I Don’t Wanna Admit To Something If All It’s Gonna Cause Is Pain The Truth And My Lies Are Now Falling Like The Rain

Have you every stopped and actually thought about what infinity could and can and does possibly mean?

If you/we are infinite beings, and the universe goes on ‘forever’ then at by definition means that at any given moment, you can be at the center of it. Because to think logically about the illogical, if there is no end and no beginning, then everyone and everything is at all times and never, the middle. Both the controlled and, to be even more frank, the controller.

We are the ones who are always actively choosing which next thought or step we will take from all the thoughts available. Which leads to the idea that all the ‘thoughts’ are all there to choose from the start. All the ideas have already been created, it’s just a simple process of which ones we choose to pull down into our thought process to create our train of thought, which as a result, creates us as a person. So far, there have been no two humans who have created a train of thought that was the exact same. All the available thoughts were there from the start and we all started off on our journeys and created ourselves by building from the choices placed in front of us.

Everything everyday, is a building environment. From is good a beneficial thing? Most choose yes. To is the sunshine hot, again most choices the majority agree on, so creation built up on that. But then humanity split with its choices and decisions. Some factors thought green was the best colour, some enjoyed blue more. And so on.

But now, we have the fact that most of the decisions have been made. Most of the thoughts have been thought. So do we dig into other humans thoughts and try to change them and gain power in our own knowledge and make our train or thought longer? Or do we join trains and become like a snake that devoured its tail, a never ending loop? Or do we compromise and bond side by side or even braid our thought train with others, as we begin to understand other points of view and the fact that our thoughts cannot be hidden from others.

So? Do we choose to continue to fight for what we choose only because it was in a different order than others? Or do we acknowledge that everyone has the same understanding as you, just in a different way and different perspective and so we take the time to learn what made them that way? How they choose that evil was good. How they choose to define the sun as cool? How their thoughts are different but still beautiful in their way, because they are from the same place yours are, just organized differently. And that’s what makes us beautiful and individuals. And right now, society is not prepared to become one again. Humanity is not ready to recognize that we all came from the center of infinity, but maybe we can start to learn that we can work our way back to it, by understanding that we all have the same thoughts within.

They just present themselves differently at this time, because,,, well, only one thought can lead your train, so your leading thought is most likely different than your neighbors, but it doesn’t mean that perhaps thought number two or three or four etc, is the same.

#thoughts

-Eminem/The River-

Welcome To Existence Everyone’s Here / Everybody’s Watching You Now Everybody Waits For You Now What Happens Next?

Today an ad popped up on my Instagram about preparing wills.

This is something I have been purposefully avoiding my entire life.

Not because I’m afraid to die because of death and all that jazz, but because in my will, I will undoubtedly have to name a Guardian for my kids. And I have no one who I would name. At this point in my life there is not a single person or couple that I would want my kids to be raised by other than with me.

My parents are out of the question for many reasons, part being the strained relationship my mother and I currently have. But also, they’re old. I want my kids to have a fun fulfilling life and my parents don’t have it in them to be sitting at soccer practice once a week and dance recitals/school plays all the time. They’ve done the discipline thing (horribly) and I don’t want them (my parents or kids) to go through that ordeal. They are just not the right fit. Sure they’re fine for a visit here and there and I trust my kids with them for like a sleepover, maybe even a weekend or something although that’s never happened, but anything longer would just be to much of them. And I know what to much of them turns into. Been there done that got the postcard and all the bills from therapy type situation.

My older sister R has 4 daughters of her own and as much as I’m sure Z would love being surrounded by sisters (or hate having less attention focused on her) I would feel uncomfortable for Little E being put in a situation like that. Plus they are super strict and highly religious and I’m just not on the same page regarding their beliefs about god or many other things in life, and therefore wouldn’t want that for my two children.

My younger sister N just had her first child last summer. I will admit it has changed her attitude towards life for the better in my opinion. It’s not so much all about her anymore which is nice to see, but the way her and her husband D live is just chaotic. They both love my kids but they have no sense of organization or discipline and they struggle so much with finances that I just can’t add this kind of thing to their life. It would be a lose/lose situation for everyone.

And that’s it. Those were my choices. I thankfully have sole custody of my kids, and they are OBVIOUSLY not going back to E. But I have no friends that are close enough to even consider for the possibility. And you can’t prepare a will without having that plan ready to go to put into the will. Like what am I going to do? Write a will but say ‘ oh I’m not a responsible enough person to have decided who my kids are going to live with so just either let my family decide or make them wards of the state’? Cause that’s basically what I’d be doing so what’s the point.

You can’t name someone Guardian in your will, without discussing it with them first. Like at least make sure they’d be willing and able to do it. I have no one to have that discussion with. I live my life independently from everyone, which as a result has ironically enough left me independent from everyone. So now, I have these two precious children to care for, and I do care for them. So much that right now in my opinion, no one else is good enough to care for them if/when I die. So I have to just not die until they’re old enough to care for themselves. Oh but C you say, what about accidents? What if you get run over by a car tomorrow?

DUH!!!!! So now you see my motherfucking problem. I have to make a will! I have to pay off my debts. I have to plan for them. Z still has 12 more years to go until she’s 18. 12 more years. I’ve only been a parent for 8.5 but I’ve made it this far. First I had to get through the divorce. Now, it’s time for me to actually start looking ahead. Planning for the future. Something I haven’t ever really done before. Everything was just get me through this day, this week, this marriage, this divorce. And now? Well now I need to be able to say get not only me through this life, but my kids through theirs.

So I’ve got to start planning ahead. But how do I plan another parent for my children? Seems like trying to get the past and the future to merge as one. I already picked a dad when I made them, and that didn’t work out well as we all know. As you can see I’m quite hesitant to try again. I don’t want to utterly fail my kids in the parenting department twice… or more.

So needless to say I won’t be writing a will anytime soon.

As dumb as it seems, it seems more logical than wasting time and money on preparing a will when I don’t know what it should say.

-Switchfoot/Dare You To Move-

Shadows From My Past Life Is Real / So Real Sleeping Is My Leisure Waking Up In A Minefield Dream Is just A Pleasure Dome

I haven’t been writing.

How do I go from my last post to…. Little E joined soccer, or something else that seems so trivial now? Life is simultaneously seeming more pointless as the days go one, as well as revealing a wealth of information if I’m paying attention, which sometimes I refuse to, since the knowledge it reveals only makes living more confusing and…. pointless. Thus the infinite loop I seem to be stuck in.

I see how everything I do or have done in the past is influencing each moment in my present. I don’t mean something like “oh I spent my last twenty yesterday so now I’m broke”

I mean that each and every word I’ve said, or movement I’ve made or comment said to me is now literally fitting together in a puzzle that was my life. I can tangible see the moments of my past come together when the moment is suitable and I recognize why each thing in my past took place to mold me the way I am today… good or bad. Every breath reverberates out and the air flows to create things that take place I see now, but they take place tomorrow. Or I recognize small memories coming together to physically form situations large situations happen now. I can’t explain it well, but it’s like it happens in waves.

Even in my “sleep” a team I use loosely since I don’t feel like I’m even sleeping anymore. My dreams are constant all night. Vivid recollections of mine and K’s past melding together. Reconciling. And I find I jolt awake through the night when either harm comes to me in my “dream/sleep” or we come to a disagreement on how our life should proceed in that level of consciousness together. And I feel the same amount of rest that I used to get before this journey started, what like 2 years ago now? But now I’m more aware of the life my soul is living in my unconsciousness while I “sleep”.

Maybe I’ve been living that life with K since my soul journeyed into this world. Maybe this world here is just a fun thing for our souls to do in our spare time in the unconsciousness over there? Maybe that’s why we have this connection that we never knew possible or planned on or whatever. But maybe this perception is just a break from another larger perception?

Anyways, while I sleep, everything in my life as C has been reconciling. Fixing hurts and healing pains that have occurred since me as C was born. And it has been hard and I’ve been crying a lot as suppressed memories and fears have arisen as I jolt awake. But it’s also been very healing. Knowing more about why I am the way I am. How I got to be this way etc.

The main thing I have scaring me now, for a lack of better word, is the fact that my memories and dreams are now pretty much done, and now my dreams are so close to mimicking current life. Like last night it was just last summer and living in my parents house before the move out here, and how I felt being around my mom and why that caused me to feel and K visiting for Christmas and his pain with that etc. But my fear is, what happened when I’ve worked through everything? What happens when my unconscious/subconscious catches up to my life/consciousness? What happens when there’s no more division between sleep and awake. Do I just live a day, then sleep the whole day on repeat??? If that even makes sense? I guess saying it like that isn’t really a big deal, but it does bring up thoughts of death. I always thought when you die, it’d be as serene as sleep used to be for me. Just a vast nothingness… Like the best forever nap. But now that my sleep is not even sleep…. Is death even death?

I mean at this point, is life even life?

Everything has changed for me.

And I’m not sure what to believe or perceive anymore. All I know is that so far, I’m proud of my asleep C self. I can tell she’d making decisions my awake conscious self would be proud of. Choosing love, truth, and hope in all the situations she can. Although last night she road a motorcycle like a badass for fun (no harm in that) and ended up getting shot in the leg by someone… which is why I definitely know these memories/situations are not all mine lol. Anyways that made me wake up with pain shooting down my leg, that’s how life-like this has become.

So like I said… If there’s no “sleep” what is even real anymore?

But yeah… Little E loves soccer 🙂

-Queen/Life Is Real-

Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and relaxing before going to sleep and calming my breathing and thought patterns as has become my habit lately. Also something that has become part of my life is thinking of K too much. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I pushed thought of him as far I could. Sometimes thoughts of him would come, but it’s wasn’t so much thoughts of him so much as thoughts from him. And sometimes I figured what’s the harm of enjoying what little of him I had in my life? And I would allow the thoughts from him to hold me while I slept at night or tell me he loved me… things like that. But a few weeks ago, as I was relaxing, and getting rid of my thoughts from the day and releasing unwanted emotions and energy etc, all of a sudden I was just a thought. I wasn’t even in my room or on my bed. Me, in my whole entirety as C, was represented as only a thought. I had no weight of the world holding me down. No previous emotions or situations keeping me here. I was just so in that moment that I was singularly that thought of Me. And I was with the singular thought that represents K. And we talked.

And then to reform my world was a slow scary step by step process. What should I do first? How should I move to ‘rebecome’ C? The room and remembrance of where I was on my bed in Kelowna took place first. And then from there the whole world as it was just sort of fell into place in my memory as I reached slowly for a drink or water. The whole time thinking is this the right move to make? Or should I be recreating this scene differently? Am I fucking up all of my future? Or is this predestined already? Anyways. I laid back on my bed and went to sleep almost immediately, and dreamt of K which at this point is normal.

What was not normal? K called me the next day. After all this time.

Up until now, I could basically play it off like this was all in my head and I’m just a girl who was way to in love with a guy. But when he called the next day and said he was thinking of me the night before… a lot. And that he’d been thinking of me a lot all the time? It was both a relief and a stress.

Now this is real real. Like now I can’t just play it off like this is only in my head. Now he’s obviously connected to me too. I explained what happened to me (kinda, I mean how do you explain this) expecting him to have experienced the same, but was disappointed when he said no, he just heard my name said over and over so loud and clear in his head. I asked him who’s voice it sounded like and he said his own. So either he’s downplayed what happened to him, or he’s not experiencing things as deeply as I am, in which case lucky him because this shit is scary. When the whole universe dissolves enough to bring your being close enough to someone else’s so they hear your name, but then the reality is recreated like no biggie? How else do you describe it other than terrifying?

And how do I move on from here? It’s not like there’s a textbook full of studies on the subject. When you’ve discovered something this mind blowing and new, it’s…. well mind blowing and new. So I’m at a loss.

A loss so big it’s leaving me feeling very alone and helpless. Because I literally feel like there is no one to turn to for support, as this is not something that’s been dealt with before and the person I’m supposedly going through it with, is not even as deep as I am.

I’m Going Deep, In Over My Head I Want To Be Caught In The Rush, Lost In The Flow, In Over My Head I Want To Go

So I got an unexpected call today.

I was at work at the swimming pool called me. Little E was on a field trip (and will be on the same one for the next three Wednesday’s) for swimming lessons. They spend 30 minutes for lessons and then have 30 minutes for free time. Well, they called to inform me that Little E had just been pulled from the pool by the lifeguard.

The guard had seen him struggling under water in the deep end and had to jump in a save him.

Now I honest to goodness before today felt pretty confident in Little E’s swimming abilities. We were out in the lake practically everyday last summer and I feel fine letting him go out chest deep on his own. I mean I’m there on the beach and I’m a great swimmer (I’m embarrassed to say I was in synchronized swimming when I was younger) so if anything happened I’m there. I’ve seen him swim his laps in the pool to be able to swim in the deep end and feel comfortable leaving him there while I relax in the hot tub with Z.

So to hear that something happened enough that the lifeguard literally had to dive in to save him? Disconcerting for lack of better word. The caller informed me he was doing fine now and was back in the water with a life jacket on now, but that it was just protocol to call the parents when that type of situation occurred. Uh duh. I should hope so!

She also told me that I should monitor his behaviour for the next three days for any flu like symptoms or sluggish behaviour that might indicate secondary drowning (or something like that, I was just trying to absorb everything she was saying). Either way, if I see anything different about him in the next few days, I have to take him immediately to the emergency as it might indicate that he inhaled water and is slowly drowning.

Grrrrreat.

Here I’m glad at the moment he’s ok. But there’s so many thoughts going through my head. In no random order, I hope he wasn’t to embarrassed. Little E is my sensitive and very easily embarrassed child and I can just imagine how being pulled from the water in front of his entire classroom and then being made to wear a life jacket after has affected him.

Next. How did it happen? I know he’s a good swimmer. So was he just fooling around with his friends and get pushed under? Or did he actually just wear out and start struggling on his own? Not that it matters in the end as I wouldn’t cast blame, but I like to know these things.

Also, should I be monitoring him 24/7? Like should I stay awake through the night? Or set hourly alarms to check in on him? Or is that paranoia speaking?

Next. Why the fuck do these things keep happening to my family.

Dear universe. That’s more than enough thank you very much.

But last, it made me realize that I could have lost my son today and there’s so many things I’ve failed to teach him still. There’s so many ways I’ve fucked up so far and it just made me think of all the things I had to fix before I die let alone him. I wasn’t ready. For the first time in my mind, I wasn’t ready for death. I’ve been prepared for my own death for whatever long now. I couldn’t care less, and had zero fear facing that. But to be faced with the death of my child before me? Thats the only thing that has terrified me in recent times this deeply. He’s not yet had a chance to experience anything deeply enough to die. I felt like if he died I would have failed in protecting him. That I didn’t ensure his success. There are too many ways to describe it, but basically I felt like I needed more time with him to set him up for a chance to discover his will to live and choose and die on his own.

And now is not that time.

-Dive/Steven Curtis Chapman-