We are back at home now and have been for about a week. The fire is still considered out of control at 800 hectares and I can see some of it some nights in the distance, but that is not what this post is about.
As usual, something new and additionally stressful happened last week. Once we arrived home I got into school prep mode since school here starts Sept 7th for my kids. Well to be precise, Little E has an orientation on the 2nd since he is going to middle school this year. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared to have a kid in middle school. For starters, back in Alberta where I grew up, we called it junior high. Secondly, junior high didn’t start until 7th grade and went until 9th grade. Well here, they move the kids to middle school in 6th grade because the elementary schools have become so overcrowded and they need the space. So my little son who I feel like I just gave birth to yesterday is going to middle school when I feel like I should have at least another year before I have to start dealing with the attitude of a boy in that position.
But, in my organizing and getting the kids ready, seeing what we need etc. I texted the neighbor who had previously offered to drive Z to school this school year when she heard I couldn’t drive, since she drops her grandson off at the next elementary down the road. The response I got was she might be starting a new job in September, and she’d let me know. I’d be better off making other arrangements for now, sorry.
What. The. Fuck.
I can’t drive, I’d already applied for Z to get bussing to her current school and they denied her since we live out of the catchment area. So now what? I really, really, really didn’t want to have to switch her to the school closer to us to get her on the bus. The whole reason the kids weren’t going to the school in our catchment area in the first place is because it’s not as good of a school in the first place. I feel like a complete failure as a mom since it’s just one more area in my kids life that I have to admit that I’ve failed in. So all I wanted to do in that moment is go out and buy a car. I don’t care if my doctor said I couldn’t drive. I don’t care how ridiculous it would look that I literally just sold my previous car less than two months ago. What I care about now, is that I can’t be enough for my kids. I care that I can’t get Z to school. I care that I can’t go back to school shopping with them and have to sit and order on Amazon and hope it delivers on time. I care that I can’t take them out anywhere they ask to go anymore because I don’t have a vehicle. I care that when a wildfire came burning out the backyard I had no vehicle to get my own kids to safety and had to call on someone else for help. I care that I can’t drive to the grocery store and so I have to get groceries delivered but there’s only one store who delivers and it’s much more expensive than where I used to shop. I care that I can’t drive my kids to friends houses to play so all summer I have to say no to play dates. I care that I had to cancel the camp that I had them registered for because I couldn’t get them to and from it because you know what? I couldn’t drive them there.
So ultimately I took the day off after sitting in my backyard crying and feeling like a complete and utter failure as a mom. After looking at how my life is literally nothing I wanted it to be. Considering how I live in a damn trailer park as a single mom of two, who can’t drive, no car, with about $300 in my account, and compared it to what I used to dream of when I was younger, which I can guarantee you is nowhere near here.
I never asked for much. I never wanted to be rich or famous. I wanted a quiet repetitive life, and still do. I wanted to get married and have a steady simple office job with pictures of my adorable kids placed on my corner office desk that has the most comfortable big ass chair. I wanted to live in a small clean organized house with the adorable picket fence and nice manicured lawn that someone else mows. I wanted to go on regular relaxing vacations that someone else plans with my husband to a different place every time and see the world. I wanted the world to not be the crapshoot it is now. But a kind welcoming place everyone could travel to everywhere else and experience other cultures without trying to change other individuals but just enjoying them. I wanted to have those picture perfect family meals where everything is cooked so beautifully on the long table and I wear that cute frilly apron and nothing is burnt AND I don’t have to wash the dishes. Then we play a board game or card game but we don’t end up all fighting. Those are things I used to hope for and dream my life would turn out. I didn’t think the family part would be to much to ask. Obviously I’m not oblivious to the part of me imagining world peace being far fetched but one can dream.
But then, sitting in my back yard going over the main parts of my life that have stood out compared to what I used to hope for. There’s not really one thing that turned out like I wanted. Raped. Sexually abused. Two failed suicide attempts. Physically abusive husband. Fleeing the continent with two small children. Epilepsy. Living in a manufactured home that has a chain link fence that looks nothing like the little white picket fence I used to imagine. Things falling apart left right and center that I have no idea how to fix, nor the money or a car to get the supplies. And those are just the highlights. Makes one wonder if the universe hand picks a few here and there to just pile a shit ton on just to see how much one person can really take just for fun?
So after calming down after my pity party, I realized the only reasonable thing to do was to switch Z schools. Did I want to? Not at all. But I know I had to since I can’t rely on someone else to drive. I’m very disappointed that my neighbor didn’t keep their word and therefore I have to uproot Z from here school since I don’t have time to make other arrangements but, it is what it is. All I can do is suck it up and present it to Z in a way that will make it seem appealing and fun and exciting.
I did all the paperwork and applied for the bus for her and received an email response that said she wouldn’t get bussing. That sent me over the edge. I cried again, since now I literally felt like there was nothing else to do but then after I cried I pulled myself together (yes again) and called the bussing people and explained that I understand I applied late but I didn’t know I would need bussing back in July, since I was driving back then. Is there anything that could be done? She looked into the routes and found that the email I received was most likely a pre-generated response and that the bus on our route only currently has 23 students on it and they have 50 seats so she was 99% sure Z will get a seat. Phew. Ok. Thank you.
So after my huge emotional few days (and few years I feel like, like common) I have Z registered at a new school, most likely to receive bussing. I told her and she’s a little nervous but excited about the bus since Little E is also taking a bus to middle school this year. A different school bus but still. I’m just glad both of them will be getting to school and home without me needing to figure out rides for them constantly. Because you know what my moms suggestion was??? I could always homeschool Z 😱 Umm no thanks.
Also very much a side note, should Travis Scott ever see this. Are you kidding me? Not only is Stormi prolly not even gonna remember half the crap you buy her, she’s not gonna realize you’re spoiling her. So think of all the things and good you coulda done the whole world with that money instead of just getting a bus for one kid for one day. But that’s just me.