Girl Look At That Body, I Work Out. When I Walk In The Spot, This Is What I See Everybody Stops And They Staring At Me

So today I finally signed up for Good Life gym. I did a little research on a few different gyms, and this one just seemed to fit my needs the best. There’s one literally right down the street from work downtown right now, plus one close by my current home. There’s also one in Kelowna for once we’ve moved, and there’s no transfer fee so that’s decent I guess. I managed to milk my membership for all it’s worth though lol. I signed up for the two year membership, which cuts down on the monthly fee, and I plan on using both here and once I move long term so why not get a cheaper rate if I know I’ll be sticking with it right? I also got them to give me 6 weeks free access before my fees kick in instead of the 4 week offer that’s currently on, just because I’m amazing like that. I also still asked for the 3 free visits before the 6 weeks free starts, because, well why not right?

As soon as I walked in the door though, I remembered why I’ve avoided the mass market style gyms for so long:

  • Girls going at like level one on the treadmill not even breaking a sweat, but shaking that booty juuuuust enough.
  • Guys walking around with their chests puffed out, making laps around the gym (behind the above mentioned chicks on treadmills of course), but I never actually saw them lift a weight.
  • 4-5 staff members standing around the front desk, gossiping about who knows what….Loudly.
  • The gym selfie people. Either the guy just finished a huge set and thinks his veins are popping, or the girl is perfectly poised to start her hot yoga class. All there in droves, posting to instagram stories I’m sure.
  • Girls travelling in packs like if they separate from the group, the weak ones will be picked off by the ravenous looking men. (It’s a thing, trust me)

All that fun stuff. Plus throw in the mix 2 guys I recognized from… well you know what from. I don’t even remember their names to be honest. All I know, is once I got changed and started my workout, Creep A (since I can’t remember his name) “casually” moved right to the machine smack dab in front of me to use.

I’m seriously doing EVERYTHING I can to focus on my squats and ignore him. I pull my hat brim down low, my music is up high, I’m literally looking straight past him trying to focus on my form and count off reps… But I can’t help notice that he’s only benching as much as I can, well that and the fact he had the worst sweat on his pants down the middle of his ass crack.

It’s like, dude. First off, I know it was only a one night stand, but why did I ever give this guy a chance? Secondly, buddy, don’t try and impress a chick by benching less than 100, just a little hint. Like I know we all have to start somewhere, and I’m 100% for each of us taking steps towards bettering ourselves, cause look at me, prime example here. But guys. Honestly. Don’t try to impress a girl by benching one plate, and looking like you’re struggling. It’s not attractive in the littlest bit. A girl wants to at least imagine that you can sweep her off her feet while fantasizing about y’all, even if it’ll never happen. You struggling with one plate just wipes all illusion about that away. Just a tip (that’s what she said). If you can’t bench more than that, but really wanna try and catch her eye, then walk away and do something you’re good at, which I’m going to assume is the treadmill or something cardio related, judging by all that swass.

Anyways, I finished my squats while ignoring him and moved on to some deadlifts, and I could see he had missed my switch, because while I’m in the middle of my set and watching my form in the mirror, I see him come around the corner scanning the room, blatantly obvious that he was still looking for me. Once he spotted me he ducked back behind the wall, not at all subtle, but 5 seconds later walks back in to a bar near me again.  Ok Creep A. If you wanna hit me up, just grow some balls and come up to me and talk to me, so I can turn you down face to face. Don’t stalk me around the gym while it’s obvious to everyone there that I’m trying to pretend like you don’t exist. Some other guy actually asked me if Creep A was bothering me, that’s how noticeable it was.

I realized upon leaving though, that this is probably going to be something I’ll have to deal with. Being the downtown location of a “brand name” popular gym, and the fact that I like guys who stay in shape (not exhibited in creep A)… This is most likely not going to be the only time I see guys I’ve slept with there. So I guess it is what it is. The one upside I can think of now, is that at least my body looks 50 pounds better than when any of them saw it naked.

And it only goes up from here.

Or down I guess lol. I don’t plan on gaining that weight back.


-LMFAO/Sexy And I Know It-

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Why Do I Give Valuable Time To People Who Don’t Care If I Live Or Die / In My Life Why Do I Smile At People Who I’d Much Rather Kick In The Eye?

Frustrated. I guess that would be the only way to suitably and simply describe how I’m feeling now.

I’m stuck when it comes to my divorce. I feel any move I attempt to make will only be detrimental to my case and I hate that feeling.

Last you heard, I had contacted my lawyer and he sent an email saying something along the lines of us being very close to completion, but I just had to update my Legal Aid file. But when I contacted Legal Aid, they informed my that there was in fact nothing wrong with my file, but while they had me on the phone, they decided to do an update on my file.

I knew that would only turn out bad for myself since I know I make more than the limit now allowed for coverage by them. Turns out I was right. The lady on the phone said they would contact my lawyer, informing him of the situation. If the case was near completion (which it technically was, as mentioned by my lawyer, but knowing E it could still take years) then they would allow him to finish it off under my files current ticket with the subsidized coverage. If my lawyer felt it still had a lot longer to go, then he would have to wrap up whatever had been done thus far, and I could choose to either proceed with him, at full cost, or find a new lawyer, again paying full price.

Fast forward to today… and I still haven’t heard from ANYONE. So I feel like if I make a move and reach out to anyone, it might shine light on circumstances that might be better left hidden ie how much I make. Maybe my lawyer is wrapping things up and we are almost done like his previous email said, although that was like Christmas time-ish if I’m not mistaken so I’m doubtful that’s the case.

Agh, I just hate my divorce being basically controlled by others who realllllly don’t give a fuck. No-one cares that I’ve been dealing with this shit for FOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKEN DRAWN OUT MESSED UP ANNOYING AS ALL HELL YEARS. 

Four years. I could’ve gotten a University degree. Shit I could’ve been over halfway to becoming my own Lawyer at this point. At least then I would’ve known that without a doubt my legal counsel had my best interests in mind at all times. But nope. I’m sitting here feeling like my hands are tied. My lawyer doesn’t care, and E is just playing his continuous games.

If I had wanted to remain married for 8.5 years, I would’ve just stayed with E in Kenya.

I don’t.

I didn’t

I want to be divorced from that man.

Now.

And forever.

I’m not waiting for death to part us.


-The Smiths/Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now-

It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! It’s Raining Men! Amen! I’m Gonna Go Out To Run And Let Myself Get Absolutely Soaking Wet

Yesterday I was driving the kids to daycare and we were listening to the radio as per usual, when Little E asked how do “they” know what the weather is going to be?

OOOOOKKKKKAAAAAYYYYYYY!

I honestly have tried to figure this out so many times. I mean I get the general idea of wind patterns and cloud coverage etc. But honestly, how do “they” KNOW, that the wind just won’t fucking change!!!! Or more clouds just won’t accumulate? Or the sun won’t just shine harder lol. Or basically any million occurrences that could happen that could change the predictions? Like honest to goodness, how can “they” know?

So I outright told little E that. I told him I think they make predictions based on wind patterns and cloud movement etc but it’s a question that I haven’t quite figured out the answer to, so maybe he could ask his grandpa.

When I said I didn’t know the answer, I saw his eye’s twinkle in the rear-view mirror. As any kid’s would when they realize their parents don’t know everything for the first time. But I continued by saying, that like I had told him before, I would always be honest with him and never lie to him just to seem like I know the answer. Therefore, everything I’ve told him up to now, and in the future, has been and will always be the truth to the best of my knowledge. And if I don’t have the knowledge, I’ll point him in the right direction.

Now he knows that he can trust what I say. He knows that I won’t make up something “just because,” and I could see his mind going and thinking back over things I’d probably told him that he might not have believed, but now he knew he could trust me.

Last night, and all today? It was like he was a whole new boy. I’m not sure exactly what doubts he had in his mind,  but that conversation changed something in him. He’s become happier, more confident and just overall more satisfied with life it seems. I’m glad that what ever was bothering him is gone now… annoyed that it was there in the first place, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyways, as far as weather, I’m going to set Little E up with my dad to see if he can learn a few things about it. My dad is a plethora of knowledge when it comes to that stuff. None of it rubbed off on me apparently, but that wasn’t for a lack of trying on his part.

When I was in grade 5, my dad volunteered to organize a whole field trip for my class while we were doing our unit on aerodynamics and somehow I remember clouds being involved in that (see how little I care about the sky lol). So, he arranged for our class to go down to the municipal airport and see the airplanes there. We all had a chance to sit in the plane and play with the controls a bit, while he explained about the wings and lift and drag and all that airplaney stuff. I really wasn’t paying attention. One, because it was my dad and I’d heard him talk about it a thousand times at the dinner table (and car rides and bed time and just about all the time was airplane time), and two because it was my dad and everyone kept looking at me funny because my dad was the teacher for the day. Then at the end of the field trip, he took my teacher for a quick flight in a 2 seater plane which everyone thought was amazing. I was seriously thinking, I did this with him like 2 months ago for a Saturday afternoon for fun so it wasn’t that special, but ok, whatever tickles your fancy. And then back to school we went.

So, I think he’s a much better candidate for teaching Little E about weather and clouds and the air and sky and all that jazz. As for me? I probably still have no clue how it works because I was too embarrassed that my dad was leading the field trip to properly learn about cloud formations to pass any knowledge on to Little E.

Maybe that’s why knowledge skips a generation lol.

***After thought*** I normally write my posts and then pick a song/title that suits it. So after choosing this one, it reminded me how just tonight my kids facetimed my parents and when I answered my dad asked if I was going on a date. I was caught off guard, like what?? Why? He’s like your wearing lipstick. lol Omg, dad, I’ve been wearing it all day at work. Trust me. I have no date life. I’m literally in my pajama’s, and as we’ve discussed before, have literally NEVER BEEN ON A PROPER FUCKING DATE!!!!!!! So no dad. I don’t have a date tonight. But thanks for asking and reminding me of that very painful and annoying fact. Appreciate it.


-The Weather Girls/It’s Raining Men-

I Was Wondering Maybe Could I Make You My Baby If We Do The Unthinkable Would It Make Us Look Crazy If You Ask Me I’m Ready

Oooooooh man. So it’s a holiday in my city today. Which in and of itself is good. Also happening today? Another house showing. Also a good thing right? Until I realized I had to be outta the house between 6:30-7:30 at night.

Seriously anytime my routine gets disturbed I’m flexible, yes. But not exactly happy lol. Especially when I arrived at the indoor playground to occupy my kids for a couple of hours and it’s PACKED in here because of the holiday.

There are so many things frustrating about it, but off the top of my head is how grammatically incorrect people are speaking. I’ll get to the point if my post in a minute but I can’t concentrate because all I can hear are all the parents around me, screaming at their children in sentences that would have any grade school teacher cringing. And it’s like no wonder kids nowadays barely speak proper English… they just repeat exactly what they’ve been taught, or not been taught in this case. It’s times like this I’m actually thankful my mom corrected every little error I made while speaking. It was theeeee most annoying thing at the time, but its made me thankful in times like now. Trust me. I’m well aware I’m far from speaking/writing perfectly, but I’m pretty sure I’m leaps and bounds above the majority of the people in here by the sounds of it.

Anyhoo. The reason I started this whole post today, was because as I was tidying up my house for the showing, a thought crossed my mind. As it has each time I’ve had other people in my house who don’t know me.

All these people will see, are the “artifacts” that represent our life now. And that’s it. They will see photos of my mixed race kids, which I have tastefully displayed around my house. They will also see evidence of only one parent. A mom. There is no trace of a man in my house at all. No shoes in the closet or coats in the door. No sports memorabilia. Not even a second adult toothbrush in the bathroom.

All that they’ll see are the items that belong to my kids, and I. No father. Which unfortunately because of so many stigmas, worries me that it will lead to one and only one impression in their minds, whether intentional or not. And that is, that this is the house of yet another single mom. Who probably got pregnant by some short-lived relationship where the dad didn’t want anything to do with the kid, or just pays his dues and moved on. Maybe takes the kids on weekends, but obviously by the lack of an imprint he has in their life, hasn’t stuck around.

And that bothers me.

Not because that’s not our story.

Not because that story does belong to so many others.

Not because I don’t wanna be judged as some gold digging hussy.

Not because I care how others judge me.

But because of the fact that I MYSELF THOUGHT IT. And if I thought it, who’s to say a stranger walking through my house won’t. Even just in passing. And even that itself shows what my kids will be subjected to throughout their life.

Because of my life decisions, my children will be lumped in with all the other kids in similar situations and judged the same, no matter if their history is different or not.

Society doesn’t give two shits about what happened between their dad and I, or how hard I tried even though I knew it wasn’t worth it to make my marriage work, and should’ve given up long before I did. They just see the results. The here and now. The leftovers. Which is another single mom with two kids whose black dad is not around.

And I hate it.

No one ever wants to be a part of a statistic, it’s never planned this way, but it’s even more depressing when it’s not one you believe in. I think black men have too many labels put on them in error in the first place. And I hate that my life contributes to that. Did my marriage fail? Yes. But does that mean every/any relationship with a black man will be unsuccessful? Absolutely not.

I still wholeheartedly trust them on the whole and have seen first hand MANY successful, thriving, long-term couples in mixed race, relationships, as well as white couples, black couples, and everything in between. People aren’t perfect. Relationships work because PEOPLE make them work.

No, we are not perfect. Yes, it can be more difficult to be in a relationship with someone from a different background than you, but I think that is exactly for the reasons I just mentioned above.

Stigma.

Society has grown to expect ‘certain things’ from ‘certain people’. Why? For what? Are we not all humans? Who made these decisions that certain races had to behave certain ways? And why?

I think love should just be love. And on the same hand, divorce should just be divorce. My marriage did not fall apart because of race. In fact that played no part in my decision, and never would (not that I hope to ever make a decision on divorce again). It was based on everything else that took place within the marriage because of us as people and our individual behaviors.

Therefore, in my ever so humble opinion, people, including myself, should just learn to take their opinions and shove ’em where the sun don’t shine.

Because let’s be honest. Those opinions are probably based on a stigma that should be eradicated anyway.

Also, wish me luck on the showing. They are repeat viewers so that’s a good sign 🤞🏼.


-Alicia Keys/Unthinkable-

‘Cause People Got Me, Got Me Questioning Where’s The Love

This post is inspired by a blog I unfortunately didn’t read, but briefly glanced over the title a few days ago, and it’s stuck with me. The title read something along the lines of “I’m not a vacation destination for you” or something like that. At least that’s how I carried it with me. That line made such an impact in my head… mostly, because I have allowed so many people to make “stops” in my life, take what they need, and move on.

They come for a quick “visit” or “jaunt” if you will, without any regard for my feelings or emotions, and then continue on their merry way after they’ve taken what they need. Sometimes on their own, sometimes with a nudge from yours truly. But not of course before stopping in the souvenir shop of my heart and/or head and taking little pieces for themselves, with no regard for what’s left or what they replace in the gaping hole they’ve left.

So I’ll tell you what it’s been replaced with. Nothing. That’s why I have chunks from my emotional psyche missing. I went this morning to gather a little physical evidence of people who have come into my life for a while, taken what they needed, or could, and when they couldn’t take any more, I had to actually remove them.

number pic

This is just what would fit on one screen, of people I’ve had to block from my life, because they came in, and I felt used by them (for good reason… the feeling, not the using), so I separated myself from them to block the negative energy. I’m not going to sit around and allow individuals to take from me, without receiving anything in return.

Friendship, or any kind of relationship, should be a two-way street. Does this mean I have limited people I can rely on? Obviously. But I’d much rather have small numbers of dependable people who I know are there for me just as much as I’m there for them, than thousands or even hundreds of fake “friends” who are only there when they need something from you.

I feel like this has become a “trend” in the world lately. This is where abusive relationships come from. Where do people get off thinking it’s okay to use other HUMAN BEINGS for their own gain? Why don’t people understand that everyone has emotions. Everyone is capable of getting hurt. Why can’t individuals understand that we are dealing with other people who have real thoughts and feelings. Feelings that can be broken.

It’s not our right or place to damage anyone’s feelings/emotions/thoughts. Seriously! Who have people grown to think they are, that they have the right to walk into someone else’s life, and take what isn’t theirs by way of time, emotion and feelings, without regard to what effect it will have when they leave, or treat those situations insensitively.

I’m just sick and tired of society feeling like we aren’t responsible for each other. We are. We are responsible for every interaction we have with every other human ever. 

What right do you have to tell someone you don’t like some physical feature on their body, no matter what it is? None.

What good is it to put someone down? None. If that’s the only joy you get in this world, you need to do some inner soul searching.

How in the world does it help anyone to flaunt your wealth if you don’t plan on sharing? It doesn’t.

What good is it to walk around with a scowl on your face? Nada.

Every time we talk to, or look at, another person, we leave some sort of impact. I’m just suggesting we try and leave a more positive one. Quit stealing from their hypothetical souvenir shop.

Trust me, it’s draining.


-The Black Eyed Peas/Where Is The Love-