I Pay The Cost, Who ‘Gon Take It Off I Record Then I Ball, I Ignored A Lot Of Calls You Ain’t Talking About Nothing, I Ain’t Got No Time

So yesterday was Father’s Day here in Canada.

As I’m sure you could assume, I’m not the biggest fan of Father’s Day.

My birth “father”? Non existent in my eyes. I haven’t spoken to him since a “brief” reconnection when I was sixteen (a 15 minute chat that ended with him giving me his business card). Before that? I hadn’t seen him in probably a dozen years.

My kid’s “father”? Back committed again in a psych ward. I know I said he was out a week or so ago, but he’s back…again. Probably for the best. Men who beat their wives unprovoked are obviously not right in the head and need all the help they can get, even if they will never be “normal.” Since I filed for divorce 4+ years ago, he’s pushing close to 9 months of being committed, and the doctors have outright said he will never “get better.” So basically my kids don’t have a dad either. But we all know they never really did.

My step-dad who raised me? Of course he did his best, but his preference for his biological daughter, my younger sister was obvious.

So, no. I have no positive feelings for Fathers Day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of great, nay even superb dad’s out there. But I just don’t have any in my inner circles. I didn’t have any role models growing up showing what a good dad could be like, which is probably why I set the bar so low for my now ex. But my issue is why?

Why the fuck can’t men be better men?

For sure there are tons of crappy women/mothers out there, but why is it somehow automatically assumed that woman have to step up when a relationship falls to shit and be the “better” parent? Of course there are exceptions to this as with everything, but the majority of the time y’all know what I’m talking about.

Why do woman have to step it up more than guys? Last time I checked it took both his dick and your vagina to make that baby. Plus the woman already did her time, 9 months worth more than a man growing the kid, so does that mean she gets the next 9 months off while he does 9 straight to compensate? Hell no. In our society sometimes the girl is “lucky” if the guy is still around by the time the child is born.

What the fuck happened to family? What happened to commitment? What happened to choosing each other and purposely deciding to create a beautiful life? How did we get so messed up, to the point where men for some reason just assume that the lady will be all good in raising A HUMAN BEING ALONE if he decides to up and bail? And for who knows what.

  1. He wasn’t ready
  2. He was scared
  3. He didn’t want the baby
  4. He found new girl
  5. He couldn’t afford the child
  6. He thought he was too young
  7. He just outright didn’t think it was his problem
  8. Etc. etc. etc.

Well guess what, we as woman feel half those reasons too. And you know what we need in that moment? A MAN. Not a boy who was horny and instead of full of sperm he’s now full of excuses. So now in the most basic sense, all I can say, although I know it’ll fall on deaf ears, if fucking keep it in your pants.

Men and woman.

If you’re not ready to be a parent, you shouldn’t be messing around.

I’m just done with celebrating stupidity. I’m done with Hallmark holidays.

Even more so, right now, I’m done with men.


-The Carters/Boss-

I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-

Who Gon’ Pray For Me? Take My Pain For Me? Save My Soul For Me? ‘Cause I’m Alone, You See

I need to get laid.

Not that it would be hard if I put any effort into it whatsoever, but needing and wanting are two completely different things. Swiping right (or whatever way you swipe to choose yes on the infamous app) would be so easy to produce a one night stand. But I’ve just come to the point in my life where I’m done with that.

I’m done with so much fake shit. I can only ask how many siblings a person has so many times before craving something deeper. Then having felt something more real, it’s next to impossible to go back to all that surface crap. Knowing there are guys out there who can legitimately care about other people, makes it hard to go back to your everyday run of the mill man.

Can I take care of myself? Of course, but it’s not the same as being fucked by an actual living, breathing, warm, body. So now I’m at an impasse. I want real sex. But I don’t want to ever have to go through the “meet and greet” stage ever again.

I have also been avoiding blogging about K for a long time because it’s been painful to put closure on. I don’t even know where to start/end this blog.

Let’s just say we are no longer speaking basically. And that hurts me to the point that there are tears in my eyes as I write this. Which is why I’ve been avoiding it. I wanted to pretend if even in my mind that it wasn’t over. But reality is real. And facts are facts.

And those facts are that after one misstep after another, he hates me.

If I could pin-point it to a few crucial moments, it probably started with a horrible misunderstanding back in February. He called me at work one morning and it’s my belief that he had intentions of asking me out to lunch. But of course me in my ways ruined it and made him probably feel less than which was never my intentions, but that’s what happened. In the end it was wrecked because of me of course. All I had ever wanted from him was for him to ask me out on an actual date. In public. So when the time came, and it was stressful and slightly awkward, it turned a phone call that could’ve been beautiful into something quite ugly.

The result? No lunch date that’s for sure. Just a string of awful texts and the end of the most important relationship in my life.

Then a couple weeks later as I was dealing with E and suicidal thoughts, I did call K. I felt I had no one else. I happened to catch him at work but he called me back and helped me out of what, he may not have known, but a moment of deep suicidal thoughts, something I’ll forever be thankful for. Unfortunately, I made a stupid move and then directed my anger at E.

All my anger. A lot of it. To the point I wanted him dead. And considered doing it myself. I went so far as proceeding to ask K if he had a gun. Yep, I asked a guy who is trying to just finish up his time on parole if he could get me a gun. Not my brightest moment, but at the time seemed to make the most sense to me. But I wasn’t at my finest during that time. Needless to say K wasn’t impressed and made the smart move of blocking me…After again cussing me out.

So, that’s where we stand. Apart from once where he called me last week to tell me he’d have some of my stuff for me before I moved this month, I haven’t physically talked to him in months.

And it’s been sad. For a lack of a better word, it’s been sad in my life.

Trust me, I know fucking a different random guy isn’t going to make this feeling go away, which is why I’m not even going to bother. I’m just saying…. I crave the feeling of a man holding me. Even if I know it’s not going to happen, I can want it, as well as regret my mistakes.


-Kendrick Lamar Ft. The Weeknd/Pray For Me-

All Of My Let’s Just Be Friends Are Friends I Don’t Have Anymore Guess It’s What They Say You Need Family For ‘Cause I Can’t Depend On You Anymore

My kids are so freakin adorable.

We all arrived home yesterday at about the same time (work and the airport respectively), and while my mom was her usual grumpy self upon returning from seeing her dad, my kids were a joy to see reunited. They literally hugged until they fell over repeatedly saying how much they missed each other. They then proceeded to spend the evening giggling and embracing, you’d think it had been months since they’d last seen each other as opposed to a few days. It was refreshing to see the love I know they have for each other in plain sight.

My mom on the other hand was quite the pill as per usual. After spending time with her dad she’s always stressed out… even more so than normal and trust me she lives her life at a 8/10 stress level so this trip put her at a 10 outta 10 no joke. But my dad picked them up at the airport and got them both flowers (so cute right?) My parent have been going for marriage counselling lately and my dad’s really been doing his part. My mother on the other hand acts like everything is his fault to being with and that she can do no wrong and therefore it’s all up to him to fix.

Unfortunately, everyone who looks at their marriage can easily see that she treats him like crap and therefore he has absolutely no desire/will to do anything with her. It sucks because he deserves so much more and my mom just has so many issues that she uses to shield and defend her actions… or lack thereof.

Anyways, My cute little family of three is back together and doing good. I threw Z in the tub last night because she didn’t have a bath the whole time she was away and she was in bed early. I’m reading Ted Dekker’s newest book called the 49th Mystic… so far so good. He’s by far my favorite author and although some of his titles are a little out there, for the most part his writing is fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone. Anyways, I read for a little before bed and that was that.

A happy easy night.

A rare occurrence in my life, but I’ll take what I can get.


-Drake/Keep The Family Close-

Act Like Everything Fine And If It Isn’t We Ain’t Letting Everybody In Our Family Business

I miss Z.

I have NEVER spent more than one night away from either of my kids since the day they were born until now. My mom took her on Friday to BC for the whole weekend and they are expected back later tonight. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, and was looking forward to the break, but found myself bored most of the time. Little E occupies himself by now for the most part so normally I find that I spend my time with Z, or at least spend my time trying to keep her busy. So with her gone, I had little to do!

I did have a seizure on Friday night, so Saturday was pretty much a wash for me. I made dinner for Little E and my dad and did some laundry (my bed sheets mainly). Then Sunday I took Little E to a new Dinosaur exhibit in town and we caught an IMAX as well which was fun and easy and took up the majority of the day, before we headed home to make some cookies.

But even Little E is asking to call Z all the time to see how she is. I asked him last night if he missed his sister a little and he said “not a little, I miss her a whole bunch!” It was adorable, and a little unbelievable considering how much they usually bicker lol. Either way, it was nice to just have some time to bond with him one on one. He’s growing into quite the young man.

Z on the other hand seems to be having a great time. They went out for dinner on Friday night and fishing on Saturday where they caught half a dozen fish on the lake. On Saturday night my mom had her sleep on the floor since the night before she was using my mom’s body as a pillow, and when I asked her how her sleep was she said “terrible” but in the most adorable way that made me want to squeeze her cheeks through the phone.

Needless to say, I’m so thankful for the time off, but excited to scoop her up in my hands and hold her close and hear all about her weekend in her own cute way.

Also, I’m mentally preparing myself for the sibling rivalry to start up again in full force. But everything in due time.


-Kanye West/Family Business-

I Told About Equality And It’s True Either You’re Wrong Or You’re Right But, If You’re Thinkin’ About My Baby It don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White

Black. White. Yellow. Brown. Mixed and the list goes on.

My co-worker and I just spent 15 minutes chatting about if these terms should ever be used to describe someone. It started with her asking how I would describe E for example, and if using black was “Ok?”

So I was honest and said if I was pointing out E in a photo or something, the easiest describing way would be to say he’s the black guy. And since we’re not in the USA, it seems beyond weird to say he’s the African-American. Well what if there are more than one “black guy?” she asked. Well then I’d describe him using any other distinguishing feature ie. clothing items, glasses, hair style etc. The same way I would do with anyone of any skin colour.

I personally don’t feel that skin colour has anything to do with who a person IS. Yes, it can help identify where they are from, as well as perhaps their race, but ultimately, for me, that is not the deciding factor on WHO someone is. It doesn’t tell me what radio station they prefer or their political views. It won’t tell me the hobbies they entertain in their spare time. Skin tone won’t help me know if they’re a vegetarian or meat eater, nor will it help me know if they are prankster or Mr. Seriousness.

I believe people create themselves. From the time they are born, based on their likes and dislikes we form our own selves. All personal choices we make each day, form us into independent individuals. We use our reactions to certain situations to form thoughts and therefore opinions on everything, and based our next decisions on those. A race, or colour is not WHO I am. All my skin does is hold my body in place.

It’s not like skin that comes in different colours should be valued more or less  like Gold/Silver/Bronze medals. It shouldn’t even be compared.  It shouldn’t automatically place me in a certain category in life, except that the majority of peoples opinions and thoughts and therefore decisions on how we react to certain individuals has somehow along the way placed so much importance on skin tone than necessary.

No longer do people care about intelligence or kindness or even how you tie your shoes. For some reason society today chooses to judge human beings on something equally irrelevant as shoe tying. which is what colour your largest organ is.

Stupid.

As for me, if I were to describe myself, I’d say white or Canadian depending on the way the question is phrased. I wouldn’t feel the need to go into detail about how I’m one quarter Japanese, part Irish, part…. and it goes on and on. I also don’t have a huge connection to any of the countries my heritage comes from. So I don’t feel the need to protect the culture of… anything. So I would just used the simplest description: Canadian.

Sometimes I feel like African-American/Canadians/Blacks are trying so hard to maintain their individual culture, which has slowly been being invaded by others, that they don’t recognize that by secluding themselves this way, they might be in fact creating a situation that they fought so hard to get out of for too long.

Their ancestors fought so hard to diminish segregation, and the whole idea of keeping certain people classed certain ways because of race/skin colour seems a step back to me. I feel that society had reached a point (a very shaky unbalanced place, but we got there) on the ladder towards equality, and now individual races may be working against that. Perhaps even taking a step or two down the ladder.

Case in point, I saw a story about how a large University in the states was holding a separate Graduation Ceremony for it’s black students and for some reason the black student body felt that was great. How? When you’ve been fighting to be seen as equal for so long, how would you see being viewed in a separate light as a win? I dunno, to me it just seemed like a step back, that for some reason they were so proud of.

I have no idea the thinking or reasoning behind it, but to segregate a group of students from their classmates based on skin colour to celebrate an achievement that they reached together seems like a downgrade. 4+ years of hard work together, studying, partying, growing friendships across cultural boundaries, only to be told that come Graduation you’d be celebrating apart because of your skin?

What a pity.

As for myself, yep my skin is white. In the summer it tans and in the winter I look like a pale ghost. But I’m still me. I’m a mother of two who is doing her best to find herself in this confusing world. And in doing so, I will do my best to not judge others over something they have no control over.

Do I judge others? Of course.

If you make a stupid decision or act like a fool, in my head I will judge you. But that’s your life and those are your choices. As for me, based on what I see from you, I will either choose to either associate with you or not based on your CHOICES. Never on skin tone, or lack thereof. I chose my friends carefully, not because we were born in the same country or even the same neighborhood, but because our thoughts aline and we make similar choices and decisions.

I don’t care what colour your largest organ is. I’m more concerned about the hypothetical colour of your heart.


-Michael Jackson/Black or White-

Is It Cool If I Hold Your Hand? Is It Wrong If I Think It’s Lame To Dance? Do You Like My Stupid Hair? Would You Guess That I Didn’t Know What To Wear?

You guys, honestly, I need help finding someone to look after my kids once we move!

I’m on so many wait-lists for childcare/after school care etc, but NO ONE has room right now. In all seriousness I didn’t think it would be this big of an issue. I guess I didn’t realize the fact that I’m moving from a big city to a much smaller town with so few choices. At this point I’m willing to consider all options since I can’t just let my kids roam free all summer while I’m at work.

My mom brought up the option of a nanny/au pair living with us since I bought a four bedroom place. How nice would that be? But I’m not sure I can afford it… unless I deduct room and board… hmm the idea is growing on me. So if anyone is interested, or knows someone who is looking for work in Kelowna starting July 1st, hit me up. Think summer abroad lol.

On the topic of kids, my mom is taking Z this weekend to visit my Grandpa. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while… well last summer at least, you’ll know I’m not the biggest fan of my Grandpa. (see why here I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me  

My mom knows why as in the end I ended up telling all the female adults in my close  family about what happened. I didn’t want anything happening to them that I could’ve potentially prevented. So she very hesitantly asked if she could bring Z with her on this trip. I think my mom just wants to have some special moments with her before we move. Also though, I’m like 75% sure she wants to show Z off. My mom will see her brother and sister while out there for the weekend and Z is just irresistible (a selling feature for those considering my nanny offer above lol). She reassured me that Z would be well watched and they are even going to share a bed at night… Mom and Z, no other bed sharing. So I agreed.

My mom told Z two nights ago and she’s regretted it ever since. Z has been SO excited since then. I put her to bed the night she found out and said the usual “good night, I love you, see you in the morning” to which she replied “I’ll see you tomorrow but not on Friday because I’m going on an Airplane with Nanna.” Hard to resist cracking a smile at that hey. But now ever 20 minutes it’s a comment on how she won’t be here Friday and how she’s going to BC to see Grandpa etc… I’m almost as excited as her for Friday just so the comments stop.

So I figured it will be good fun for both of them since my mom is just going out to check on her dad since my Grandma passed away last summer. It will also give me some one on one time with Little E.

OMG. I haven’t told you about the date night I had with Little E. Or did I? I’ve truly discovered the problem with taking a break from writing… all the inconsistency’s which I apologize for. But even if I’ve told this story, it’s worth retelling.

I wanted to take Little E on a special date. I wanted to teach him how to treat a woman (I mean that was my intention, but if he want’s to open doors for a man in his life later that’s his choice) Irregardless, I want him to be a gentleman, and although he may not have many (if any) steady male role models, doesn’t mean I can’t teach him all I can.

So, I taught him how to call and make a reservation for us under his name. We role played the phone call to give him some practice first and then he called in the reservation like a pro. He got to choose his own outfit, which he does every day anyways, but I told him normally on dates people put a little more effort in and dress nicely. So he walked out of his room wearing his orange Hawaiian print button up top and asked if he could put gel in his hair. WHAT??!?! That was a definite first, but so endearing.

Anyways when it was time to go, I explained basic date things (not like I’m a pro, but I can always dream) like how the man can open doors for the lady and so he rushed in front of me on the way to the car to get my door for me and then dutifully jumped in the backseat. So cute.

When we got to The Keg, he walked right up to the hostess podium and rested his arms on top, practically declaring “I have a reservation for E” I was so proud of him. I tried to make the night special for him and let him order whatever he wanted, and let him speak to the waitress himself to help his confidence. He was a little intimidated but the restaurant, since I’ve never taken my kids to anything fancier than Boston Pizza for my sanity’s sake. But he was so sweet and we had such good conversation. It was actually a good night.

When we were leaving he again ran in front of me to grab all the doors (My heart melted) and was so polite to all the staff. It was a turning point for me to see that my son was capable of having so much fun with me, but also learning to be a man. I just hope that I can keep it up.

I want to do something special with him this weekend while Z is gone, so if you have any suggestions let them loose in the comments.

If worst comes to worst… I can always depend on little E to take me on dates….Creepy? Yeah that came out weird lol.


-Blink 182/First Date-

You Said You’d Care For Me / Said You’d Be There For Me / Give To Me, Why Won’t You Live For Me? / You Said You’d Cry For Me / You Gotta Be, Nice For What?

I’m using my break at work to finally write a decent post. First I was going to apologize for not writing more, but in all honesty, I’ve grown so much in this past month, to a point that I won’t apologize for any action (or inaction on my part). My life is hectic and busy true, but it’s also a string of choices that I purposefully make and I just didn’t feel like choosing to write in my down time. To be honest lol, I got high a ton and watched a lot of Netflix and danced around my room… and wrote some poems and songs that I might post at a later date instead. So, not sorry?

But here’s a glimpse of what’s happened in the last month apart from that quick post I wrote.

I got the place close to the lake. It’s all said and done as of last week. It’s in West Kelowna, super close to many winery’s and trails. It has two schools that have ranked well in close range, so that’s a plus. I’m just having trouble finding child care now, but everything in its own time. But if you have any suggestions I’m all ears.

Z is excited to move and talks about Kelowna all the time. I took a video of the house when I flew out there 2 weeks ago and she’d really getting the whole idea that we’re moving. She talks about going to the beach and seeing her cousins all the time, it’s really uplifting. Little E on the other hand is not at all thrilled about the prospect of it. He takes ever opportunity possible to say he doesn’t want to move. I get it. I totally do. What almost 8-year-old wants to uproot and move to a place he’s never been to where he knows hardly anyone? He has to start a new school again, making it a new school for every year he’s attended. It’s been difficult on him, making friends and fitting in, and I feel bad. I’m truly hoping this move will be one we can settle into and make our home. For little E’s sake. And my own.

On another note, E has been committed again. I randomly received this text a couple of weeks ago:

e

Just a friendly reminder. This dad of my children hasn’t seen his kids since January.  Which coincidentally is about the same time he last sent child support. We also live on the complete opposite side of the country from Ottawa. But he somehow made it to Ottawa… because apparently this capital city we live in doesn’t provide health care?? Anyways, he had also previously told me he had quit his job as opposed to his current story of being fired, which by now I knew not to believe because with him it’s an endless cycle of lies. Either way, I haven’t gotten any $$$ from him in months which has been awful timing while trying to purchase the new place. I honestly haven’t been this financially strapped… in ever. But it is what it is.

So, to make matters even more unbelievable (hard to do in my life, but by now we know not to push the envelope) this past Saturday while I was playing outside with the kiddos, I received a call from a number marked No Caller ID. turns out to be the hospital he’s been admitted at. You will literally never guess what they were calling for.

Go ahead and try.

You’re probably wrong.

I’ll help.

They were trying to hit me up for money. Not one word of a lie. They said he had the balls to list me as his emergency contact. 4 years into our divorce and I’m still his top go to person?? Fuck Off. She said she had called Welfare Services and they won’t pay because of something something (I really wasn’t listening I was honestly beyond shocked that the whole system had the gall to call me and ask ME for money to cover his bills). So she’s basically saying that because he put my name, I’m responsible. Hahaha.

I told her no. Flat out no. If they are expecting me to pay, they can actually stop treatment (my actual words) because I’m not paying anything. She started to say something like “oh I can imagine what you’ve gone through” and I stopped her cold. No. No you cannot. You have no idea what I have gone through with that man. I will not be paying anything. Please don’t include me in this. Then I asked her what E had been saying about me, to which she responded that E hadn’t said anything since being admitted and that he was very sick.

Uhhh, Duhh. That’s not a news flash to anyone. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell the whole world. E is sicker than your average mentally sick person.

So the call ended with her apologizing and saying she wouldn’t bother me again. I’ll take that as a win.

I know some of you are thinking that’s very cold-hearted of me. That I should be more forgiving and helpful.

Why?

Why should his well-being be more important than mine? Why should he be allowed to continually wreck the peaceful life I’m trying to create for my kids and I? I have to take care of myself and my children. I spent YEARS trying to “help” him, but at some point, I have to recognize that my life and sanity is valuable too. No one is looking out for me except me. So I have to… I have to make the moves that benefit myself and my kids. E is toxic, so I will not allow that poison in my life in any form anymore. I have to clear out that harm to allow myself to be the best version of C that I can be. At some point I (and the world) just have to recognize that E is a grown man, and although he is very sick, I am not a medical professional and therefore I am not fit to help. I also have been hurt by him and therefore have no desire to help in any way anymore. That is my choice. That makes me a stronger person for making beneficial choices that allow me to grow and move on. As bitchy as it may seem, it’s my choice and it improves my quality of life. Which is just as important as E’s, but I have to do it for me. What he does is his choice. This move is mine.

And I will not feel guilt for choosing my best life.


-Drake/Nice For What-

 

Make Myself A Different Set Of Rules. Gonna Put My Good Foot Forward, And Stop Being Influenced By Fools.

You guys.

Just a quick update. Because my life is beyond words sometimes, but I want you to all know I’m still here.

Well actually I’m in Kelowna. I made a quick day trip out today to sign some paperwork and take a couple meetings regarding a place I’m trying to buy. I say trying because I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, even this far along in the process. If things keep progressing along nicely, which I trust they will, the conditions should be removed early next week and I’ll get possession June 29th of a place less than 100 yards from the beach.

I had a couple hours between my last meeting and my flight later tonight so I went for a massage and I’m now sitting in a local coffee shop writing a long overdue post.

To be honest there’s so much going on in my life that I can’t touch on now, but when and if I ever have time, you will all definitely know.

But for now, I’m alive. My kids are doing great. E is locked back up in a psychiatric ward back in Ottawa. And that’s pretty much the basics.

Haha way to leave you hanging hey. You know what they say… always leave them wanting more 😂😂😂.

Until next time, thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me. To all you guys who keep checking for updates, I appreciate you. Sorry I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal.

-Gonna Change My Way Of Thinking/Bob Dylan-

The Power Of Equality Is Not Yet What It Ought To Be / What I See Is Insanity Whatever Happened To Humanity

#HumboldtStrong

A hashtag that has unfortunately cropped up over the past week here in Canada and a few places around the world. For those of you in the dark, it’s a symbol of an accident that happened between a semi truck and a bus carrying a junior hockey team on their way to a game. The result of the crash so far has been 16 deaths, multiple injuries and a huge outpouring of support, both across our nation and worldwide.

As of yesterday, the Go Fund Me page, who’s initial goal was to pay for maybe coffee and parking for the families visiting the hospital, surpassed $11.5 million dollars, making it one of the top 5 Go Fund Me funds ever.

Now I’m very divided on this. (Of course I would have an opinion on it lol). Am I super proud of people rallying around these families in support of their lost loved ones? Obviously! It’s never easy to lose someone unexpectedly. Which brings me to my inner struggle.

Why has this particular accident garnered so much attention? Is it because of the ages of the “victims” *reminder this was not a malicious attack, but a car accident…accident.*  Or is it because of the sheer number of lives lost at once? Or is it because they were so seemingly innocent on their way to a sporting event? Was it because so many of us could relate to that experience, driving a child to a game or competition? Was it because NHL teams started donating and showing support, so hey, if they are doing it, it must be big/important?

But lets be honest, is $11.5 MILLION really necessary? I understand medical procedures are expensive, but why? Why can’t doctors “fees” become less expensive? Or hospital stays become cheaper? Why does it cost thousands of dollars to run a scan… any scan? Even more to the point, why are funerals so damn expensive? For real? Not to be crass here, but you are literally either digging a hole in the ground, or burning an empty carcass (I know that’ll offend a bunch of you, but those are just facts). So, I’m honestly wondering why medical bills can be racked up so quickly? Or maybe it’s just because when you’re THAT sick, and it’s and emergency situation, hospitals know you’re in no position to go shopping around for the best deal, and can quite literally charge you anything after the fact. Leaving you alive, but slapping you with a huge bill.

On the other end of the spectrum though, is why did so many people turn to support this cause in such a tremendous way, when accidents, or even unfortunately purposeful killings/murders happen all the time? Are those families less deserving of support? Do those loved ones somehow struggle less because their kids didn’t die along side their peers on the way to a game representing our national sport? Are the medical bills somehow reduced or procedures preformed pro bono? Are funerals for those individuals who die in car accidents preformed at a reduced price?

Nope. Not a chance. Death has become a profitable industry.

Everyday people die. Some peacefully in their sleep, and some in more horrific ways then we could ever dare to imagine, and their families are left to deal with that tragedy alone.

Most compelling though, was an article I read today about a small town mayor here in Canada that I had to in some way both admire, and for some reason it kinda pissed me off. He refused to lower the town flag in honor of the individuals who passed away in the Humboldt accident. When questioned about it, he stated basically that the flag was not lowered for the 30 people who died in a mosque shooting nor for the 7 individual who where killed in the gay nightclub killing, and no one questioned that. So why should it be lowered now? What made these deaths more deserving? But then he went on to say that we needed a legislation to state when and for whom the flag should be at half mast for, thus the part that pissed me off.

But he made the point I’ve been trying to say all along. Why should we care more about these boys (and female Physical Trainer) that died, than any other person who is killed in our country? I doubt that was his point, he just wanted to have a set of rules to follow straight across the board, but it’s my point.

Why should more respect, care, help, support etc. be shown to these families, than people in similar situations.

Just because the pain may not be on such a grand scale to the person looking at a fatal accident involving only, say one death in comparison to Humboldt,  doesn’t mean that an entire family hasn’t lost a brother, or father, or uncle etc. To them, the pain is just as devastating. In fact, in the case of an “everyday death’ it may be even more so, because on top of their loss, they are now struggling with how to pay for ridiculously expensive medical/funeral costs on top of everything.

It seems messed up to me.


-Red Hot Chili Peppers/Power Of Equality-