If Somebody Asked How We Died You Look Them Straight In The Eye

😶‍🌫️ There isn’t really a good emoji to describe how I currently feel. Mainly because I currently feel suicidal. I’ve been on my new medication for two weeks exactly now, doubling the dosage one week in, and it has been messing with me. At first I thought oh I’m just not feeling myself because work is stressful or life in general is stupid and all the excuses you could think of. But then when I doubled the does last week and things got worse, I realized that my change in behaviour is definitely linked to the medication. I’ve been way more irritable at the slightest thing which has been unfortunate for my kids. I’ve been having to just walk away and have cry sessions in my room for no reasons. The littlest comment made me agitated which is not a usual behaviour of mine. Now, I will admit when I was a teen I did have suicidal thoughts and two attempts, which I know now were linked to other medication that I was on when my seizures first started. But I’ve been fine now for the last however many years, even with all the shit I’ve gone through.

But now? The last week has gotten so bad and so quick. To the point this afternoon I was looking up if it would be possible to OD on the meds I have since I have two seizure medications and one pain medication from the dentist from when my teeth were pushed out of place when I seized so severely. Unfortunately (or fortunately however you look at it) the articles I read said that most people who attempted with the new medication I have made full recoveries within a few days with full support at the hospital. Each article at the end had a little message saying something along the lines of if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts blah blah blah contact your medical professional immediately. So, even though I felt like a weight was lifted off at the thought of dying, and how much better everything would be if it was over, it was more frustrating that I couldn’t easily do it by swallowing all my pills. So I called the clinic and got the voicemail. I wasn’t prepared to leave a message. I mean, what do you say to a machine? ‘Hi I’m wanting to kill myself because my life sucks and I want out?’ ‘ Hey it’s your patient C and I no longer want to live thanks to the medication you prescribed?’ ‘Hey wassup? It’s ya gurl C Imma off myself tonight and I thought u should be the first to know 😎?’

Well I didn’t go with any of those. It was more along the lines of ‘Hi it’s C I’m a patient of Dr K and I started the Vimpat he prescribed me two weeks ago and I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts. And they are getting worse. So I’ve called for help. My number is 123-456-7890’ And part way through my voice cracked because I was tearing up so that was all I could manage before I had to hang up, since it is not easy asking for help in general, but especially when your admitting that you want to kill yourself. To a machine. But I realized hey, I made it that far. I did something good for myself by making that call and asking for help. But I needed to take another step. Since I know myself. I’ve been dumb enough to attempt this before. So I sent the kids off to walk and get the mail and called my mom as well. That one was a little harder. We were on FaceTime and as stupid as I felt talking to a machine, I just don’t enjoy talking about deep things with my mom. She’s judgmental and can get annoying and all that shit. But I didn’t do it for her. I had to do it for me. So I have her on FaceTime and I tell her the kids are out and I have to tell her something and that I’ve been struggling this past little while, and she goes ‘oh I’m sorry you cut out there I didn’t hear anything you said’ and I’m just annoyed and aggravated by now and don’t want to talk about it but I’m already halfway in so I just dive right in and tell her that I feel suicidal and it’s started the last 10 days or so and gotten progressively worse to the point of, like I’m there. Like I’m ready to do it. And I’m 100% sure it’s because of the medication I started 2 weeks ago.

So she just says oh you have to stop the medication and I’m thinking this is why I didn’t want to call you. But I say you can’t just stop seizure medication since that can cause more aggressive seizures. I blatantly tell her she is not a doctor she has no medical training I’m not taking her advice. In hindsight I was probably slightly rude and but can’t change that now. She starts asking when did it start? How do I feel? Just things I don’t want to talk about. Thankful the doctors office calls back then so I tell her I have to take the call.

It’s the receptionist. Unfortunately the doctor is gone for the day but she got my message and asks for more details to pass along to the doctor. Basically lots of the same questions my mom was asking but for some reason I feel they’re more valid because she’s gone to school regarding them. Very judgmental of me I’m aware, I’ll work on it. But I’m in a judgmental state of mind currently and it’s my life I currently want to take so I think I can pick and choose who asks what questions.

Anyway she makes sure I have a number for the crisis line here in town who I’ll admit I’ll never call. Im not interested in talking to a bunch of people who don’t even know me. She says call 911 if I don’t want to talk to them. She also says don’t stop my medication (told you mom) but reduce it slightly for now until the doctor calls tomorrow. Since I’ve only been on it 2 weeks, reducing it is a better option than suicidal thoughts, since we want to keep me safe she said. And if we are weighing options of suicide versus seizures we choose the less medication until we can figure things out for now.

So, here’s the deal. I’ve been on these meds for two weeks, and I was originally going to be happy to report that I’ve had no grand mal seizures in those weeks. My kids say I’ve had less of the little absent seizures during the day. I have however had one weird seizure Saturday afternoon where I was kinda seizing during the day where I had to lay down and watch my hands crimp up and twitch back and forth yet I couldn’t control them, and didn’t feel like myself for about half hour after. I discussed all these with the receptionist but I tell you only to say I thought I was possibly on the mend. Maybe I had finally found a ‘cure’. But now I will have to reduce the medication I’m taking to… live? Is that a better option? I’m not all that sure. 6 hours ago I was looking at options to see if that medication would work to let me overdose. Now I’m here, laying on my bed with those meds literally one foot away, weighing my options.

And to be honest. The scale is very well balanced. ⚖️

Suicide / James Arthur