Its Been Forever And I Can’t Forget You With Every Single Day, It Won’t Go Away

I haven’t forgotten about you.

It would be impossible though all this pain. As you twist my body in the midst of the night. Pulling me from within and dragging my innards inside out. Ripping whatever dignity I had left and leaving them to rot wherever you discard them. No.

I haven’t forgotten you.

In infinity it’s not possible. Try as I might. To forget my start. And the burden it holds deep from my beginnings. To where I cannot speak in fear of the retribution each single word I utter will carry in years to come.

Or has the the time of their sins already past? Had the debt for their iniquity already rolled through?

I haven’t forgotten you.

As much as I wish I could run away and leave this torturous journey behind, or better yet pretend it never happened, I cannot for no matter what I do I can’t push you from my mind. I cannot have one single solitary thought that stand alone anymore. Each word I think. Each sentence I ruminate on, is linked to a phrase you mentioned once. In times long ago.

I haven’t forgotten you.

You live in my head. And though I tried at first to make it a beautiful place for you, welcoming and peaceful, you turned it into a place that I myself could no longer abide.

I haven’t forgotten you.

Because each time I turn the corner I fear you are there. My thoughts turn to paranoia as you tell me you are on your way, but to me it has become…. you are here. Lurking. Watching.

I haven’t forgotten you.

Because I thought I could love you so much that I prayed to God for you. But then soon realized he had nothing to do with you so I bargained with the Devil instead. And wound up in hell myself.

I haven’t forgotten you.

I’ve been fighting for my mind ever since I met you and it makes me think what a burden you must have had to have had this feeling your whole life and to have thought this was the norm.

I haven’t forgotten you.

I don’t know how to get myself out of this fear in my mind, let alone both of us, which is what I so stupidly told the King of all Evil in the beginning to save you from a eternity of pain.

But I do know I haven’t forgotten you.

And I do know that good always wins. I just haven’t quite figured out how yet.


-Can’t Forget You/My Darkest Days-

Advertisements

We Don’t Fit In Well Cause We Are Just Ourselves / You Look Stunning Dear

Z has her first crush and it is adorable. It’s one of Little E’s basketball teammates and friends from school named Tyson. He’s a very friendly boy and when he’s over to play they include Z which she obviously loves. Over the weekend she had told me that she only likes two boys, Little E and Tyson and I said that’s fine you don’t have to like all the boys, as long as you are kind to them. But last night at basketball practice I saw her crush in action for the first time and realized it was more than just an ‘I like him the way I like my brother’

It was a quick water break and Tyson came to grab his water bottle from beside where we were sitting, which I should note that Z had brought for him since he had forgotten it at school, so she made sure to save it for him and brought it full of fresh water to practice. Anyways, Tyson comes to grab a drink and Z says hi Tyson with the slight giggle and smile and all the innocence of a 6 year old girl crushing on a 9 year old boy with me sitting right there. And Tyson being the wonderful kid he is says hi Z and has his drink with a smile. Then she kinda giggles and looks back at me. Then Tyson calls her name again and we both look and he’s making a silly face at her which she loves (oh kids) and he runs back on to the court.

I thought it was the most adorable things ever to see the whole interaction. How sweet and innocent and friendly they both were. Tyson’s a great kid. He’s also the boy who after dinner at our house announced he was excited to go through puberty one day (I can’t remember if I blogged about that or just texted his mom laughing so hard about it) he’s an only child but well rounded and a good friend to Little E and apparently Z too.

I’m looking forward to what this grows into.

When his mom showed up to pick him up for practice we chatted for a bit and I mentioned that Z had a little crush. Her response surprised me. His mom and I have become acquaintances throughout this school year and she’s been over for coffee a couple times but it takes time to really know a person right? So when she said ‘Oh that’s ok, I’d be cool with a little colour in the bloodline’ or something along those lines. I was completely thrown off. She went on about how their pale Scottish skin could use some colour etc but I wasn’t really listening at that point anymore.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that my kids would face this kind of racism in their life. Subtle. But extremely there. Words that don’t need to be said and can be hurtful.

All it is, is a harmless crush between kids. There was no need to bring melanin into it. And to have that be your first reaction must mean it’s near the forefront of your thoughts. As opposed to the innocence and beauty of the relationship forming, your thoughts jumped to colour. I dunno. Not the best foot to put forward in my opinion.

So. I just felt it was the cutest moment on the kids part I wanted to share. And hope that as they grow older they learn healthy ways of interacting with each other. That help each other grow into beautiful human beings. Weather they end up together or not.


-Beautiful People/Ed Sheeran-

There’s A Time That I Remember That I Never Felt So Lost When I Felt All Of The Hatred Was To Powerful To Stop

This past weekend I packed up the kiddos and drove back to my parents house to surprise them for the weekend. It was my moms birthday on the 12th, and since we won’t be back for Christmas, I figured we were due for a visit. I got the Thursday off, and Monday was a holiday here (Remembrance Day) so with a 5 day weekend ahead of us we hit the road.

The kids were fantastic on the road. It was just over an 11 hour drive on the way there with stops included, but I had no complaints about my kids. There was zero argument or bickering from the backseat the entire ride. I downloaded a bunch of story podcasts for them and Little E read us the rest of ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Waredrobe’ on the way, since we started that series as a family a few weeks ago. Then they also had their iPads for an hour or so. So all in all a good drive.

But the very best part was arriving at my parents place. I had my sister N do a little recon work before I planned the trip, just to make sure someone would be home, and so when my dad opened the door, he we shocked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad speechless before, but in that moment he was the most surprised I’ve ever seen him and it was a definite win. My mom was out at a class so the kids had to wait almost 2 hours until she came home, while I made the beds for us. They got to relax and catch up with my dad, who was basically stunned all night.

My mom got home shortly after nine and the kids jumped out to surprise her while I recorded it (I have my dads reaction as well, both on my Instagram with everybody loving it). She was so happy and cried happy tears, which I previously warned my kids about. Like don’t worry about the crying, people can cry when they are so happy or just emotional and it can be a good thing. I didn’t want them thinking they made my parents sad. I think the warning was good, because then when they saw my mom tear up, they just hugged her and we’re ok about it. It wasn’t awkward.

My parents were so happy, and we got in visits with both my sisters and their families. We drove out to my older sister R’s house, which is fantastic. They bought a fixer upper ranch/acreage and although it still has tones of work to be done, I love the house. I got to spend time with my 4 nieces there and do a little bonding and teasing, you know regular Aunty stuff.

Then my little sister N and her husband D came on both Saturday and Sunday night for dinner with their baby F who I guess is t so much a baby now. She was born the week before we moved to Kelowna. They came to visit us this summer, and we FaceTime about 2-4 times a week so I’ve seen F growing and I’m a closer to N than I am with R.

My parents loved every minute of the weekend. My dad stayed home from work to spend time with the kids. Making sure little E could stay up late with them to watch the hockey games, and chopping wood and building fires and sledding. Then taking Z grocery shopping with them and baking cookies etc. All those fun grandparent activities.

On the drive out Z asked if they could visit their dad while they were in town. Tbh the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But I said I would talk to him and see. I got ahold of E and him agreed to take the kids to an indoor play place on Sunday afternoon. The kids haven’t physically seen E since Christmas last year, because he never made the effort to come visit them this year at all. So I talked to him on Saturday double checked the time for Sunday. He said it was a go. Then Sunday I texted him to confirm again. Because with this man I’ve learned that you can never be to careful. He replied that he would be there at noon.

So I take the kids to the playground at noon and he’s not there. We wait in the car for 10 minutes while I’m calling repeatedly but it’s going straight to voicemail. So I decide to take the kids out for lunch and tell them after lunch we can come back and check if dad is there late. Maybe he couldn’t get a taxi or the bus is late, whatever. So we go for lunch, which is not an expense I was planning on since E said he was going to feed them and I’m trying to stick to a strict budget, but it’s not their fault their dads a deadbeat. Then we return to the play centre. He’s nowhere to be found and is still not answering my calls. So now I have two kids who have been looking forward to playing and Z who was looking forward to seeing her dad. Little E couldn’t care less at this point, unfortunately he’s learned not to get his hopes up regarding male role models, which I played a role in. But I decided to stay with them to let them play for a few hours (another $30+ outta my pocket). I had to cancel coffee with my friend to stay, which sucked since I haven’t seen my friends since Christmas either, but we have to make sacrifices for our kids when the other parent is a dick.

He still has not called or texted to explain what happened or apologize to the kids and it’s Friday. God I made the dumbest choice of my life thinking I loved him. I just hope I’ve grown since then.

We hit the road for Kelowna Monday morning and the drive wasn’t as good as the way there, but I know Z was emotional about missing her grandparents and none of us had the best sleeps all weekend. We were busy getting in a much visiting time as possible.

All in all, it was worth it.

I look back at it this way.

My family is was very broken. But in the past few years, we’ve all been collectively taking steps at healing generational pain. Some of us have maybe been doing more than others yes, but as a family I think it affects us all. So this visit was important.

I knew my mom was missing my kids, to the point of tears. I know my parents won’t be alive forever and therefore even though it doesn’t seem like it’s something I personally need, my family needed us to visit. My sisters needed us to come and have those hugs and visits to there spaces and see how they are doing and to just be happy in their home. So even though I hated driving 11+ hours each way and my ass is sore and stiff and I didn’t sleep well, it was a great visit. Even though E is a cock sucking mother fucking piece of shit that can eat a dick, my kids have me. And through me they have my family. And even though my family has its decrepit moments, we’re trying and we love each other in our hurt ways.

And tbh, we’re getting better.

And that’s all we can ask for. I guess what I’m saying is that the way you’re feeling doesn’t have to stay that way forever. You can make your own changes and I can speak to the fact that it can radiate to others close to you on a conscious and spiritual level. It’ll make them work on themselves.

Improvement.


-Maroon 5/Memories-

It’s My Birthday Song, In My Happy World I Know It’s Gonna Be A Good Day Oh Yeah, Today Is My Birthday

I’m 32.

My birthday this year was what I’m assuming everything I should expect for my life from here on out. It was last Sunday, and I decided instead of wallow around at home for the day, I’d get out of the house and just basically try and forget I’m gonna be old and wrinkly and grey and alone soon.

I took the kids out to Denny’s (SUPER fancy I know) but I got breakfast for free and I’m trying to maintain a strict budget so this way we still had a nice sit down breakfast that I didn’t have to make and I didn’t have to clean up after. So to me, nowadays, that’s fancy. I should mention while we’re on the topic of fancy, Little E dressed up for me. He is a strict sweatpants and sports shirt kinda boy. Athletic wear all the way. So when I told them we were going out for breakfast for my birthday he pulled up in his one pair of jeans I make him keep in the depts of his drawers in case of like a funeral or something, and a collared dress shirt. I guess I’m raising him right after all. Z wears dresses 24/7 so it was just nice that she brushed her teeth for the ‘occasion’.

I came out of the bathroom after doing my makeup (for once) because if there’s any day to feel extra beautiful, I guess 32 years old is the day and the kids had made me little homemade cards ♥️. Adorable hey?

So anyway on the way to breakfast we stopped at one of the wineries that we live beside and took a few pictures because 1) it’s my birthday 2) who knows when I’d see Little E looking so sharp and it needed to be documented. Then off to breakfast.

Afterward we wandered the mall for a bit, I obviously got my free Starbucks to enjoy and we just browsed like 16 year old VSCO girls. While we were at the mall my oldest friend S called to wish me a happy birthday. S and I haven’t been tight during our adult life since our respective lives have taken us on our own paths but we’ve known each other since we were in grade 4, and we always come back to each other. It’s those friends that you have that no matter what, you can just pick up where you left off, trust levels the same, bonds not broken, you just know that yep your good for life no matter what shit happens. That’s S and I. And it’s so unlikely if you were to look at us, or even our lives. I’m a towering 5’10 overweight white girl and S is barely 5 foot and comes from a strict Asian home and has obtained a Masters Degree. She travels the world with both her family and her partner, and just basically…. is so different than me in every way. Which is great because then we at least have stories to share when get back together, it not the same stuff we’re struggling with, we have different experiences and view points, yet maintain respect for each other. Anyways chatting with her was good.

My little sister also called and I sang the itsy bitsy spider for my niece in the mall, which has become her billboard #1. My parents did FaceTime and I was expecting my dad at least to sing happy birthday as is was his tradition every year, so when I saw the name pop up on the phone I braced myself to be put through the song, but for some reason this year there was no song. He used to even call me in Kenya to sing, but this year no song. I guess 32 is finally the year when you’re to old to have your parents sing happy birthday to you. 👎🏼

My co-workers all forgot about my birthday which was fine and disappointing at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense, but on one hand, you want to at least be acknowledged, but you don’t wanna stand there awkwardly while they sing to you. So fine/disappointing.

Anyways I guess the main point of this post is….

I’m 32. And I managed to not cry on my birthday. I realized that I’m going to have birthdays and get older weather certain people acknowledge it or not. I understand it is possible to have a birthday pass, a “celebration” of a year of my life, without receiving a single gift or intimate hug or a bite of cake. Those things don’t stop the passage of time. So I can just choose to age gracefully and with dignity based on the choices I’ve made in my own life, not on how others have chosen to pour into my life, or chosen to remain absent. Either way, I’m getting older. And as they say, age is just a number. You don’t become a year older in a day. It’s the whole years worth of experiences and wisdom and time that got you there.

It’s how much you value it that is most important, although just one gift would’ve made it a little more special, not gonna lie.


-Madonna/B-Day Song-

If You Find There The Meaning Of What Happiness Is Then A New Life Will Begin

I got a cat.

If you knew me before, you’d think wtf C. You hate animals. Which is exactly what my older sisters response was when I posted about him on Instagram. But the thing is, people can change. People can grow. People can realize that maybe the circumstances under which they were living their lives previously were not ones which they chose themselves. So people can evolve to recreate their own more suitable environment in which they will thrive.

Me. I’m people.

And in this case I was at the point of such loneliness that I decided that I would overcome my fear of animals, yes I said fear, and adopt a cat. You see by this point in my life, every circumstance and previous interaction had built up not only a dislike of cats and dogs, but a small fear. They bite. They scratch. They were just an overall nuisance in my mind.  And to be honest they would mess up my very organized life. Potential poop everywhere. Extra expense. Hair. The list could on and on. Not to mention the most important fact being, I am supposedly allergic to fur and feathers. At least I was back in the day.  This was of course found out at a young age when I went for a horseback ride at my great-uncles farm for 0.02 seconds and had to be pulled off the horse and thrown in the shower to wash off the horse hair as my mom called the ambulance. The result are hazy to me since I remember mostly not breathing, and flaring up like the GOODYEAR blimp as far as the rash went. But after a series of allergy tests soon after, it was determined that animals were not in my future thanks to allergies to fur and feathers and the dander found in them. So we said goodbye to the cat and bird we currently had and miraculously my life long eczema I’d been living with started to get better. Yeah… you’d think my parents would’ve considered that possibility sooner.

Anyways, that’s probably another reason I don’t really like animals. We’ve been enemies so to speak from the start.

But here I am. Almost 32 years old and finding out that yep. I want to add another dimension to my life. So I haven’t had an allergic reaction in a long time. A bunch of my friends have dogs and I’m at their houses all the time. Granted I’m not letting the dogs lick my face or anything (ew on so many levels) but I’m not ending up at the hospital in any case. We house sat for our friends a while back while they went to Zambia and they had the 3 cats. We fed them and did the poop duty, and I was fine. So I’ve come to think at this point in my life I’m pretty sure I can’t use the allergy excuse anymore. I’m thinking I’ve outgrown it.

So, since I’ve moved to Kelowna, I’ve been considering a pet. I know at this point in our life we don’t have the time to invest in a dog. The walking everyday and all that. The kids are in school and I’m at work and I’m NOT willing to have accidents in the house from a puppy. So I’ve been browsing the SPCA site every once in while, just to see what was there, but not telling the kids. Then last week I saw him. His name was Baxter, and he is a 14 years old domestic long haired (I may or may not have choose him based on how well he would match my house, I’ll never tell). Yes, that’s old for a cat. Which I’m fine with. I’m not ready to make a 15+ year commitment to something if I don’t even know weather or not I like being a cat mama yet. The day I saw him I went to the shelter for the first time in my adult life with the sole purpose to pet a cat. He was super chill and laid there and let me stroke him. I’ll be honest, I was probably more scared of him than he was of me, just based on…. well nothing at all. I just was. Because of my body’s past reactions to animals. Because of avoiding them in the past. Because of the potential of getting scratched or bit or anything.  Just because I let fear grow over time with my avoidance.

But I put my big girl pants on and filled out the paperwork and took him home that day anyway.

I picked up the kids from daycare and we went to the local pet store to get all the supplies we needed, which was everything since this was unplanned, and went home.

We have renamed him and thankfully our naming skills have greatly improved since fish one and fish two. We finally settled on Benjamin Maxwell (insert our last name here) the Fourth. Or Benji for short.

He spent the first day in my bathroom since after my extensive Google research I found they need their own space after a move and to calm their nerves. The kids were disappointed that he didn’t want to play with them right away. Oh who am I kidding, they were disappointed I didn’t get a dog. Little E even went so far as to mention that I made a big decision without a family meeting first (fair point, but too bad), but he was happy with the result.

How do I feel now? A week into it?

The first little bit was rough I’ll be honest. After the first night I let him out of the bathroom obviously, and he made his way straight under my bed where he’s spent most of his days since. His nights? OMG. At first, he would just go eat, drink and poop then head back under the bed. So I would wake up to every sound he made since I’m a very light sleeper and he would pause his eating or drinking if I woke up and we would both freeze. I didn’t want to disturb him and he… well I couldn’t tell you what he was thinking. But after a few minutes he would continue. This would happen ALL throughout the night. So needless to say I didn’t sleep very well for the first 2-3 nights.

He also would avoid the kids at all costs. Which was sad since all they want to do is play with him. But slowly he’s coming around and now the last few nights he’s been up on bed throughout the night meowing at me to pet him and letting me brush him and purring non-stop.

Last night he FINALLY let the kids both pet him for a bit while I was reading to them. We started reading the Chronicles of Narnia as a family and Benjamin decided to join us. I promise you it made Z’s week.

So, yes. I’m glad we got him. He’s a very calm and quite cat. There’s been no scratching or biting. No poop where there shouldn’t be. Yes there’s a ton of hair everywhere, but he’s worth it. Because as I sat in bed last night with him snuggled up to me, I realized this unfortunate thought.

This is the most simple and long-standing, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a male. He has met more of my needs than any man ever has over the course of seven day without draining anything from me in the process.  He hasn’t requested anything from me. He hadn’t left me feeling like shit. He hasn’t frustrated me. He’s made me smile. He’s given me affection. He’s kept me warm at night.

I needed this a long time ago, so I’m glad I got over my fears and did this for myself. Now I’m one less lonely girl.


-CATS/The Moments Of Happiness-