We Need To Take It Back In Time When Music Made Us All Unite Money Can’t Buy Us Happiness Can We All Slow Down And Enjoy Right Now

Lately I’ve been wondering how people gather enough courage to run off and start a new life.

Legitimate question in my mind. I figure now would be as good a time if any to run away, and I’m just done with my life as is. So, that being said, how do people gather the strength to just leave everything and start fresh somewhere new.

My house has been sold and so I have to pack up and be out by April 10th anyways. I had to buy a new car on Friday (which is a whole other post), I’ve just become too frustrated with literally everything going on with attempting to purchase a new house in Kelowna, that I’m not even interested in moving anymore. I’ve made offers on three different houses that have been outbid and they ended up accepting CASH offers that went way over original asking price. So I honestly feel I didn’t even have a fighting chance. My boss is acting like I’m not trying, asking what I could’ve done differently, and what’s my plan “little missus” UMMM first off, don’t fucken call my little missus you chauvinistic pig. Second, I know the fucken deadline, I know my damn budget and I realize we are supposed to be moving in 3 months. It’s not my fault I don’ walk around with $350,000+ CASH in my bank account so my offers have to have a “conditional to financing” in them…. like most normal peoples do. Agh, I’m just over it. Like I want to walk into work and quit. But now my house is sold, half my pocket cash went into buying a good car, so that it wouldn’t be an issue for years to come, and so I have to keep this job for now.

Of course there are so many other factors contributing to this thought train, but I’d honestly like to know, what kind of pre-planning goes into a situation like this? Where you feel like nothing is fucking worth it anymore/you’ve failed at it all, and a new start with 100% new people sounds delightful, but terrifying at the same time.

Pretty much the only thing stopping me at this point, and obviously the most important part,¬† is the fact that I obviously don’t know where I’d go, and therefore I don’t have a job. If I had a mobile source of income, some online business etc, I’d be out like there was no tomorrow, but since I have kids to support I can’t just be taking off with them with no plan on how I’d be buying groceries in a month, or their education etc.

But the idea of starting over. New. Clean. Mistake free.

Sounds delightful.

But for now, I’ll just have to suck it up, realize that I’ve fucked up, other people have fucked up, and money is far more important than it should be.


-Jessie J/ Price Tag-

Open Up Your Eyes You Keep On Crying Baby I’ll Bleed You Dry

Wow.

It’s been quite a week. First, on Monday I got my first offer on my house. You know what they say, the first offer is usually the best one, so after a few negotiations back and forth, we settled on a price, which I was alright with, I mean I already knew I was going to lose money on this deal so I just had to go with it.

Turns out we’ll be moving back in with my parents for a bit. The possession date is April 10th. Tuesday, a weird date, I know. But that means I have 3 weeks until I have to be packed up and moved out. And Easter weekend is in there. Not that I do a ton for that holiday, but it does throw a wrench in the time sensitive situation.

I’m totally not prepared for this move. I haven’t started packing a single thing. I don’t know which storage/shipping company I’l be using. I have no idea who I could get to help. Scratch that I have an idea but I currently can’t ask them. Also, and most importantly, I haven’t found a place to move in Kelowna yet…. so there’s that.

Another curveball? My car. I was pulling out of a parking lot with my kids last week and there was a grinding sound as I turned the wheel. So I stopped and got out to take a look. Lucky me, my front tire (ok here’s where it becomes SOOO apparent that I know very little about cars, feel free to laugh at my awful description) had somehow come slightly off the car… whichever part it was supposed to be attached to, and was just kinda resting there sideways. So I had to call a tow truck while the kids played in a nearby McDonald’s playplace. The Tow truck driver was super helpful and nice to the kids. He ended up giving us a ride home and honked the airhorn a couple times for them. He even worked it out so that my damage from the previous rear-ending from January (that I’d yet to deal with, since it really didn’t affect the car’s day to day running) and this tire issue could all be fixed at once at this mechanic he knew.

So he towed my car to the mechanic’s who called me up a couple days later, saying that when he called the dealership for parts, turns out there was a recall on that part, and if I brought it to the dealership, they would fix it for free. Great I’m thinking. Except when I call the dealership, their making a big deal about how they can’t be sure it was the actual part on recall that caused the damage so they couldn’t guarantee anything. I’d have to tow it there and have them look at it first. I’m like my mechanic called asking for this specific part, and YOUR the ones who told him that there was a recall on that part soooooo? Then I asked if they would pay for me towing it to their shop etc. and again they were like well we can’t be sure the damage was caused by this particular part being defective.

So anyways, now I have to pay a second time to have it towed to the dealership, on the off chance they will fix it for free. If they say it’s not because of this recalled part, then I have to have it towed back to the mechanic’s, who I’ll remind you already said it was this defective part that caused the issue.

So confusing and frustrating.

Meanwhile, I spent the first day ubering before realizing that would cost me a fortune and have now been in a rental car for over a week, and at this rate, it could be upwards of 2 more weeks before I get my car back. A car that I hated in the beginning.

If I wasn’t moving and dealing with a new house, I would’ve just bought a new car instead.

Next, I think something is going on with E. He’s been messing up on support payments lately, so I’ve been trying to call or text him about it, but he never answers. Plus, I think I mentioned how he hadn’t seen the kids since January. Well yesterday was his birthday and little E called to say happy birthday. It was the most awkward call ever. Even more so than normal.

At the start of the call, E mumbled something and neither little nor I understood it, but little E, said “Hi it’s E Happy Birthday” and so E said oh thank you… and then nothing. So there was this awkward pause, and then little E finally asked where he was, and E said he was making his bed. So little E asked again “Where are you” E replied making my bed. So I stepped in and said he wants to know where you are in the world not what you are doing. Which is when E said he was here in town. Apparently, E said he’s been here for a week, but that doesn’t add up with anything he’s been telling me recently.

So today when we went for lunch at my parents, my mom and I were talking about, and she thinks E may have lost his job. Great. There goes child support.

I just felt bad for little E. The call was awful to listen to and little E is slowly losing his male role models one by one. It was just hard to see the look on his face as he talked to the man who was supposed to be his dad, and see him so disappointed. Yet I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’m just frustrated with it, and hurt. For my kids. I hurt for my kids. The deserve so much better. They deserve a dad who cares for them. Who is capable of caring. Who never walks away. Even if things get tough.

And I failed to give them that.

Let’s just say a lot of tears have been shed this week for a lot of reasons.


-Kings Of Leon/Closer-

Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Just a little late You found me Why’d you have to wait To find me?

I’ve come to the understanding within myself that I’m not where I’d like to be in my life. Which, on it’s own is not that big a deal you’d think right? Just go out and change, or get what you want etc. and you’d be all good C right? Except that where I want to be is out of my own reach.

After I wrote my last blog, I truly realized how much I wanted another baby. For some reason i didn’t think it was that big of a deal before, but after I let it out, like put it from my mind out to the world, it made it so real… too real.

All I ever wanted to be was a family. A wife and a mother in a perfect little family. I didn’t realize it was such a deep truth for me until I’ve come to see how much of a failure I’ve become in this area.

I wanted a simple wedding with a first dance. Maybe a honeymoon if I was lucky. I wanted cute little kids, to grow up with two parents who love them, and each other. I wanted to cook dinner for my family while my husband helps the kids with homework, or shoots hoops in the backyard. I wanted to go for family walks after supper while my man and I hold hands and the kids run off ahead. I wanted to see my husband change a diaper just once, or rub my pregnant stomach and maybe sing to our unborn baby. I wanted to have fun looking at houses together or even putting furniture together.

I even wanted to do my mans laundry, because folding clothes is my favorite. And as I fold his clothes I can make note of which items are wearing out and needing replacement. I wanted to nurse a baby in the middle of the night that my husband carried to me because it was “his turn”.

I wanted all these things and more, but I experienced none except the cute kids part. And the thing that chokes me up the most, is that I can’t change it. I can’t make a man appear, let alone love me and choose me. I can’t make another baby happen on my own… well technically I could but that won’t change the course of my single mom life.

Sure I can make dinner for my kids. I can fold their laundry. I can take them for walks. I can do all these things mentioned… but I have to do them alone. And trust me. Four years of experience tells me it’s not the feeling I’ve been looking for.

Imagining holding someone’s hand… not the same as feeling it.

Imagining laying in bed with someone else? Not the same as feeling their warmth and hearing their breath.

Cooking for two kids? Not the same as making a real meal for a man.

So I’ve just realized that I’m not where I had hoped to be, and frustrated that I cannot do a damn thing to change it on my own.

So instead, I’ll just have to keep plodding ahead as I am. Attempting to be the best mom I can, to the two kids I do have. Because they only have one parent in the picture which means I have to be doubly good…. maybe even more so because my efforts so far haven’t been top notch.

-The Fray/You Found Me-

The Versatile Blogger Award

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First off, I received this nomination a while ago from Wednesdays Child, and just haven’t gotten around to it. So dear Wednesday’s child, thank you for the nomination and sorry for the delay. I’ve received a few of these kind of “nominations” in the past and have just kind of ignored them, because one I’m a bitch and two I just had too much of my own story to get out, I felt it more of a priority. But this weekend I reached over 1000+ followers and I decided that as open and honest as my blog is, I will take this time to add “interesting” to the mix… you know, be versatile ūüėČ

I checked back a few blogs from my own nomination to see where this started as well as to get a sense of what to do, and I was left honoured and humbled to see how many people across the globe that were already out there reading my blog. I never thought my life would be so attractive to this many individuals. But thank you. So:

The rules for accepting this award are simple:

  • Write 7 interesting facts about yourself
  • Nominate 15+ amazing bloggers for this award

Pretty simple hey? Just you wait.

Interesting Facts:

  1. I have no clue how I”m going to figure out which 15 people to nominate. Not because I don’t think there are more than 15 amazing bloggers out there that I would love to hear more about, but because I only truly follow like one blog. The rest of the time, I just look up key words in the reader tab, and read whatever seems good to me at the time, or that my heart is longing for. I do check in with some of the blogs I follow maybe every 2 weeks or so, but I just don’t currently have the time in my life to read all the amazing content you all produce… all the time, so I just skim. Sorry. Again like I said, I’m a bitch.
  2. I’m currently writing my first book/novel whatever you want to call it. I’ve obviously never done this before, and I know my writing skills leave much to be desired, but I have an amazing story to tell, and I want to get it out there. It’s not my life story that you’ve read here already, but I promise it’ll be equally as fascinating lol.
  3. I want to have another baby. I know that doesn’t seem very interesting because I’m a female in her thirties, most of us probably want babies. But for me, I thought since my divorce, I’d be done. I thought I would be okay with just my two kids. One boy, one girl, perfect right? But this past little while I have had a huge desire to have another kid. The interesting part comes from the fact I have no source of sperm at the moment. Not that a dad should just be a sperm donor (although for my oldest two he was/not really but you get my point) but I’m just saying…. that’s kinda a big part of making a baby and I’m missing it.
  4. I’m the most prim and proper girl you’ll meet right off the bat. I know all the proper protocols and manners. But give me maybe two-three weeks (yes it takes that long), and I’ll become comfortable enough around you to let my guard down a little more each time, so that you can see the more relaxed me. That version of C is super witty and quick with jokes and comebacks. She’s the girl people gather around at coffee breaks because I’m always cracking jokes, and sharing stories, but I also give great advice and have the ability to show empathy like nobodies business.
  5. I’m a bitch. I have unanswered calls and texts on my phone that initially I forgot about, or one of my kids was playing on my phone when it came in so I missed it. But then I don’t respond. Some times I intend to do it later, sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to that person, so I just leave it for that moment. But then the moment turns into days, and then sometimes weeks, and then it gets to the point where it would be awkward to respond and so I just don’t. So for some of my friends, or at least people who would have still been friends if I had cared more, they stopped trying. But to be honest, I’m ok with that. I recognize their valid frustrations and respect their move. But I also think a few opposing things. If they were true friends, they would still try, and if they were true friends I would have taken time to return the message right away. And if we were meant to be talking still, one of us would’ve just shown up at the others house, because we would’ve been missing each other so much. But I don’t miss them, and they probably have to many hurt feelings of being ‘shunned” to even start missing me. So what starts out as laziness, selfishness, just not wanting to get into a interaction with another human one night on the phone, results in me loosing connections. Have I learned my lesson? Well I know the cause of the problem, but I don’t know if that’s enough at this point to make me stop.
  6. I recently lost 50 lbs. I did it without surgery and I’m pretty proud. I’m not where I’d like to be yet, basically because I’m not sure where I want to be. I know that I was able to look in the mirror a few weeks ago and for the first time I loved what I saw. And I was in a swim suit! So even though I’ve made HUGE strides towards the best C, I feel that I’m not there yet. What I’m trying to be very careful in doing though, is make sure I’m getting to a place that I¬†want to be. Not getting a certain body image in my head because mainstream media says it’s the most beautiful, or because men like a certain thing, or because humanity says you should weight “this” much. I’m taking careful time and consideration into what I want. How I want this body to function. What do I need from my body, and therefore what will I give it in return. So, because of that, yes I’ve lost weight, and plan to lose more, but this has been so much more that “getting to a goal weight.” This is about getting to where my body works the best for me.
  7. I have had a love/hate relationship with my life. No, I’m not (currently) suicidal, but sometimes it can feel like everything is going so well, and you want to live forever until all of a sudden, something takes a turn for the worse in this journey and all of a sudden it’s a shit show. Because of this, I’ve started to really make a change in my thought process, by always choosing positive. I’ve had some solid proof in my life regarding things along the lines of manifestation and “thinking” things into being. So, as a result, I’ve not only changed the direction of my thoughts to try and remain positive, but also ‘decided” on somethings in my life. Once some things were decided on, I could move forward in my life with more ease. It’s like instead of stressing on things, or always circling around to those undecided thoughts in my head, if a decision had been made, I could just repeat the answer to myself a few times and move forward with other thoughts. It eased stress and lol, freed up time.

So, there you have it. 7 “interesting” things about me. I tried to keep it interesting, by thinking if I read these, would I actually think “Oh interesting/neat/cool/wow” in my head. If not…. no good lol. Now on to the stressful part.

Amazing bloggers that I nominate!:

  1. A Dating Dad
  2. Our Marriage and Domestic Discipline
  3. Divorcing A Narcissist
  4. Fever Inside The Storm
  5. Every Once In A While
  6. Curious Clitty
  7. Bronte Plant Whisperer
  8. Hitting 60
  9. The Struggles
  10. The Realm of Silveryew
  11. Free To Live
  12. 1kindness2day
  13. Blink
  14. Faded Jeans Living
  15. Make It Ultra

 

And that my readers, is my list. I didn’t check it twice cause I’m not Santa, but, have fun… Or ignore the nomination for days/weeks like me, until it becomes to awkward to do.