I Told About Equality And It’s True Either You’re Wrong Or You’re Right But, If You’re Thinkin’ About My Baby It don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White

Black. White. Yellow. Brown. Mixed and the list goes on.

My co-worker and I just spent 15 minutes chatting about if these terms should ever be used to describe someone. It started with her asking how I would describe E for example, and if using black was “Ok?”

So I was honest and said if I was pointing out E in a photo or something, the easiest describing way would be to say he’s the black guy. And since we’re not in the USA, it seems beyond weird to say he’s African-American. Well what if there are more than one “black guy?” she asked. Well then I’d describe him using any other distinguishing feature ie. clothing items, glasses, hair style etc. The same way I would do with anyone of any skin color.

I personally don’t feel that skin color has anything to do with who a person IS. Yes, it can help identify where they are from, as well as perhaps their race, but ultimately, for me, that is not the deciding factor on WHO someone is. It doesn’t tell me what radio station they prefer or what their political views are. It won’t tell me the hobbies they entertain in their spare time or what kind of books they gravitate towards. Skin tone won’t help me know if they’re a vegetarian or meat eater, nor will it help me know if they are prankster or Mr. Seriousness.

I believe people create themselves. From the time they are born, based on their likes and dislikes we form our own selves. All personal choices we make each day, form us into independent individuals. We use our reactions to certain situations to form thoughts and therefore opinions on everything, and based our next decisions on those. A race, or color is not WHO I am. All my skin does is hold the rest of my body together.

It’s not like skin that comes in different colors should be valued more or less  like Gold/Silver/Bronze medals. It shouldn’t even be compared.  It shouldn’t automatically place me in a certain category in life, except that the majority of peoples opinions and thoughts and therefore decisions on how we react to certain individuals has somehow along the way placed so much importance on skin tone than necessary.

No longer do people care about intelligence or kindness or even how you tie your shoes. For some reason society today chooses to judge human beings on something equally irrelevant as shoe tying. Which is what color your largest organ is.

Stupid.

As for me, if I were to describe myself, I’d say white or Canadian depending on the way the question is phrased. I wouldn’t feel the need to go into detail about how I’m one quarter Japanese, part Irish…. and it goes on and on. I also don’t have a huge connection to any of the countries my heritage comes from. So I don’t feel the need to protect the culture of… anything. So I would just used the simplest description: Canadian because that’s where I was born, but it’s not all that I am.

Sometimes I feel like African-American/Canadians/Blacks are trying so hard to maintain their individual culture, which has slowly been being invaded by others, that they don’t recognize that by secluding themselves this way, they might be in fact creating a situation that they fought so hard to get out of for too long.

Their ancestors fought so hard to diminish segregation, and the whole idea of keeping certain people classed certain ways because of race/skin color seems a step back to me. I feel that society had reached a point (a very shaky unbalanced place, but we got there) on the ladder towards equality, and now individual races may be working against that. Perhaps even taking a step or two down the ladder.

Case in point, I saw a story about how a large University in the states was holding a separate Graduation Ceremony for it’s black students and for some reason the black student body felt that was great. How? When you’ve been fighting to be seen as equal for so long, how would you see being viewed/celebrated in a separate light as a win? I dunno, to me it just seemed like a step back, that for some reason they were so proud of.

I have no idea the thinking or reasoning behind it, but to segregate a group of students from their classmates based on skin color to celebrate an achievement that they reached together seems like a downgrade. 4+ years of hard work together, studying, partying, growing friendships across cultural boundaries for 4 years, only to be told that come Graduation you’d be celebrating apart because of the color of your skin?

What a pity.

As for myself, yep my skin is white. In the summer it tans and in the winter I look like a pale ghost. But I’m still me. I’m a mother of two who is doing her best to find herself in this confusing world. And in doing so, I will do my best to not judge others over something they have no control over.

Do I judge others? Of course.

If you make a stupid decision or act like a fool, in my head I will judge you. But that’s your life and those are your choices. As for me, based on what I see from you, I will either choose to either associate with you or not based on your CHOICES and DECISIONS. Never on skin tone, or lack thereof. I chose my friends carefully, not because we were born in the same country or even the same neighborhood, but because our thoughts align and we make similar choices and our thought patterns are both close.

I don’t care what color your largest organ is. I’m more concerned about the hypothetical color of your heart.


-Michael Jackson/Black or White-

Is It Cool If I Hold Your Hand? Is It Wrong If I Think It’s Lame To Dance? Do You Like My Stupid Hair? Would You Guess That I Didn’t Know What To Wear?

You guys, honestly, I need help finding someone to look after my kids once we move!

I’m on so many wait-lists for childcare/after school care etc, but NO ONE has room right now. In all seriousness I didn’t think it would be this big of an issue. I guess I didn’t realize the fact that I’m moving from a big city to a much smaller town with so few choices. At this point I’m willing to consider all options since I can’t just let my kids roam free all summer while I’m at work.

My mom brought up the option of a nanny/au pair living with us since I bought a four bedroom place. How nice would that be? But I’m not sure I can afford it… unless I deduct room and board… hmm the idea is growing on me. So if anyone is interested, or knows someone who is looking for work in Kelowna starting July 1st, hit me up. Think summer abroad lol.

On the topic of kids, my mom is taking Z this weekend to visit my Grandpa. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while… well last summer at least, you’ll know I’m not the biggest fan of my Grandpa. (see why here I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me  

My mom knows why as in the end I ended up telling all the female adults in my close  family about what happened. I didn’t want anything happening to them that I could’ve potentially prevented. So she very hesitantly asked if she could bring Z with her on this trip. I think my mom just wants to have some special moments with her before we move. Also though, I’m like 75% sure she wants to show Z off. My mom will see her brother and sister while out there for the weekend and Z is just irresistible (a selling feature for those considering my nanny offer above lol). She reassured me that Z would be well watched and they are even going to share a bed at night… Mom and Z, no other bed sharing. So I agreed.

My mom told Z two nights ago and she’s regretted it ever since. Z has been SO excited since then. I put her to bed the night she found out and said the usual “good night, I love you, see you in the morning” to which she replied “I’ll see you tomorrow but not on Friday because I’m going on an Airplane with Nanna.” Hard to resist cracking a smile at that hey. But now ever 20 minutes it’s a comment on how she won’t be here Friday and how she’s going to BC to see Grandpa etc… I’m almost as excited as her for Friday just so the comments stop.

So I figured it will be good fun for both of them since my mom is just going out to check on her dad since my Grandma passed away last summer. It will also give me some one on one time with Little E.

OMG. I haven’t told you about the date night I had with Little E. Or did I? I’ve truly discovered the problem with taking a break from writing… all the inconsistency’s which I apologize for. But even if I’ve told this story, it’s worth retelling.

I wanted to take Little E on a special date. I wanted to teach him how to treat a woman (I mean that was my intention, but if he want’s to open doors for a man in his life later that’s his choice) Irregardless, I want him to be a gentleman, and although he may not have many (if any) steady male role models, doesn’t mean I can’t teach him all I can.

So, I taught him how to call and make a reservation for us under his name. We role played the phone call to give him some practice first and then he called in the reservation like a pro. He got to choose his own outfit, which he does every day anyways, but I told him normally on dates people put a little more effort in and dress nicely. So he walked out of his room wearing his orange Hawaiian print button up top and asked if he could put gel in his hair. WHAT??!?! That was a definite first, but so endearing, so I told him of course he could, and off to the bathroom we went to try that for the first time.

Anyways when it was time to go, I explained basic date things (not like I’m a pro, but I can always dream) like how the man can open doors for the lady and so he rushed in front of me on the way to the car to get my door for me and then dutifully jumped in the backseat. So cute.

When we got to The Keg, he walked right up to the hostess podium and rested his arms on top, declaring “I have a reservation for E” I was so proud of him. I tried to make the night special for him and let him order whatever he wanted, and let him speak to the waitress himself to help boost his confidence. He was a little intimidated but the restaurant, since I’ve never taken my kids to anything fancier than Boston Pizza for my sanity’s sake. But he was so sweet and we had such good conversation. It was actually a great night.

When we were leaving he again ran in front of me to grab all the doors (My heart melted) and was so polite to all the staff. It was a turning point for me to see that my son was capable of having so much fun with me, but also learning to be a man. I just hope that I can keep it up.

I want to do something special with him this weekend while Z is gone, so if you have any suggestions let them loose in the comments.

If worse comes to worst… I can always depend on Little E to take me on dates….Creepy? Yeah that came out weird lol, but y’all know what I meant.


-Blink 182/First Date-

You Said You’d Care For Me / Said You’d Be There For Me / Give To Me, Why Won’t You Live For Me? / You Said You’d Cry For Me / You Gotta Be, Nice For What?

I’m using my break at work to finally write a decent post. First I was going to apologize for not writing more, but in all honesty, I’ve grown so much in this past month, to a point that I won’t apologize for any action (or inaction on my part). My life is hectic and busy true, but it’s also a string of choices that I purposefully make and I just didn’t feel like choosing to write in my down time. To be honest lol, I got high a ton and watched a lot of Netflix and danced around my room… and wrote some poems and songs that I might post at a later date instead. So, not sorry?

But here’s a glimpse of what’s happened in the last month apart from that quick post I wrote.

I got the place close to the lake. It’s all said and done as of last week. It’s in West Kelowna, super close to many winery’s and trails. It has two schools that have ranked well in close range, so that’s a plus. I’m just having trouble finding child care now, but everything in its own time. But if you have any suggestions I’m all ears.

Z is excited to move and talks about Kelowna all the time. I took a video of the house when I flew out there 2 weeks ago and she’d really getting the whole idea that we’re moving. She talks about going to the beach and seeing her cousins all the time, it’s really uplifting. Little E on the other hand is not at all thrilled about the prospect of it. He takes ever opportunity possible to say he doesn’t want to move. I get it. I totally do. What almost 8-year-old wants to uproot and move to a place he’s never been to where he knows hardly anyone? He has to start a new school again, making it a new school for every year he’s attended. It’s been difficult on him, making friends and fitting in, and I feel bad. I’m truly hoping this move will be one we can settle into and make our home. For Little E’s sake. And my own.

On another note, E has been committed again. I randomly received this text a couple of weeks ago:

e

Just a friendly reminder. This dad of my children hasn’t seen his kids since January.  Which coincidentally is about the same time he last sent child support. We also live on the complete opposite side of the country from Ottawa. But he somehow made it to Ottawa… because apparently this capital city we live in doesn’t provide health care?? Anyways, he had also previously told me he had quit his job as opposed to his current story of being fired, which by now I knew not to believe because with him it’s an endless cycle of lies. Either way, I haven’t gotten any $$$ from him in months which has been awful timing while trying to purchase the new place. I honestly haven’t been this financially strapped… in ever. But it is what it is.

So, to make matters even more unbelievable (hard to do in my life, but by now we know not to push the envelope) this past Saturday while I was playing outside with the kiddos, I received a call from a number marked No Caller ID. turns out to be the hospital he’s been admitted at. You will literally never guess what they were calling for.

Go ahead and try.

You’re probably wrong.

I’ll help.

They were trying to hit me up for money. Not one word of a lie. They said he had the balls to list me as his emergency contact. 4 years into our divorce and I’m still his top go to person?? Fuck Off. She said she had called Welfare Services and they won’t pay because of something something (I really wasn’t listening I was honestly beyond shocked that the whole system had the gall to call me and ask ME for money to cover his bills). So she’s basically saying that because he put my name, I’m responsible. Hahaha.

I told her no. Flat out no. If they are expecting me to pay, they can actually stop treatment (my actual words) because I’m not paying anything. She started to say something like “oh I can imagine what you’ve gone through” and I stopped her cold. No. No you cannot. You have no idea what I have gone through with that man. I will not be paying anything. Please don’t include me in this. Then I asked her what E had been saying about me, to which she responded that E hadn’t said anything since being admitted and that he was very sick.

Uhhh, Duhh. That’s not a news flash to anyone. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell the whole world. E is sicker than your average mentally sick person.

So the call ended with her apologizing and saying she wouldn’t bother me again. I’ll take that as a win.

I know some of you are thinking that’s very cold-hearted of me. That I should be more forgiving and helpful.

Why?

Why should his well-being be more important than mine? Why should he be allowed to continually wreck the peaceful life I’m trying to create for my kids and I? I have to take care of myself and my children. I spent YEARS trying to “help” him, but at some point, I have to recognize that my life and sanity is valuable too. No one is looking out for me except me. So I have to… I have to make the moves that benefit myself and my kids. E is toxic, so I will not allow that poison in my life in any form anymore. I have to clear out that harm to allow myself to be the best version of C that I can be. At some point I (and the world) just have to recognize that E is a grown man, and although he is very sick, I am not a medical professional and therefore I am not fit to help. I also have been hurt by him and therefore have no desire to help in any way anymore. That is my choice. That makes me a stronger person for making beneficial choices that allow me to grow and move on. As bitchy as it may seem, it’s my choice and it improves my quality of life. Which is just as important as E’s, but I have to do it for me. What he does is his choice. This move is mine.

And I will not feel guilt for choosing my best life.


-Drake/Nice For What-

 

Make Myself A Different Set Of Rules. Gonna Put My Good Foot Forward, And Stop Being Influenced By Fools.

You guys.

Just a quick update. Because my life is beyond words sometimes, but I want you to all know I’m still here.

Well actually I’m in Kelowna. I made a quick day trip out today to sign some paperwork and take a couple meetings regarding a place I’m trying to buy. I say trying because I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, even this far along in the process. If things keep progressing along nicely, which I trust they will, the conditions should be removed early next week and I’ll get possession June 29th of a place less than 100 yards from the beach.

I had a couple hours between my last meeting and my flight later tonight so I went for a massage and I’m now sitting in a local coffee shop writing a long overdue post.

To be honest there’s so much going on in my life that I can’t touch on now, but when and if I ever have time, you will all definitely know.

But for now, I’m alive. My kids are doing great. E is locked back up in a psychiatric ward back in Ottawa. And that’s pretty much the basics.

Haha way to leave you hanging hey. You know what they say… always leave them wanting more 😂😂😂.

Until next time, thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me. To all you guys who keep checking for updates, I appreciate you. Sorry I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal.


-Gonna Change My Way Of Thinking/Bob Dylan-