Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t right often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try and keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.

-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

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16 thoughts on “Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

  1. You’re on a roll: you moved, you divorced. Change careers now. It won’t get any easier by waiting longer.
    I actually stopped by to say thank you for reading and liking my post “Play Me.” The bonus is, I discovered I like your writing and topics 🙂

  2. So sad. New year…. new adventures, new you! Try and focus on the positive. It may not seem likes there’s much to be positive about these days, but the more you look, the more you will see and learn to embrace all that is good. Its like one of those tumbleweeds in the dessert…. slowly it starts to turn, next thing ya know, you’re rolling in good fortune and life’s joys.

  3. I always enjoy reading what you post! Sounds like life is just kinda “eh” right now, or at least, I think that’s how the kids describe it these days. As an optimist, I’m hoping that you find something to get excited about this year. Take good care.

  4. Some of the most beautiful moments in life happen when one is “goal free” and just letting the Universe do its work. I hope you walk more and do stretches, first thing in the morning, plus cut out snacks after dinner- but those are all your choice to make. Besides that, you are sure to remain a great mother-the most important role you have, apart from being you.

    • Ahhh yes. The advice based on your useless knowledge of not knowing my routine in the first place. Thanks for that. I’ll cut out eating no snacks after dinner (I’m glad it must work for you though) and get in more than my 15k steps a day because a stranger on the internet suggested it 🙌🏼. Like I said, I’m not worried about my weight now so I’m your advise is unnecessary. Thanks u, next.

  5. Divorce is a mixed bag of moving forward while still experiencing a loss, even if the main loss is wrapped up in our ideals. Makes it hard to feel good in some ways, even if the new life is in a much more positive direction. Add to that a new home, city and routine and there is more loss with new gains. The extra weight may be a protective mechanism, at least that’s what I find happens to me when I feel greater levels of vulnerability.
    May you discover new degrees of freedom in your journey. I look forward to reading about what you find on your way.

    • Thanks. Sometimes I just feel like my body settles where it’s comfortable and I’m ok with that for now. When I’m ready to do some more changes for my personal self and growth in that area, I’ll focus on myself and what needs to change to make my body more confident and comfortable weighting less. Bit for now, I’m good.

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