I Never Thought I’d Die Alone Another 6 Months I’ll Be Unknown / I Never Conquered

You know when your feeling sad or depressed and so you turn on sad depressing music to get way in your feelings?

That’s where I’m at.

Like I said, the doctor doesn’t know how to solve my problems right now, so he’s decided to drug me up. And as we all know from last summer when I was initially put on these medications, that made me suicidal. But I guess that didn’t matter to anyone. Because they all felt like upping those exact medications would be the best decision for me.

Me. A full time working, single mom of two kids with a rare epilepsy and a long standing history or depression. Not just since last summer but since my teens. Me. The one with two past suicide attempts.

Sure. Lets see if I can handle this.

Well. I’m not. There are no services for people coping (or barely coping) with epilepsy who just need like a three month break from life. Sure, there’s services for parents of kids who have epilepsy. Or financial help for individuals who are no longer able to work due to epilepsy. But nothing. Absolutely nothing for a single mom who’s bills are more than disability offers. I can’t leave work and live on the bare minimum because my kids need clothes. I have mortgage payments. I don’t even buy gas because I can’t drive. But there’s nothing out there to help pay for the kids school bus if I need to take some time.

Epilepsy is not considered a terminal or even grave illness, but none of the people composing that list have had to have electrical activity course through their brain 24/7 while continually becoming worse at work. All while having to be a decent mother let alone good.

This is not right.

This is a hole in our system.

Somewhere along the line the healthcare system in Canada has failed and I’m to frazzled and can’t keep my thoughts straight to even complain.

I make to much money to receive any benefits. Which is fine.

But I want to quit. I want to take a leave. I need a short term disability. But my sickness isn’t considered an illness. But I’m to sick and ill to complete my work properly. And I have no one to advocate for me because I’m the parent. I’m the adult. Im the one who needs to be the provider.

I’ve gone looking for help because I’m aware I need it. But it’s not there. And I’m at my wits end. Because a two week vacation from work isn’t enough. I need time to be fixed. But there are no medical options available to fix me. But the disability don’t consider me sick enough to help.

It’s the worst loop ever.

Adams Song/Blink 182

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