You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

I’ve gained a bunch of weight again.

Last fall/winter I did so well (for me) and lost 49 lbs/3.5 st/22.5 kg take your pick and reached an impressive 206lbs  (impressive for me).  For those of you keeping track I was 5 foot 10 and 255lbs at my heaviest. Yes I know that’s considered obese or even morbidly obese (I hate that label). Anyways, I got to 206lbs and was so excited about being under 200lbs because I honestly don’t think I’ve been less than that since before I met E apart from maybe once or twice in Kenya when I was very ill, but once I got over the disease, the weight just piled back on.

So, come Feb/Mar of this year just at reaching 206, my life fell off the weight loss track. Things with K went downhill, and I sold my house and moved back in with my parental units and then out here to Kelowna, where I’ve just been stressing non-stop. E lost his job so my finances are under pressure. I’ve been struggling to make meaningful friends to share my struggles with, and I’m lonely. And with that I find I’m eating to much.

It’s not like it’s come by surprise. I’m on the scale almost everyday, and everyday I see that number creeping up, and everyday I ‘resolve’ to do something about it, and everyday that ‘resolve’ lasts about 20 minutes until I’m just like fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Reason being? I enjoy food and right now it feels like it’s the only small bit of comfort I have. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s warm, filling, delicious, satisfying and so many things I can’t even put into words and right now nothing else in my life brings me anything close to that same feeling. It’s pathetic and difficult to explain to anyone who doesn’t have a massive void to fill like I do, or anyone with self control in this area. But I have self control in most areas of my life. I don’t have anger issues. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m not swayed by money or fame etc. All I want is to feel satisfied. And since I can’t force another human being to love me (trust me, I know exactly what my void is from), I think out of all the options in the world to fill my emptiness, things could be worse.

Anyways. Even with me going to the gym again, my weight has still risen to 220 lbs as of the past few weeks.

No, I’m not proud of it nor am I trying to make excuses for it. Yes, when I was less weight I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror more as well as felt more confident. But right now, I just can’t fight all these battles in my life and win the weight one too. So it’s just not worth it right now.

Like they say, pick your battles, and I have more important shit going on to be constantly getting down on myself for my extremely FUPA. All in due time.

Hahahahaha I write that like I think I’m ever gonna be some trim and fit sports illustrated model. We all know I’m not. But it would be nice to look in the mirror one day and not be able to flap around my belly fat.

Maybe I’ll just win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.

I guess I would have to start buying lotto tickets for that eh?


-Shakira/Hips Don’t Lie-

Lately, I’ve Been, I’ve Been Thinking I Want You To Be Happier

Yesterday I got my head outta the clouds and took my kids out. We went to Toys’R’Us and after browsing around for a good hour, they each got to pick out a toy. I figured this was the best way to treat myself for my birthday and get over the birthday blues, would be to buy them something, which in turn would give me a hypothetical few hours to myself during the day.

Little E chose a new LEGO set and Z picked out a toy phone with a pair of keys to put in her purse, which she had brought with us. Then in the parking lot we saw the local hockey team was doing a fundraiser so Little E got to play some street hockey for a bit and Z got her facepainted, and they both ended the adventure with some cake. Fitting since I didn’t get myself any cake the day before.

Anyways the kids had fun with their toys yesterday. Little E was even up early this morning so he could finish off his LEGO set. Something I told him to please not do again, because he woke up everyone in the house early and he has all the time in the world after school instead. So now I’m anticipating a grumpy boy to deal with when I pick them up from day care today.

Other than that, nothing new.

Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes.

Here’s to starting out my thirty second year of life.

Hoping it’s better than all my others.


-Marshmello and Bastille/Happier-

We Gon’ Party Like It’s Your Birthday And You Know We Don’t Give A Fuck It’s Not Your Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday.

I feel like that’s all that needs to be said. Since my day was as lame as that sentence.

I “celebrated” 31 years of life by just making it through the day.

No cake.

No gifts.

No flowers.

No nothing.

No one even told me Happy Birthday to my face until I lost my temper with little E over something petty at night and raised my voice (which I hardly do), and so I had to apologize to him. I explained that even though it wasn’t an excuse, I was feeling frustrated that it was my birthday and I had had a bad day, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on him. So that made him cry and then it made me cry and that made me feel even more shitty. All because I was feeling sorry for myself.

So I called him over and gave him a hug and he explained that he felt bad for not saying Happy Birthday and I told him I wasn’t mad at him at all, I was just pouting. So we hugged and that was my one “Happy Birthday” all day.

It’s stupid and pathetic, and normally I don’t make a big deal about my birthday anyways, but this year I thought it might be different.

It wasn’t.

And the reality of that hurt more than anything I could imagine.


-50 Cent/In Da Club-

I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

So Please Help Them With Your Youth, They Seek The Truth Before They Can Die.

So it’s here.

That’s time of the day when the kids have gone to sleep and the lunches are packed and the house is clean because I spent all day vacuuming (I even did between/under the couch cushions) and mopping and scrubbing. All three loads of laundry are clean and folded and even put away. The dishes are washed and drying. We even went for groceries that are now all put away nicely. The kids are sleeping on freshly washed bedding with freshly washed bodies and freshly brushed teeth.

And then it hits me. In the silence as I stand in my bedroom. The thing I’ve been avoiding for forever.

There’s nothing left to do.

There’s nothing left to try and preoccupy my mind and keep it busy to pretend like I’m not constantly thinking about what I’m unfortunately thinking about.

The emptiness is literally all around and I’m engulfed in silence.

I never thought my life would get to this point. To this completely and utterly alone point. Where there’s nothing left to distract me. There’s no way to even pretend I’m in the most lonely place in the world.

I’m in my mind. Alone.

And I hate it.

It happens every night even I get undressed and ready for bed alone. When the house is in total silence except for the few familiar sounds I make. But that’s it. There’s no music blaring in fear of waking the kids. I don’t sit in the living room and watch tv because that seems like a couples thing. I put the kids to bed, clean up, and then I go to my room. I own this whole house, but I find myself stretched out on my bed, even now, writing this post from my phone. Sure the office is a few rooms away with a fully functional computer and a nice chair etc, but it feels uncomfortable. Not in the soft squishy sense. But uncomfortable in the fact that it’s not what I’m used to.

I’m a creature of habit. And my habit is to be safe, and warm. Not venture out in the dark alone. So when my kids are asleep… I’m here. On my bed. Endlessly scrolling instagram hopefully for its stupid entertainment. Listening to music, needing it to fill my void. Watching pointless things on Netflix.

But its in that moment before I get ‘settled’ on the bed, that the hopelessness finds me. Each night getting worse. The feeling or ‘why even bother’ ‘how pathetic can I get’ ‘look at how sad your life is’ ‘your not going anywhere C’ ‘this is your story’ ‘no ones going to even remember who you were… and rightfully so’ …. that I just hate myself.

I wish a million times over that I could’ve done so many thing differently to have never ended up where I am. I think of what could’ve been had I not have done this or that. Or instead pursued this opportunity or that option when it was offered. But instead… I stayed in my confining comfort zone. And I’m left with this.

This ‘life’ that is nothing of a life at all. Its a routine that I have to complete everyday and nothing more. It’s a struggle and a burdensome weight that I carry only with the hope that my kids will maybe possibly discover something more fulfilling than I have. But then I realize I’m doing nothing to help foster any dreams they may have.

I stifle any individuality they may show by my strict rules and discipline all in an attempt to keep my routine as easy as possible for myself. I don’t allow them freedom to express or explore… ever basically. I have no extra funds to encourage trying new extra curricular activities. Instead I’ve come to the understanding just now while writing this, that my entire reasoning is counterproductive. I want the best for them but provide none of the opportunities to achieve that. I’m to exhausted by the end of my day to even play a god damn board game with them.

So I shovel them off to bed to rest myself, and then hate being alone.

You know what? I just don’t even have a decent enough train of thought to reason this one out. Facts seem pretty clear: I’m a ridiculous mom.

I say I want to be a good mom. And on the surface I invest a lot of time and energy into the things that would paint that picture. But when it comes down to it, my kids are getting a pretty shitty end of that stick.

I guess this is what I get for thinking to much in bed at night.

A shitty stick 😕

-Crosby, Stills & Nash/Teach Your Children-

You Used To Call Me On My Cell Phone Late Night When You Need My Love Call Me On My Cell Phone

I know.

My posts have been less than juicy lately. The thing is, my life has been boring af.

My parents were in town like I said, and then I got sick and apart from work, I’ve barely left my house. I have like zero interest in guys because, well I just don’t wanna stir up all that shit again. And so my life is about as interesting as watching a baked potato bake.

I have been trying to make new friends as I mentioned though, and I had been chatting with this one guy recently. I swear to god my first line to him was basically “your not my type, but you seem like a decent guy, with his head on his shoulders, so if your looking for a friend, so am I.” Straight to the point, no leading him on, no flirting (not that I’m any good at that anyways) no playing games, just honest to goodness me trying to make friends. So we’d been texting for maybe 2 weeks and he’d gotten to the point of everyday texting me “good morning babe” or something like that. And I’m just like, do guys not get it? I would keep the conversation completely platonic and discuss work, his schooling, regular life… you know trying to build a friendship and if he moved into that kind of territory I would either ignore it respond with a completely non-emotional text.

Anyways, we were texting this weekend while I was sick and we got on the topic of how to meet new friends, and I asked him (who is also newer to the area, which is one of the reasons I reached out… because both were looking for new friends) apart from stupid dating apps, how do people actually MEET new people nowadays? And he kept replying that you get together face to face with them to see them. I’m like no, your not getting it. Even before that step, like before you have their number to text or call to arrange a face to face meeting, how do you meet new people? And so he’s like “wait”

So I’m like is that you answer? Wait? Wait for what? Life to just magically make new acquaintances appear in your vicinity? Or do you want me to wait for you to come up with a much better answer, because that was lame af.

So then about 30 minutes later he texts back and says ” wait for me, I’m on my way can I please have your address?”

What??? I’m sick! It’s Sunday night and I’m in my sweat pants with my nose running and your driving from a different city? But now saying no would be rude, since your probably halfway here at this point and it’s honestly really sweet that you would come at the drop of a hat. So I reminded him that I was sick and he reminded me that he was a General Practitioner and dealt with colds and flus all the time and it was no big deal.

So I texted him my address and decided to brush my teeth, since I couldn’t remember doing it yet that day and well… my breath was probably atrocious. Then I sat down to wait for us to “meet”

I couldn’t help but thinking while I was waiting how nice it made me feel that he would come like that. Yes, it was uninvited, but deep down, it made me feel… I don’t know, desired? Like he couldn’t keep away? Now I don’t like this guy sexually in anyway, but it made me think this is what I want. The guy for me to just KNOW that I need him to come. Without me having to ask.  I’m delusional, I’m well aware lol.

But then, low and behold, he showed up with a bottle of wine (the most delicious wine I’ve had since I’ve come tbh) and it was then that I knew he was exactly like the other guys. He obviously wanted to get in my pants.

I did my best to keep the conversation strictly friend centered and just have a glass of wine like grown adults should be able to do without fucking. But then he made the move from the armchair to beside me on the couch and I was like, whoomp there it is. Of course he causally put his arm around me and then not so slowly moved in for the kiss which I dodged and it ended up on my neck. So he continued kissing my neck and here I am, a couple of glasses of wine in, trying to figure out the best way to get him to leave without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings because he was actually such a nice guy.

So he keeps trying to kiss me and I keep managing to duck out of it meanwhile wondering why he isn’t getting the hint, and finally I just straight out told him it was time for him to leave. So he put his shoes on and then gave me a long ass hug and left, but not before exclaiming it felt so nice to hold a woman after 3 years.

You guys I ALMOST just broke down and let him fuck me because I felt so bad for him.  Three years? And he was so kind?  Like I’ve slept with so many guys what’s one more? Plus he was so nice. But him? I just wasn’t attracted to, so I kept my no at no, and then he was on his way.

He texted me three times throughout the night. “Thinking of you” and memes about your beautiful heart and being together etc. and so in the morning I had to again repeat what I said from the start. Like dude your a nice guy, like really nice, but I’m just not attracted to you. I’m sure we could be friends, but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship outside of that with you.

Let’s just say I haven’t gotten any good morning text from him since then.

Which sucks because they actually helped my day. Texts like that make you feel at least a little bit valued.

Now it’s back to nothing.

Square one sucks balls.


-Drake/ Hotline Bling-

Cut The Ties Send A Flare Into The night / Turn The Tide Dry Your Tears And Wave Goodbye

So no more calls. Not from K. Not from any guys in or out of the prison named A all the way through to Z.

Which is disappointing since I got a new phone last night and it’s just more exciting to have a new phone….well when the phone rings in any capacity. But give it time C. Be patient.

Anyways so this new phone deal. It started out last week when I realized my contract was up and started browsing around at work to see if I was eligible for and upgrade on my phone. I’ve been using an iPhone 5, so not the best and not the worst. Either case, I wasn’t going to spend any money on a new phone, but I wanted to check what I could get with my current provider. Turns out not much unless I wanted to practically triple my monthly phone bill. Which I didn’t. So I browsed over the beautiful phones and that was that. It was a look but don’t touch situation and I went home for the day.

Later at home that exact same night I got a phone call from some third party company who casually mentioned that they noticed my contract with my phone service company was up and that I had left my old provider a few years ago and could they potentially win me back? Okay… I’m interested, while at the same time creeped out by the timing of his call but… what would you do for me? Well for starters, they will give me a free iPhone 8 Plus.

Ok, now I’m not an idiot. I know nothing in life is free. Tell me all the ins and outs of this “free phone” and then I’ll decide. So the guy went over the details of a plan that’s actually better than my current one, at only $5 more per month, and all I have to do is sign on for 2 years. So at this point, I really don’t have any loyalty to a cell phone provider. I’ll jump ship at the soonest sight of a better deal for me. So considering I plan on having a cell phone for the next 2 years anyways, I might as well have a much better phone. So I took the deal and my new MUCH better phone was delivered last night. Oh my goodness you guys. It’s fantastic. But even better is as I was calling to set it up, the guy was like oh have you heard about our latest offer? Here I’m thinking I already go the latest offer but go on… So he gave me a new iPad as well and I just had to add 2 GB of data to my plan for the 2 years @$10/month. So I’ll pack that away and give it to the kids for Christmas. Actually it’ll probably go to Little E, and the older one I’d been saving to give them that my mom gave me second hand will go to Z. Now there will be no fighting over iPads.

Then today, I get a call from my old service provider (old as in the one I just switched from yesterday lol) and she’s like I see you recently left us, is there anything we could have done to improve our service or win you back? And all I could think was if they had called me 2 weeks ago, and asked what they could do to KEEP me, then I wouldn’t be pissed that they are interrupting my day. I’ve already taken my steps and signed a new contract. Bitch I’ve moved on.

It reminded me of a couple who breaks up and one of them tries to win the other back. If you had just tried harder to KEEP your significant other, you wouldn’t have lost them in the first place. You know the competition is out there. You know there are other offers for people to be looking at. If you want my business, make it worth my while from the jump, but also keep my attention for the duration of my stay so I don’t consider leaving. Keep the service good. Keep it fresh and better than the other companies so that its not so easy to be swayed.

But no, there is no way you can win me back at this point. You should’ve done a better job of making sure you never lost me in the first place. Because your calling my on my sweet ass phone and my iPad is coming by the end of the week, and it’s costing me $15 more a month for 2 years. That’s only $360+GST, plus the fact I have a much better phone and a Christmas gift, plus a loaded plan with 5GB of data/month MORE than you gave me. So no. I’m not coming back.

Unless you can pay off that 2 year contract and buy me a car?

No?

Then by.


-For King And Country/Burn The Ship-

Will You Remember Me? Don’t Let Your Life Pass You By, Weep Not For The Memories Remember The Good Times That We Had

Thanksgiving has come and gone here in Canada.

My parents came in for the weekend, flying in on Saturday and left on Monday. It was a short and sweet visit, made better by the fact that we managed to keep it a surprise from the kids until the very moment we spotted them at the airport.

I told Little E and Z we had to go pick up a “special package” and had them guessing the whole trip out to the airport. My Dad FaceTimed the kids while I was pulling up to the arrivals gate and Little E was chatting on the phone with him, telling him all about the package we were going to pick up from the airport when my Dad knocked on the car door. The look on the kids faces was priceless as they both called out his name. They were beyond happy and shocked as they jumped out and gave massive hugs all around. It was perfect.

From the airport I took my parents to two different winerys to do a few wine tastings, you know, since I live in wine country. While we were there I took some beautiful pictures of them with the kids since we don’t have these opportunities often. Once we finally got home, Z toured my Dad around our house since he’s not yet seen it in person, making sure to point out all the irrelevant things like the toaster and the dishwasher etc, as small children are prone to do as tour guides (eye roll). Then of course we went for a nice long walk on the beach which ended with the kids showing off all their stone throwing abilities. We finished out the Saturday with an easy supper, since I’m a crappy cook, and the kids went to sleep and my parents did their Netflix thing, and that was that. Fairly simple.

The stress of the fact that my parents were visiting didn’t set in until Sunday morning. When my mom started noticing, ‘politely’ of course if that’s possible, all the things I needed to do around my yard. So off we were on a trip to Canadian Tire to buy a Edger for the grass and work gloves to pull the weeds. I’m not an outdoor person. At all. So ok. Fine. Thank you. They even bought Little E a new hockey net for him to practice with in the yard, which in theory is nice. But for some reason, it’s the way my mom does it, that makes me feel…not good enough in some way? I don’t know how to explain it. Taking me to the kitchen section saying I need a new roasting pot and it’s her treat. And how “it’s so simple to use, just throw the whole chicken in there with some veggies and onions and potatoes etc and throw it in the oven”. Mom. Thank you, but first off, there is no way my kids and I could ever eat a whole chicken before it went bad. As it is, we share one chicken breast for dinner. Secondly, I do know how to roast a damn chicken. I was married. I did manage to keep all four of us alive with beautifully cooked meals every night. It’s not that I don’t think a roast chicken would be lovely and delicious, it’s just that for the three of us, two of the “us” being kids, it would be a waste. Thirdly, when I do want to roast anything, I do have perfectly good pans at home, they just don’t have lids, so that’s what good old tin foil is for. Just because it’s not the same set up you have in your kitchen, doesn’t mean it’s sub-par.

So fine, we left the store with no roasting pan, but instead she got me a new frying pan since mine was shit. No arguing, she was not stopping, so fine a pan it was. Next, we went to the grocery store, because my mom needed TWO things for her cabbage rolls that she was bringing for the Thanksgiving dinner that night. Ok. Two things. I had brought my small reusable bag and everything, planning to buy TWO THINGS.

Well instead we went up and down basically every aisle, because according to her, my fridge was empty and I had hardly anything in my house.

OKAYYYY. Just because I don’t keep every sauce and dressing imaginable stored in my fridge, doesn’t mean I don’t have food in my house. I buy meat in bulk, and then divide it into smaller portions and keep it in the freezer. I have a huge fruit bowl that I keep on the counter that’s full of fresh fruit all the time. All the snacks, breads, canned things are in the cupboards. And the veggies are in the fridge. I don’t really see what else you need that the fridge needs to be jam packed all the time?

But that didn’t stop her from buying cereal that we already had. Peanut butter in a massive jar, which we not only already had, but I will hardly be able to ever use since the kids can’t take it to school, and bulk peanut butter cookies and chips. As well as steaks. Ok the steaks I can totally get on board with. It was delicious to fry up a steak last night in my new pan.

But there’s still the feelings of judgement. Like C your not doing good enough, so here’s how you should be living.

Especially when we got home and the four of them spent between 30-45 minutes mowing and edging the lawn which I honestly thought was fine. Oh my mom even did look for the dead rat… no longer there. Not sure if that’s good or bad news, but it is what it is.

Anyways. Deep down I totally understand that they are just trying to help and be nice, but on the other side, they were here for vacation, for their Thanksgiving and I wanted them to enjoy it. Not spend all their money and time working. But I guess it just wasn’t my choice.

Sunday afternoon they took the kids to see the new movie Smallfoot, which they said was fun, while I monitored the cabbage rolls in the oven and had a shower, and then it was off to my uncles for dinner.

Dinner was actually one of the most enjoyable family holiday dinners I can ever remember having. It was chill and relaxed and my uncle played baseball with Little E in the yard for a good half hour and Z got to help in the kitchen, which is her favorite thing to do, help. Dinner was delicious, and company was good, my kids were well behaved which always takes the stress off me. Even my Grandpa was fine. Although there were moments I felt bad for him. Yes, me. I felt sorry for my Grandpa. I just felt like at times no one was listening to him. Yes he’s getting old and maybe his stories are a little irrelevant, dosen’t mean he should be ignored. So I made a point to take some time to sit and talk with him (on the opposite side of the room). Even though I really no longer like him, I just felt like everyone deserves to be heard. Despite everything. Besides, I still can’t quite figure out if he remembers what happened or not. Either way, I keep my distance, and always monitor my kids closely around him.

After the meal, we were back at my house by maybe 8:30 and my parents watched a bit of tv while I went to bed, since I hadn’t slept well the night before. I gave my parents my room/bed and I was using Z’s, which was sooooo uncomfortable. Correction, it’s a really comfortable mattress, but I’m used to my super soft one, which is probably awful for my back, but it’s what I’m used to. Z on the other hand is 50 lbs and has hardly made a dent on hers so it was very firm, not my favorite.

Then just like that, Monday morning came and we had to leave by 10am to get to the airport in time. Let’s just say there were more than a few tears shed on Z’s behalf. I had to physically grab her off of my Mom and put her in the car while she acted like a limp rag doll, yet simultaneously crying her head off, impressive to say the least.  I just hoped no one thought I was kidnapping a child from the airport. I’ve had to many experiences with people questioning if my kids are mine or not, so I was not interested in dealing with that again. Once the kids were in the car and my parents had made their quick getaway, I noticed the tears rolling down Little E’s cheeks as well. So I knew I would need a distraction or the whole ride home I would be dealing with a hysterical Z as well as Little E crying. I pulled into the closest Timmy’s and got a few timbits for the kids and we discussed how it’s ok to be sad and have those emotions, but we also have to know how to also calm ourselves down. I reassured them that we can call Nanna and Nonno whenever we like, same as before as well as the fact that we will be going to visit them at Christmas. At least this way, we have the memories of their visit to reflect upon.

And good memories are better than none at all.


-Sarah McLachlan/I Will Remember You-

My Cousins Are Crazy / When I Started Out I Just Took What They Gave Me / When You Livin Like This You Supposed To Hate

Caller #3.

Last night I got a call from the prison again. Which I thought (again) was weird when I saw the number show up on my phone. For so many reasons I’m sure you could guess, but the main one being that T (the guy who wrote the phone number wrong last week, for his friend to call) got out on Monday which I found out when he called to tell me he got out early, so I had no connection at this point with anyone in the joint.

No, I really don’t care that much about T, but again I was being nice. He called me from a blocked number, which I’ve learned is pretty standard prison issue (and therefore couldn’t call back to bitch about after the below happened) The call was cut short, because he was headed to visit his family… still not sure why he called me before his family, but guys will be guys. So anyways, T is out, so who could possibly be calling me now?

Well I accept the call, and get a shady af explanation.

Hello?

Hi… You don’t know me but my name is Caller #3 and I got your number from G and my cousin and he said your good peoples (ugh, prison grammer), and so I know this is weird but I was wondering if maybe you could help me.

WHAT? G as in K/G? There is no fucking way he gave you my number to call.

So Caller #3 continues:

I just got off the phone with my cousin M who said you helped out a friend and you might help me out.

Now I’m so confused. I’ve never heard of this cousin of his, so I’m trying to understand how in the world he could vouch for me, saying I’m a good person to talk to, while at the same time beyond embarrassed by even the remote possibility that K knows about last weeks call. So I’m GRILLING Caller #3 to try to find out as many details as I can, and basically all he’s saying is that he just got off the phone with his cousin two seconds ago (Who again I have NO CLUE who he is, even after he goes into detail about who his cousin is dating and what he looks like etc, it all just confuses me more) and all Caller #3 is saying is that his cousin gave him my number to call.

How in the world did his cousin M give Caller #3 my number if I don’t even know who M is? How many guys have my number and are saying I’m a good person to talk to? Then Caller #3 confirms that yes, for sure K/G knows about last week, but he wouldn’t expand on it. So now I’m just like who the fuck is spilling the beans after I specifically asked them to keep their big ass mouths shut? Like I thought this was prison culture. Don’t say anything more than necessary/zip your lip. This? This was never necessary to speak on. Caller #3 kinda gave the vibe off that the whole situation from last week made its way around the block and my phone number is a valuable commodity in the prison now.

So there’s that.

Anyways, once I get over my initial frustration of someone leaking my info, I remember that there’s a guy on the phone who’s calling to ask for help.

So then I asked him what he was in for, and he’s like oh you’re just gonna jump right in like that hey? So I get straight to it. I basically tell him the reason I’m a good person to talk to is because I’ll keep it real and I expect the same in return, and no matter what, I’ll do my best not to judge, offer an opinion? Yes, but I’ll try not to judge. So if I ask a question, just answer. Honestly. I’ll give my heartfelt true advice, which doesn’t mean I’m right obviously, but I’m not going to beat around the bush either. So he said that’s cool, and then proceeds to inform me that he’s two years into a 12 year sentence for Manslaughter.

Well now.

To be honest, there was a slight lump in my throat, but I managed to keep it together, as he told me his quick version of the events, and then we moved on. People are people and they either make mistakes, or they make decisions. Being drunk or sober, you chose to get to that state and now here you are. Having taken someones life.But at the same time I was pissed. Who thinks it’s ok to be giving my phone number out around the PRISON! To people who have been found guilty of killing people? This is putting myself and my kids at potential risk! So I made a huge mental note about who much to reveal of myself, and figured he’s already gotten my phone number now so I might as well help out anyway I can. If I can be a friend for one person, and make that one small change in his life, maybe I’ve done a little good in the world for today.

Either way, this guy too had an issue about how his girlfriend had dumped him.

Guys. In my opinion, if your life path leads you to prison, and the girl you were with was only your girlfriend, I think it’s completely within her right to break up with you. If you were really interested in that relationship, you would’ve focused on it more BEFORE you made the decisions that lead you to be locked up. If she chooses to stay with you through your stint, than create what beauty you can outta that and remember what a solid girl you have. But if your choices led you to prison, then her choices can also lead her wherever she chooses after that. At this point she’s not your wife, you didn’t make that move to solidify your relationship and so she has not made any vow to you in any capacity to stick by you in thick or thin etc. So if she chooses to respectfully break up and move on to someone who can fulfill her life and make her happy in the ways she want to live her life, you cannot stop her. Continued phone calls etc, are probably not a good idea either. Sure a letter here or there for her birthday to maintain a friendship would be nice unless she explicedly requests for you not to, but she has chosen for you to not be her man. You have to accept that. Just like she had to accept that you made a choice to do something illegal knowing that the chance was there to potentially take you away from her for a long time to maybe forever, yet you chose that over her regardless. How was she supposed to feel?

Grand gestures to “Win her back” are probably not worth it. She’s moved on. She’s allowed to make her choices, just as you made yours. Save your big moves for a new girl who you can form a new solid relationship with from the start. And this time, choose her always. ALWAYS chose the girl over the stupidity that could take you away from the girl. Then neither of you will be stuck in a situation where this kind of decision has to be made.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion.

In the mean time, I’m not sure how I feel knowing I’m slowly becoming the prison therapist.

Unless there’s a salary connected to it?


-Drake & Lil Baby / Yes Indeed-

 

I Put My Feelings On Safety So I Don’t Go Shootin’ Where Your Heart Be

Those phone calls threw me for a major loop.

I’ve been doing my best in moving on from K. Settling in here in Kelowna, trying to forget. But those calls brought back all the memories I was trying to put behind me. All the pain and feelings of not being good enough. So I needed a distraction.

And therefore obviously did the stupidest thing I could have, but I called up a one nighter again.  Of course he swung by Saturday night with drinks and I did what I always do when I’m trying to avoid life, we fucked. But mid-thrust, I started crying. No joke you guys.

I started crying because this guy wasn’t K. And even worse than that, I started crying because I really truly understood in that moment that K was never coming.

K is never going to come sweep me off my feet.

K is never going to fulfill any of his promises he made to me to love me.

K is not the man I thought he was.

K can’t love me how I thought he would.

And so it hit me dead on while this dick was fucking me from behind, that I hated him. Both K and this random guy. I hated all of them. And I started bawling. So of course this guy was trying to console me because he’s obviously freaking out that the chick he’s banging is crying for no apparent reason, so he made the massive mistake of asking what was wrong? So then I just started pouring it out. ALLLL of it. Pour unfortunate soul.

Everything gushed out. How I loved this guy with everything I had, and he broke my heart and I feel I’m to broken to be loved now. And how I really honestly truly thought this guy would still keep his word and come through. For me. For my kids. For us. Because I thought he felt the same way. Because he told me he felt the same way. Because he showed me he felt the same way. So if he felt it so deeply for me, then how can he not be feeling similar to how I’ve been feeling? How can he not be hurting too? And if he was/is possibly hurting in the same way, and he knows the ball is in his court, why the fuck would he keep it there and not make a move towards making things better for both of us?

Because he must not have ever felt the same way about me.

So I need to stop imagining stupid scenarios in my head where he keeps his word.

No man has ever…… I dunno how to explain it. No man has ever just done what they said they were going to do? Stayed with me. Loved me. Been true to their word. Why should K be any different?

So I managed to stop crying enough for the random one nighter (that’s a lie, it was his second time… I had him over about 2 months ago, which is why I had his number) anyways, he’s all like, don’t think about him anymore, I’ll treat you good, etc etc. You know all the socially acceptable things you would say to a girl who broke down crying right in the throws of everything, juices dripping and all. So I just told him to wrap it up and head out the door.

I wasn’t then, nor do I think will I be anytime soon, in the mood for sex. He’s honestly been the second guy I’ve slept with here where all I could think about was K, and that’s not fair to them. I’ve never had this issue before.

In the past, I was able to just get all my sexual needs satisfied, and move on for the day. I was too good at it in fact. But now I just see K’s face, or I’m comparing tactics or, well just about everything they do, I’m comparing to how K would’ve done it. And it’s not good enough.

And I hate it.

Because I know he’s out there enjoying his life and I’m stuck here. In this emotional state that I never wanted to be in. That I tried avoiding SOOO many times, but he kept pushing me deeper and deeper into, and he’s not even here to catch me.

I hate him.

And myself. For FALLING too far in love. To a point I don’t know how to get out of.

Doesn’t help that T, the prison guy keeps calling and I feel like I enjoy the chats in general, but he keeps pushing for info on K/G, and how I know him etc but I just don’t wanna talk about him. I wanna just talk on the phone to someone about life. Life without K/G.


-Ella Mae/Trip-