Can I just be honest for a minute? I mean all my posts are brutally honest but for real today… and for to long lately, I’ve been really struggling with feelings of deep inadequacy. Like straight STRUGGLING.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and doing well, but a person can have more than one feeling at once, and when the feelings of not being… well just not being good enough in any way shape or form hit me, they hit hard. I’ve been really trying to overcome them and not let my mind succumb to them and sometimes my thoughts win and I move on with my day and sometimes life just seems to keep pelting me when I’m down and there is just so much a human can take. A lot of you know most of my story already. Divorced parents. Don’t really know my dad. Raped as a teen. Abusive ex husband with mental health issues. The list goes on and on. Took me a long time to process all that crap and be better mentally but I’ve been doing my best. I’ve finally settled down in a nice town that happens to be a more expensive place to live so my house is in a trailer park, something that has a stigma attached to it here in Canada but I worked hard to get over.
Appears like I’m the only one. I thought I’d apply to be a host family for an international student, to add some more culture to our house and share our life with others as well as have that experience for my kids. I had great references and the interview process went great as the person interviewing me kept commenting on how great of a host I would be. Until it was ‘revealed’ that I lived in a trailer. Now this was not something I was keeping secret and technically it’s a manufactured home and bigger than my last house but the label of the trailer park immediately canceled my application. They no longer cared who I was as a person or what I stood for or what I had to offer. But they judged myself and my family and household sight unseen based on that one word. Trailer.
They profiled me and told me to shred my application. She said that people come into the international student program and expect the genuine Canadian experience and there are certain standards they expect and living in a trailer is not that.
I could talk to you until I’m blue in the face about how my house is immaculate and beautifully decorated with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I could explain that it’s bigger and more roomy than any townhouse or condo in my city, with a bigger yard and the beach is less than 100 feet away, but that wouldn’t matter to them because it is in a trailer park. And it felt like a shot to the gut. Because even though she explained it was a ‘rule’ it felt like a judgment against me personally. Like she was saying the way I raise my kids and live my life isn’t good enough. Not up to Canadian standards. And when I say I fell mentally hard, I mean it.
I’ve been doing my best but it’s like the world just knows when you’re down and that’s when it kicks you hard.
Knowing that I’ve been really going through issues with feeling not good enough for anything lately and having that thrown at me was to much. And to top off the cake was the fact I had just this week spent a solid $600-$700 on getting the room ready. Buying a new mattress, dresser, and desk with a chair to meet the requirements and set it up for the student. I knew it was a lot and didn’t really have the money up front but figured eventually I’d recoup it once the student arrived after a few months. Now don’t get me wrong, money was not my main motivator for doing this, I truly wanted to bring someone into our home to welcome them and round out our life. Someone to converse with more and just share our lives with, because yes, I’m lonely, as we all know from my cat experiment.
But it appears for now, I’m really, very truly meant to be alone. And I’m trying my very best to be ok with that.
And I tell you truly, it’s hard. Because all I want is a partner, to be good enough for someone else. But what to do when the world continually denies me that? That’s been my struggle for a few years now. Trying to be satisfied with being alone physically and mentally, but also trying to find ways to stimulate that part of me that needs to have conversation with other people. It’s like the universe is just like nope. That’s not for you C. You get a pet, but your allergic. You apply to be a host, denied. Your asked on your first date, so you try, but you know your still in love with someone else who just…. it’s not working out. So I remain alone.
And try to not lose my mind.
In the meantime, if anyone is looking for a place to rent, I have a freshly furnished room available 🤦🏻♀️