I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m in total ‘fuck it’ mode***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favourite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourself”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convice someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 😦  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.


-Drake/Emotionless-

Mama Said Fulfill The Prophecy Be Something Greater Go Make A Legacy Manifest Destiny

So I’m currently writing this as I indulge in my new favorite hobby. Sun tanning nude from the comfort of my bedroom. Really, could it get better than this? I have a door that leads outside off my master bedroom, and every evening between 4-8-ish the sun shines right on the floor in my room if the door is open, so I figure what better way to enjoy it, than to throw down a few pillows and blanket and throw off the clothes. I just have to remember to put a robe on before I reach outside to grab the handle to close the door, least I give the neighbors more than they bargained for, but so far so good since to date I’ve never seen either neighbor enjoying their backyard, but that’s their loss.

Anyways, I haven’t written about the move yet, because I don’t have internet (that’s a whole frustrating mess, but whatever). So I’m doing this whole blog in my phones ‘notes’ and hopefully I can successfully post it at work tomorrow. But nevertheless the move went good. Well, as good as can be expected.

We set out on the road last Thursday *** Update… I delayed posting by a week, so think two Thursdays/Fridays ago etc…***  and the kids experienced their first hotel that night. They slept great, whereas I got the minimum because Z kept using me as a pillow. Next time she sleeps on the floor, I don’t care how evil that seems. So since we were up early Friday morning due to me being sick of trying to sleep in such an uncomfortable situation, we made great time. Honestly, my kids are excellent road tripping kids, I’d travel with them anytime. No bickering in the backseat, no asking are we there yet. The only thing that got annoying was Z having to pee AT LEAST once every hour. So I just started stopping at pretty much every rest stop I saw in anticipation of it. Problem solved.

Friday we stayed at my aunts in their trailer. It was so cute, she set up everything like a camping experience for the kids, because we all know I’m not the camping type so they won’t get that from me any time soon. My uncle pulled out the firepit and we sat around the fire on collapsible chairs while sitting on her driveway. The kids were in heaven. She also baked/cooked up a bunch for us so we would have some chili and fresh cookies of various kinds to fill our new and very empty cupboards.

On Saturday morning we finally got to go to the new house.


In a weird turn of events, it was bigger than I remembered it. I think after the previous owners got all their unnecessary junk out of it, you could finally see all the space. Space I don’t know what to do with, nor do I have enough things to fill it with. So it’s like a good thing but bad if that makes any sense. It looks so barren and although I have so many ideas of what I could do with the space, I just don’t have the finances, so it’ll remain empty for now.

My aunt, uncle and two cousins each with their sig. O’s came to help move me in and we were done within maybe 2-3 hours. I’m talking bunk beds built and made, furniture assembled, dressers full of clean clothes. All that was left for me to do was the nick-nacky stuff. Deciding where I wanted pictures hung and all that moving in kinda stuff.

By the time Saturday night had rolled around, the kids and I had visited the beach 4 times throughout the day and there was sand everywhere. I guess it’s a small price to pay for living so close to the water. It’s definitely a good trade off for kids who sleep like rocks every night.

Nothing in my storage bin was missing or broken, which I had concerns about. Instead I had some issues with the internet company I was going to use. Turns out while waiting for the setup to come last Monday as I had ordered, they forgot to put the order through. So I decided to cancel with them. I didn’t want to deal with a company that couldn’t get their shit straight from the start. Instead I then ordered a self setup kit through Shaw. It arrived in the mail by last Friday ***real timelines now lol*** and I set it up and called to activate it as the instructions instructed, but it turns out my line is dead and I have to wait until July 11th for someone to physically come to my place and activate the line. So that sucks.

Then, the biggest stressor of all, is the Thursday while I was at work helping to pack up the office for the move, the daycare I had planned to use called me and left a message saying she gave my spots away. My kids were literally supposed to start there in 5 days, and she gave their spots to someone who was starting on Friday, but waited until the last minute to tell me. So now I have to find care for my kids in a couple days, knowing I’ll be on the road for two of them, and moving in between. Not cool.

I did a couple of interviews for nanny’s on Sunday (yes I needed care starting Tuesday) and ended up finding one who so far the kids love. Does she fit my budget? Hell if I know. I haven’t looked at my finances in too long because I know there’s no money there.

That’s a lie. I look everyday, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay her… unless she accepts MasterCard. But I can’t leave my kids home alone all day now can I? And I have to be at work to pay for everything else, so for now it is what it is. It’s just something I have to do, and figure out how to deal with the debt later. Stupid? Yep. But it’s only temporary for the summer, so I’ll just have to push through somehow.

Other than that, as I’m uploading this from my phone, sitting in the new office, with the house mostly set up, I will say that this town is nice. We spend a lot of time at the beach and just relaxing. I know it’s not the most exciting post, but at least you know I’ve arrived safe and in one piece…more or less.

Here’s to living the life we choose for ourselves.


-Panic! At The Disco/High Hopes-