So I’ll be heading to Vancouver this week. My life has been full of tests. 3 different kinds of blood work. An ECG. Now I have to head to Vancouver since the Doctor from the epilepsy clinic wants me to have a special type of MRI, and they only have the machine for it at the hospital there. So my mom is flying in on Thursday and picking me up from work, then we’ll grab the kids and drive out. We got a hotel for the night and my MRI is Friday morning and then I have an appointment to see the doctor shortly after as well. Then we’re coming straight back here.
My mom had to rent a car because I decided to sell my car after all and it sold after about a week and a half. With no air conditioning and all 🙌🏼. Not being able to drive has been…. A pain in the ass. I’ve been at home A LOT. I’ve tried the whole grocery delivery thing but only one store in our area does it. The others have like click and collect which obviously doesn’t work if you can’t drive to collect. Anyway, for some reason I feel like people are judging me when I do the delivery way. I feel I have to eat healthier 🤦🏻♀️ I know, they probably couldn’t care less, and I have issues, but I’ve still noticed I’ve been making sure I choose the healthy version of whichever I’m buying.
I also apparently have huge issues asking for rides. Maybe it’s a pride thing, maybe it’s a not wanting to bother people, I’m not sure. Does it matter? I just miss being able to do it all on my own and not having to have conversations with people about things I don’t care about just being they’re driving. Like driving used to be my only private time after I dropped the kids off at school and headed to work, I’d turn the music WAY up and have 20 minutes just to myself. Singing. Maybe dancing. Feeling the breeze. Just being me. And now, I have to maybe sit in a taxi, or have polite chit chat with family. It’s the worst. And to make it even more awful they all suck at driving.
But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. And I’m thankful that I have people who have been helping me out. Thankfully my boss is good with my working from home for the most part now. I only have to go in once a week to do invoicing and filing but everything else I’m able to do from home. Which is good on two levels because I still wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my kids for the summer. 😩 So last week they were at camp, and they will be at camp for one more week in August, but for the Thursday mornings I go in, they’ll just be chilling at home for the couple hours, with the neighbors watching.
So as far as my seizures go 🤬, I had another one the other night. And it was a bad one. I had gotten a mouth guard last week to protect myself from biting my tongue which normally happens when I seize. Turns out it was useless/made it worse. I clenched my teeth so hard, that the little bit of the mouth guard that was supposed to hold my mouth apart failed. Instead of holding my teeth apart, I seized so hard, my teeth moved 😩. My two front bottom teeth pushed out of the way and I woke up to blood everywhere, which is not the first time, since normally I bite my tongue and that’s what bleeds. But this time my two teeth were moved so much they pulled away from the inside wire they were glued to. My mouth hurts like a bitch. The dentist can’t get me in until tomorrow and I’m honestly not sure what they will be able to do. Anytime anything even touches one of the teeth it sends such a shock of pain. I can’t chew, I’ve been eating yogurt, soup and coffee. I’m taking constant pain medication because talking and having my lips brush against the teeth hurts. I’m worried at this point that they can’t be put back in place. Like once adult teeth are loose/lost pulled from the root, there’s pretty much nothing you can do to put them back. I look ridiculous 😞 and I’m beyond annoyed with these seizures. I’ve been trying to do everything I can to be ‘good’ and ‘ better’ and it’s just getting worse and more painful.
I’ve lost my ability to drive, I can’t eat regularly, I look like a drug addict with my teeth falling out now. And that’s all on top of my shitty life. All for what? What did I do to deserve this? Like please. I think that’s enough, thanks.
Bleed From Within/The Music