It’s Hard When You Face The Truth Inside And Out/ How’d It Come To It When It Started As Love

So lately I’ve been thinking about like what does love mean to me and a lot of guys like if I’m on the dating sites they’re asking what am I looking for in a guy and it’s got me thinking like what am I looking for in a guy? What does the best potential partner need to have for me to want to be with them? What does love mean to me and it’s like if I had to narrow it down to the top three describing words of what the best partner would need and even the best words what does love mean to me? Or what does the best partner characteristics need to have at first it started off like really simple like oh the top three words would be comforting and reliable and attractive. But then I obviously went through the list and realized well they don’t need to be comforting if they’ve been with me and protected me from pain then there would be no pain I would need to be comforted from. If they were trustworthy then I wouldn’t need to be worried about them being reliable because then we would just automatically have that trust and bond and I wouldn’t have to be worried about where are or when are they coming home or if they are with some other girl or whatever. Plus I got over the them being attractive thing because obviously that’s so stupid about a top three I mean obviously I want to be attracted to the person I spend the rest of my life with but come on top three… lame.

So I moved on to other things I would want. Like is trustworthy more important than reliable yeah. But would I even date someone who didn’t have that quality in the first place? So is it valuable to place in my top three? Obviously kindness is important but important enough to be in top three? So what other characteristics are there? Then it broke down to what have I been working on in myself and what do I need? I have really noticed and revealed within myself that I have been used… a lot. Specifically by men. Sometimes sexually sometimes emotionally sometimes just to get them where they need in life sometimes for who knows what but I just feel used. So what I need to feel or not to feel but to have in a relationship is to not feel used so that is definitely up there in the top three of my list. I want to feel like we are supporting each other and building a life together not stepping on each other to get somewhere further in life. And I’ve noticed this has come out in my life in other areas, Where I’ve tried to protect myself from being used so if I feel like my relationship is moving too far or getting too intimate or too close then I will stop it from progressing and close it off and back away to try and save myself from the hurt before I know it will happen. And I know I can’t predict the future but because it’s been so repetitive in my past and I’ve been hurt too many times to count and I haven’t healed properly from that hurt this is how I’ve chosen to protect myself so I need someone who will not only protect me from that hurt but not use me. I don’t know how to move forward with that in a relationship I don’t even know how to say it and label it in a single word or phrase for a top three. Non-manipulative? It’s not like I’m being exploited. Or maybe I am I just want to deny it. Anyway. Whatever that is, would probably be my top one.

Also up in the top three would be a constant. So yes someone who is always reliable, dependable, and just someone who’s for sure always there. Not like always there always beside me with me physically, but just in a way that I know their on my team, supporting me. And I’m there for them. So we know we have each other’s backs. Through everything this world may throw our way. We’re a team. Til the end. And the end isn’t when on of us decides to give up and split ways. It’s the whole til death do us part shit. Like I got you no matter what. And that we don’t do anything to make this life more stressful and difficult for each other because we’re on the same side. Working together. A constant.

My third thing? Joy. Just when I look over at them from across the room in twenty years I still get butterfly’s in my stomach when they smile at me. We make each other laugh lying in bed telling each other stories. Little surprises here and there late into life. Never falling out of love. We feel comfortable around each other all the time. No secrets. No shame. No wondering if…? Just peace and joy.

I guess that would be how I would describe the main important characteristics of what I’m looking for in a relationship. And probably why I’m not in one.

Lights / Elijah Woods

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