I Talk To You Every Now And Then I Never Felt So Alone Again

I don’t know how people get into successful relationships nowadays. The only way I can meet someone in pandemic times is if they are a parent to the kids of your kids friends. And all of them are married and in happy relationships. So here I am, 7 years after I left my marriage and still alone. Very alone. I’m the third wheel at office Christmas parties. I’m the only one without a significant other at church BBQ’s. The kids sporting events are awkward to join into conversations at since everyone’s talking about family events where mom and dad did etc. So there’s just so much tension around all those things. And yeah I try and play it cool but there’s only so cool one person can be in a two person situation.

So, with this whole Covid setting keeping us all apart and socially distanced, how are people supposed to form new relationships and friendships? Don’t get me wrong I LOVE a good quiet night home alone, but there’s only so many nights in a row I can take before I lose my shit and 7 years worth has me losing it. I don’t think I can handle much more with any amount of dignity and grace before this depression of mine spirals out of control. I’d really like a partner to at least pretend to want to enjoy this life with me. Even if just for a little bit.

-Blink 182/Carousel-

9 thoughts on “I Talk To You Every Now And Then I Never Felt So Alone Again

  1. Have you tried any of the on-line dating sites? There are ones for Christians, ones for specific age groups…. that is how my single friends are meeting people these days, though the pandemic obviously complicates things….

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  2. No advice from me. Still trying to fathom single parent dating myself (often tempted to blog about my crazier experiences!!) But what about you, as in focus on you. You’re such a great writer. Is there a local writers or readers or podcasts group you could join …?

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    1. I’ve been focusing on myself for the last 7 years. That’s what led me to write this blog. That’s what led me to some of my weirder thoughts and experiences. That’s probably why I’m alone since no one else lives as deep in the weirdness as I do.

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  3. I’m probably not explaining myself too well, but I wonder if your extraordinary mind is what makes you such an engaging writer. So by meeting up with other local writers/creative people it could be a way to meet like minded people…who tickle your fancy more than the dating site brigade?

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    1. I’ll just go out and say it…. moved to a city where there are hardly any men I’m attracted to. I like a certain variety of guys and, well they do not live here in the Okanagan. So it doesn’t matter what club or group I join, I doubt there would be anyone I’m sexually interested in. Thanks though

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  4. As much as I practice suiting up and showing up there is still a melancholy that follows me like dirt off of Peanut’s Pigpen.

    When I read what you wrote in this post I hear feelings of loneliness and sadness.

    For me, I never in a million guesses believed my life would entail being 53, twice divorced, estranged from my daughter, brother, and living in such a rural area of Anywhere. I can paint all the smiles onto the good things (and there are good things in my life) but I feel the weight of an omnipresent loneliness. I might speak of it but the people that love me and see me know it exists.

    Running helps immensely. Dancing, even if it’s alone in the middle of the kitchen, helps immensely. Therapy helps immensely.

    However, those actions help, they don’t fix.

    What doesn’t help is adopting a toxic positivity that forces me to censure what I am feeling or how I am feeling. Dr. Susan David talks about the idea concept of emotional agility and feeling all the feelings I feel without self-judgement, self-contempt, or self-pity. Life is hard. It isn’t personal. When I remember this I allow myself to feel depression if I feel depression, sadness if I feel sadness, and loneliness if I feel loneliness.

    This reminds me of two authors:

    As Carl Jung wrote, “What we resist persists, and even grows.”

    And Walt Whitman’s lines about loneliness. He writes:

    “When I peruse the conquer’d fame of heroes and the victories of
    mighty generals, I do not envy the generals,
    Nor the President in his Presidency, nor the rich in his great house,
    But when I hear of the brotherhood of lovers, how it was with them,
    How together through life, through dangers, odium, unchanging, long
    and long,
    Through youth and through middle and old age, how unfaltering, how
    affectionate and faithful they were,
    Then I am pensive?I hastily walk away fill’d with the bitterest envy.”

    I wired for connection, empathy, love, and passion but I cannot find the spark.

    Thank you for sharing this moment in your life. I felt it.

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