We’re All Broken Pieces Floating By / These Aren’t My People These Aren’t My Friends

I had a packed house last night.

I invited my co-workers over for drinks/games night, and J brought her two kids. I also decided to invite another couple I met through Little E and his classmates and they brought their two kids as well.

So with 7 adults and 6 kids running around my small place it was… loud. Especially after the drinks started flowing. But I think nights like these is what everyone needs, just a chance to get out and let loose. Meet new people and drink and still have somewhere to bring your kids while not feeling like your the only one doing so. It was good all around.

Everyone stayed until wellllll past our bedtimes and so it helped that we turned the clocks back an hour last, although not like I got any extra sleep…..

You know what. I’ve decided this is probably the start to the most lame post I’ve ever written. Here I was chilling at home on a Saturday, baking a cake for company… literally excited for “games night” then spending Sunday hung-over playing board games with my kids… Thinking it’s “post worthy”

Like honestly what has my life become. That this is what I look forward to. This is all I have to be happy and excited about. Providing entertainment for others so we don’t all fall into some sort of depression.

To be completely honest, I’m done with life. I would be 100% fine with not living anymore. So instead of getting all hot and heavy and talking about real shit with you guys because I think no one would understand, I write lame posts about games night… like anyone gives two shits about that. Not even I care, that’s how boring it is. Sure parts were fun in the moment…. but when you really get down to it, why are you living life? Like what is your passion? Do you have a passion or “destiny’?

Like for me, the only thing keeping me around anymore is the fact that I brought two lives into this world so I should do the decent thing and raise them until they are capable of taking care of themselves. Other than that, I’ve been doing some “soul searching” as one might say, and I can’t find anything that drives me anymore. Maybe in a past life I fulfilled my final desires, so now here I am, finishing up ‘life’. Doing one final lap. Tying up loose ends if you will. Because I have nothing left in me. After this run, I’m done. And the thought of death, doesn’t turn me off of that. Sure the pain associated with dying is a discouraging thought, but after that, being dead itself? I think I’m ready for. In fact a small part of me even longs for it. To just be done. Over. All of it over. The pain, the search for joy and love, the let downs, the guilt, the why me/why not me? Just everything. No more creating or struggling. No ups or downs. Nothing.

Just nothing.

I’m ready to find my rest and totality in nothing.

But until it comes naturally, I’ll probably have to suffer through a few more games nights.


8 thoughts on “We’re All Broken Pieces Floating By / These Aren’t My People These Aren’t My Friends

  1. It’s an honest post, in the end. The fact that you invited people over shows you’re not completely done with life, and raising children is the most important job in the world. I believe God created each of us with gifts and purpose and he has this amazing plan for us. Sometimes, amid the messiness of life, it’s hard to see it or even find it. I met four people today who each felt lost and have asked God to show them what his plan for them is. They are each in a different stage of discovery – there’s still some pain to be healed and growth to come, but it was such a privilege to hear their stories and to be allowed a small part of that growth. I believe the same is true for you and I’m praying right now for you. Besides, I like board games 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ouch! My heart ached reading that rawness, that exhaustion.
    I have been there. Where you just are so frustrated and fed up of you and everyone and everything. And wtf life?! Why do I keep getting it up the ass?! Followed immediately by a good self berating for not feeling so grateful and content at my perfectly nice life. I wish I had some wise fairy godmother type comment to magic wand it all away. But I don’t. I can tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. I also can tell you the thing I long for the most- my drive, my passion beyond illuminating my creativity is being carefree and joyful, even if it’s just a moment. I’ll take it. Game night sounds nice. And I don’t know what ur experience with death and grief is but I can tell you- living proof- tell you. It’s the worst unrelenting pain you feel, you wear ALL THE TIME. So maybe want to rethink and come up with a creative solution present moment. Death really isn’t one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. oh man! Game night is a wonderful reason for living. I’m in the same boat as you…and finding simple things to be happy about in the moment is a pretty good thing! This was not a lame post. Cherish these ‘dum’ nights and days my friend. Sending you much love in blog land!!!


  4. damn. I’m feelin’ just about the same as you are today. I just keep on going for no other reason than to just keep on going, though. I guess i like pain.


  5. I think living is in the discovery of why we’re here. I think we all go through those times of why am I here and what’s the use. Sometimes it’s just depression, and other times, it’s a shift in our lives that change is needed or is coming. We adults have to find the wonder we once had as children where the excitement was in the discovery.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And if you’ve found your reason and even fulfilled all that you can towards that purpose… then you are left in my position. Ready for the moment of death, and to be done. So your soul can finally rest.


  6. I’ve been there once and then I face patients with cancer wishing to live just 24 more hours. That kind of changed my perspective. I live because life is crap yes but life is full of love and beauty as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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