My Shadow’s The Only One That Walks Beside Me

I went to Wal-Mart last week and found this  for Z’s room (see previous post for reference)

IMG_1291 (Edited)

Yes, I know the hair is covered which kinda defeats the purpose, but my options were limited and it was better than nothing. Next I went to the dollar store intent on buying gold paint to redo her dresser handles and match the painting (which is massive) and ended up calling my mom for advice. This was where I made my mistake. All I needed was advice on if the kind of paint they had there would stick to the metal handles or if I needed to go elsewhere, since I’m not a crafty person I wanted to get it right. That’s it. But nope, as my 31 years should have taught me long ago it’s not that simple with my mom.

I guess I just still feel like no matter who you are/what you’ve done, you should always be able to have a relationship with YOUR OWN MOTHER! At least that’s what I’m trying to teach my children. So anyways, I guess deep down in me, I keep trying. Trying no matter how many times I’ve been hurt by this woman, to keep reaching out. Opening up, and just end up getting slapped in the face.

So I’m in the dollar store and I call her for paint advice. She really doesn’t know but just tells me to get what they have and that it should work and to by some of the cheap brushes they have there too. I have some at home but I just let her say her thing and give her motherly advice even though I say twice I already have brushes. I briefly explain why I’m doing this for Z, and it doesn’t really faze my mom, which bothers my on it’s own, but I know by know not to expect much from her in that area. She’s kind of a you made you bed now sleep in it woman. I go on to give other small updates regarding my life. How I registered Little E for soccer, she asks why didn’t I sign Z up for dance, I explain it doesn’t start until the fall. I talked about how I was looking for a second job, both to keep busy as well as meet new people and bring in extra income. She poo-pooed the place I was interviewing at. I explained how I had just come from the Dr’s that morning and filled my seizure med’s and had also asked for a prescription for anti-depression medications, because I just didn’t think I could make it until spring anymore, and basically rounded out the call with “and that’s what’s new” to which she responded with “Actually C none of that is really new. It’s all very round about and the same old stuff for you”

So I was just like, ok bye. And all I could think about is how my family always complains that I never share things with them. Can they not see that when I do share, I get responses like this? So I sent her the following text. IMG_1286

IMG_1287

And so I find myself here.

On my blog.

At the request of my oh so loving mom. With literally nowhere else to turn. I’ve made no friends here in 8 months. K and I no longer talk and I long for those meaningful conversations with someone who at least pretends to care.

I have nothing. And it’s more difficult than it should be for anyone pretending to live at a level where they have to maintain sanity for the sake of their kids, but when does even that seem stupid and pointless?

And for those wondering, I haven’t spoken to my wonderful mother since, nor do I have any plans to in the foreseeable future. 🤷🏻‍♀️


-Green Day / Boulevard Of Broken Dreams-

9 thoughts on “My Shadow’s The Only One That Walks Beside Me

  1. I am really sorry you feel so alone. It’s a terrible weary feeling. As far as family is concerned you are certainly not alone in trying endlessly to forge relationships with “family” only to feel burned and more empty. I hope you find your tribe soon! Until then ur cyber tribe has ur back! For what it’s worth.

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  2. I think your mom does care a lot about you even if it doesn’t come across as such. I write blogs because there are people reading them and even when no one does, it just feels good to get things of my chest. Keep on writing! Someone reading.

    I can’t give you advices on painting and such; it does look good! I wish I have one for my room too.

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  3. I wish I had a mother. I was adopted by people who regretted taking me in. I found my birth mother but I didn’t want her because she was a lifelong mental patient and that didn’t suit my view of finding someone who was all about me. I was so stupid. My only defense is that I really was stupid and just didn’t know any better. She died in 2000. Too late for so many things. I’m not going to tell you to appreciate your mom because I’m not one of those orphans who thinks simply having a mother solves everything. I can’t be sure what my point is. Maybe…I can relate?

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    • I think everyone’s hopes and dreams are that a mom will be all about them. Obviously mine included, adopted or not. What we need to realize though is women are humans struggling in this world and we as children have to make decisions about who we allow in our lives. If people are bringing toxic feelings and emotions to us no matter what their status ‘mother’ or not, we shouldn’t allow them so much influence. That’s pretty much what I’ve taken from this situation. Well, that, and the fact that I can learn how her behaviours hurt me and hopefully not repeat them towards my children.

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  4. I am sorry about your mom. I too feel like my mom did not like me and she adored my sister. It is hard to have a parent that does not give you what you need, and it is hard to stop expecting her to do so. I think every child always holds out hope that their parent will love them unconditionally, whatever that means. I had to stop expecting anything more from my mother, but it was hard due to the role of “mother” that was assigned to her. Sometimes family just sucks. Why does you mom want to be your friend? She is your mom. Anyway, just my two sense.

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  5. When my Mother was taken of the Ventilator so she could Die, I stayed in her Room all Night on Death watch. Growing up she had always let it be known that she didn’t want to die alone. I never figured out the Psychological meaning, but I complied. There was no quality of Life remaining so with the Power of Attorney I agreed to remove her from the Ventilator. My Brother blamed me for her Death. Many years ago a young woman was declared Brain Dead, her family kept her alive on the Ventilator for almost two years. I suppose that is what my Brother expected me to do for Mom. He is my older Brother, yet Mom gave me the Power of Attorney, that’s why. We have not spoken since the Funeral. His Wife and Kids sides with him. Mom did not want to Die alone, I on the other hand chose to Die alone and Buried alone. In Liife if I walk alone, then let me Die alone. I have been trying to figure out people for sixty Years with no success and have stopped wasting my time trying to do the impossible. Don’t forget that Judas was one of the inner circle. I have been a do it yourself person all my Life. I even learned how to be my own Best Friend. To you I extend my Hand.

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