We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

I remember Kindergarten.

Correction. I remember exactly one lunch recess where I was playing tag and pushed a boy off some wooden play structure. He ended up breaking his arm… my bad. But I distinctly remember when my red curly-haired teacher who was on supervision carried him from the playground to the office and it was in that moment I thought she was the strongest person I knew and I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I was in awe that someone carried a kid my age, because I obviously didn’t get held much at home anymore, but also that a relative stranger would o easily embrace someone else’s child. I never thought it was possible, yet I thought it was so beautiful.

Things have changed by now. Oh I went straight after high school and started University to get my teaching degree. But I sucked at it. Actually I just no longer cared. I skipped 60% of my classes and didn’t turn in a single assignment. I was put on academic probation my first year (which I told my mom was due to my seizures, actually she pretty much thought that up all on her own). Part of that was maybe true, but more honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was only doing it because I felt it was “the right thing” Not the right thing as in it felt right, but the right thing as in I’d been telling everyone I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was like 5 so I’d only be lying to myself if I changed it after so long.

But is it fair to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you’re a child? And then to be held to that standard because “Oh you’d be such a good teacher” and “well you’ve always wanted to be a teacher” were phrases you’d been hearing for the better part of a dozen years? Only to realize 3/4 of the way through my degree, that I would be a terrible teacher.

I would be fine if it actually came down to it, I mean I could do anything, let’s be honest. But I just really, really, really didn’t want to do it anymore. So here I was 3 years out of a 4 year degree, that had taken me about 6 years to get this far, between saving for school and marriage and travel etc, and I decided I was done.

Probably for the best.

All those little kids are better off with all those kind, caring, thoughtful teachers anyways.

So I quit. It may have seemed like marriage was the issue. Or becoming a mom was the reason. And it was a major reason. A major excuse in the very least. Once I had my own kids I became more honest with myself in that I really didn’t want to teach other kids all day and then come home and still have more left of me to give to my own kids. I think I was looking for a reason to quit and my kids and my life situation in leaving E gave me that. It gave me a reason to start fresh.

It gave me a chance to start school again. And find a career that makes good money yeah, but I’m still not feeling fulfilled.

It’s hard to take risks when I have two little kids depending on me. Not that I know what risk I would take if I could, but I’m just saying I kinda feel like I’m in the same rut I was in after high school. I’m just doing what I’m doing because it was what was “best” for me. It seemed “smartest”. It seemed like the “right” move. But I don’t know if I’m being authentically C.

I don’t feel happy.

I feel like this life was chosen for me when I was a child and I’m just going along with the flow. But I don’t want to anymore.

If I was more honest. More true to me, I would say I want to travel. I want to write. Books. Music for others. I want to remain nameless. I never want to be famous. I want to be happy. I don’t want to work under anyone, but I want to have freedom in my expression.

But I’m scared. Because those steps don’t seem easy. The steps to be that person haven’t been planned out since I was a kid so I don’t know how to start it now.

So I’m nervous and scared.

Lazy and very unsure of what to do to become the person I think is the true C.

Because I’ve never been her before. So what if I fail?

What if the steps I take are wrong and instead of becoming a more successful version of me, I fail and therefore I’m further back than I am now?

I’m not that person. I don’t take those risks. I’m the type of person who follows plans I made when I was 5…. just because plans are plans, and I don’t know how to deviate from that.

What if I make new plans and become even more unlovable than I am now?

That’s my greatest fear.

To make new plans that fuck up my life even more than it already is. Because I’m barely holding on as is.


Eminem/Stepping Stone

8 thoughts on “We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

  1. So much truth here. I got so very nervous and scared I froze up completely. But things started to change for me, when I started telling the truth. Sometimes I forget how critical it is to stay on this path. Thank you for reminding me, C. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was a teacher. I don’t think I was especially good at it although I worked very hard. It always seemed I could have done more to help each child but there was never enough time. Then there were the disruptive children I couldn’t get through to. It was a fulfilling career but I certainly needed those holidays.

    Finding the right career is difficult. My daughter didn’t go in for teaching but found her job iworking in a large firm unpleasant because of low morale amongst her fellow workers. For the managers it was all about making money and downsizing the workforce.

    My favourite job is retirement but now my kids have grown up I have that freedom. I used to hate the casual work I did when they were small as I never knew what each day would bring.

    Anyway, good luck with finding your chosen career. If I could start again I think I would like to do scientific research (except science was my worst subject).

    Like

    • Thing is… I’m currently working in a job that’s decent enough and pays the bills while allowing me time enough to spend with my kids. I can’t afford to just quit to start over. It’s a scary thought, giving it all up to start again at something where there’s no guarantees at success. I should be saving what little extra money I have towards my kids futures. I had my chances already.

      Like

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