I’m Too Depressed To Go On You’ll Be Sorry When I’m Gone

I know. I haven’t posted. I think I’m depressed. Or falling into a depression. Or word it however you want. But it is what it is. Things are just all falling to shit and as much as I’m trying my best to “stay positive” or “think good thoughts” it’s hard asf when things in life are just going down the shitter.

My first appointment with the doctor with the epilepsy clinic in Vancouver is in June. Ok all fine and good you’d say. Except that of course that means that if things move forward with surgery it’ll be right during the summer most likely. When my kids are out of school so trying to find childcare for them will be doubly expensive because it won’t just be after school stuff or whatever it’ll be all the time. So there’s that.

Then, my company is basically dying. Nothing to do with me. It’s just due to COVID we aren’t getting many contracts at all because the mines are suffering and don’t want to bring as many outside contractors in. So therefore they don’t need us to supply them. Sooooo, talks around the office have basically turned to what can we do to keep the company afloat? And if we can’t, we all have to find new jobs. Which is the WORST timing ever. Not that I don’t think I can find a new job, I’m very hireable, and do great in interviews, but because if I have to get a new job soon, how do I shortly after explain to them that I need a couple months off for brain surgery? Probably won’t make a new boss very happy, or do I tell them in the interview? If I do that, I most likely won’t even get hired. And if I’m out of a job, how do I pay for bills while trying not to stress in recovery. It’s all a very depressing situation.

Do I go find a new job and just hold off on the surgery? Ask the doctor to reschedule my appointments for a year or two? Hope the company shuts down and my boss gives me a decent severance to last my through my surgery plus go on EI, then hope to get a new job after? Although I can’t drive for a year after surgery…. ugh. So many factors. I don’t know. And it’s to much to try and solve now.

I should note, I’m not suicidal depressed, I’m just like, this is a crappy place to be and I’m not sure where to go at this point. I have been suicidal in the past, and yes I have attempted it in my teenage years. But no, I’m just blah. All the time just like unemotional and not caring right now. And annoyed that life just seems to always point me down a path of junk. When I really try hard to make decent choices and avoid all the things that would lead a person to this point…. life just always makes me end up here anyway. I work hard. I studied hard and graduated with honours. I never smoked or did drugs. I avoided the ‘bad crowd’ I never snuck out as a teen. I was just always a good kid. I don’t really drink, just the occasional glass of wine or cooler during the summer maybe. But all that doesn’t matter. Life threw all its shit at me anyway. Rape. Epilepsy. Abusive Husband. The list goes on and on. Now I live in a trailer park with two kids and I’m dealing with this next situation.

Like I’m so over it.


-Adam’s Song/Blink 182-

11 thoughts on “I’m Too Depressed To Go On You’ll Be Sorry When I’m Gone

  1. This is A LOT, my friend… I am so sorry you have to endure all of this. It sure sounds like you have had more than your fair share of struggles. I wish there were magic words…there aren’t…but I am focused on you in this moment, and sending healing thoughts your way. I hope things get easier for you ❤

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  2. I know this might sound crazy, but love is always the right answer and always the way forward. What and who do you love and who or what loves you? The answer to this is always going to point in the right direction. When we shut down emotionally, which is what you described above, the ability to feel love goes with everything else. You can lose your focus when you lose your connection to love. I have been where you are. Your words (different circumstances) could have been mine. There are threads all around you to grasp to help you up out of the dark place you are. There are no “right” answers. There are no true rewards for good or bad. But there is always love. Focus on the feeling not the “answers” and the next right thing will appear. It always does. You’re in my thoughts, my friend. This is a lot of pain and oh my god, so…much…loss. 💕

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  3. Gosh that does sound a lousy hand to have been dealt. Hope there are people around who listen when you need to talk. Take care…we’ve missed your posts xx

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  4. Sending you love and light and positive vibes. I will be praying for you. Life definitely is hard, try to focus on living in the moment and try to take it one day at a time. Feel better soon, maybe you can earn a few extra bucks with Amazon Mechanical Turk, that’s what I do on the side when things get tight. It doesn’t pay much, but it adds up and will bring in a bit to help you save a little before summer arrives.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha I just received an email saying I will not be permitted to work on Mechanical Turk at this time and to not even bother emailing back to ask why since they cannot share that information at this time 🤦🏻‍♀️

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