Have Old Friends And Know Our Enemies Now I-, I’m thinking Back To When I Was Young Back To The Day When I Was Falling In Love

So I got a call from prison this week. Not the prison officials themselves, but a guy on the inside.

My obvious first instinct when I heard the recording “An inmate from so and so is trying to call you press 1 to accept the call” was that it was K, and that something had happened and he was locked up again.

So I pressed 1.

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello, this is J, is this Beyonce?

Me: What? No.

Them: Oh my friend gave me this number to call to talk to Beyonce, is that you?

Now, I’m actually concerned that K is back in prison and is in bigger trouble than I first thought because he can’t even make his own phone calls, and has to somehow send some other guy to call me using the stupid nicknames that they always use.

Me: Is he OK?

Them: Yeah, yeah, he’s getting out next week. What’s your name?

Me: You’re the one who called me. What do you want? Whats your name again?

And then the call got weird, he kept asking me to describe the friend who sent him, or give my name, and I was high and didn’t want to give away anything that might possible harm K in any way especially if for some reason he couldn’t call me himself. Like why was he sending some random guy to call? Was he tryna let me know something? Anyways, the guy who by the end of the phone call had given me a second name (what is it with criminals and multiple names?) assured me the friend who gave him my number was good and was getting out next week. And then we hung up.

I was left with far more questions than answers.

Is this why K hadn’t called? What stupid thing had he done that had sent him back? Why didn’t he call me himself? Was he in seg? Did he just get in? How could he be getting out next week? If he was ok, why didn’t he call himself instead of giving my number to someone else? Why do I still care so much? Ok that one wasn’t really a question because I know I still love him, but I’m trying to move on. But all the other ones were legitimately boggling my mind.

The next day, Thursday, I got another call from the prison that helped clear things up… unfortunately.

It was the friend who had sent the first caller. And it was not K.

Most of me was instantly relieved that K was not back in. But also, I was heartbroken that K had still not reached out to me in any capacity. Pissed and emotional to be more precise.

All I could think were what are the odds that anyone else would call me from the SAME lock up that K used to be in? Once the guy on the phone tried to explain to me what happened, which apparently my number and the girl they were trying to reach… Our phone numbers were 1 digit off, and the original caller had misread 2 for 3 or something like that.

Anyways, it fucked with me.

All the chances of all this happening? The second guy, T, kept trying to dig around on the call, figure out my name and what had happened on the first call. I was just so overwhelmed with disappointment that at one point on the call I started to tear up, because I couldn’t help myself. I had imagined in my head that K had finally called. That he had finally reached out to me. That he finally cared again. Near the end of the call I used K’s prison name”G” and asked if he was in prison. Just in case. And T was like OHHH G?  I know him! I just talked to him last week! Yeah I was on the phone with my friend on the outside and G hopped on and was saying things like how he got off parole in March etc. I was like yeah I know, you don’t have to tell me. Then T goes on to describe K/G.  “He’s a black guy? Stocky, bald, chest tattoo?” And I’m like trust me you don’t need to describe him to me. At that time I’m just angry. Angry that some fucking train hasn’t run him over. Angry that he’s calling everyone but me. Angry he’s chatting up people on the phone who barely know him, but not calling me. Pissed off that his words to me mean nothing to him. Frustrated that I can’t trust anything he’s said, even though those words were all that I’ve been holding onto for months now. Which means I have nothing left.

And that’s when I started getting emotional on the phone. It’s also when the time on our call was up.

But T called back. He wanted to make sure I was ok. I explained that I had just gotten my hopes up based on how the first call yesterday went.  T was saying that if G called again he could let him know about this, and I’m like PLEASE NO! He doesn’t need to know. He has my number, I have his. We’re well acquainted. If K/G had wanted to call, he would’ve. So then T is like well do you mind if I call sometimes? This has been one of the best, most real conversations I’ve had while locked up, and you seem like a chill girl, I’d like to get to know you more.

We had talked about his girl who has a new man and he wanted to win her back, I told him to move on, since she obviously had, and she wasn’t worth it. I told him to not fuck up his next chance once he got out etc. I literally have no clue who this dude is, but he’s getting out of prison next week and sounded like he wanted a chat, and I had nothing to do at the moment, so why not. We talked about what he was in for and his plans for the future. We talked about a lot of things.

In fact to be honest, I haven’t had a half decent chat like that since K and I used to talk every night. So I told him I wouldn’t mind if he called sometimes. But at the moment I just needed to end the call because I needed to cry. A lot. He tried to talk to me and say I seemed like a really cool girl, and whatever was going on I don’t deserve. I told him that it wasn’t his issue to try to solve, and he was saying I know, but when a woman cries a man should be there for her. Which just made me feel even more emotional. So I told him thanks for the call. Don’t fuck up when you get out. And I had to hang up.

Because a man should be there for a woman when she cries. At the very least he shouldn’t be the only reason she continually cries.

What are the odds that my world continually throws K back in my face, without actually letting my face see K?


-Benny Blanco Ft. Halsey and Khalid/Eastside-

Who You Know Drip Like This? Who You Know Built Like This? I’m Poppin’ Shit Like A Dude

I finally went to the gym.

I was going to say I finally joined a gym here, but that would be misleading considering I signed up about, ohhhh 2-3 weeks ago, lol.

But life happened and I was lazy and etc etc etc, so I finally got my act together and yesterday was the day. At first it was put off because when I initially signed up, I forget to bring my VOID cheque/Direct withdrawal info, so I figured I’d just bring it the following week. Then my seizure happened which pretty much put me flat out for a week as far as body movements. So, here we are. No more excuses. Oh I’m sure I could’ve thought of plenty, but when I got down to the nitty gritty, I realized I’ve regained about 10-12 lbs from my lowest and I really just have nothing better to do.

So I found myself at the front desk of the cheapest gym I could find here.

The guy at the front was a dud.  Not a dude. I mean a dud, like how in the heck did you ever get employed here dud. He was thee least helpful person I’ve ever met in any establishment. Ever. Plus on top of that went on to make chauvinistic comments. Once all the “paperwork” was done, he was just like “OK”… and I”m like….. Soooooooooo where do I go? Is there any tour? Do I get even like a simply one page brochure to introduce me around? And all I got was “The women’s change rooms are past the lockers, turn right,  go upstairs. That’s where you’ll wanna work out, in the women’s section upstairs”

“Ummm excuse me buddy, but I could probably bench more than you and your noodle arms and I haven’t stepped foot in a gym in about 2-3 months. Minus the time 2 weeks ago when I started the sign up process and forgot my cheque. So quit with the fake manly macho shit, and try just being a decent kind human being for once.” Is what I wanted to say, but instead I decided to be the bigger person and went past the lockers, turned right, went upstairs and changed….and then decided to work out in the women’s section anyways lol.

I just figured it was up there and convenient and empty, also since I haven’t been for a work out in so long it’d be a good way to ease me back in to the swing of things. I just hated that guy being right, but I also knew deep down, it’s was only a temporary thing and in no time I’ll be out on the floor. Once I can move my legs again that is.

I seriously could barely walk up and down the stairs at work today it was amazing. I had to do that slow bend to sit/stand from the toilet. It’s like they’re so stiff and you just know you worked them hard and got moving, pushing weights again… ahhh I love it. I’m not a big fan of cardio and shit. I mean I do it for a quick warm up and then stretch, but then I like to hit the weights. Hard. It feels more productive, like something is actually happening. And I can see results. When I stopped going when we moved here, I had muscles that I didn’t know existed. Sure my legs were bigger and bulkier than average, but I knew they could press hundreds of pounds so it didn’t bother me.  And now, back at the gym, I remember the feeling that it took to get muscle like that.

Anyways, it just felt good to get into the gym. Into the ladies section lol, and moving again. Remembering what I can do. Throwing on the headphones, blasting the music and just having fun as me.

So I’ll definitely be back there tomorrow.

Even if it’s only in the women’s section.


-Cardi B ft. 21 Savage/Bartier Cardi

So I Hit Her In Her DM All Eyes / It Goes Down In The DM

Tonight was a “Meet and Greet” BBQ at the kids school. They did it all by donation to raise funds for bus rides on field trips and playground equipment etc. But also it was a good way for new families to meet each other, as well as old friends to reconnect over the summer.

At least that’s the premise of it.

It was to run from 4:30-6:30 so by the time I got off work and crossed the bridge, and gathered my offspring from day care to finally saunter over it was edging close to 5:00 (giving you a glimpse of how stressful our standard dinner-bedtime times must be). So once we got there, and found parking, we managed to find the start of the line.

That’s when I found the donation pail. I had Little E drop our $20 in the bucket which was right by the pile of plates, which were of course being handed out one by one by a couple of ladies. So obviously all the “donations” are being judged by their very watchful eyes. So whatever, I donated $20 for 3 meals. All this, after mind you having to make a special stop at the bank specifically for the cash since I never just have cash on me. Then, the kids did up their burgers and we managed to find a few random seats.

I did get to meet the parents of Little E’s new best friend and get their phone numbers so that was a win. His teachers also made an effort to come over to introduce themselves to me, although I met one of them before the school year started (yeah, he has two, they switch days) and they both made THE comment about what a pleasure he is to have in the classroom and how great he is at reading etc. Probably the same comment they have memorized to say to all the parents attending tonight. It’s what I’d do if I was a teacher and HAD to say something. That, or just keep my mouth shut. Yet another good reason I’m not a teacher. Anyways, after that, Z took me over to her 50+ year old teacher for me to meet. We just happened to be wearing the same shoes, which she didn’t notice, or maybe she did, but she didn’t mention thankfully. Seriously, what are the odds that I haven’t worn these shoes since last fall, and have never once seen anyone with the same pair until today? Note to self, never wear those flats to the kids school again.

And that was about it. Then all the kids went off to play and the food dissipated and I noticed a sad but true trend. One that probably permeates our society as a whole.

For the most part, either each couple, or single parent found their own personal space to watch their own kids play and that was that. The chit chat dwindled. The new introductions slowed down if not halted completely. Even where I was sitting, at one point a kid came near once to sit, and the mom was like “No! Not there, I’m not going to crowd in that tiny space”…. A space that could’ve easily sat 6-8 people… and off they went somewhere else to be in their own bubble.

So I tried on my own to start new conversations with a variety of different people and within TWO minutes or less each of them used the excuse of “where’s my kid/what’s my kid doing?” And off they went in search of their children to get out of talking with someone new. Even though in two cases I literally saw them walk less than 10 feet away to their kid, and then just continued to stand and monitor the child silently from there. But now alone.

Why are we so afraid of making new friends? I mean I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a lot, if any opportunities to meet new people lately (apart from the guys I’ve been meeting and a few new girl friends here and there… not enough for me). And because of my situation I feel like most of the ties I had with people before have been cut or they are strained because of the distance. So here I was trying to make the best of a pre-arranged meet and greet, with no luck. I don’t consider myself a weird person. I can be quite friendly plus I’m witty and easy to get along with. I’m really good at keeping the conversation going. I’m basically my blog in person…. So I guess maybe I am weird, depending on who’s opinion you get lol.

But do these people have a whole arsenal of friends outside of the school/life? Like are they one of those people who have like 6,000 Facebook friends, but in some strange twist of fate they actually talk to/hangout/keep in touch with all of them? Because I’ll be honest, they looked just as lonely and miserable as the next person, except they didn’t seem to want to embrace my offer to talk. And I really honestly and truly don’t know how to start a friendship (especially with a chick, like a real friendship) other than a good ‘ole face to face chat.

Because I’m sure not slidin’ into any of their DM’s at any point.


-Yo Gotti/Down In The DM-

 

Well, It’s A Marvelous Night For A Moondance With The Stars Up Above In Your Eyes A Fantabulous Night To Make Romance ‘Neath The Cover of October Skies

K, fall is actually my favorite season. I’m hoping here, despite the huge amounts of rats I have to deal with (sigh) I’ll get to enjoy it for a longer amount of time. No, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice latte and leggings with those awfully popular uggs (I know they’re super comfy… I own a knock off pair). I like it because of the temperature for starters. It’s crisp. So it’s perfect sweater/ cardigan / jean / boot weather. Which is basically my entire closet. It means morning lattes are justified and evening wine by the fire is basically a requirement. But it also means that we don’t freeze our tits off walking the two steps to the car in 60 feet of snow and minus gazillion degrees weather. Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick.

But I also love the change of the leaves. You could sit outside for an afternoon and quite literally watch the leaves on a tree go from my favorite deep emerald green, to shades of orange, red, yellow and brown. Basically you watch them die, yet they still emit life through their color and ability to cling to the tree for just that little bit longer. It’s fascinating really. The beauty of it all. Not to mention the sheer and utter satisfaction I get in walking through the gutters or any other large gathering of freshly fallen crisp leaves to hear the crunch they give. So pleasing.

Then there’s the smells. It’s crisp. Not fresh like spring, but if you could smell temperature, well… obviously you can lol because fall smells sharp. It brings a chill to your nose, and awakens your brain with the coolness of it all.

Everything, everything about fall I love.

Of course it helps that the kids are back in school and I have my Fridays back to myself again lol.


-Michael Buble/Moondance-

I Am Driven By Hunger, So Saddened To Be Thieving In Darkness; I Know You’re Not Pleased But Nothing Worth Eating Is Free

I hate BC.

I sent my kids to play outside today, because the weather was nice, yes. But thirty seconds later Z came inside to say there was a dead rat in the yard.

Oh HELLLLLL NOOOOOO!

I was like are you sure? You didn’t touch it, did you? Don’t touch it! What did you say it was? Are you sure? So she repeats herself, saying quite clearly, that there was a dead rat in the yard. So I’m hoping with everything inside me that she’s mistaking a pile of leaves or something for a dead animal, but I know my mind won’t be set at ease until I go out to take a look. So I very slowly, carefully and full of hesitation head outside to investigate these absurd allegations.

Well unfortunately, they turned out to be very true. No false media here. A very dead rat with a very ugly long tail with very real wasps buzzing around it. So now I find myself Googling if rat’s eat their dead. Mainly because I don’t want to have to clean it up, or deal with it in any way, so I’m hoping nature will just do it’s thing and a bird will come eat it or something. But I’m concerned if I don’t deal with it, then it might attract other rats… Not ideal in any fashion.

So after a little bit of research, basically I’m left with conflicting information as well as the hilarious irony that I’m schooling you guys on rats lol. So for the most part after my quick search, I’ve learned that if the rat is already dead, it’s family members might eat it in order to clean up the body and prevent other predators from being attracted to the area. So basically it’s done for their own survival. What I’m unclear on though, is how far they will go to protect themselves. Will they search out the body, Ratatouille style, until they know what happened to it? Like should I leave it alone out in the yard, where I’ve left it for now, let them do their thing, so as to not begin a mass rat hunt that may lead them into my house in search of their missing link? Or should I clean it up (vomit in my mouth) to avoid potentially drawing more rats to the area anyways?

I honestly see this as a lose/lose situation, because everyone knows where there’s one there’s more. I’m just trying to proceed as best as possible to ensure that the “more” don’t end up in my house.

So any advice is more than welcome!

And no. Putting my house up for sale is not an option. Unfortunately.


-Camille/Le Festin (Ratatuille Theme song)

It All Just Goes To Show How Nothing I Know Changes Me At All Again I Wait For This To Change Instead

So I went for my appointment today to see if I could get any help for my financial situation.

I really don’ know what I was expecting to be honest, but in the end it was a let down. I mean what did I think was going to happen? $100,000.00 cash in hand and away I went debt/loan free? Well I can assure you that is most definitely not how it went down.

I showed up and filled out a few forms and then started my “interview.” The first question she asked me was the one I knew would get me shut down, Oh wait, the second one. First, was do I have my own transportation, which yes I do, and that didn’t help matters when I moved here and had to invest over $4,000 grand into my “own transportation” to get it BC road worthy and insured. Anyways, moving on to the question I was dreading was do I have a job, and how much do I make. So I had to spill the beans and explain the awkwardness of the fact that, yes, I do have a job. A well paying job. Which is mainly why I’m in this situation in the first place.

My “well paying job” relocated this summer and basically fucked me over royally financially.  I lost thousands of dollars and all my savings selling my house and paying out the mortgage plus purchasing here. I racked up major debt because of the relocation and getting settled, and now I have zero dollars to my name except a maxed out credit card and debts of close to $15,000 to my parents, $6,000 to legal aid, an ever growing lawyers bill due to the ever growing number of hours E continues to demand on that front. Basically, I’m just trying to stay above board for a little bit until I can get my situation more settled.

So, because I’m not actually, technically poor on paper, all she was able to help me with was a list of places like the Salvation Army and the Food Bank, where I can go if I need…because as she kept repeating, the Food Bank can’t turn away anyone.

Not really as beneficial as I was hoping for… but not the end of the world I suppose.

I guess I’m just frustrated I haven’t won the lottery yet.

Don’t worry, I don’t spend what little money I have on the lottery lol.


-Blink 182/All Of This-

Actin All New To Me I Creep On You Like Puberty / The Struggle Continues I’ll Miss You

Little E just casually informed me he spotted some hair “down there” and pointed to his crotch.

No, this isn’t something that I ask him abut often, therefore he felt the need to inform me. However about 2 weeks ago we pulled out a book I got him a while back (I think I blogged about it…not sure) about what to expect when you go through puberty as a boy.  I remember thinking that I, being 100% female, in case you weren’t aware, had literally no clue what happens when a male body goes from boy to man.

I grew up in a house with myself, two sisters, my mom, and a fairly absent dad. At least not a dad who we discussed our changing bodies with. I didn’t kiss a guy, like really kiss a guy until high school and it went straight from kiss to like 3rd base, and yeah, he was pretty developed. I lost my virginity at 19 to a guy who was 28. E’ll be 39 next year. Like all I’m saying is I have ZERO experience with the male species before or heck even during, puberty.

Thus, the reason I got Little E a book on it. I just wanted to be prepared and have answers to questions, as well as have knowledge for situations that might not even have been a question, had the book not bought up the topic.  I remember browsing Indigo for a solid 20 minutes in the pre-teen section, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of options in this category. I didn’t want to get a book that would overwhelm HIM, but I didn’t want to get a book that left out important details that I wouldn’t have answers to. I wanted him to be prepared, but not scared, confident but not loose all innocence. I think the one mistake I made, was that I gave it to him a little to early. We read it together to start, which was something I offered and he liked the idea of bonding through “story” (oh kids, so naive), but we stopped after the first maybe 2 chapters, because things just weren’t applicable to him and he was loosing interest at the time.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, when he was organizing his books one day and decided that because he’s 8 now, the things would apply more. One thing he had learned in those 2 chapters was that puberty can start anywhere between ages 8-12 lol. Anyways we started from the beginning again, stopping often to discuss more things, since he now had more questions and him interjecting where his life experiences now applied.

I learned all about how he’s already experienced erections (something I already assumed based on the sounds I hear coming from his room), as well as how he thinks his “pits” stink.

On the one hand, I’m glad he’s comfortable talking to me about EVERYTHING so easily. On the other hand, as a mother, I wish I never had to know certain things about my own sons body.

EVER.

But I had to also be mature about it. So when he asked what was an erection and we read about it, and he exclaimed “Oh I’ve had that when it gets strong and hard and stands up, and then you just have to wait until it goes back down”? I had to say yes without asking for any more information, and that of course every guy gets them. But then of course the book starts discussing wet dreams, which Little E didn’t quite understand, so I don’t think he’s experienced yet. I tried to explain more so that when he does potentially have one, he’s not embarrassed, and at least has an understanding of what’s happening to his body. Well, that, and he’ll know how to clean it up by himself lol.

So now he’s announced that he’s discovered hair “down there” as he puts it. And I’m just like “Oh good for you” “You’re growing up now” “That’s exciting” “Just like the book said” “Yeah, and now we know it’ll be in coming soon in so many other places too” “How do you feel”

I need to grow up.

In any case, I think now at 8 years old, Little E is more than ready for the book on puberty. It’s me at 30 who’s too immature.


-2Pac, Thug Life, Outlawz/M.O.B.-

Freedom! Where Are You? Cause I Need Freedom Too! I Break Chains All By Myself Won’t Let My Freedom Rot In Hell

Things are looking up. Way up.

I honestly hardly slept at all last night, for various reasons, but the thought of the court date today was a large component in keeping me up.

I haven’t been this excited/anxious/nervous what have you, for anything in… well I honestly can’t remember anything keeping me up like this except Christmas as a little girl. Not my wedding night. Not giving birth. Like literally nothing has given me the anticipation that this day did ever.

Today at work I was hardly productive. I kept checking the time, and comparing it to the time difference to where the court date was. Calculating in my head how long should my lawyer take before I would hear from him. Would I hear from him? What if it was bad news? What if there was no new? Fuck, what if E showed up somehow and messed up everything? Like, I just couldn’t work today, my thoughts were so distracted.

Finally just after 2:00pm I got an email from my lawyer, and I didn’t read it right away. I took a minute to compose myself. Reminding myself that nothing was set in stone, and it could still go one of two ways. Well it could go any way imaginable, but not to assume it was going to go the way I wanted it to, considering things with E never have.

So then when I finally opened the email, I could’ve cried (probably not but you get my excitement level), but my boss was standing right there, so instead I read it out loud. Yeah, my boss knows way to much about my personal life, but that’s what happens when there’s only 3 of you guys in the entire company and you relocate provinces together.

Anyways, word for word, here’s the email from my lawyer.

“C.

We were successful  in obtaining an order to sever the corollary relief today. We also obtained an order giving you primary parenting and day to day decision making for the children as well as child support in the amount based on an income of $XX,XXX per year.

We are going to draft the divorce documents. We will be in touch in due course as to what needs to be done in order to finalize this.

We’re almost done!”

I. Was. So. Happy. I literally didn’t know what to do. I think I’ve re-read it 4 times since, just to make sure it’s not a dream. Yes, there’s still a little bit of work to be done, but this is more progress in one day than what’s been made in 4.5 years.

I can move without E having anything to do with it, as it should be. I can file for maintenance enforcement, and the kids can live a much better quality of life, and soon, officially, I can say I’m divorced. I feel such relief that I don’t even know how to put it into words.

And yeah, now I’ve started crying as I write this. Because that man had such a hold on my life. I felt like I couldn’t be happy, and this just feels like such a break through. I feel like I can start living now. No clue where or how to start, but I can start really living.

You guys, it’s like after over 4 YEARS of this burden, I might actually have been set free. The whole premise and reason I started this blog was to relieve the weight of E, to tell my story in my own words, and maybe find love again.

So maybe, I’m on my way.


-Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar/Freedom-

That’s The Price You Pay Leave Behind Your Heartache, Cast Away Just Another Product Of Today

You guys, I can’t stop myself from getting a teeny bit excited for this week. That’s a lie. I’ve been thinking of it more and more since I started posting again.

I could be free and clear of E by Wednesday!

This Wednesday!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHH!

I should know by now not to put the carriage in front of the horse, but I can’t help but think this might actually be it. I might ACTUALLY be divorced by the end of this week. I’m beyond excited. Too excited. I’m probably setting myself up for a big disappointment, but at this point, I don’t see how. Although that’s probably how it’ll happen, when I don’t see any other way. Imma choose to focus on a good (for me) outcome.

He called me today for the first time in weeks. He asked if the kids were in school (of course they are, what kind of mother would I be if they weren’t?) and since they were, there was nothing to talk about since we don’t “chat.” I asked him if he had been released from the hospital and he told me he got out 4 days ago. Yeah, 4 days ago and he finally called to talk to the kids… whatever, some people never change.

Anyways, he didn’t sound like he had any clue about the court date. I didn’t mention it. I just kept thinking how in the world I put up with this man and his stupidity for so long. I literally must be the most patient woman in the entire universe. I asked him again to send me his medical records, which my lawyer asked for months ago for our files, and I’ve only asked for about a dozen times since. He told me he only has written copies but he would take some pictures on his phone and send them right over. I’ve yet to get them and the call was a couple of hours ago, story of my life.

So instead after we hung up, I pulled up the email from my lawyer to confirm just what exactly he is asking for in court on Wednesday, just to get everything straight in my head.

He’s asked for an order granting me primary residence of the kids (obviously). An order for child support based on E’s last filed taxes (2016 I think). An order for corollary relief, meaning his “right” to my property will be gone. Then, a simple desk divorce without his consent based on his mental health and inability to sign, and finally costs, since he’s been the one delaying things and causing my lawyer fees to rack up over the years.

Seems pretty damn amazing hey? If an order for child support is granted, then I can file for maintenance enforcement, which is a program that will garnish his wages or whatever benefits he is receiving (for his health) and pay me first for the kids, which is so needed because I’m broke as a joke right now, and I hate having to ask E to do his fucking job and send money to support his own kids. It’s humiliating and demeaning, but with back to school etc, I need a little more than normal.

So over the weekend I sucked up my pride and sent an email to a support service here in the city to see if they could provide the kids and I with some services. I’m meeting with a social worker on Friday to see what programs are available. I never thought I’d have to accept help from a program like this before, but I don’t want my kids to go without, so it is what it is.

And hopefully it can be what it is with the title of divorced hanging above my name.

Wishing for the best.


-Imagine Dragons/Natural-

We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

I remember Kindergarten.

Correction. I remember exactly one lunch recess where I was playing tag and pushed a boy off some wooden play structure. He ended up breaking his arm… my bad. But I distinctly remember when my red curly-haired teacher who was on supervision carried him from the playground to the office and it was in that moment I thought she was the strongest person I knew and I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I was in awe that someone carried a kid my age, because I obviously didn’t get held much at home anymore, but also that a relative stranger would so easily embrace someone else’s child. I never thought it was possible, yet I thought it was so beautiful.

Things have changed by now. Oh I went after high school and started University to get my teaching degree. But I sucked at it. Actually I just no longer cared. I skipped 60% of my classes and didn’t turn in a single assignment. I was put on academic probation my first year (which I told my mom was due to my seizures, actually she pretty much thought that up all on her own and I just went with it). Part of that was maybe true, but more honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was only doing it because I felt it was “the right thing” Not the right thing as in it felt right, but the right thing as in I’d been telling everyone I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was like 6 years old so I’d only be lying to myself if I changed it after so long.

But is it fair to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you’re a child? And then to be held to that standard because “Oh you’d be such a good teacher” and “well you’ve always wanted to be a teacher” were phrases you’d been hearing for the better part of a dozen years? Only to realize 3/4 of the way through my degree, that I would be a terrible teacher.

I would be fine if it actually came down to it, I mean I could do anything, let’s be honest. But I just really, really, really didn’t want to do it anymore. So here I was 3 years out of a 4 year degree under my belt, that had taken me about 6 years to get this far, between saving for school and marriage and travel etc, and I decided I was done trying.

Probably for the best.

All those little kids are better off with all those kind, caring, thoughtful teachers anyways.

So I quit. It may have seemed like marriage was the issue. Or becoming a mom was the reason. And it was a major reason. A major excuse in the very least. Once I had my own kids I became more honest with myself in that I really didn’t want to teach other kids all day and then come home and still have more left of me to give to my own kids. I think I was looking for a reason to quit and my kids and my life situation in leaving E gave me that. It gave me a reason to start fresh.

It gave me a chance to start school again. And find a career that makes good money yeah, but I’m still not feeling fulfilled.

It’s hard to take risks when I have two little kids depending on me. Not that I know what risk I would take if I could, but I’m just saying I kinda feel like I’m in the same rut I was in after high school. I’m just doing what I’m doing because it was what was “best” for me. It seemed “smartest”. It seemed like the “right” move. But I don’t know if I’m being authentically C.

I don’t feel happy.

I feel like this life was chosen for me when I was a child and I’m just going along with the flow. But I don’t want to anymore.

If I was more honest. More true to me, I would say I want to travel. I want to write. Books. Music for others. I want to remain nameless. I never want to be famous. I want to be happy. I don’t want to work under anyone, but I want to have freedom in my expression. But I’m scared. Because those steps don’t seem easy. The steps to be that person haven’t been planned out since I was a kid so I don’t know how to start it now. It doesn’t seem like “the Plan”

So I’m nervous and scared.

Lazy and very unsure of what to do to become the person I think is the true C.

Because I’ve never been her before. So what if I fail?

What if the steps I take are wrong and instead of becoming a more successful version of me, I fail and therefore I’m further back than I am now? I’m not that person. I don’t take those risks. I’m the type of person who follows plans I made when I was 6…. just because plans are plans, and I don’t know how to deviate from that.

What if I make new plans and become even more unlovable than I am now?

That’s my greatest fear.

To make new plans that fuck up my life even more than it already is. Because I’m barely holding on as is.


Eminem/Stepping Stone