed would want to warm my throat (not that way, get your mind outta the gutter) but maybe be kind and bring me soup or something. I just wanted someone to take care of me, that’s part of why I was “dating” in the first place. E was at work so he wasn’t available so I called the other guy.

I can’t for the life of me remember the exact wording of the conversation or how I tried to manipulate him, but I remember it backfired tremendously, so good for him. As you can imagine, he wasn’t impressed that I was involved with someone else (not sure how that came up), and I didn’t understand what the big deal was since he made it clear he could mess around so I figured what was good for the goose etc. Anyways I made the comment “you know what kind of girl I am” in response/defense to something he said, trying to indicate that had he made it official, I wouldn’t cheat. But we were just casual, so I held no allegiance to anyone at that point. And he responded with ” I obviously do. Your sneaking behind your mans back tryna to get the best of both worlds” or something darn similar. And it hit me. I’m not the kind of girl who deep down specifically tries to manipulate men. It’s not my mission when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to be a person who uses people. So I remember thinking I would be different with E. I wouldn’t turn into “one of those girls” And I determined to end my one night stands and make it work with the guy I had.

And we all know how that worked out…. Talk about wrong place wrong time, E turned into my 10 year prison sentence. All in an effort to “not be that girl” I tried like hell to make it work with him.  I’m hoping this is enough punishment to atone for all the guys who feel wronged/used by me in the past.

And although I was a girl who used men to satisfy my sexual desires on many occasions in the past, I can say this for myself. I never coerced any of them. I never forced sex or anything alone those lines on anyone. Men came to me willingly (who wouldn’t 😉 )  and I allowed it. We both walked away satisfied. Just because it hardly ever turned into something long term, doesn’t mean I was using or abusing men. We both mutually benefited and walked away with what we came into the night for. Sexual satisfaction.

So yes, I know what kind of girl I am. I’ve become a very self aware girl who tried to make up for the potential hurt feelings of past men, by trying to make it right with the wrong man, by linking myself to him even when I knew deep down it wasn’t right. And I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that I still very much enjoy sexual satisfaction, but not with random men anymore. I’ve learned that loving the wrong man will not heal the pain of loving the wrong ones. I’ve learned that I need to love myself most.

Which is a long road my subconsciousness will not let me get off of.

My journey to my healing has begun. And I’m good with it.


-Hilary Duff/ So Yesterday-

 

 

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I’m Not Your Gumdrop, ‘Cause I Walk All Alone I Got My Tough, Tough Power And I Call This Body My Home

Real quick personal post…. hahaha which of my posts aren’t personal, this whole blog is my life story lol. But anyways quick is my point. I’ve made a semi dedicated goal (let’s get real, all my goals are half assed, but let’s see where this one gets me) to get more in shape. Not a New Years resolution, but just something I’ve been complaining about for months and I now have the energy to deal with. So I went back to the gym today and got a body scan done before my workout by the trainer for starting reference and the results surprised me.

So in my head I had a good 50 lbs to lose and I’d be ‘happy’ or at least I feel I’d be more/most comfortable with my body. I’m not 100% sure since I’ve never been that kinda weight my whole adult life. Since all my recent fluctuations I’m now officially back up to 225 lbs. Not something I’m proud of but it is what it is. My goal was always the 170-180 range. I’m 5’9 pushing 5’10 and I felt that was reasonable, but wanted to feel it out along the way. I’m in no way now, nor have I ever been considered petite or small framed. I’m big. Which is just fact. Like I have curly hair. I’m fat. Nothing good or bad either way.

Anyways, one of the trainers at the gym did this scan to figure out weight vs. body fat and muscle etc, and the main thing that stood out to me is that right now I’m at 21% body fat which is less than 50 lbs. And my muscle mass was crazy high in comparison. So I thought being a certain weight would change everything, but this scan made me realize how deeply weight is I only a number. If I get down to my ‘goal weight’ there’s a high possibility that I start to deplete muscle mass which I’ve worked hard to gain. So it just led me to discover that yes, I’m overweight but I’m also quite strong, which I knew. It helped me recognize the work I’ve done so far at the gym has been not in vain and also that sometimes numbers on the scale are just that… numbers.

So while I do still want to lose weight, I think it’s more of a focus on body shape and my image of myself as opposed to just reaching an arbitrary number on the scale. I want to be healthier and mainly I want to be happier. Happier when I try on clothes and they fit the way I want them to. I can’t do anything about every god damn pair of jeans being to short, but I can change how my massive muffin top/beer belly hangs over the front. I can’t change how saggy my boobs are after nursing two kids and the fact that ones more saggy than the other, but I can tone up and be able to have more choices in bras in stock since I won’t only fit the absolute largest one. I can’t do anything about my stretch marks, but I can tighten up my tummy so they aren’t stretched to the max still. So as much as I’m not NOT impressed with my body, there ARE things I can do to improve it. I guess I just needed today to show me how far I have come already and the possibility that my goal of seeing a certain weight reflected on the scale was an unhealthy one. Each body is different and I learned my body is far stronger than I give it credit for. And although I’m not gonna win Miss Universe anytime soon ever, I’m also not going to be blown over in the next breeze and I can be counted on to help you move your couch… and I’m not just talking about holding the door open. This chicks got muscles 💪🏽.

-BAUM/This Body-

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

The Conversation Dies Apologize For The Past Talk Some Shit Take It Back

This whole adulting thing is not for me. I’m either too immature for it or not reading any of the signals correctly, or just ridiculously ill prepared for it and quite frankly I don’t want it. If I could bring some magic receipt back to some store of life and say I would like a refund on… everything, just take it back and I actually don’t even need my money back, just my sanity or perhaps the finality of a quite death, I would be a completely satisfied customer.

Anyways, I had the following conversation yesterday with a dad of Little E’s friend.

IMG_0347 (Edited)

So originally in my mind he was asking if Little E wanted to hang out with his boy today, seemed harmless enough. But then nope, somehow I got it wrong and he was actually inviting his son over to my place, which to me seemed weird all on it’s own but I actually preferred it this way so Z would get to play too. So I was honestly totally fine with it. Fast forward to this morning when I went out for groceries before the playdate and ran into the kids mom at Superstore. Real small town vibes here. Anyways we got to chatting and I brought up how funny it was about the text yesterday and the misunderstanding etc. Seemed fine and dandy to me, but then 1:00 o’clock rolls around and the kids dad drops him off and he can’t even look me in the eye. I’m just like what is going on? So he brings up the fact that his wife mentioned how I was offended over yesterday’s conversation… Wait what? Not at all! I thought it was an easy misunderstanding, pretty silly once you read over the texts, you understand it could have been taken either way from the start. So I said I was completely fine and explained the whole Z thing and how this is better for us anyways. But he could barely look at me the whole time.

I’ve had this man in my house for games night with his family. We’ve drank beers together and although we’re not the best of friends given how new we are to the city, I thought by now he would’ve picked up on how easy going I am. What I do think happened though, is his wife made this to be a much bigger deal than necessary to the point it became slightly awkward between us.

That, is a major reason why I’m not a fan of adulting. If this had happened on the playground of some kindergarten class, the kids would’ve just all stood there together, most likely screaming at each other until they all felt their voices were appropriately heard, and then the situation would be nearing done. But as we grow older, there are more “protocols” or “social norms” we must follow. We have to make sure no ones feelings are hurt and we have to “be gentle” to each other. We have to be careful not to step on each others toes at the possible detriment of our own other relationships or our own feelings, perhaps embarrassment included.

I was fine with the text and was ok to just have Little E’s friend come over. I told his mom when I saw her at the store not to spread gossip or to get his dad in trouble, but because she’s my new friend too and I thought it was a funny story and I was making conversation. But somewhere along the way, things get twisted and blown up until a simple event became a full blown situation.

Something that could have just passed and become an easy memory that we might even chuckle at one day, becomes a scar or blemish on our record because thoughts occurred that suggested feeling were hurt. And it went down the rabbit trail from there.

Which is why I’m digging around looking for my receipt on adulthood. Being a child was such a simpler time, and to be honest, it’s all our fault.


-Blink 182/Here’s Your Letter-

I Don’t Want A Lot For Christmas There Is Just One Thing I Need And I Don’t Care About The Presents

Christmas is coming. You know how I can tell? My sister R sent me a text this morning. Nope scratch that. R sent me 8 texts while I was driving to work (before 8 am) and another 4 within a few hours of me arriving to work, all related to what I should get her family for this upcoming holiday. Let me remind you that this is my super religious sister who told me she would not attend my next wedding due to her deep Christian beliefs… before I had even decided to divorce E. No I wasn’t engaged and planning a wedding, nor was I even dating anyone (still not but that’s the story of my life). She just felt it was her place to let me know her stance…because religion and all that. (about that R story here = Nobody Said It Was Easy. No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

So when I got her texts suggesting what I get her kids and husband for Christmas, I was just like, R… back off. I understand that you are literally the most frugal person to ever exist on the face of the earth, but I am a struggling single mom of two children who hasn’t even figured out if I can celebrated a decent Christmas with my own kids, let alone buy for my extended family, so just step the fuck off. If I want to buy for your 4 kids (yes my nieces, but just bare with me here) then I will ask you what they want/need, I don’t need you plying me with unwanted/needed pressure right now. Besides, I thought you of all people would be gung ho about the whole “reason for the season” shit. You know? Jesus and the birth of Christ stuff? The whole God you follow whole heartedly enough to kick me while I’m down and put me on blast about all his rules regarding divorce and crap? What are his rules about gift giving over his sons birth or commandments about being greedy?

There’s got to be some boundaries somewhere!  R, I believe Jesus Christ the Saviour of your world only received 3 gifts on this holiday, and that’s without providing an extensive list. Three presents is something R and her husband J can give their children without providing extended family a wishlist. And I can guarantee the big J.C. didn’t get a pair of fuzzy onesies when he made his debut into the world, like they are asking for.

It’s just beyond annoying when people use religion as a crutch when convenient. Or jump on the bandwagon when that belief suits their need in that moment. I’m sick of the consumerism built up all around us, holidays or not. Do you even know why your celebrating this year? Or are you just thankful for the day off? If that’s your reason, then let it be your reason. Be happy to take some well needed R&R and just treat yourself to some family time if that’s what your into, or indulge in WAYYYY to much to eat if that’s what you need. You can enjoy quietly without choosing to berate people who celebrate a birthday thousands of years ago if that’s not your thing, just do your own celebrating however you decide, there’s no need to mock them or belittle others of any religion.

But for the love of everything good, just pick one and stand by it. Be true to you and who you are. It doesn’t have to come at the expense of others. You can have strong beliefs, that’s amazing. It also doesn’t have to become something extravagant and ridiculous until you are so caught up in it, that you don’t even remember why you are “enjoying” the holiday in the first place.

Take the time to figure out what you believe, or if you haven’t yet, decide what you want to believe.

What do you want to celebrate.

And then do it. Live it. Celebrate it thoroughly and truly every day.

But just remember, each individual must choose for themselves.

And for the love of everything good and sane, don’t ever assume someone is going to buy you a present.


-Mariah Carey / All I Want For Christmas-