I know. I haven’t posted. I think I’m depressed. Or falling into a depression. Or word it however you want. But it is what it is. Things are just all falling to shit and as much as I’m trying my best to “stay positive” or “think good thoughts” it’s hard asf when things in life are just going down the shitter.
My first appointment with the doctor with the epilepsy clinic in Vancouver is in June. Ok all fine and good you’d say. Except that of course that means that if things move forward with surgery it’ll be right during the summer most likely. When my kids are out of school so trying to find childcare for them will be doubly expensive because it won’t just be after school stuff or whatever it’ll be all the time. So there’s that.
Then, my company is basically dying. Nothing to do with me. It’s just due to COVID we aren’t getting many contracts at all because the mines are suffering and don’t want to bring as many outside contractors in. So therefore they don’t need us to supply them. Sooooo, talks around the office have basically turned to what can we do to keep the company afloat? And if we can’t, we all have to find new jobs. Which is the WORST timing ever. Not that I don’t think I can find a new job, I’m very hireable, and do great in interviews, but because if I have to get a new job soon, how do I shortly after explain to them that I need a couple months off for brain surgery? Probably won’t make a new boss very happy, or do I tell them in the interview? If I do that, I most likely won’t even get hired. And if I’m out of a job, how do I pay for bills while trying not to stress in recovery. It’s all a very depressing situation.
Do I go find a new job and just hold off on the surgery? Ask the doctor to reschedule my appointments for a year or two? Hope the company shuts down and my boss gives me a decent severance to last my through my surgery plus go on EI, then hope to get a new job after? Although I can’t drive for a year after surgery…. ugh. So many factors. I don’t know. And it’s to much to try and solve now.
I should note, I’m not suicidal depressed, I’m just like, this is a crappy place to be and I’m not sure where to go at this point. I have been suicidal in the past, and yes I have attempted it in my teenage years. But no, I’m just blah. All the time just like unemotional and not caring right now. And annoyed that life just seems to always point me down a path of junk. When I really try hard to make decent choices and avoid all the things that would lead a person to this point…. life just always makes me end up here anyway. I work hard. I studied hard and graduated with honours. I never smoked or did drugs. I avoided the ‘bad crowd’ I never snuck out as a teen. I was just always a good kid. I don’t really drink, just the occasional glass of wine or cooler during the summer maybe. But all that doesn’t matter. Life threw all its shit at me anyway. Rape. Epilepsy. Abusive Husband. The list goes on and on. Now I live in a trailer park with two kids and I’m dealing with this next situation.
Like I’m so over it.
-Adam’s Song/Blink 182-