It All Just Goes To Show How Nothing I Know Changes Me At All Again I Wait For This To Change Instead

So I went for my appointment today to see if I could get any help for my financial situation.

I really don’ know what I was expecting to be honest, but in the end it was a let down. I mean what did I think was going to happen? $100,000.00 cash in hand and away I went debt/loan free? Well I can assure you that is most definitely not how it went down.

I showed up and filled out a few forms and then started my “interview.” The first question she asked me was the one I knew would get me shut down, Oh wait, the second one. First, was do I have my own transportation, which yes I do, and that didn’t help matters when I moved here and had to invest over $4,000 grand into my “own transportation” to get it BC road worthy and insured. Anyways, moving on to the question I was dreading was do I have a job, and how much do I make. So I had to spill the beans and explain the awkwardness of the fact that, yes, I do have a job. A well paying job. Which is mainly why I’m in this situation in the first place.

My “well paying job” relocated this summer and basically fucked me over royally financially.  I lost thousands of dollars and all my savings selling my house and paying out the mortgage plus purchasing here. I racked up major debt because of the relocation and getting settled, and now I have zero dollars to my name except a maxed out credit card and debts of close to $15,000 to my parents, $6,000 to legal aid, an ever growing lawyers bill due to the ever growing number of hours E continues to demand on that front. Basically, I’m just trying to stay above board for a little bit until I can get my situation more settled.

So, because I’m not actually, technically poor on paper, all she was able to help me with was a list of places like the Salvation Army and the Food Bank, where I can go if I need…because as she kept repeating, the Food Bank can’t turn away anyone.

Not really as beneficial as I was hoping for… but not the end of the world I suppose.

I guess I’m just frustrated I haven’t won the lottery yet.

Don’t worry, I don’t spend what little money I have on the lottery lol.


-Blink 182/All Of This-

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Actin All New To Me I Creep On You Like Puberty / The Struggle Continues I’ll Miss You

Little E just casually informed me he spotted some hair “down there” and pointed to his crotch.

No, this isn’t something that I ask him abut often, therefore he felt the need to inform me. However about 2 weeks ago we pulled out a book I got him a while back (I think I blogged about it…not sure) about what to expect when you go through puberty as a boy.  I remember thinking that I, being 100% female, in case you weren’t aware, had literally no clue what happens when a male body goes from boy to man.

I grew up in a house with myself, two sisters, my mom, and a fairly absent dad. At least not a dad who we discussed our changing bodies with. I didn’t kiss a guy, like really kiss a guy until high school and it went straight from kiss to like 3rd base, and yeah, he was pretty developed. I lost my virginity at 19 to a guy who was 28. E’ll be 39 next year. Like all I’m saying is I have ZERO experience with the male species before or heck even during, puberty.

Thus, the reason I got Little E a book on it. I just wanted to be prepared and have answers to questions, as well as have knowledge for situations that might not even have been a question, had the book not bought up the topic.  I remember browsing Indigo for a solid 20 minutes in the pre-teen section, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of options in this category. I didn’t want to get a book that would overwhelm HIM, but I didn’t want to get a book that left out important details that I wouldn’t have answers to. I wanted him to be prepared, but not scared, confident but not loose all innocence. I think the one mistake I made, was that I gave it to him a little to early. We read it together to start, which was something I offered and he liked the idea of bonding through “story” (oh kids, so naive), but we stopped after the first maybe 2 chapters, because things just weren’t applicable to him and he was loosing interest at the time.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, when he was organizing his books one day and decided that because he’s 8 now, the things would apply more. One thing he had learned in those 2 chapters was that puberty can start anywhere between ages 8-12 lol. Anyways we started from the beginning again, stopping often to discuss more things, since he now had more questions and him interjecting where his life experiences now applied.

I learned all about how he’s already experienced erections (something I already assumed based on the sounds I hear coming from his room), as well as how he thinks his “pits” stink.

On the one hand, I’m glad he’s comfortable talking to me about EVERYTHING so easily. On the other hand, as a mother, I wish I never had to know certain things about my own sons body.

EVER.

But I had to also be mature about it. So when he asked what was an erection and we read about it, and he exclaimed “Oh I’ve had that when it gets strong and hard and stands up, and then you just have to wait until it goes back down”? I had to say yes without asking for any more information, and that of course every guy gets them. But then of course the book starts discussing wet dreams, which Little E didn’t quite understand, so I don’t think he’s experienced yet. I tried to explain more so that when he does potentially have one, he’s not embarrassed, and at least has an understanding of what’s happening to his body. Well, that, and he’ll know how to clean it up by himself lol.

So now he’s announced that he’s discovered hair “down there” as he puts it. And I’m just like “Oh good for you” “You’re growing up now” “That’s exciting” “Just like the book said” “Yeah, and now we know it’ll be in coming soon in so many other places too” “How do you feel”

I need to grow up.

In any case, I think now at 8 years old, Little E is more than ready for the book on puberty. It’s me at 30 who’s too immature.


-2Pac, Thug Life, Outlawz/M.O.B.-

Freedom! Where Are You? Cause I Need Freedom Too! I Break Chains All By Myself Won’t Let My Freedom Rot In Hell

Things are looking up. Way up.

I honestly hardly slept at all last night, for various reasons, but the thought of the court date today was a large component in keeping me up.

I haven’t been this excited/anxious/nervous what have you, for anything in… well I honestly can’t remember anything keeping me up like this except Christmas as a little girl. Not my wedding night. Not giving birth. Like literally nothing has given me the anticipation that this day did ever.

Today at work I was hardly productive. I kept checking the time, and comparing it to the time difference to where the court date was. Calculating in my head how long should my lawyer take before I would hear from him. Would I hear from him? What if it was bad news? What if there was no new? Fuck, what if E showed up somehow and messed up everything? Like, I just couldn’t work today, my thoughts were so distracted.

Finally just after 2:00pm I got an email from my lawyer, and I didn’t read it right away. I took a minute to compose myself. Reminding myself that nothing was set in stone, and it could still go one of two ways. Well it could go any way imaginable, but not to assume it was going to go the way I wanted it to, considering things with E never have.

So then when I finally opened the email, I could’ve cried (probably not but you get my excitement level), but my boss was standing right there, so instead I read it out loud. Yeah, my boss knows way to much about my personal life, but that’s what happens when there’s only 3 of you guys in the entire company and you relocate provinces together.

Anyways, word for word, here’s the email from my lawyer.

“C.

We were successful  in obtaining an order to sever the corollary relief today. We also obtained an order giving you primary parenting and day to day decision making for the children as well as child support in the amount based on an income of $XX,XXX per year.

We are going to draft the divorce documents. We will be in touch in due course as to what needs to be done in order to finalize this.

We’re almost done!”

I. Was. So. Happy. I literally didn’t know what to do. I think I’ve re-read it 4 times since, just to make sure it’s not a dream. Yes, there’s still a little bit of work to be done, but this is more progress in one day than what’s been made in 4.5 years.

I can move without E having anything to do with it, as it should be. I can file for maintenance enforcement, and the kids can live a much better quality of life, and soon, officially, I can say I’m divorced. I feel such relief that I don’t even know how to put it into words.

And yeah, now I’ve started crying as I write this. Because that man had such a hold on my life. I felt like I couldn’t be happy, and this just feels like such a break through. I feel like I can start living now. No clue where or how to start, but I can start really living.

You guys, it’s like after over 4 YEARS of this burden, I might actually have been set free. The whole premise and reason I started this blog was to relieve the weight of E, to tell my story in my own words, and maybe find love again.

So maybe, I’m on my way.


-Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar/Freedom-

That’s The Price You Pay Leave Behind Your Heartache, Cast Away Just Another Product Of Today

You guys, I can’t stop myself from getting a teeny bit excited for this week. That’s a lie. I’ve been thinking of it more and more since I started posting again.

I could be free and clear of E by Wednesday!

This Wednesday!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHH!

I should know by now not to put the carriage in front of the horse, but I can’t help but think this might actually be it. I might ACTUALLY be divorced by the end of this week. I’m beyond excited. Too excited. I’m probably setting myself up for a big disappointment, but at this point, I don’t see how. Although that’s probably how it’ll happen, when I don’t see any other way. Imma choose to focus on a good (for me) outcome.

He called me today for the first time in weeks. He asked if the kids were in school (of course they are, what kind of mother would I be if they weren’t?) and since they were, there was nothing to talk about since we don’t “chat.” I asked him if he had been released from the hospital and he told me he got out 4 days ago. Yeah, 4 days ago and he finally called to talk to the kids… whatever, some people never change.

Anyways, he didn’t sound like he had any clue about the court date. I didn’t mention it. I just kept thinking how in the world I put up with this man and his stupidity for so long. I literally must be the most patient woman in the entire universe. I asked him again to send me his medical records, which my lawyer asked for months ago for our files, and I’ve only asked for about a dozen times since. He told me he only has written copies but he would take some pictures on his phone and send them right over. I’ve yet to get them and the call was a couple of hours ago, story of my life.

So instead after we hung up, I pulled up the email from my lawyer to confirm just what exactly he is asking for in court on Wednesday, just to get everything straight in my head.

He’s asked for an order granting me primary residence of the kids (obviously). An order for child support based on E’s last filed taxes (2016 I think). An order for corollary relief, meaning his “right” to my property will be gone. Then, a simple desk divorce without his consent based on his mental health and inability to sign, and finally costs, since he’s been the one delaying things and causing my lawyer fees to rack up over the years.

Seems pretty damn amazing hey? If an order for child support is granted, then I can file for maintenance enforcement, which is a program that will garnish his wages or whatever benefits he is receiving (for his health) and pay me first for the kids, which is so needed because I’m broke as a joke right now, and I hate having to ask E to do his fucking job and send money to support his own kids. It’s humiliating and demeaning, but with back to school etc, I need a little more than normal.

So over the weekend I sucked up my pride and sent an email to a support service here in the city to see if they could provide the kids and I with some services. I’m meeting with a social worker on Friday to see what programs are available. I never thought I’d have to accept help from a program like this before, but I don’t want my kids to go without, so it is what it is.

And hopefully it can be what it is with the title of divorced hanging above my name.

Wishing for the best.


-Imagine Dragons/Natural-

We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

I remember Kindergarten.

Correction. I remember exactly one lunch recess where I was playing tag and pushed a boy off some wooden play structure. He ended up breaking his arm… my bad. But I distinctly remember when my red curly-haired teacher who was on supervision carried him from the playground to the office and it was in that moment I thought she was the strongest person I knew and I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I was in awe that someone carried a kid my age, because I obviously didn’t get held much at home anymore, but also that a relative stranger would so easily embrace someone else’s child. I never thought it was possible, yet I thought it was so beautiful.

Things have changed by now. Oh I went after high school and started University to get my teaching degree. But I sucked at it. Actually I just no longer cared. I skipped 60% of my classes and didn’t turn in a single assignment. I was put on academic probation my first year (which I told my mom was due to my seizures, actually she pretty much thought that up all on her own and I just went with it). Part of that was maybe true, but more honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was only doing it because I felt it was “the right thing” Not the right thing as in it felt right, but the right thing as in I’d been telling everyone I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was like 6 years old so I’d only be lying to myself if I changed it after so long.

But is it fair to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you’re a child? And then to be held to that standard because “Oh you’d be such a good teacher” and “well you’ve always wanted to be a teacher” were phrases you’d been hearing for the better part of a dozen years? Only to realize 3/4 of the way through my degree, that I would be a terrible teacher.

I would be fine if it actually came down to it, I mean I could do anything, let’s be honest. But I just really, really, really didn’t want to do it anymore. So here I was 3 years out of a 4 year degree under my belt, that had taken me about 6 years to get this far, between saving for school and marriage and travel etc, and I decided I was done trying.

Probably for the best.

All those little kids are better off with all those kind, caring, thoughtful teachers anyways.

So I quit. It may have seemed like marriage was the issue. Or becoming a mom was the reason. And it was a major reason. A major excuse in the very least. Once I had my own kids I became more honest with myself in that I really didn’t want to teach other kids all day and then come home and still have more left of me to give to my own kids. I think I was looking for a reason to quit and my kids and my life situation in leaving E gave me that. It gave me a reason to start fresh.

It gave me a chance to start school again. And find a career that makes good money yeah, but I’m still not feeling fulfilled.

It’s hard to take risks when I have two little kids depending on me. Not that I know what risk I would take if I could, but I’m just saying I kinda feel like I’m in the same rut I was in after high school. I’m just doing what I’m doing because it was what was “best” for me. It seemed “smartest”. It seemed like the “right” move. But I don’t know if I’m being authentically C.

I don’t feel happy.

I feel like this life was chosen for me when I was a child and I’m just going along with the flow. But I don’t want to anymore.

If I was more honest. More true to me, I would say I want to travel. I want to write. Books. Music for others. I want to remain nameless. I never want to be famous. I want to be happy. I don’t want to work under anyone, but I want to have freedom in my expression. But I’m scared. Because those steps don’t seem easy. The steps to be that person haven’t been planned out since I was a kid so I don’t know how to start it now. It doesn’t seem like “the Plan”

So I’m nervous and scared.

Lazy and very unsure of what to do to become the person I think is the true C.

Because I’ve never been her before. So what if I fail?

What if the steps I take are wrong and instead of becoming a more successful version of me, I fail and therefore I’m further back than I am now? I’m not that person. I don’t take those risks. I’m the type of person who follows plans I made when I was 6…. just because plans are plans, and I don’t know how to deviate from that.

What if I make new plans and become even more unlovable than I am now?

That’s my greatest fear.

To make new plans that fuck up my life even more than it already is. Because I’m barely holding on as is.


Eminem/Stepping Stone