I’ve come to the conclusion in my life for now, that every time I’ve attempted to produce love, in any kind, it ends in a more broken version of myself.
Maybe, and most likely this is because the men I’ve been showing my version of love to have not been in a receptive state in their lives to be able to receive my emotion and energy, transform it into anything of value on their end and return it to me. Therefore all I’ve been continually doing is outpouring on an ongoing basis, but not getting anything in back.
This self-destructive behavior has left me depleted and more empty than ever. I’ve come to the point were not only do I feel I have very little left to give, but my quality of love is somehow not enough, because in the past it was either maybe rejected, not returned, ignored, stomped upon, laughed at, passed by, or outright told was not good enough in one way or another. So after all my attempts, some being my best work given to the wrong people, some being a half asse attempt thrown out just to see what would happen, I’ve come to a place where I’m so broken that there isn’t enough strength left to put together a decent first move to try any form any relationship of any kind.
So at this point, I’m no longer prepared to put that energy out to anyone anymore because it only produces heartbreak and sorrow. It leads me to wonder can an individual heal themselves after pain that has surmounted in this way after so many years? Or must it come from another. If all my emotion and energy and love was given out to an other person, (not all, but this one chunk) and I was left with hopes of that emotion being given back, yet that hope went unreturned, can I ever be fulfilled from within?
For example I’m a bucket that starts with my hopes and desires and dreams and love at 100% full inside it ok? And I go and give 5% here in love to one person and 5% there to another and a 20% investment to another person, but only receive half back from those people at best, I’ve given 30% and received back 15% leaving me at 85% capacity for love and hope etc. How now, if I have given my best for years and years and only received a lackluster return on my investment and I’m standing at like 30%, how am I supposed to go into any relationship with a positive attitude or an open mind thinking it would ever survive?
For starters, I cannot create love and hopes and dreams from nothing in my mostly empty bucket. I also cannot be the first to initiate anything knowing I’m not in a giving state. I’m broken. Very broken. As I think most of our society is. So that leads me to question, where has all the love and peace and hope actually gone, if we are all walking around with empty buckets?
Can we just think it back into existence? Do we just choose to believe and that somehow sucks it back into our lives? Or are we then somehow unconsciously stealing from someone else’s bucket when they are not standing guard? Did we lose our chance when we didn’t plan it out from the start and thought we’d have an unlimited supply of joy? Because I can tell you right now, it’s like after you reach the 50% mark with no one pouring into you, it’s like someone pokes a hole in the bottom of your bucket and it seems there’s no coming back from that.
Right now, I’m just doing the very best I can to maintain status quo and not reach 0%. But it would be more than I can even put into words if someone would just choose to pour into me. Maybe they found the unlimited tap on love, maybe they have someone pouring into them, maybe they just have the link to hope, but for me, I’m keeping my love on lock for now. I can’t risk loosing anymore.
-Where Is The Love /Black Eyed Peas-