You Spin My Head Right Round, Right Round Just Like My Mind Where I’m Goin’

You guys. My life should literally be a hit TV show. The drama is NEVER ENDING!!!!

Ok. Buckle up and get ready. Or sit down with a cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate (no judgement) and relax, whichever suits your fancy. But here’s the latest saga of my crazy life.

So, my new lawyer went on Monday to special chambers (should that be capitalized/does it matter?) to get an order to dispense of E’s dower right’s on my house. Basically to let me sell it without his “permission.” The outcome on Monday was bitter sweet. First, technically, the order was granted. BUT (there’s always a but), unfortunately my lawyer made an error in the letter that he sent to E’s lawyer. So E’s lawyer thought the appearance was yesterday (Tuesday) instead of Monday. Therefore, the order from Monday was pretty much pointless and my lawyer, being the decent guy he was, went again yesterday to court meeting E’s lawyer. The upside is that he wasn’t going to charge me for both, geez thanks.

Yep. On Tuesday the order was granted again, BUT (yes again), it’s conditional on me providing the purchase documents of my new Kelowna property.

So, lol, the problem with this is some time over the past couple days, I can’t even remember the exact day anymore with all this craziness, it came to light that the new property management company of the park where the place was that I was going to buy, implemented a new month to month lease agreement. So on the recommendation from my realtor as well as a few other people in my life with real estate experience, I backed out of that house deal. Basically, if I bought that particular house, I would be living in a place that I might have to move out of in a months notice, and I just didn’t need that stress on top of everything else. You know what they say, pick your battles.

So, yes… the order was granted, but on the condition that I provide the purchase documents on this Kelowna house, which I can no longer do. So I emailed my lawyer last night after he told me the just of things and I explained what had happened regarding my Kelowna place. I explained that I do still plan on moving, as well as purchasing a new place, but just not that particular one, and asked how badly does that fuck everything up… not in those words though.

Fast forward to today, where I have to cut a $14,000+ check to release my current mortgage, and my realtor’s saying the keys have been released etc. So I’m feeling like I’m in a catch 22 seeing how everyone is moving along as if things are just dandy. I already let my lawyer know what the deal is. And so if he’s informing everyone the order’s good to go, maybe I should just ride with that. But, maybe for some reason he didn’t get my email about the Kelowna property and thinks everything is kosher, which is why they are processing everything as if there is no longer an issue.

I don’t want to put to much in writing to my realtor or real estate lawyer just in case they are allowed to move ahead anyways. I don’t wanna make a move that fucks things up even more. So since I’ve sent my email last night to my lawyer and again one this morning to his assistant, I think that’s good on my part? No? Yes?

Aghhh, I hope it’s good. Because living with my mom again who expects to have hour long pointless conversations every night is enough stress in my life at this point lol.

-Flo Rida/Right Round-

I Could Be Right, I Could Be Wrong It Hurts So Bad, It’s Been So Long Mama, I’m Coming Home


So it’s Monday. And of course so much has happened over the weekend (as per usual).

So we last left off with the email from E’s lawyer saying that Mr. lawyer dickface wanted E to go for a full mental evaluation to ensure he is capable of signing any documents before moving forward. He also ‘forbid’ me from moving the kids out of the province at this time (whatever). The literal best part of the email though, is when he said I forced E to have his phone on, connected to mine while I waited in the car and E went into his office, so that I could monitor their conversation. Literally! His lawyer wrote that. I’m like dude, I was sitting in the waiting room, and your office is 5 steps away at most, and the door was open. All it will take is a quick look at either/both of our phone records to see that you’re lying out your ass!

Like you guys, his lawyer is a slimebag. So, instead of sitting and dwelling on the ridiculousness of the situation, I fired my cheap legal aid lawyer who we’ll all admit has done nothing and bit the $4,000 retainer bullet to hire one of the best family law lawyer’s in the city. After a 15 minute phone call with him, he had already laid out a plan about what steps he would take and when. So I met with him on Friday, and he’s already in court TODAY to try and dispense with E’s dower rights (his right to my house), and then we’ll move on with the rest of the divorce. His main premise was if Mr lawyer dickface thinks E isn’t competent enough to sign, and is requesting a mental evaluation, then why should we be waiting for his signature. It’s obvious to everyone involved that he’s very mentally sick, and therefore my life should no longer be held up by this. And his lawyer should have known this sooner.

Sooooo, I went ahead and moved out of my place this weekend back in with my parents in preparation for this supposed house sale that was initially going to close tomorrow (April 10th) but depending on what happens in court… Well we’ll see. Either way, I have to pay $14,000.00+ to close out my mortgage and realtor fees etc. Needless to say I no longer have any money for a down payment between that and my new lawyer, which means I’ll probably lose the beautiful place in Kelowna I found (and have an accepted offer on currently) because of a lack of deposit. I’ll probably end up renting at this point. So that sucks.

The move? Let’s just say living minimalistically helps immensely at a time like this lol.  I packed my first box on Thursday, since I still didn’t know if  the sale was going to happen or not at that point. Heck I still don’t know. Anyways, I packed everything between Thursday and Saturday while also working and meeting lawyers and all that fun stuff. I moved most of my stuff out to my POD/storage bin myself, since I wanted to have everything as ready as possible for when people came to help yesterday.

It took 6 of us 1.5 hours yesterday to move all the big furniture out to the bin and then I stayed for an hour to clean, and that’s that.

Goodbye house.

Now, we’re back at my parents house where my Dad has officially nicknamed me the boomerang. A very fitting and undesirable monkier. My mom asked how many times I’ve moved out and then back home and at this point I can’t even attempt to count, but it’s easily half a dozen.

Yea me.

-Ozzy Osbourne/Mama I’m Coming Home-

I don’t care about titles anymore

It’s been a while.

A long stressful while.

I was sick last week just from everything going on in my life and just didn’t feel like writing, nor did I have the energy. I honestly can’t remember what I’ve told you so far about my recent life shenanigans, so I’ll just start off where ever and hope you can fill in the blanks as needed…. Great blogging at it’s best hey?

So. I had an offer on my house and after a few negotiations back and forth, we settled on a price, where I’m loosing money on the deal but we all knew that was going to happen from the get go. The inspection went fine. They got their financing in order. Everything should be good to go right?


Turns out when I took it to my lawyer to do up the final paperwork, they require E to sign. Ummm? Excuse me? WTF for? This is my house. I’m the only name on title. I bought it AFTER I filed for divorce. E has never lived there, never paid a bill, never had any responsibility for this house. Why in the goddamn mother fucking world do I need HIS signature to sell MY house!!!?!???!??!!  Well “apparently” the lawyer says, it’s so he can’t come after 50% of the sale. It’s so he understands what I’m doing with my property. WHAT THE FUCK! It’s my property. My name is the only name on the property. There should literally be no need for his signature. And we all know how long it takes for that idiot to sign anything. So I asked my lawyer what happens if E doesn’t sign this house document? To which he informed me that the buyers could sue me for breach of contract for at least the value of the house, if not more if they can’t move in when they were supposed to get possession (which is April 10th).

So here I am. Everything was all arranged and looking good. I even had finally made an accepted offer on a great place in Kelowna, which I won’t even discuss now, since right now, I’m back to E fucking up everything in my life.

I have been calling E and texting him since the weekend trying to explain how important this house paper is for him to sign. I asked him to make an appointment with his lawyer so he could go and sign. So he told me he made an appointment for yesterday (Tuesday) at 3. I asked him no less than a dozen times if he was sure he had an appointment, and if he was ready to sign, he said yes.

So I offered to drive him. I wanted to make sure he got to his appointment on time. So I left work early yesterday to go and pick him up. He still hadn’t sent me his address, so I had to go looking through old emails and texts to find it, meanwhile hoping he still lived at that house. All day he wasn’t answering my calls so I’m just hoping he hasn’t taken off somewhere and that he’s actually still planning on going to this meeting. Around 2 o’clock I’m parked outside what I think is his house and I”m calling him and texting him repeatedly. At this point I don’t care if I look like a stalker, I actually had a brief moment where I thought maybe, just maybe this whole E fiasco could’ve been finished yesterday. All the papers could’ve been signed and I would’ve been free.

But no. He’s not answering my calls or text’s even when I said it was an emergency… give me a break, to me it was an emergency. And it was even more annoying because I could see that he was on WhatsApp reading my messages. So I’m sitting there in my car deciding if I should go knock on this door where I think he’s renting a room, when he walks by my car.

So I laid into my horn for much monger than necessary but it felt so good. He turns and I yelled at him to get in.

That’s when I lost it. I vented so many years of anger I’ve had towards him. I yelled and cursed and screamed and cried and just basically told him how much I hate him for ruining my life.

And of course he just sat there not understanding what was going on with his hands between his legs staring ahead at nothing. Story of our lives.

I didn’t even feel better after I was done my rant because I knew it fell on deaf ears. All I wanted him to understand was that I needed him to sign the papers TODAY.

So we arrive at his lawyers, where he has guaranteed me he had a 3 o’clock appointment.

He didn’t.

He literally just walked back into his lawyers office and sat down even though the lawyer was with another client (I was so dumb to ever marry this body) so the lawyer had to tell him to wait outside for a minute as his finished up with his current client. I was sitting in the waiting room (like normal people do) and I saw the other clients walk out a minute later.

Then I hear E go in and his lawyer ask what he’s doing there since he didn’t have an appointment (surprise surprise). So E said he was there to sign. Then his lawyer says he ADVISES E NOT TO SIGN!!!!

I can hear this from the waiting room and I’m like hell no! So I walked to the room, and interrupted them by asking him why he would advise him not to sign, if he specifically said he came here to sign? Is this what you as his lawyer have been doing for the past 4 years? are you the reason I’m still married? I honestly felt like in that moment he was taking advantage of E and his disability. So the lawyers like who is this to E, and E’s like oh she drove me.

So I’m like I’m C, I drove him because he said he had an appointment and he wanted to sign the documents that you for some reason are telling him not to sign? Why?

To which the lawyer got all flustered and told me to get out off his office, and of course I replied back with the obvious that I wasn’t in his office I was standing outside the door. ;0 And that he should respect his clients wishes, if E wants to sign, let him sign. To which he stood up walked towards angrily me saying things like who am I to tell him how to do his job/get out of the office etc. SOOOO I said his job was to get us divorced. And if he couldn’t complete that in under 4 years he was failing at his job miserably, so maybe he needed someone to monitor him and watch to make sure he was doing his job and not taking advantage of individuals who have no idea of whats going on because they are so mentally disabled like E. What was he trying to do? just rack up more chargable hours? Which by the way E can’t pay because he quit his job over a month ago, but I didn’t tell the lawyer that. That’s just something I get to stress on all on my own, not having the child support income.

Anyways, I walked out of the office and got into my car and drove a little ways away and started crying. My realtor was calling trying to figure out what to do about this E thing, my lawyer was calling asking if I had any suggestions. And I literally just wanted to be left alone. If I had ANY idea on how to persuade E on how to sign a simple paper, I wouldn’t still be married now would I.

So I just cried. I drove away and left E to find his own way home. And I cried. A lot. And I got very frustrated and overwhelmed to the point where I felt that nothing, nothing was worth this… whatever this was. And I decided to go home and kill myself. (welcome to my very honest blog)

So I got home near 4 o’clock and grabbed a knife from my kitchen and walked down to the basement. Where I cried. A lot. I tried calling K but he was at work and it went straight to voicemail, which frustrated me even more. So I started toying with the knife around various body parts and that’s when my mom called.

And so I answered and just cried. She thought E had hurt me again as I started telling the story, but it wasn’t that. It was just reaching the end. Just being so utterly exhausted that you didn’t feel you could go on. I was talking on the phone with my mom when K called back and we had a perfect conversation that I really needed.



So interrupt everything. My lawyer just called and said E’s lawyer sent her an email saying he doesn’t think E is capable of signing and he needs a full medical evaluation before continuing. Story of my fucking life. I’m done for the day.


We Need To Take It Back In Time When Music Made Us All Unite Money Can’t Buy Us Happiness Can We All Slow Down And Enjoy Right Now

Lately I’ve been wondering how people gather enough courage to run off and start a new life.

Legitimate question in my mind. I figure now would be as good a time if any to run away, and I’m just done with my life as is. So, that being said, how do people gather the strength to just leave everything and start fresh somewhere new.

My house has been sold and so I have to pack up and be out by April 10th anyways. I had to buy a new car on Friday (which is a whole other post), I’ve just become too frustrated with literally everything going on with attempting to purchase a new house in Kelowna, that I’m not even interested in moving anymore. I’ve made offers on three different houses that have been outbid and they ended up accepting CASH offers that went way over original asking price. So I honestly feel I didn’t even have a fighting chance. My boss is acting like I’m not trying, asking what I could’ve done differently, and what’s my plan “little missus” UMMM first off, don’t fucken call my little missus you chauvinistic pig. Second, I know the fucken deadline, I know my damn budget and I realize we are supposed to be moving in 3 months. It’s not my fault I don’ walk around with $350,000+ CASH in my bank account so my offers have to have a “conditional to financing” in them…. like most normal peoples do. Agh, I’m just over it. Like I want to walk into work and quit. But now my house is sold, half my pocket cash went into buying a good car, so that it wouldn’t be an issue for years to come, and so I have to keep this job for now.

Of course there are so many other factors contributing to this thought train, but I’d honestly like to know, what kind of pre-planning goes into a situation like this? Where you feel like nothing is fucking worth it anymore/you’ve failed at it all, and a new start with 100% new people sounds delightful, but terrifying at the same time.

Pretty much the only thing stopping me at this point, and obviously the most important part,  is the fact that I obviously don’t know where I’d go, and therefore I don’t have a job. If I had a mobile source of income, some online business etc, I’d be out like there was no tomorrow, but since I have kids to support I can’t just be taking off with them with no plan on how I’d be buying groceries in a month, or their education etc.

But the idea of starting over. New. Clean. Mistake free.

Sounds delightful.

But for now, I’ll just have to suck it up, realize that I’ve fucked up, other people have fucked up, and money is far more important than it should be.

-Jessie J/ Price Tag-

Open Up Your Eyes You Keep On Crying Baby I’ll Bleed You Dry


It’s been quite a week. First, on Monday I got my first offer on my house. You know what they say, the first offer is usually the best one, so after a few negotiations back and forth, we settled on a price, which I was alright with, I mean I already knew I was going to lose money on this deal so I just had to go with it.

Turns out we’ll be moving back in with my parents for a bit. The possession date is April 10th. Tuesday, a weird date, I know. But that means I have 3 weeks until I have to be packed up and moved out. And Easter weekend is in there. Not that I do a ton for that holiday, but it does throw a wrench in the time sensitive situation.

I’m totally not prepared for this move. I haven’t started packing a single thing. I don’t know which storage/shipping company I’l be using. I have no idea who I could get to help. Scratch that I have an idea but I currently can’t ask them. Also, and most importantly, I haven’t found a place to move in Kelowna yet…. so there’s that.

Another curveball? My car. I was pulling out of a parking lot with my kids last week and there was a grinding sound as I turned the wheel. So I stopped and got out to take a look. Lucky me, my front tire (ok here’s where it becomes SOOO apparent that I know very little about cars, feel free to laugh at my awful description) had somehow come slightly off the car… whichever part it was supposed to be attached to, and was just kinda resting there sideways. So I had to call a tow truck while the kids played in a nearby McDonald’s playplace. The Tow truck driver was super helpful and nice to the kids. He ended up giving us a ride home and honked the airhorn a couple times for them. He even worked it out so that my damage from the previous rear-ending from January (that I’d yet to deal with, since it really didn’t affect the car’s day to day running) and this tire issue could all be fixed at once at this mechanic he knew.

So he towed my car to the mechanic’s who called me up a couple days later, saying that when he called the dealership for parts, turns out there was a recall on that part, and if I brought it to the dealership, they would fix it for free. Great I’m thinking. Except when I call the dealership, their making a big deal about how they can’t be sure it was the actual part on recall that caused the damage so they couldn’t guarantee anything. I’d have to tow it there and have them look at it first. I’m like my mechanic called asking for this specific part, and YOUR the ones who told him that there was a recall on that part soooooo? Then I asked if they would pay for me towing it to their shop etc. and again they were like well we can’t be sure the damage was caused by this particular part being defective.

So anyways, now I have to pay a second time to have it towed to the dealership, on the off chance they will fix it for free. If they say it’s not because of this recalled part, then I have to have it towed back to the mechanic’s, who I’ll remind you already said it was this defective part that caused the issue.

So confusing and frustrating.

Meanwhile, I spent the first day ubering before realizing that would cost me a fortune and have now been in a rental car for over a week, and at this rate, it could be upwards of 2 more weeks before I get my car back. A car that I hated in the beginning.

If I wasn’t moving and dealing with a new house, I would’ve just bought a new car instead.

Next, I think something is going on with E. He’s been messing up on support payments lately, so I’ve been trying to call or text him about it, but he never answers. Plus, I think I mentioned how he hadn’t seen the kids since January. Well yesterday was his birthday and little E called to say happy birthday. It was the most awkward call ever. Even more so than normal.

At the start of the call, E mumbled something and neither little nor I understood it, but little E, said “Hi it’s E Happy Birthday” and so E said oh thank you… and then nothing. So there was this awkward pause, and then little E finally asked where he was, and E said he was making his bed. So little E asked again “Where are you” E replied making my bed. So I stepped in and said he wants to know where you are in the world not what you are doing. Which is when E said he was here in town. Apparently, E said he’s been here for a week, but that doesn’t add up with anything he’s been telling me recently.

So today when we went for lunch at my parents, my mom and I were talking about, and she thinks E may have lost his job. Great. There goes child support.

I just felt bad for little E. The call was awful to listen to and little E is slowly losing his male role models one by one. It was just hard to see the look on his face as he talked to the man who was supposed to be his dad, and see him so disappointed. Yet I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’m just frustrated with it, and hurt. For my kids. I hurt for my kids. The deserve so much better. They deserve a dad who cares for them. Who is capable of caring. Who never walks away. Even if things get tough.

And I failed to give them that.

Let’s just say a lot of tears have been shed this week for a lot of reasons.

-Kings Of Leon/Closer-

Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Just a little late You found me Why’d you have to wait To find me?

I’ve come to the understanding within myself that I’m not where I’d like to be in my life. Which, on it’s own is not that big a deal you’d think right? Just go out and change, or get what you want etc. and you’d be all good C right? Except that where I want to be is out of my own reach.

After I wrote my last blog, I truly realized how much I wanted another baby. For some reason i didn’t think it was that big of a deal before, but after I let it out, like put it from my mind out to the world, it made it so real… too real.

All I ever wanted to be was a family. A wife and a mother in a perfect little family. I didn’t realize it was such a deep truth for me until I’ve come to see how much of a failure I’ve become in this area.

I wanted a simple wedding with a first dance. Maybe a honeymoon if I was lucky. I wanted cute little kids, to grow up with two parents who love them, and each other. I wanted to cook dinner for my family while my husband helps the kids with homework, or shoots hoops in the backyard. I wanted to go for family walks after supper while my man and I hold hands and the kids run off ahead. I wanted to see my husband change a diaper just once, or rub my pregnant stomach and maybe sing to our unborn baby. I wanted to have fun looking at houses together or even putting furniture together.

I even wanted to do my mans laundry, because folding clothes is my favorite. And as I fold his clothes I can make note of which items are wearing out and needing replacement. I wanted to nurse a baby in the middle of the night that my husband carried to me because it was “his turn”.

I wanted all these things and more, but I experienced none except the cute kids part. And the thing that chokes me up the most, is that I can’t change it. I can’t make a man appear, let alone love me and choose me. I can’t make another baby happen on my own… well technically I could but that won’t change the course of my single mom life.

Sure I can make dinner for my kids. I can fold their laundry. I can take them for walks. I can do all these things mentioned… but I have to do them alone. And trust me. Four years of experience tells me it’s not the feeling I’ve been looking for.

Imagining holding someone’s hand… not the same as feeling it.

Imagining laying in bed with someone else? Not the same as feeling their warmth and hearing their breath.

Cooking for two kids? Not the same as making a real meal for a man.

So I’ve just realized that I’m not where I had hoped to be, and frustrated that I cannot do a damn thing to change it on my own.

So instead, I’ll just have to keep plodding ahead as I am. Attempting to be the best mom I can, to the two kids I do have. Because they only have one parent in the picture which means I have to be doubly good…. maybe even more so because my efforts so far haven’t been top notch.

-The Fray/You Found Me-

The Versatile Blogger Award


First off, I received this nomination a while ago from Wednesdays Child, and just haven’t gotten around to it. So dear Wednesday’s child, thank you for the nomination and sorry for the delay. I’ve received a few of these kind of “nominations” in the past and have just kind of ignored them, because one I’m a bitch and two I just had too much of my own story to get out, I felt it more of a priority. But this weekend I reached over 1000+ followers and I decided that as open and honest as my blog is, I will take this time to add “interesting” to the mix… you know, be versatile 😉

I checked back a few blogs from my own nomination to see where this started as well as to get a sense of what to do, and I was left honoured and humbled to see how many people across the globe that were already out there reading my blog. I never thought my life would be so attractive to this many individuals. But thank you. So:

The rules for accepting this award are simple:

  • Write 7 interesting facts about yourself
  • Nominate 15+ amazing bloggers for this award

Pretty simple hey? Just you wait.

Interesting Facts:

  1. I have no clue how I”m going to figure out which 15 people to nominate. Not because I don’t think there are more than 15 amazing bloggers out there that I would love to hear more about, but because I only truly follow like one blog. The rest of the time, I just look up key words in the reader tab, and read whatever seems good to me at the time, or that my heart is longing for. I do check in with some of the blogs I follow maybe every 2 weeks or so, but I just don’t currently have the time in my life to read all the amazing content you all produce… all the time, so I just skim. Sorry. Again like I said, I’m a bitch.
  2. I’m currently writing my first book/novel whatever you want to call it. I’ve obviously never done this before, and I know my writing skills leave much to be desired, but I have an amazing story to tell, and I want to get it out there. It’s not my life story that you’ve read here already, but I promise it’ll be equally as fascinating lol.
  3. I want to have another baby. I know that doesn’t seem very interesting because I’m a female in her thirties, most of us probably want babies. But for me, I thought since my divorce, I’d be done. I thought I would be okay with just my two kids. One boy, one girl, perfect right? But this past little while I have had a huge desire to have another kid. The interesting part comes from the fact I have no source of sperm at the moment. Not that a dad should just be a sperm donor (although for my oldest two he was/not really but you get my point) but I’m just saying…. that’s kinda a big part of making a baby and I’m missing it.
  4. I’m the most prim and proper girl you’ll meet right off the bat. I know all the proper protocols and manners. But give me maybe two-three weeks (yes it takes that long), and I’ll become comfortable enough around you to let my guard down a little more each time, so that you can see the more relaxed me. That version of C is super witty and quick with jokes and comebacks. She’s the girl people gather around at coffee breaks because I’m always cracking jokes, and sharing stories, but I also give great advice and have the ability to show empathy like nobodies business.
  5. I’m a bitch. I have unanswered calls and texts on my phone that initially I forgot about, or one of my kids was playing on my phone when it came in so I missed it. But then I don’t respond. Some times I intend to do it later, sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to that person, so I just leave it for that moment. But then the moment turns into days, and then sometimes weeks, and then it gets to the point where it would be awkward to respond and so I just don’t. So for some of my friends, or at least people who would have still been friends if I had cared more, they stopped trying. But to be honest, I’m ok with that. I recognize their valid frustrations and respect their move. But I also think a few opposing things. If they were true friends, they would still try, and if they were true friends I would have taken time to return the message right away. And if we were meant to be talking still, one of us would’ve just shown up at the others house, because we would’ve been missing each other so much. But I don’t miss them, and they probably have to many hurt feelings of being ‘shunned” to even start missing me. So what starts out as laziness, selfishness, just not wanting to get into a interaction with another human one night on the phone, results in me loosing connections. Have I learned my lesson? Well I know the cause of the problem, but I don’t know if that’s enough at this point to make me stop.
  6. I recently lost 50 lbs. I did it without surgery and I’m pretty proud. I’m not where I’d like to be yet, basically because I’m not sure where I want to be. I know that I was able to look in the mirror a few weeks ago and for the first time I loved what I saw. And I was in a swim suit! So even though I’ve made HUGE strides towards the best C, I feel that I’m not there yet. What I’m trying to be very careful in doing though, is make sure I’m getting to a place thatwant to be. Not getting a certain body image in my head because mainstream media says it’s the most beautiful, or because men like a certain thing, or because humanity says you should weight “this” much. I’m taking careful time and consideration into what I want. How I want this body to function. What do I need from my body, and therefore what will I give it in return. So, because of that, yes I’ve lost weight, and plan to lose more, but this has been so much more that “getting to a goal weight.” This is about getting to where my body works the best for me.
  7. I have had a love/hate relationship with my life. No, I’m not (currently) suicidal, but sometimes it can feel like everything is going so well, and you want to live forever until all of a sudden, something takes a turn for the worse in this journey and all of a sudden it’s a shit show. Because of this, I’ve started to really make a change in my thought process, by always choosing positive. I’ve had some solid proof in my life regarding things along the lines of manifestation and “thinking” things into being. So, as a result, I’ve not only changed the direction of my thoughts to try and remain positive, but also ‘decided” on somethings in my life. Once some things were decided on, I could move forward in my life with more ease. It’s like instead of stressing on things, or always circling around to those undecided thoughts in my head, if a decision had been made, I could just repeat the answer to myself a few times and move forward with other thoughts. It eased stress and lol, freed up time.

So, there you have it. 7 “interesting” things about me. I tried to keep it interesting, by thinking if I read these, would I actually think “Oh interesting/neat/cool/wow” in my head. If not…. no good lol. Now on to the stressful part.

Amazing bloggers that I nominate!:

  1. A Dating Dad
  2. Our Marriage and Domestic Discipline
  3. Divorcing A Narcissist
  4. Fever Inside The Storm
  5. Every Once In A While
  6. Curious Clitty
  7. Bronte Plant Whisperer
  8. Hitting 60
  9. The Struggles
  10. The Realm of Silveryew
  11. Free To Live
  12. 1kindness2day
  13. Blink
  14. Faded Jeans Living
  15. Make It Ultra


And that my readers, is my list. I didn’t check it twice cause I’m not Santa, but, have fun… Or ignore the nomination for days/weeks like me, until it becomes to awkward to do.


The Mood Is Set Don’t Want It To Clash My Body’s Screaming Out Now. I Know You Hearin’ It, You Got Me Moaning Now.

I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks after leaving the gym early.

The creeps are REAL! I’m not normally one to be bothered by annoying guys. Like I can handle myself, but today I was just not in the mood.

I went during my lunch break to workout, looking forward to it (I’ve grown to like it 😁). So I jump on an elliptical to do a quick warm up and during the last maybe two minutes, I notice this guy get on the one right next to me. Not necessarily a big deal… even though there are about 30 other available cardio machines, but I didn’t think much of it. Instead, I finished off and then went to stretch. That’s when I realized he was right near me again. So I finished my stretches and started my workout.

I purposely decided to change the order of my workout and started with an exercise that used a machine where only one was free. So I picked the last available machine and saw him stay and stretch, so I figured it must’ve been a coincidence and went on to forget about him. Once done my sets where I was at, I moved to a machine that used pulleys and had a few sections available (I have no clue what all the gym contraptions are called. I know how they work, and that’s enough for me). So I’m in the middle of my reps, with my earphones in mind you, and he walks up and asks if he could use the other side of the machine. I didn’t even realize he was talking to me at first because I was concentrating on working out… like I thought everyone did at the gym. So then he got a little closer… kinda uncomfortable in my face close and did a little wave, I had to drop the bar and put out one earphone and he repeated his question. Which was if he could use the other side of the machine. I said sure (obviously, since I don’t own the machine) and put my headphone back in. But then I realized he was still chatting to me, so I had to stop again and pull out the ear piece again before he rambled on something about the gym being extra busy today (I didn’t notice, like I said, I was focused on my own workout) and so I just nodded as I shoved my ear phone back in.

I finished my set and went to move on to my next exercise when I saw he intended on following me again. And like I said, normally I can deal with this shit but today I wasn’t having it. So instead of grabbing more weights, I just walked to the change room, and here I am (Well here I was. Now I’m actually finishing off this editing before work Wednesday morning). Finishing my lunch break across from the gym in the Starbucks, having a coffee and ranting about creepy guys at the gym. If I had known every time I went to the gym it was going to be so annoying, I probably wouldn’t have signed up. I honestly just wanna go, do my thing and leave. Without being hit on. Or being reminded of guys I might’ve slept with in the past.

Like it’s not my fault that leggings are far more comfortable to work out in compared to jeans, and they just happen to hug my body much more. I also will not apologize for the fact that I’m wearing a sports bra to hold the girls in. Yep, my nipples sometimes show through the bra and my shirt and yep, you can tell I have it pierced, but I won’t hide that. I’d much rather have pointy nips, than wear my everyday bra and have my boobs jumping all over the place while I’m doing cardio, and actually getting sore. I also don’t wanna sweat up all my regular street clothes since I have to go back to work. I also don’t care about how I look while stretching. I’m stretching my body to avoid tight muscles, not to wiggle my ass at people. I feel like I could go on and on.

I feel like a need a body guard at the gym. Guys. Stop this!

I thought about making my own line of gym tops for women because of this.

Things like:

“These headphones mean I wanna listen to my music… Not you”

“See these muscles, they mean I don’t need your help”

“Use whatever machine you want, just don’t tell me”

“Do you even lift? Because I can bench more than that”

“Nope. Shhh. Stop. Don’t.”

“I’m not here for you, I’m here for me”

“I’m here to work out. Not find a guy to go out”

“Unless your line is better than Jay-Z’s, you’re interrupting”

“I’m not taking my earphones out for you”

“PSA! This is a gym, not a club”

“I only have an hour, I don’t wanna spend it with you”

“Go try and pick up those weights, not me”

Wow, C… I’m on a roll! and those are just off the top of my head!!!!! K, I gotta get to work. But I might spend some time investigating some shirt options.

On shelves near you soon! Or probably just via my site lol.


The Scars Of Your Love Remind Me Of Us They Keep Me Thinking That We Almost Had It All

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?

Physically pains you to think about the sheer amount of emotion you have for them?

The desire you have for them to… to just have everything they ever wanted, no matter what it is. You just truly want them to be happy and to succeed, and you know they will. You wish them the best in finding what their heart desires and embracing it wholeheartedly.  The amount of time spent thinking about them. Hoping they are ok. Hoping they are more than just ok. Hoping they are excelling at whatever they are doing in that moment. In any moment. In every moment. Hoping they have friends around them they can trust. Who lift them up, and encourage them, that make them smile, and listen to their thoughts and stories. Keep them safe, laugh with them, debate with them, make sure they are smiling, while helping guide them down their path on the journey they choose.

Have you ever loved someone so much that spending time with them is so bitter sweet? Because while you are with them, it is everything good and comforting you’ve ever known, and so you revel in it. While you’re with them you are constantly thinking of what little things you could do to improve their day, to ease their stress, and brighten their mood.  But when they leave it breaks your heart. Possibly even causes uncalled for tears to escape from your eyes?

Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you dream about them at night? Only to wake up with tears in your eyes and then realize you’re lying in bed alone. Again?

So, in an attempt to eliminate the pain, the pain that happens when they leave. The pain that happens each time you part ways, you do what you think is best, and choose to love yourself. It takes work. And time. And so much effort. But you realized that you have to be stronger. You choose to protect yourself, from that repeated pain. Not that the pain was ever intentional, never, of course not, it only came when they were gone, so it was only their absence that ‘inflicted’ the pain. But that pain was becoming too much. When they started giving you more and more of what your heart so desired, time, touch, everything beautiful…. you feared the day it would stop, because it was so wonderful, but also realized that you didn’t deserve for it to ever stop. You were the perfect woman for this man, you always have been and you deserved to have these things forever.

So one day, after waking up from a night full of dreaming of him, you took all the strength you had in you and your newfound but never lost love you have for yourself, and in the most real, truthful, beautiful, kindest way you knew how, you built up those walls to protect yourself. From losing everything you had ever desired. The perfect man for you. Your love.

Because you needed it. The other people in your life still needed you to properly function daily. They can’t have you walking around crying because you lost the love of your life. So you stop it before it gets to deep. While you feel you would still be able to recover from this loss. Before it became everything you dreamed. In case it ever got to that point. And you lost it.

Of course you still love them, that never stops. And if they asked, you would be with them in a heartbeat.

But for now, you just love from a distance.

To save yourself the pain of the separation. Because that pain isn’t necessary.

You can love someone, but you don’t have to hurt yourself in the process.

As for me?

My love is so deep. And if this was written on paper it would be covered in tear drops. So I don’t know if I retreated in time, because I’m barely functioning.

But I’m also still loving.

-Adele/Rolling In The Deep-