I’ve Been Here Before A Few Times And I’m Quite Aware We’re Dying

Can I just be honest for a minute? I mean all my posts are brutally honest but for real today… and for to long lately, I’ve been really struggling with feelings of deep inadequacy. Like straight STRUGGLING.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and doing well, but a person can have more than one feeling at once, and when the feelings of not being… well just not being good enough in any way shape or form hit me, they hit hard. I’ve been really trying to overcome them and not let my mind succumb to them and sometimes my thoughts win and I move on with my day and sometimes life just seems to keep pelting me when I’m down and there is just so much a human can take. A lot of you know most of my story already. Divorced parents. Don’t really know my dad. Raped as a teen. Abusive ex husband with mental health issues. The list goes on and on. Took me a long time to process all that crap and be better mentally but I’ve been doing my best. I’ve finally settled down in a nice town that happens to be a more expensive place to live so my house is in a trailer park, something that has a stigma attached to it here in Canada but I worked hard to get over.

Appears like I’m the only one. I thought I’d apply to be a host family for an international student, to add some more culture to our house and share our life with others as well as have that experience for my kids. I had great references and the interview process went great as the person interviewing me kept commenting on how great of a host I would be. Until it was ‘revealed’ that I lived in a trailer. Now this was not something I was keeping secret and technically it’s a manufactured home and bigger than my last house but the label of the trailer park immediately canceled my application. They no longer cared who I was as a person or what I stood for or what I had to offer. But they judged myself and my family and household sight unseen based on that one word. Trailer.

They profiled me and told me to shred my application. She said that people come into the international student program and expect the genuine Canadian experience and there are certain standards they expect and living in a trailer is not that.

I could talk to you until I’m blue in the face about how my house is immaculate and beautifully decorated with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I could explain that it’s bigger and more roomy than any townhouse or condo in my city, with a bigger yard and the beach is less than 100 feet away, but that wouldn’t matter to them because it is in a trailer park. And it felt like a shot to the gut. Because even though she explained it was a ‘rule’ it felt like a judgment against me personally. Like she was saying the way I raise my kids and live my life isn’t good enough. Not up to Canadian standards. And when I say I fell mentally hard, I mean it.

I’ve been doing my best but it’s like the world just knows when you’re down and that’s when it kicks you hard.

Knowing that I’ve been really going through issues with feeling not good enough for anything lately and having that thrown at me was to much. And to top off the cake was the fact I had just this week spent a solid $600-$700 on getting the room ready. Buying a new mattress, dresser, and desk with a chair to meet the requirements and set it up for the student. I knew it was a lot and didn’t really have the money up front but figured eventually I’d recoup it once the student arrived after a few months. Now don’t get me wrong, money was not my main motivator for doing this, I truly wanted to bring someone into our home to welcome them and round out our life. Someone to converse with more and just share our lives with, because yes, I’m lonely, as we all know from my cat experiment.

But it appears for now, I’m really, very truly meant to be alone. And I’m trying my very best to be ok with that.

And I tell you truly, it’s hard. Because all I want is a partner, to be good enough for someone else. But what to do when the world continually denies me that? That’s been my struggle for a few years now. Trying to be satisfied with being alone physically and mentally, but also trying to find ways to stimulate that part of me that needs to have conversation with other people. It’s like the universe is just like nope. That’s not for you C. You get a pet, but your allergic. You apply to be a host, denied. Your asked on your first date, so you try, but you know your still in love with someone else who just…. it’s not working out. So I remain alone.

Very alone.

And try to not lose my mind.

In the meantime, if anyone is looking for a place to rent, I have a freshly furnished room available 🤦🏻‍♀️


-Blink 182/Always-

14 thoughts on “I’ve Been Here Before A Few Times And I’m Quite Aware We’re Dying

  1. I’m sorry they are so judgmental, an international student far away from home would have been lucky to stay with you.
    Could you ask the school directly if you are allowed to put a notice up to say you’ve got a room free? Or maybe at some cafes and shops near the school/university?
    We have two hospitals in our town, and there’s always people looking for a room near to their work, so there’s a notice board at the entrance where people post their house shares etc.

    (In my experience postgraduate and doctoral students are the best, as they just want to knuckle down and focus on their work. But if you can’t choose, atleast try to get a final year or second year student XD).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Starting over is tough. But you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a big heart. I hope you find a good use for that room especially after you put so much work and $ into it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sure you’ll get an international student who is actually in need of a room in your town, you can try the school, Craigslist, Twitter and any other student centred social media around. Thank you for reading my blog post way out in Canada, it made me feel less alone!

    Like

  4. Sending a metaphorical hug to you……I understand your situation all too well. But. The idea is the vehicle for the manifestation, right? So you’ve had a brilliant idea and it WILL come to fruition. Deep breath.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. i feel sure you will! (non illegitemi carborundum ( so much for latin spelling), after all. ) You will find the right thing, as it is probably searching for you, too. And i have to say it made me laugh, sort of…i mean, where we are? EVERYBODY lives in manufactured homes. !! so what? Keep your head up.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Very honest sharing here. Glad you were able to write that all out. I like the saying “What other people think of me is none of my business”. I think you are doing great considering all you have been through. So give yourself some good credit and I trust you will find something else that brings you peace and helps with the aloneness, too. Keep taking good care of yourself. Sincerely, Connie Webb and from all you shared, I feel you are doing great! You have to just keep believing that and not worry about what others think. Peace to you!

    Liked by 1 person

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