Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.
I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.
For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.
I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.
***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m in total ‘fuck it’ mode***
I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.
Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.
How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.
Nothing at all.
Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?
That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?
I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.
I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest she call me, and moments later she will.
Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favourite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.
Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourself”. We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.
Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.
Imagine if we all came from one thought.
Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.
Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.
Where does that take you?
I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.
So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.
Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?
Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convice someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 😦 Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.