Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and relaxing before going to sleep and calming my breathing and thought patterns as has become my habit lately. Also something that has become part of my life is thinking of K too much. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I pushed thought of him as far I could. Sometimes thoughts of him would come, but it’s wasn’t so much thoughts of him so much as thoughts from him. And sometimes I figured what’s the harm of enjoying what little of him I had in my life? And I would allow the thoughts from him to hold me while I slept at night or tell me he loved me… things like that. But a few weeks ago, as I was relaxing, and getting rid of my thoughts from the day and releasing unwanted emotions and energy etc, all of a sudden I was just a thought. I wasn’t even in my room or on my bed. Me, in my whole entirety as C, was represented as only a thought. I had no weight of the world holding me down. No previous emotions or situations keeping me here. I was just so in that moment that I was singularly that thought of Me. And I was with the singular thought that represents K. And we talked.

And then to reform my world was a slow scary step by step process. What should I do first? How should I move to ‘rebecome’ C? The room and remembrance of where I was on my bed in Kelowna took place first. And then from there the whole world as it was just sort of fell into place in my memory as I reached slowly for a drink or water. The whole time thinking is this the right move to make? Or should I be recreating this scene differently? Am I fucking up all of my future? Or is this predestined already? Anyways. I laid back on my bed and went to sleep almost immediately, and dreamt of K which at this point is normal.

What was not normal? K called me the next day. After all this time.

Up until now, I could basically play it off like this was all in my head and I’m just a girl who was way to in love with a guy. But when he called the next day and said he was thinking of me the night before… a lot. And that he’d been thinking of me a lot all the time? It was both a relief and a stress.

Now this is real real. Like now I can’t just play it off like this is only in my head. Now he’s obviously connected to me too. I explained what happened to me (kinda, I mean how do you explain this) expecting him to have experienced the same, but was disappointed when he said no, he just heard my name said over and over so loud and clear in his head. I asked him who’s voice it sounded like and he said his own. So either he’s downplayed what happened to him, or he’s not experiencing things as deeply as I am, in which case lucky him because this shit is scary. When the whole universe dissolves enough to bring your being close enough to someone else’s so they hear your name, but then the reality is recreated like no biggie? How else do you describe it other than terrifying?

And how do I move on from here? It’s not like there’s a textbook full of studies on the subject. When you’ve discovered something this mind blowing and new, it’s…. well mind blowing and new. So I’m at a loss.

A loss so big it’s leaving me feeling very alone and helpless. Because I literally feel like there is no one to turn to for support, as this is not something that’s been dealt with before and the person I’m supposedly going through it with, is not even as deep as I am.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your writing is very raw and soulful. I haven’t looked at your profile or read all of your posts yet…so this may be a dumb question so please forgive me…have you considered the possibility of Twin Flames?

    • I know it’s real. My other blog, the birth of love, details the first dream soul encounter K and I had where I heard that phrase used for the first time in my life. We had met in life, but then our souls connected and released this information to me. He didn’t experience the same which left me more than frustrated, because I couldn’t explain my experience to him and he wanted to understand it and felt even more left out for not being part of the experience. It brought more of a rift between us. But that part of the twin flame experience. The ying yang if you will. When one is up, the other is down. Etc.

      • I ask because I myself am a Twin Flame and the spiritual side which it sounds like you are the spiritual side as well. The matrix side doesn’t experience things the same way but it doesn’t mean it isn’t intense for them from their perspective. ❤️ Really the experiences come down to what speaks to us personally. I feel your post hard and will be checking back often. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you are in need. Love and light to you!!

  2. Losing ‘C’ is welcome, given the disappearance of illusory self. Replacing an illusion with another illusion is not skillful. What is noticing that ‘C’ had departed?
    Notice the noticing. You are the untouchable noticing.

    • No idea what you just said. That why I feel there’s such a disconnect on this subject. People who are trying to understand it, or explain it, are way off the deep end and have trouble connecting with people who have never considered the concept before. Baby steps.

Keep the conversation going