It’s Beauty In The Struggle, Ugliness In The Success Hear My Words Or Listen To My Signal Of Distress

My sister N and her husband D had their first baby yesterday.

A cute little girl with a massive mouth the size of N’s…. but I didn’t say that… out loud. That’s the thing about newborns. They really aren’t that cute. Oh of course everyone says their adorable, and they are! New life and all that good stuff is amazing. But they are also butt ugly. Eyes too big for their heads, swollen lips and genitals from being pushed through the birth canal. You really can’t fault them for not being able to put their best foot forward when they literally have no choice but come head first. (Oh my god I’m so clever lol) But we as a ‘nice polite society’ have taken it upon ourselves to be overly kind and say each and every baby is beautiful and adorable, just to not hurt feelings. Whatever. Point is, they don’t stay that way forever.

My kids were AWFUL  looking, like fricken toads slash chubby sumo wrestlers and now I’ll be honest and say they’re gonna go on and break hearts one day. Things change. No big deal. I think it was worse trying to agree with someone when they would comment on my newborn as they were saying something like “oh he’s so cute” knowing deep down myself that he looked like a turd by society’s standards, because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew I loved him, and I know looks are only skin deep. So why can’t we be honest if someone is not that attractive? Like why do we have to go to such great lengths that we lie about it?  If you don’t think they are cute, I”m not saying call it out and say they look ugly, because that’s only your opinion. But I’m thinking you don’t have to lie about it just to go along with the crowd and do what’s always been done, kinda in a save face sort of way. It is possible to just keep your mouth shut and carry on with your day. I’m jus sayin’.

Anyways, my sister is so happy that the baby came early, since she wasn’t due until Friday June 29th, which is the day after we leave for Kelowna, so she’s glad we get to meet baby F at our going away dinner tomorrow night.

Since these are our last few days here, I have so much to do, which is why I’m 100% procrastinating and blogging instead. It gets to the point where I plan it all in head, then put it off and put it off, and then at the last-minute work really hard under pressure. At least that’s how I hope it goes this time lol. Either that or it’ll be a chaotic mess and I’ll end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but so far the former has worked for me.

“Kon Marieing ” my life has made this move so much easier. I don’t have a lot of useless shit to pack. Plus we’ve been living at my parents house since April when my house sold and basically have just our one suitcase each, so that’s all I have to worry about packing this time around.

Last week I made the final “installment” if you will on my house deposit and paid all the lawyer fees etc. I’ve decided to leave Thursday after work and drive part way, then stay at a hotel for one night before doing the other half of the drive on Friday. Originally I was going to do it all in one shot, but I figured it’ll just be easier on the kids to do only about 9 hours on Friday… we’ll see. Then we’ll stay at my Aunt’s in Kelowna on Friday night and meet my realtor on Saturday at the new house for the keys. I arranged for our storage bin to be dropped off on Friday so we have the whole long weekend to unpack and get settled. Oh shit I just remembered I still have to set up utilities. Add another thing to the ever growing to-do list. Next Monday the kids will go see the daycare they’ll be at for the summer and get a quick tour, and then Tuesday I’m back at work. And that will be that. Seems like a plan, but we’ll see what else life throws at me between now and then.

Whatever happens I plan on blogging more regularly once I’m there.

Living with my parental unit has not been the most enjoyable thing and I’ve just had everything in my life rearranged. But hopefully things will get more settled soon and I’ll be back to me, but a newer improved version of me.

So, I figure that’s enough wasting time, and I should go and get some of my stuff prepped… like utilities for example lol.

Til next time, which might be from our new home, C.


-J. Cole/ Love Yourz-

You Are Now Watching The Throne, Don’t Let Me Into My Zone (I’m Definitely In My Zone)

And now for a break from our regular scheduled programming.

Everyone knows Jay Z and Beyonce just released a joint album Everything is Love. Hurray for them. Since then, all I see everywhere I look are people dissecting their lyrics. Well, I’m gonna take it a step further. Nope I haven’t even listened to the album. I don’t need to. Nope I’m not gonna talk in detail about their lyrics.

I’m gonna write my own ‘lyrics’ in response. Bare with me as I’m gonna write it on the spot (as I do all my writing).

Enjoy. And remember, music is about rhythm and flow. So feel this. If you can.

‘Cause trust me… everything is better when you feel the music.


You’ve been tryin’ to keep the world forever young

Pushin’ back heaven, well fuck your turn is done

I figured out the rhythm I made a better rhyme

So get your ass outta the spotlight y’all toppers did your time

 

You thought no one here would notice

You though no one here’d compete

I’m hear to tell you ign’rant bitches your turns over

You’ve done been beat

Thinkn’ ‘everything is love’ You messed up forgotta crucial part

That with ‘everything’ comes hate. Up here that’s real art

 

You got to greedy with your game

You got to needy with your fame

Thinkin all them else beneath you

Rentin’ out the Lourve n’ tryina put em all to shame

 

Heaven’s here, I took the time n mapped it out

I solved the problems while you just sat dumbfounded like a dolt

For sure it’s in the music it lives in harmony

but saying everything is love leaves out half eternity

 

Everything has an equal so how do we make it peaceful?

How do we end off infinity and not return for yet another sequel?

Without seeming deceitful, causing upheaval, make ’em come back for more evil?

 

Love’s other half as hate ain’t an easy pill to swallow

So I took it down in one shot, now you keep up your easy dolla’s

You keep up all your apeshit but me I’ll keep up on my great shit

Now for once for real, you’ve got nothing left to hide

Well except for the overwhelming unrequired insurmountable pride

 

So do it for the people, do it for the masses

Cause sooner than you think you’ll be lying in the ashes

You kept infinity away meanwhile loosed a damn pitiful assassin

Everything you’ve chanced together one by one I’ll see unfastened

 

I’ve seen you in the endlessness you know that shit is real,

All we needed was Becky with good hair to seal that shady deal,

I’m the voice inside your head when your focused on creatin’

How else in the UNIVERSE did you think you got past all your hatin’

You wanna know my name but you couldn’t figure to describe

So you dropp’d it at a loose excuse and left it for any to contrive

That’s why you’ll never know it given your pathetic shallow mind

I left you on the edge, wanting more now you’ll always wanna find

 

Me.

The greatest MC.

The new who you wanna be.

The always who you wanna see.

The perpetual who you can’t achieve.

 

In infinity I’m everything.

And everything is love.

But Hov….

facts are facts and those fact’s are good and known

That you and B won’t be the ones ushering in THE throne.

Time you got outta my zone.


-Jay-Z & Kanye West/Ni**as in Paris-

 

 

 

I Pay The Cost, Who ‘Gon Take It Off I Record Then I Ball, I Ignored A Lot Of Calls You Ain’t Talking About Nothing, I Ain’t Got No Time

So yesterday was Father’s Day here in Canada.

As I’m sure you could assume, I’m not the biggest fan of Father’s Day.

My birth “father”? Non existent in my eyes. I haven’t spoken to him since a “brief” reconnection when I was sixteen (a 15 minute chat that ended with him giving me his business card). Before that? I hadn’t seen him in probably a dozen years.

My kid’s “father”? Back committed again in a psych ward. I know I said he was out a week or so ago, but he’s back…again. Probably for the best. Men who beat their wives unprovoked are obviously not right in the head and need all the help they can get, even if they will never be “normal.” Since I filed for divorce 4+ years ago, he’s pushing close to 9 months of being committed, and the doctors have outright said he will never “get better.” So basically my kids don’t have a dad either. But we all know they never really did.

My step-dad who raised me? Of course he did his best, but his preference for his biological daughter, my younger sister was obvious.

So, no. I have no positive feelings for Fathers Day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of great, nay even superb dad’s out there. But I just don’t have any in my inner circles. I didn’t have any role models growing up showing what a good dad could be like, which is probably why I set the bar so low for my now ex. But my issue is why?

Why the fuck can’t men be better men?

For sure there are tons of crappy women/mothers out there, but why is it somehow automatically assumed that woman have to step up when a relationship falls to shit and be the “better” parent? Of course there are exceptions to this as with everything, but the majority of the time y’all know what I’m talking about.

Why do woman have to step it up more than guys? Last time I checked it took both his dick and your vagina to make that baby. Plus the woman already did her time, 9 months worth more than a man growing the kid, so does that mean she gets the next 9 months off while he does 9 straight to compensate? Hell no. In our society sometimes the girl is “lucky” if the guy is still around by the time the child is born.

What the fuck happened to family? What happened to commitment? What happened to choosing each other and purposely deciding to create a beautiful life? How did we get so messed up, to the point where men for some reason just assume that the lady will be all good in raising A HUMAN BEING ALONE if he decides to up and bail? And for who knows what.

  1. He wasn’t ready
  2. He was scared
  3. He didn’t want the baby
  4. He found new girl
  5. He couldn’t afford the child
  6. He thought he was too young
  7. He just outright didn’t think it was his problem
  8. Etc. etc. etc.

Well guess what, we as woman feel half those reasons too. And you know what we need in that moment? A MAN. Not a boy who was horny and instead of full of sperm he’s now full of excuses. So now in the most basic sense, all I can say, although I know it’ll fall on deaf ears, if fucking keep it in your pants.

Men and woman.

If you’re not ready to be a parent, you shouldn’t be messing around.

I’m just done with celebrating stupidity. I’m done with Hallmark holidays.

Even more so, right now, I’m done with men.


-The Carters/Boss-

I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-

Who Gon’ Pray For Me? Take My Pain For Me? Save My Soul For Me? ‘Cause I’m Alone, You See

I need to get laid.

Not that it would be hard if I put any effort into it whatsoever, but needing and wanting are two completely different things. Swiping right (or whatever way you swipe to choose yes on the infamous app) would be so easy to produce a one night stand. But I’ve just come to the point in my life where I’m done with that.

I’m done with so much fake shit. I can only ask how many siblings a person has so many times before craving something deeper. Then having felt something more real, it’s next to impossible to go back to all that surface crap. Knowing there are guys out there who can legitimately care about other people, makes it hard to go back to your everyday run of the mill man.

Can I take care of myself? Of course, but it’s not the same as being fucked by an actual living, breathing, warm, body. So now I’m at an impasse. I want real sex. But I don’t want to ever have to go through the “meet and greet” stage ever again.

I have also been avoiding blogging about K for a long time because it’s been painful to put closure on. I don’t even know where to start/end this blog.

Let’s just say we are no longer speaking basically. And that hurts me to the point that there are tears in my eyes as I write this. Which is why I’ve been avoiding it. I wanted to pretend if even in my mind that it wasn’t over. But reality is real. And facts are facts.

And those facts are that after one misstep after another, he hates me.

If I could pin-point it to a few crucial moments, it probably started with a horrible misunderstanding back in February. He called me at work one morning and it’s my belief that he had intentions of asking me out to lunch. But of course me in my ways ruined it and made him probably feel less than which was never my intentions, but that’s what happened. In the end it was wrecked because of me of course. All I had ever wanted from him was for him to ask me out on an actual date. In public. So when the time came, and it was stressful and slightly awkward, it turned a phone call that could’ve been beautiful into something quite ugly.

The result? No lunch date that’s for sure. Just a string of awful texts and the end of the most important relationship in my life.

Then a couple weeks later as I was dealing with E and suicidal thoughts, I did call K. I felt I had no one else. I happened to catch him at work but he called me back and helped me out of what, he may not have known, but a moment of deep suicidal thoughts, something I’ll forever be thankful for. Unfortunately, I made a stupid move and then directed my anger at E.

All my anger. A lot of it. To the point I wanted him dead. And considered doing it myself. I went so far as proceeding to ask K if he had a gun. Yep, I asked a guy who is trying to just finish up his time on parole if he could get me a gun. Not my brightest moment, but at the time seemed to make the most sense to me. But I wasn’t at my finest during that time. Needless to say K wasn’t impressed and made the smart move of blocking me…After again cussing me out.

So, that’s where we stand. Apart from once where he called me last week to tell me he’d have some of my stuff for me before I moved this month, I haven’t physically talked to him in months.

And it’s been sad. For a lack of a better word, it’s been sad in my life.

Trust me, I know fucking a different random guy isn’t going to make this feeling go away, which is why I’m not even going to bother. I’m just saying…. I crave the feeling of a man holding me. Even if I know it’s not going to happen, I can want it, as well as regret my mistakes.


-Kendrick Lamar Ft. The Weeknd/Pray For Me-

All Of My Let’s Just Be Friends Are Friends I Don’t Have Anymore Guess It’s What They Say You Need Family For ‘Cause I Can’t Depend On You Anymore

My kids are so freakin adorable.

We all arrived home yesterday at about the same time (work and the airport respectively), and while my mom was her usual grumpy self upon returning from seeing her dad, my kids were a joy to see reunited. They literally hugged until they fell over repeatedly saying how much they missed each other. They then proceeded to spend the evening giggling and embracing, you’d think it had been months since they’d last seen each other as opposed to a few days. It was refreshing to see the love I know they have for each other in plain sight.

My mom on the other hand was quite the pill as per usual. After spending time with her dad she’s always stressed out… even more so than normal and trust me she lives her life at a 8/10 stress level so this trip put her at a 10 outta 10 no joke. But my dad picked them up at the airport and got them both flowers (so cute right?) My parent have been going for marriage counselling lately and my dad’s really been doing his part. My mother on the other hand acts like everything is his fault to being with and that she can do no wrong and therefore it’s all up to him to fix.

Unfortunately, everyone who looks at their marriage can easily see that she treats him like crap and therefore he has absolutely no desire/will to do anything with her. It sucks because he deserves so much more and my mom just has so many issues that she uses to shield and defend her actions… or lack thereof.

Anyways, My cute little family of three is back together and doing good. I threw Z in the tub last night because she didn’t have a bath the whole time she was away and she was in bed early. I’m reading Ted Dekker’s newest book called the 49th Mystic… so far so good. He’s by far my favorite author and although some of his titles are a little out there, for the most part his writing is fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone. Anyways, I read for a little before bed and that was that.

A happy easy night.

A rare occurrence in my life, but I’ll take what I can get.


-Drake/Keep The Family Close-

Act Like Everything Fine And If It Isn’t We Ain’t Letting Everybody In Our Family Business

I miss Z.

I have NEVER spent more than one night away from either of my kids since the day they were born until now. My mom took her on Friday to BC for the whole weekend and they are expected back later tonight. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, and was looking forward to the break, but found myself bored most of the time. Little E occupies himself by now for the most part so normally I find that I spend my time with Z, or at least spend my time trying to keep her busy. So with her gone, I had little to do!

I did have a seizure on Friday night, so Saturday was pretty much a wash for me. I made dinner for Little E and my dad and did some laundry (my bed sheets mainly). Then Sunday I took Little E to a new Dinosaur exhibit in town and we caught an IMAX as well which was fun and easy and took up the majority of the day, before we headed home to make some cookies.

But even Little E is asking to call Z all the time to see how she is. I asked him last night if he missed his sister a little and he said “not a little, I miss her a whole bunch!” It was adorable, and a little unbelievable considering how much they usually bicker lol. Either way, it was nice to just have some time to bond with him one on one. He’s growing into quite the young man.

Z on the other hand seems to be having a great time. They went out for dinner on Friday night and fishing on Saturday where they caught half a dozen fish on the lake. On Saturday night my mom had her sleep on the floor since the night before she was using my mom’s body as a pillow, and when I asked her how her sleep was she said “terrible” but in the most adorable way that made me want to squeeze her cheeks through the phone.

Needless to say, I’m so thankful for the time off, but excited to scoop her up in my hands and hold her close and hear all about her weekend in her own cute way.

Also, I’m mentally preparing myself for the sibling rivalry to start up again in full force. But everything in due time.


-Kanye West/Family Business-