I Slit My Throat To Watch You Die Mutha Fucka Rest In Pain

The friend I told you guys about a few posts back (here:If U Suckaz Got A Problem, Feel A Way Wit How I Act Imma Show U Where I’m From, Imma Show U Where I’m At)  has his album out now.

You can find it on spotify:   A Noose and a Nudge

And his video on YouTube here: Lex Talionis: Northside

Like I said before, I don’t agree with everything  pretty much anything the music says. It’s explicit and violent, but I’m out here sharing it because everyone deserves to have their voice heard, and I’m not about to judge who’s gonna rise to the top based on presentation.


-Lex Talionis / Atlas Shrugged-

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This Girl Is Half His Age Don’t Stand So Close To Me

I made a mistake.

As a mom. I didn’t realize how my comment would affect Little E until the other day I went to give him a hug and kiss, which is pretty standard in our house and he turned his head so I could only kiss his cheek as opposed to his lips. So I asked if he was to mature to give his mom a little kiss? Let’s be reasonable here just for discussions sake. It’s not like we kiss with tongue or anything longer then a quick kiss to show affection and love. It’s nothing sexual and totally fine. But when I asked that he replied that no, it wasn’t because he was to cool, it was that a few days ago I made the comment that he should not kiss Z (his little sister for my new readers) on the lips. Now. For perspective, my kids just turned 6&9 this summer. And once in a while when they go to bed or say goodbye, they’ll give each other a big hug and a kiss. And apparently my uncomfortableness felt the need to push its way to the surface finally and I asked them to build walls between themselves to make myself feel better.

When he said that, I felt like shit.

I didn’t mean to cause him to think showing affection towards anyone is a negative thing, or something that needed to be reviewed in his life. In fact I have no logical reason for making that offhand comment to him other than for the same reason I no longer allow them to bathe together or don’t let them have sleepovers in each other’s rooms. I have fear.

I don’t want anything happening to Z. Now please, please don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Little E would ever do anything intentionally her or vice versa but as a mother I have to understand kids are innocent, but they also like to explore. So since I have the knowledge of that, I have to use my personal position as an adult in authority to prevent any harm to either of them in anyway that I can. That includes any potential sexual exploration among each other.

I know. This is a very taboo topic. And one that each family decides for themselves.

I for myself was never sexually assaulted as a child by a family member, but when you hear stories, you want to make sure you are considerate of others pain, and think of ways to keep your own kids safe.

Obviously, I’m being on the extreme side when I bring up the term sexual assault. But it starts somewhere. And so I have to teach both of my kids safe boundaries in regards to how they treat their bodies as well as how they approach others. I wanted to make sure Z felt ok with how she was being ‘loved’ and also that just because someone else wanted a kiss, didn’t mean she had too. I said the same thing to Little E. Like if we go to even a family get together or something and you don’t want to hug or kiss someone, you don’t have to. And from there, no he felt uncomfortable giving me a kiss to.

So I guess that’s my own fault, but I also think it’s ok in a way. It’s making him think through intimacy and boundaries. I don’t want him to think it’s never ok to kiss others, but I want there to definitely open up a conversation about it.

We’ll see where this goes from here. And I apologize this post is all over the place. I’ve written it in bits and pieces over the day and don’t feel like even reading it over for consistency’s sake. But thanks for reading anyways.

Has anyone had this issue or conversation with your own kids? How did it go? Or did you just leave them on their own to grow and figure it out alone? Let me know!

-The Police/Don’t Stand So Close To Me-

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

When The Working Day Is Done Oh Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I went out Friday night. For the first time since my work Christmas party, I went out.

I asked a girlfriend here for a deeply needed girls night and dancing and even though she said she didn’t dance (everyone dances) she agreed to go. I asked her for her advice on where the best places in town were, since I’ve only been to one since moving here. She gave a couple of options and after researching them, yep I googled them to get a read on the vibes in the clubs… all three of them lol, we finally decided on the country bar. Country music is my least favourite. It’s not my style, not as fun to dance to, normally doesn’t provide an ideal environment for my type of men if you catch my drift, but I understood that she was more comfortable there, and I’m pretty easy going. I was just grateful to be getting out so the country bar it was.

I found a sitter through the daycare. Turns out one of the teachers there lives in our park so it was pretty convenient. I realized on Friday that I really don’t have anything appropriate to wear since I never go out (second time in a year) especially to a country bar, but I managed to pull something decent together.

My girlfriend and I did the whole pre-drink while getting ready and then taxied to the bar to watch what was supposed to be a live music competition around 9. Well it turns out the post we saw on Instagram was wrong and the competition was from 6-8, so by the time we got there it was over and the place had about 20 people in it.

H, had repeatedly told me it was one of the best places in the city to go to, and I’m just trusting her, but here we get there and it’s dead. The only thing happening is some square dancing lessons. So we grab a few drinks and literally just try and look half cool while there’s nothing to do. But slowly the bar starts to fill up and thankfully I find out it’s flashback Friday so they aren’t playing purely country music all night.

About, oh I don’t know 6-7 drinks in I finally convince H to join me on the dance floor and the night gets going around 11.

Honestly. It felt so good to just dance. I love dancing. And to just let it out and have fun with no worries for a few hours…. I needed it. H wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t dance, but she swayed in good faith. It was cool though. Drunk people flocked around and we had fun with everyone. In a situation like that, when I’m on the dance floor, I don’t just stand there lol. I dance with anyone and everyone.

I may have taken it a bit to far when we went outside to cool off and started making out with a guy though 🤔. I just felt bad for H. I was having fun, but she’s married and just kinda stood there quietly. So it was only a few minutes and I walked away. I mean I came with a friend I can’t desert her for a dick right? Anyways she was like go back! Have fun! But I felt bad.

Needless to say, we danced the night away instead. Well I did. H was such a good sport and leaned side to side while I let loose. It was fun, it was what I needed. And I’ll probably do it more often, although not the country bar.

Also, I have this dude calling and texting nonstop since then. He called me 3 times THAT NIGHT, after I left. Not sure where to go from here. I mean he’s pretty cute, and has been legitimately nice, soooo, I’ll keep you in the know.

It was a long overdue night out. And I was so hungover the next day it was ridiculous. But worth it. Sometimes, it’s worth it.

-Cyndi Lauper /Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-

Don’t Hide Yourself In Regret Just Love Yourself And You’re Set

My cousin is in town on vacation this weekend with her boyfriend, and so they’ll be over in the next hour or so to chill at the beach. Cool.

I’ve only met the guy less than a handful of times and as a person he seems great. He’s kind, attentive treats her well and can keep a conversation going… maintains his brows better than anyone in our family. But here’s the thing, in my opinion he lets off an air of… femininity. Just hear me out you guys. I’m not against anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. Personally I identify as just straight, but I don’t judge their choices. I’m out here living my life and their doing theirs and it’s all good.

My potential issue with our society as a whole, is when men and women have been taught that being able to express your true desires is wrong, and therefore some individuals might pressure themselves into a heterosexual relationship while suppressing those desires just to maintain appearances. In the meantime, the other person in the relationship has developed deep honest feelings. Which can be fine for both people. I mean happiness is happiness, no matter where it comes from. But what happens 5-10 years down the road? When the person is now becoming comfortable expressing what they’ve been avoiding all this time. What if they previously didn’t allow themselves to explore those feelings due to fear, or religion or worry of what others would think etc. but have developed more in that area. Now you have what may have turned into a marriage, of which one partner wants out of because they are now ready to become more of their true self. This can apply in so many circumstances not just closeted people. But for the situation with my cousin, I see so many red flags. My dilemma is, do I interfere? Do I subtly suggest something that might be way off base to potentially protect both of them from future hardship?

I think back to when I was dating E and how grateful I would’ve been if some older wiser person would’ve just pulled me aside and said C, you can do better. Let’s not rush into this. Basically I needed role models, who had been there and knew more to take me out for coffee and have me explain why I thought marrying E was the best thing for my life. Because if someone had made me do that, I guarantee, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with a single decent sentence proving why I should be with him forever. I would’ve probably re-evaluated my circumstances. Or if anyone had come up to me and said C, I worry that maybe E isn’t the right fit for you, or maybe he might cause you more struggles than joy, or anything along those lines, it would’ve made me think long and hard about my future. I’m not stupid, and if others told me the obvious warning signs, I would’ve taken it to heart. But I didn’t have anyone like me. Who saw things that might be worrisome. I had no one who took time outside their own life to consider mine.

So here is my cousin, who is dating a man I worry might be gay. The being gay is not the issue, it’s the fact that they are together. You have to understand, my cousin is fairly sheltered and is an only child who grew up in the church. This man is also religious, which is where my concerns come that he might not be being true to himself. So, do I butt my head in and lightly suggest to her the possibility that has probably never even crossed her mind? Do I casually chat with him, to see if it’s even crossed his mind?

My position is I don’t want them to get balls deep into a situation that could have been prevented, one that possibly neither of them have even seen coming, if it could have been prevented by just having a chat. I’m not implying it’ll be a simple easy chat. I recognize it’ll be hella awkward no matter which way I go about it. Plus, once the idea is out, I don’t want her to always be thinking she’s never enough and I don’t want him to be ridiculously offended, which I realize will happen if I say anything either way.

I know it’s not the same situation I had with E, because hindsight is 20/20. But why are we so scared to talk about things?  Why are we so scared to prevent possible struggles for others? So scared to step on toes. I legitimately don’t want to see either of them hurt.

I guess it wasn’t as big of a deal back when I knew they were just dating, but a few weeks ago my Aunt told me they were looking at rings, and now I’m just like girl get your head on straight and open your eyes.

Don’t let love and fantasies of the future blind you. This is the here and now, and it’s screaming that he might be wanting more than just your pristine vagina eventually.

Because the signs are all over.

So people of my blog, I need your opinion and advice. I’m probably not going to say anything because everyone lives their own life and gets to make their own mistakes, but should I? And if you think I should intervene, how would you go about it? I don’t want to cause a huge divide in the family. But I don’t want her hindsight to have her wondering why no one helped…. In any way.


-Lady Gaga / Born This Way –