You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

I’ve gained a bunch of weight again.

Last fall/winter I did so well (for me) and lost 49 lbs/3.5 st/22.5 kg take your pick and reached an impressive 206lbs  (impressive for me).  For those of you keeping track I was 5 foot 10 and 255lbs at my heaviest. Yes I know that’s considered obese or even morbidly obese (I hate that label). Anyways, I got to 206lbs and was so excited about being under 200lbs because I honestly don’t think I’ve been less than that since before I met E apart from maybe once or twice in Kenya when I was very ill, but once I got over the disease, the weight just piled back on.

So, come Feb/Mar of this year just at reaching 206, my life fell off the weight loss track. Things with K went downhill, and I sold my house and moved back in with my parental units and then out here to Kelowna, where I’ve just been stressing non-stop. E lost his job so my finances are under pressure. I’ve been struggling to make meaningful friends to share my struggles with, and I’m lonely. And with that I find I’m eating to much.

It’s not like it’s come by surprise. I’m on the scale almost everyday, and everyday I see that number creeping up, and everyday I ‘resolve’ to do something about it, and everyday that ‘resolve’ lasts about 20 minutes until I’m just like fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Reason being? I enjoy food and right now it feels like it’s the only small bit of comfort I have. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s warm, filling, delicious, satisfying and so many things I can’t even put into words and right now nothing else in my life brings me anything close to that same feeling. It’s pathetic and difficult to explain to anyone who doesn’t have a massive void to fill like I do, or anyone with self control in this area. But I have self control in most areas of my life. I don’t have anger issues. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m not swayed by money or fame etc. All I want is to feel satisfied. And since I can’t force another human being to love me (trust me, I know exactly what my void is from), I think out of all the options in the world to fill my emptiness, things could be worse.

Anyways. Even with me going to the gym again, my weight has still risen to 220 lbs as of the past few weeks.

No, I’m not proud of it nor am I trying to make excuses for it. Yes, when I was less weight I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror more as well as felt more confident. But right now, I just can’t fight all these battles in my life and win the weight one too. So it’s just not worth it right now.

Like they say, pick your battles, and I have more important shit going on to be constantly getting down on myself for my extremely FUPA. All in due time.

Hahahahaha I write that like I think I’m ever gonna be some trim and fit sports illustrated model. We all know I’m not. But it would be nice to look in the mirror one day and not be able to flap around my belly fat.

Maybe I’ll just win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.

I guess I would have to start buying lotto tickets for that eh?


-Shakira/Hips Don’t Lie-

8 thoughts on “You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

  1. Ok, love. You already know that you turn to food for comfort. And that weight gain contributes to stress. You can choose to deduct one item from your daily menu, like for instance-if you have a frozen yogurt at night, cut that out. In a year, after doing just that-you will be at least ten pounds lighter, probably more. Learn to love the body God gave you, as we were meant to be voluptuous and strong, not bone thin and weak. Take it from a recovering anorexic and bulimic, who once weighed 73 pounds (I am 5’1 and wear a size 7/8, my weight now is 138, to give you an idea.) The illness and vitamin deficiency; which led to tooth loss, osteoporosis and brittle hair. I am now 57, and still have eating issues-but with prayer and determination, I know I will one day eat as a normal, healthy broad. Cheers. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • The thing is, I eat decently healthy all things considered. I homemake most of our meals with a variety of veggies, one starch and a lean protein (normally chicken breast or salmon are our go to’s). I don’t really eat after dinner, I drink massive amounts of water a day since it’s my favourite. I don’t drink sodas or juice ever, or alcohol often, in fact we don’t even have them in the house. I homemake my kids school snacks like cookies or muffins etc, but don’t eat them myself since I’m not big on sweets. It’s just with everything going on in my life right now, I can’t also be monitoring how much I eat.

      It’s not like when I’m feeling sad I’ll eat. It’s more like I just don’t have it in me now to deal with portion control and deal with counting calories. That’s probably my problem. I only eat maybe three meals a day. But I definitely eat too much at those times. And my body wants to hold on to all that weight as tightly as it can for security purposes.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand the feelings of loneliness and stress and food. They’re all related. Unfortunately. I struggle with the same things. That being said, making friends is hard as an adult. Which, despite all my quirkiness, I welcome everyone into my life without judgment. I’m simply a phone call away. I don’t even care if it’s 2 am or you live in another country. I am your friend. Hugs!

    Like

  3. There is no shame in being who you are. Society tries to set a bar for everyone, to fit a certain mould. Yet, where is that society, when it comes to providing meaningful work for a person who has trouble making ends meet? You could try to make small, gradual efforts at portion control, and gradually increase the amount of walking you do each day, thereby systematically building the strength that is needed for long-term weight loss. In any event, I wish you all the best in meeting your challenges.

    Liked by 1 person

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