Have Old Friends And Know Our Enemies Now I-, I’m thinking Back To When I Was Young Back To The Day When I Was Falling In Love

So I got a call from prison this week. Not the prison officials themselves, but a guy on the inside.

My obvious first instinct when I heard the recording “An inmate from so and so is trying to call you press 1 to accept the call” was that it was K, and that something had happened and he was locked up again.

So I pressed 1.

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello, this is J, is this Beyonce?

Me: What? No.

Them: Oh my friend gave me this number to call to talk to Beyonce, is that you?

Now, I’m actually concerned that K is back in prison and is in bigger trouble than I first thought because he can’t even make his own phone calls, and has to somehow send some other guy to call me using the stupid nicknames that they always use.

Me: Is he OK?

Them: Yeah, yeah, he’s getting out next week. What’s your name?

Me: You’re the one who called me. What do you want? Whats your name again?

And then the call got weird, he kept asking me to describe the friend who sent him, or give my name, and I was high and didn’t want to give away anything that might possible harm K in any way especially if for some reason he couldn’t call me himself. Like why was he sending some random guy to call? Was he tryna let me know something? Anyways, the guy who by the end of the phone call had given me a second name (what is it with criminals and multiple names?) assured me the friend who gave him my number was good and was getting out next week. And then we hung up.

I was left with far more questions than answers.

Is this why K hadn’t called? What stupid thing had he done that had sent him back? Why didn’t he call me himself? Was he in seg? Did he just get in? How could he be getting out next week? If he was ok, why didn’t he call himself instead of giving my number to someone else? Why do I still care so much? Ok that one wasn’t really a question because I know I still love him, but I’m trying to move on. But all the other ones were legitimately boggling my mind.

The next day, Thursday, I got another call from the prison that helped clear things up… unfortunately.

It was the friend who had sent the first caller. And it was not K.

Most of me was instantly relieved that K was not back in. But also, I was heartbroken that K had still not reached out to me in any capacity. Pissed and emotional to be more precise.

All I could think were what are the odds that anyone else would call me from the SAME lock up that K used to be in? Once the guy on the phone tried to explain to me what happened, which apparently my number and the girl they were trying to reach… Our phone numbers were 1 digit off, and the original caller had misread 2 for 3 or something like that.

Anyways, it fucked with me.

All the chances of all this happening? The second guy, T, kept trying to dig around on the call, figure out my name and what had happened on the first call. I was just so overwhelmed with disappointment that at one point on the call I started to tear up, because I couldn’t help myself. I had imagined in my head that K had finally called. That he had finally reached out to me. That he finally cared again. Near the end of the call I used K’s prison name”G” and asked if he was in prison. Just in case. And T was like OHHH G?  I know him! I just talked to him last week! Yeah I was on the phone with my friend on the outside and G hopped on and was saying things like how he got off parole in March etc. I was like yeah I know, you don’t have to tell me. Then T goes on to describe K/G.  “He’s a black guy? Stocky, bald, chest tattoo?” And I’m like trust me you don’t need to describe him to me. At that time I’m just angry. Angry that some fucking train hasn’t run him over. Angry that he’s calling everyone but me. Angry he’s chatting up people on the phone who barely know him, but not calling me. Pissed off that his words to me mean nothing to him. Frustrated that I can’t trust anything he’s said, even though those words were all that I’ve been holding onto for months now. Which means I have nothing left.

And that’s when I started getting emotional on the phone. It’s also when the time on our call was up.

But T called back. He wanted to make sure I was ok. I explained that I had just gotten my hopes up based on how the first call yesterday went.  T was saying that if G called again he could let him know about this, and I’m like PLEASE NO! He doesn’t need to know. He has my number, I have his. We’re well acquainted. If K/G had wanted to call, he would’ve. So then T is like well do you mind if I call sometimes? This has been one of the best, most real conversations I’ve had while locked up, and you seem like a chill girl, I’d like to get to know you more.

We had talked about his girl who has a new man and he wanted to win her back, I told him to move on, since she obviously had, and she wasn’t worth it. I told him to not fuck up his next chance once he got out etc. I literally have no clue who this dude is, but he’s getting out of prison next week and sounded like he wanted a chat, and I had nothing to do at the moment, so why not. We talked about what he was in for and his plans for the future. We talked about a lot of things.

In fact to be honest, I haven’t had a half decent chat like that since K and I used to talk every night. So I told him I wouldn’t mind if he called sometimes. But at the moment I just needed to end the call because I needed to cry. A lot. He tried to talk to me and say I seemed like a really cool girl, and whatever was going on I don’t deserve. I told him that it wasn’t his issue to try to solve, and he was saying I know, but when a woman cries a man should be there for her. Which just made me feel even more emotional. So I told him thanks for the call. Don’t fuck up when you get out. And I had to hang up.

Because a man should be there for a woman when she cries. At the very least he shouldn’t be the only reason she continually cries.

What are the odds that my world continually throws K back in my face, without actually letting my face see K?


-Benny Blanco Ft. Halsey and Khalid/Eastside-

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Who You Know Drip Like This? Who You Know Built Like This? I’m Poppin’ Shit Like A Dude

I finally went to the gym.

I was going to say I finally joined a gym here, but that would be misleading considering I signed up about, ohhhh 2-3 weeks ago, lol.

But life happened and I was lazy and etc etc etc, so I finally got my act together and yesterday was the day. At first it was put off because when I initially signed up, I forget to bring my VOID cheque/Direct withdrawal info, so I figured I’d just bring it the following week. Then my seizure happened which pretty much put me flat out for a week as far as body movements. So, here we are. No more excuses. Oh I’m sure I could’ve thought of plenty, but when I got down to the nitty gritty, I realized I’ve regained about 10-12 lbs from my lowest and I really just have nothing better to do.

So I found myself at the front desk of the cheapest gym I could find here.

The guy at the front was a dud.  Not a dude. I mean a dud, like how in the heck did you ever get employed here dud. He was thee least helpful person I’ve ever met in any establishment. Ever. Plus on top of that went on to make chauvinistic comments. Once all the “paperwork” was done, he was just like “OK”… and I”m like….. Soooooooooo where do I go? Is there any tour? Do I get even like a simply one page brochure to introduce me around? And all I got was “The women’s change rooms are past the lockers, turn right,  go upstairs. That’s where you’ll wanna work out, in the women’s section upstairs”

“Ummm excuse me buddy, but I could probably bench more than you and your noodle arms and I haven’t stepped foot in a gym in about 2-3 months. Minus the time 2 weeks ago when I started the sign up process and forgot my cheque. So quit with the fake manly macho shit, and try just being a decent kind human being for once.” Is what I wanted to say, but instead I decided to be the bigger person and went past the lockers, turned right, went upstairs and changed….and then decided to work out in the women’s section anyways lol.

I just figured it was up there and convenient and empty, also since I haven’t been for a work out in so long it’d be a good way to ease me back in to the swing of things. I just hated that guy being right, but I also knew deep down, it’s was only a temporary thing and in no time I’ll be out on the floor. Once I can move my legs again that is.

I seriously could barely walk up and down the stairs at work today it was amazing. I had to do that slow bend to sit/stand from the toilet. It’s like they’re so stiff and you just know you worked them hard and got moving, pushing weights again… ahhh I love it. I’m not a big fan of cardio and shit. I mean I do it for a quick warm up and then stretch, but then I like to hit the weights. Hard. It feels more productive, like something is actually happening. And I can see results. When I stopped going when we moved here, I had muscles that I didn’t know existed. Sure my legs were bigger and bulkier than average, but I knew they could press hundreds of pounds so it didn’t bother me.  And now, back at the gym, I remember the feeling that it took to get muscle like that.

Anyways, it just felt good to get into the gym. Into the ladies section lol, and moving again. Remembering what I can do. Throwing on the headphones, blasting the music and just having fun as me.

So I’ll definitely be back there tomorrow.

Even if it’s only in the women’s section.


-Cardi B ft. 21 Savage/Bartier Cardi

So I Hit Her In Her DM All Eyes / It Goes Down In The DM

Tonight was a “Meet and Greet” BBQ at the kids school. They did it all by donation to raise funds for bus rides on field trips and playground equipment etc. But also it was a good way for new families to meet each other, as well as old friends to reconnect over the summer.

At least that’s the premise of it.

It was to run from 4:30-6:30 so by the time I got off work and crossed the bridge, and gathered my offspring from day care to finally saunter over it was edging close to 5:00 (giving you a glimpse of how stressful our standard dinner-bedtime times must be). So once we got there, and found parking, we managed to find the start of the line.

That’s when I found the donation pail. I had Little E drop our $20 in the bucket which was right by the pile of plates, which were of course being handed out one by one by a couple of ladies. So obviously all the “donations” are being judged by their very watchful eyes. So whatever, I donated $20 for 3 meals. All this, after mind you having to make a special stop at the bank specifically for the cash since I never just have cash on me. Then, the kids did up their burgers and we managed to find a few random seats.

I did get to meet the parents of Little E’s new best friend and get their phone numbers so that was a win. His teachers also made an effort to come over to introduce themselves to me, although I met one of them before the school year started (yeah, he has two, they switch days) and they both made THE comment about what a pleasure he is to have in the classroom and how great he is at reading etc. Probably the same comment they have memorized to say to all the parents attending tonight. It’s what I’d do if I was a teacher and HAD to say something. That, or just keep my mouth shut. Yet another good reason I’m not a teacher. Anyways, after that, Z took me over to her 50+ year old teacher for me to meet. We just happened to be wearing the same shoes, which she didn’t notice, or maybe she did, but she didn’t mention thankfully. Seriously, what are the odds that I haven’t worn these shoes since last fall, and have never once seen anyone with the same pair until today? Note to self, never wear those flats to the kids school again.

And that was about it. Then all the kids went off to play and the food dissipated and I noticed a sad but true trend. One that probably permeates our society as a whole.

For the most part, either each couple, or single parent found their own personal space to watch their own kids play and that was that. The chit chat dwindled. The new introductions slowed down if not halted completely. Even where I was sitting, at one point a kid came near once to sit, and the mom was like “No! Not there, I’m not going to crowd in that tiny space”…. A space that could’ve easily sat 6-8 people… and off they went somewhere else to be in their own bubble.

So I tried on my own to start new conversations with a variety of different people and within TWO minutes or less each of them used the excuse of “where’s my kid/what’s my kid doing?” And off they went in search of their children to get out of talking with someone new. Even though in two cases I literally saw them walk less than 10 feet away to their kid, and then just continued to stand and monitor the child silently from there. But now alone.

Why are we so afraid of making new friends? I mean I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a lot, if any opportunities to meet new people lately (apart from the guys I’ve been meeting and a few new girl friends here and there… not enough for me). And because of my situation I feel like most of the ties I had with people before have been cut or they are strained because of the distance. So here I was trying to make the best of a pre-arranged meet and greet, with no luck. I don’t consider myself a weird person. I can be quite friendly plus I’m witty and easy to get along with. I’m really good at keeping the conversation going. I’m basically my blog in person…. So I guess maybe I am weird, depending on who’s opinion you get lol.

But do these people have a whole arsenal of friends outside of the school/life? Like are they one of those people who have like 6,000 Facebook friends, but in some strange twist of fate they actually talk to/hangout/keep in touch with all of them? Because I’ll be honest, they looked just as lonely and miserable as the next person, except they didn’t seem to want to embrace my offer to talk. And I really honestly and truly don’t know how to start a friendship (especially with a chick, like a real friendship) other than a good ‘ole face to face chat.

Because I’m sure not slidin’ into any of their DM’s at any point.


-Yo Gotti/Down In The DM-

 

Well, It’s A Marvelous Night For A Moondance With The Stars Up Above In Your Eyes A Fantabulous Night To Make Romance ‘Neath The Cover of October Skies

K, fall is actually my favorite season. I’m hoping here, despite the huge amounts of rats I have to deal with (sigh) I’ll get to enjoy it for a longer amount of time. No, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice latte and leggings with those awfully popular uggs (I know they’re super comfy… I own a knock off pair). I like it because of the temperature for starters. It’s crisp. So it’s perfect sweater/ cardigan / jean / boot weather. Which is basically my entire closet. It means morning lattes are justified and evening wine by the fire is basically a requirement. But it also means that we don’t freeze our tits off walking the two steps to the car in 60 feet of snow and minus gazillion degrees weather. Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick.

But I also love the change of the leaves. You could sit outside for an afternoon and quite literally watch the leaves on a tree go from my favorite deep emerald green, to shades of orange, red, yellow and brown. Basically you watch them die, yet they still emit life through their color and ability to cling to the tree for just that little bit longer. It’s fascinating really. The beauty of it all. Not to mention the sheer and utter satisfaction I get in walking through the gutters or any other large gathering of freshly fallen crisp leaves to hear the crunch they give. So pleasing.

Then there’s the smells. It’s crisp. Not fresh like spring, but if you could smell temperature, well… obviously you can lol because fall smells sharp. It brings a chill to your nose, and awakens your brain with the coolness of it all.

Everything, everything about fall I love.

Of course it helps that the kids are back in school and I have my Fridays back to myself again lol.


-Michael Buble/Moondance-

I Am Driven By Hunger, So Saddened To Be Thieving In Darkness; I Know You’re Not Pleased But Nothing Worth Eating Is Free

I hate BC.

I sent my kids to play outside today, because the weather was nice, yes. But thirty seconds later Z came inside to say there was a dead rat in the yard.

Oh HELLLLLL NOOOOOO!

I was like are you sure? You didn’t touch it, did you? Don’t touch it! What did you say it was? Are you sure? So she repeats herself, saying quite clearly, that there was a dead rat in the yard. So I’m hoping with everything inside me that she’s mistaking a pile of leaves or something for a dead animal, but I know my mind won’t be set at ease until I go out to take a look. So I very slowly, carefully and full of hesitation head outside to investigate these absurd allegations.

Well unfortunately, they turned out to be very true. No false media here. A very dead rat with a very ugly long tail with very real wasps buzzing around it. So now I find myself Googling if rat’s eat their dead. Mainly because I don’t want to have to clean it up, or deal with it in any way, so I’m hoping nature will just do it’s thing and a bird will come eat it or something. But I’m concerned if I don’t deal with it, then it might attract other rats… Not ideal in any fashion.

So after a little bit of research, basically I’m left with conflicting information as well as the hilarious irony that I’m schooling you guys on rats lol. So for the most part after my quick search, I’ve learned that if the rat is already dead, it’s family members might eat it in order to clean up the body and prevent other predators from being attracted to the area. So basically it’s done for their own survival. What I’m unclear on though, is how far they will go to protect themselves. Will they search out the body, Ratatouille style, until they know what happened to it? Like should I leave it alone out in the yard, where I’ve left it for now, let them do their thing, so as to not begin a mass rat hunt that may lead them into my house in search of their missing link? Or should I clean it up (vomit in my mouth) to avoid potentially drawing more rats to the area anyways?

I honestly see this as a lose/lose situation, because everyone knows where there’s one there’s more. I’m just trying to proceed as best as possible to ensure that the “more” don’t end up in my house.

So any advice is more than welcome!

And no. Putting my house up for sale is not an option. Unfortunately.


-Camille/Le Festin (Ratatuille Theme song)