š¶āš«ļø There isnāt really a good emoji to describe how I currently feel. Mainly because I currently feel suicidal. Iāve been on my new medication for two weeks exactly now, doubling the dosage one week in, and it has been messing with me. At first I thought oh Iām just not feeling myself because work is stressful or life in general is stupid and all the excuses you could think of. But then when I doubled the does last week and things got worse, I realized that my change in behaviour is definitely linked to the medication. Iāve been way more irritable at the slightest thing which has been unfortunate for my kids. Iāve been having to just walk away and have cry sessions in my room for no reasons. The littlest comment made me agitated which is not a usual behaviour of mine. Now, I will admit when I was a teen I did have suicidal thoughts and two attempts, which I know now were linked to other medication that I was on when my seizures first started. But Iāve been fine now for the last however many years, even with all the shit Iāve gone through.
But now? The last week has gotten so bad and so quick. To the point this afternoon I was looking up if it would be possible to OD on the meds I have since I have two seizure medications and one pain medication from the dentist from when my teeth were pushed out of place when I seized so severely. Unfortunately (or fortunately however you look at it) the articles I read said that most people who attempted with the new medication I have made full recoveries within a few days with full support at the hospital. Each article at the end had a little message saying something along the lines of if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts blah blah blah contact your medical professional immediately. So, even though I felt like a weight was lifted off at the thought of dying, and how much better everything would be if it was over, it was more frustrating that I couldnāt easily do it by swallowing all my pills. So I called the clinic and got the voicemail. I wasnāt prepared to leave a message. I mean, what do you say to a machine? āHi Iām wanting to kill myself because my life sucks and I want out?ā ā Hey itās your patient C and I no longer want to live thanks to the medication you prescribed?ā āHey wassup? Itās ya gurl C Imma off myself tonight and I thought u should be the first to know š?ā
Well I didnāt go with any of those. It was more along the lines of āHi itās C Iām a patient of Dr K and I started the Vimpat he prescribed me two weeks ago and Iām struggling with suicidal thoughts. And they are getting worse. So Iāve called for help. My number is 123-456-7890ā And part way through my voice cracked because I was tearing up so that was all I could manage before I had to hang up, since it is not easy asking for help in general, but especially when your admitting that you want to kill yourself. To a machine. But I realized hey, I made it that far. I did something good for myself by making that call and asking for help. But I needed to take another step. Since I know myself. Iāve been dumb enough to attempt this before. So I sent the kids off to walk and get the mail and called my mom as well. That one was a little harder. We were on FaceTime and as stupid as I felt talking to a machine, I just donāt enjoy talking about deep things with my mom. Sheās judgmental and can get annoying and all that shit. But I didnāt do it for her. I had to do it for me. So I have her on FaceTime and I tell her the kids are out and I have to tell her something and that Iāve been struggling this past little while, and she goes āoh Iām sorry you cut out there I didnāt hear anything you saidā and Iām just annoyed and aggravated by now and donāt want to talk about it but Iām already halfway in so I just dive right in and tell her that I feel suicidal and itās started the last 10 days or so and gotten progressively worse to the point of, like Iām there. Like Iām ready to do it. And Iām 100% sure itās because of the medication I started 2 weeks ago.
So she just says oh you have to stop the medication and Iām thinking this is why I didnāt want to call you. But I say you canāt just stop seizure medication since that can cause more aggressive seizures. I blatantly tell her she is not a doctor she has no medical training Iām not taking her advice. In hindsight I was probably slightly rude and but canāt change that now. She starts asking when did it start? How do I feel? Just things I donāt want to talk about. Thankful the doctors office calls back then so I tell her I have to take the call.
Itās the receptionist. Unfortunately the doctor is gone for the day but she got my message and asks for more details to pass along to the doctor. Basically lots of the same questions my mom was asking but for some reason I feel theyāre more valid because sheās gone to school regarding them. Very judgmental of me Iām aware, Iāll work on it. But Iām in a judgmental state of mind currently and itās my life I currently want to take so I think I can pick and choose who asks what questions.
Anyway she makes sure I have a number for the crisis line here in town who Iāll admit Iāll never call. Im not interested in talking to a bunch of people who donāt even know me. She says call 911 if I donāt want to talk to them. She also says donāt stop my medication (told you mom) but reduce it slightly for now until the doctor calls tomorrow. Since Iāve only been on it 2 weeks, reducing it is a better option than suicidal thoughts, since we want to keep me safe she said. And if we are weighing options of suicide versus seizures we choose the less medication until we can figure things out for now.
So, hereās the deal. Iāve been on these meds for two weeks, and I was originally going to be happy to report that Iāve had no grand mal seizures in those weeks. My kids say Iāve had less of the little absent seizures during the day. I have however had one weird seizure Saturday afternoon where I was kinda seizing during the day where I had to lay down and watch my hands crimp up and twitch back and forth yet I couldnāt control them, and didnāt feel like myself for about half hour after. I discussed all these with the receptionist but I tell you only to say I thought I was possibly on the mend. Maybe I had finally found a ācureā. But now I will have to reduce the medication Iām taking toā¦ live? Is that a better option? Iām not all that sure. 6 hours ago I was looking at options to see if that medication would work to let me overdose. Now Iām here, laying on my bed with those meds literally one foot away, weighing my options.
And to be honest. The scale is very well balanced. āļø
Suicide / James Arthur
