I guess a depression is the simplest way to describe it.
But it’s not simple. There are so many layers to it. I’m exhausted. I feel like everything is overwhelming. I use earplugs constantly because just people talking to me is to much stimulation lately. My kids walking on the floor like regular human beings makes me mad because I feel like they’re stomping. I just feel like everything is at a high intensity level 24/7 and I can’t get a break.
I want to sleep all the time but when I try and sleep I feel like my mind is betraying me. It’s a worse situation than being awake. The room becomes like a black hole. And not like a dark room black hole, but like it disappears while still light, as if I’m in the midst of losing consciousness but I’m aware of it. And I ‘awake’ crawling out each step from the depths of my mind as it builds my reality around me. But while I’m in my unconscious/conscious state, after the world melted away, I’m still actively thinking and knowing what’s going on.
So I’m conscious while my present reality is not present in front of me.
And it’s exhausting. My mind never gets a break.
I feel like my body doesn’t rest while I’m “sleeping.” Yet worse while I’m awake, everything is at a high intensity level. Imagine having everyone yell at you, and your body feel like it’s vibrating, and like there are bright lights shining straight at you allllll the time.
But you have to act normal, because the tiny sane part of you knows it’s ‘normal’. That nothing is different from before. That the only thing that’s changed and messed up, is your actual brain.
It’s impossible to have any semblance of a regular life.
To go out on a whim is beyond tiring. I went to bed at 5:30 last week because I was just done with the day and slept until 7 am when I had to get the kids up for school.
And that’s who I feel the most sorry for. My kids are just regular kids. They get straight A’s in school. Although nowadays it’s called extending which is so stupid. They have great friends. They’ve been very understanding about not being able to be in extracurricular activities since I can’t drive. But I feel for them. I lose my temper at the stupidest thing, and find myself having to apologize to them so often.
I need a calm quiet environment and they’re 8&11 years old. Their just being children. They aren’t making trouble or disobeying. They are just laughing or playing together and I get mad is things aren’t done perfectly the first time or to loudly because it makes my headache worse.
It’s not fair for them.
But what is fair.
I can’t take this situation to anyone and ask for help without being called insane, which I might be. So is that fair? I’m on so many medications to try to help but every doctor says it’s something they’ve never seen and basically they don’t know what to do and…. And that’s it. They have no solution or options for me and I’m on my own.
If I was crazy at least they might lock me away and feed me three meals a day and wipe my ass. But this? This I’m on my own. Well on my own with two kids to take care of with a dysfunctional brain.
So I haven’t written. Because what do I write? What do I say to an entire world where not one person is out there who will understand me.
I feel the more I write the stupider and crazier I sound as I describe the experiences I’m having. Even though I know they are real and true. So am I describing my downfall? Am I writing the words that will eventually lead to my demise? Or is it healthy to get them out and is this safe.
Basically, probably ironically, no one cares so it doesn’t matter.
So like I said…. long story short, I’m depressed