I had a packed house last night.
I invited my co-workers over for drinks/games night, and J brought her two kids. I also decided to invite another couple I met through Little E and his classmates and they brought their two kids as well.
So with 7 adults and 6 kids running around my small place it was… loud. Especially after the drinks started flowing. But I think nights like these is what everyone needs, just a chance to get out and let loose. Meet new people and drink and still have somewhere to bring your kids while not feeling like your the only one doing so. It was good all around.
Everyone stayed until wellllll past our bedtimes and so it helped that we turned the clocks back an hour last, although not like I got any extra sleep…..
You know what. I’ve decided this is probably the start to the most lame post I’ve ever written. Here I was chilling at home on a Saturday, baking a cake for company… literally excited for “games night” then spending Sunday hung-over playing board games with my kids… Thinking it’s “post worthy”
Like honestly what has my life become. That this is what I look forward to. This is all I have to be happy and excited about. Providing entertainment for others so we don’t all fall into some sort of depression.
To be completely honest, I’m done with life. I would be 100% fine with not living anymore. So instead of getting all hot and heavy and talking about real shit with you guys because I think no one would understand, I write lame posts about games night… like anyone gives two shits about that. Not even I care, that’s how boring it is. Sure parts were fun in the moment…. but when you really get down to it, why are you living life? Like what is your passion? Do you have a passion or “destiny’?
Like for me, the only thing keeping me around anymore is the fact that I brought two lives into this world so I should do the decent thing and raise them until they are capable of taking care of themselves. Other than that, I’ve been doing some “soul searching” as one might say, and I can’t find anything that drives me anymore. Maybe in a past life I fulfilled my final desires, so now here I am, finishing up ‘life’. Doing one final lap. Tying up loose ends if you will. Because I have nothing left in me. After this run, I’m done. And the thought of death, doesn’t turn me off of that. Sure the pain associated with dying is a discouraging thought, but after that, being dead itself? I think I’m ready for. In fact a small part of me even longs for it. To just be done. Over. All of it over. The pain, the search for joy and love, the let downs, the guilt, the why me/why not me? Just everything. No more creating or struggling. No ups or downs. Nothing.
I’m ready to find my rest and totality in nothing.
But until it comes naturally, I’ll probably have to suffer through a few more games nights.