Staring At The Bottom Of Your Glass Hoping One Day You’ll Make A Dream Last But Dreams Come Slow, And They Go So Fast

I just lost part of my most valuable piece of jewelry.

As we all know I’m not a millionaire or anything close, so I don’t have a huge collection of jewelry. I have a bunch of cheap costume jewelry that was bought at places like Walmart or Superstore by my kids for Christmas over the years. I also have one necklace that was given to me by my mom that was passed down from my grandma before she died. It’s not so much valuable in a money sense but more of a sentiment sense since she got it on a trip to Brazil which was her first girls trip away from my grandpa. It’s the handmade purple one to the left. Even though I haven’t worn it (or other the other jewelry you see) in years now, I still keep them around. I’m not sure why… I’m amazing normally at getting rid of things, and living fairly minimalistic. Marie Kondo would be so proud of how little I have around.

My go to outfit back in the day used to be basically a black v neck shirt and a necklace, or if it was a shirt I couldn’t get a necklace to go with, then a pair of the many hoop earrings that are hanging. But in the last couple years, I’ve changed how I dress and want to present myself to the world. Not so much that I don’t care what other people think of me in the sense that I gave up, but more I don’t care in the way that I don’t care what others think because I’ve learned to only care what I think more. So along that journey, I started wearing mostly still black and grey tshirts but ‘dolling’ myself up less in the morning. If I don’t want to wear makeup up… then I’m not going to. I feel comfortable enough in who I am that I’ll go out bare faced in my sweats grocery shopping but if I want I’ll also go grocery shopping in hoop earrings a red lip. I’ve learned that I can do whatever I want because in the end it’s my life and nobody cares but me.

So, I say all that to say I did my makeup today to go to work because I hadn’t left the house in over a week after taking the week off last week. I showered and did my hair in a new style for once instead of my go to messy bun. I wore a shirt that could have been considered inappropriate for work but I just really needed to feel fantastic about myself today after, just everything. I threw on the necklace that I bought myself for Christmas this past year. It’s the only necklace I have that’s worth anything. I bought it for myself, for the first Christmas ever that I bought myself anything. It’s not crazy expensive but for me, it was. It has(had) three little golden pendants on it. An E, a Z and a little wing all with tiny diamond chips. One letter each for my kiddos and the wing in the middle for my miscarriage. I’ve worn it probably 3-4 days a week since Christmas, since to me it’s become the perfect little necklace that goes with everything.

So today I felt good about myself, come home and tonight go to wash my face and start the water in the sink. I go and take off the necklace and the clip breaks and one end flings out of my fingers and the E slips off the chain and down the sink before I can even realize what happened. The water was running so I quickly turn that off but it’s not anywhere to be seen. I grab the snake thingy in an attempt to save it and just get a disgusting bunch of hair. So I try, yet again to pull myself together but a tiny bit of tears came.

No, not as much as the other day. But still. This one was just more of a are you fucking kidding me tear. I was just trying to have a good day, be a happy person and ‘you’ (whomever that is) are literally taking ever little bit away from me feeling. So I let the three or four tears fall, and then washed my face and just told myself I guess I really will never have nice things. So be it. Like I told myself last week when packing up to evacuate from the fire, things are only things. Everything is replaceable. The kids and I left with one little backpack each and I really just knew… that’s not the first time I’ve had my life contained into one bag, and at this rate it probably won’t be the last.

And I have learned to be mostly ok with it. 😕

Also. I feel like I should mention, if you ever met me in person, you’d probably not ever be able to realize I was the author of this blog. Not that I’m two-faced or anything, but I use this blog as my place to get it all out. To leave it all behind. In life/public I try to be happy, kind, witty, polite, graceful and yes still genuine and authentic but not cry and pout about all the junk in my life constantly. That’s for private. That’s for me only. That’s what this place if for. Yes if I had a partner in life to share it with, I’d like to get to a place to be that vulnerable and open with that one person and hope that I was someone they could share their hidden parts with. But for now, I’m just trying to be the most me I can be. And so here is where I do that safely.

Passenger/Let Her Go

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