I need to get laid.
Not that it would be hard if I put any effort into it whatsoever, but needing and wanting are two completely different things. Swiping right (or whatever way you swipe to choose yes on the infamous app) would be so easy to produce a one night stand. But I’ve just come to the point in my life where I’m done with that right now.
I’m done with so much fake shit. I can only ask how many siblings a person has so many times before craving something deeper, something real. Then having felt something more real, it’s next to impossible to go back to all that surface crap. Knowing there are guys out there who can legitimately care about other people, makes it hard to go back to your everyday run of the mill man.
Can I take care of myself? Of course, but it’s not the same as being fucked by an actual living, breathing, warm, body. So now I’m at an impasse. I want real sex. But I don’t want to ever have to go through the “meet and greet” stage ever again.
I have also been avoiding blogging about K for a long time because it’s been painful to put closure on. I don’t even know where to start/end this blog.
Let’s just say we are no longer speaking basically. And that hurts me to the point that there are tears in my eyes as I write this. Which is why I’ve been avoiding it. I wanted to pretend if even in my mind that it wasn’t over. But reality is real. And facts are facts.
And those facts are that after one misstep after another, we’re done.
If I could pin-point it to a few crucial moments, it probably started with a horrible misunderstanding back in February. He called me at work one morning and it’s my belief that he had intentions of asking me out to lunch. But of course me in my ways ruined it and made him probably feel less than, which was never my intentions, but that’s what happened. In the end it was wrecked because of me of course. All I had ever wanted from him was for him to ask me out on an actual date. In public. So when the time came, and it was stressful and slightly awkward, trying to make the transition from FWB to an actual ask me on a date, it turned a phone call that could’ve been beautiful into something quite ugly.
The result? No lunch date that’s for sure. Just a string of awful texts and the end of the most important relationship in my life.
Then a couple weeks later as I was dealing with E and suicidal thoughts, I did call K. I felt I had no one else. I happened to catch him at work but he called me back and helped me out of what, he may not have known, but it was a moment of deep suicidal thoughts, something I’ll forever be thankful for. Unfortunately, I made a stupid move and then directed my anger at E.
All my anger. A lot of it. To the point I wanted him done with. And considered doing it myself . I went so far as proceeding to ask K if he had access to some illegal things (not that I could ever do anything, but I was just asking). Yep, I asked a guy who is trying to just finish up his time on parole and become a better person, if he could get me things that could fuck up his parole sooo bad. Not my brightest moment, but at the time seemed to make the most sense to me considering he was the only one I’d ever met who had past experience with that kinda stuff. I was in a dark desperate place for sure, I wasn’t at my finest during that time. Needless to say K wasn’t impressed and made the hella smart move of blocking me…After again cussing me out.
So, that’s where we stand. Apart from once when he called me last week to tell me he’d have some of my stuff for me before I moved this month, I haven’t physically talked to him in months. He needed to make a move that was safe and smart for his future. And I needed to smarten up.
And it’s been sad. For a lack of a better word, it’s been sad in my life.
Trust me, I know fucking a different random guy isn’t going to make this feeling go away, which is why I’m not even going to bother. I’m just saying…. I crave the feeling of a man holding me. Even if I know it’s not going to happen, I can want it, as well as regret my mistakes.
-Kendrick Lamar Ft. The Weeknd/Pray For Me-