It’s just so much. I can tell you right here and now I don’t have the words to describe properly what I want to say, but I’ll start with; it’s just so much. So many feelings, to many emotions. Not necessarily good emotions either. Hate, sorrow, anger, all mixed in in such large amounts. To much for me to handle especially since they’re feelings I’m not really familiar with. To many thoughts that I feel aren’t really mine yet they fit right in and feel very natural yet not of me. It’s all very draining. I know I can’t talk to anyone in person about what’s going on at a deeper level without any “normal” person thinking I deserve to be locked up in a psych ward myself. But seriously who nowadays doesn’t. We’re all just doing our best to get by.
But let me try to clarify. I know we all have our own “train of thought” the little voice in our head that is our consciousness or whatever you’ve labeled it since you were young. But for the last few years, since I had that initial “experience” or dream… I feel like… not like my thought has split in two, but more like I can hear the another train of thought. And that other line of thinking becomes more clear as time goes on. And yes I know a lot of you would label me as crazy, bi-polar, schizophrenic, the list goes on, and to be honest initially so should I. Not only initially but for the longest time I would have. And tried to deny it. I fought it and my thoughts were focused on the fact that my kids couldn’t have two parents who were schizophrenic. Or I already am epileptic isn’t that enough? Or so many more reasons. So I ignored it. I fought it. I pressed against it. But it persisted. So I let in. I let go and can completely say things did not get any better for the longest time.
My thoughts became clearer and the other thoughts became stronger but my life became a shit show. I mean it always had been, but even worse throughout all of this. But I’m the midst of everything crappy, there would be something that made so much sense, but only in a way that had to be connected to something more than human, like more than I could do, and more than my own thoughts could produce. Like we saw a double rainbow 🌈🌈 the day we moved to Kelowna and one year to the day of us moving, the kids and I saw another double rainbow 🌈🌈. Or just a few weeks ago while I’m stressing about how to pay for the kids bussing for the year, E sends child support for two weeks in a row now. Something he hasn’t done since before we moved to Kelowna.
But then it’s gotten to a point where I feel a little pressured by my thoughts having to be good and nice. Because I felt like things were starting to happen to often to be coincidental. To the point I don’t like writing about it because I don’t want things to happen, but on the not insane side, I know I’m not in control of the universe so my thoughts are not what make things happen. But I need to get this out. If I don’t make things happen and no one else believes they are, who else has the confidence to think that they could? God. Allah. Yahweh. Whatever you want to call whomever is out there in control. The other train of thought.
Which, if you believe in that, then you also must allow yourself to think that that being would want to interact with you. Why would an all mighty creator, create you unless they don’t have a desire to speak with you eventually. Which means you have to have the ears to hear or a heart/desire to listen. Or the belief that you could hear them and, maybe even speak back to them. Create a bond and through the conversation, a relationship.
Do I think this can be done overnight? Nope. Do I think this is easy? Not at all. Do I think it’s confusing and demands us refuse every construct this world has ever placed in front of us to consider we think beyond? Absolutely. Do I think it will cause us to be put through the ringer by having us pushed through trial after trial to refine us and our thoughts? Unfortunately yes. But do I think the end is worth it? I’m still working on a solid answer to that but I’m leaning towards a hard yes. Although I flounder I feel it’s my self /selfish consciousness that causes that. And I’m still working on that part of me. And I also think it’s something I won’t be able to answer fully until I’m at the end. And I don’t know right now if the end will be death or achieving a total surrender to the other higher consciousness. And are they one and the same? Can I only be truly free of myself if I die and am free of this body? Or can it be achieved now? Has anyone found it but maintained their sanity? And is that even doable? Can you be who you are now, but who you are meant to be without acting out some massive hoax, leading others in some cult like shit? That’s not what I’m trying to to. I’m just trying to be the me I, C feel most true as, but also what I feel the most true real recent connected thoughts lead C to be. And wondering if that can be done or if those things can become one and the same.
Sooner rather than later. Cause having two thoughts instead of my standard one, is just two much.
2 Become 1 / Spice Girls